To think having a baby is more a woman's decision

[gigigigigigigig]

Maybe I am being U but hear me out.

Me and DP both want kids. We are the same age, late 20s. I have long said I don't want to be an older mum - I have nothing against people who do that, but I personally don't wish to have children older myself. Women in my family have had problems getting and staying pregnant over 30, and I've always thought I would have a child before 30. (I'm not saying 30 is an old mum btw).

I know life doesn't always go to plan, but for years DP has said the same. We are still not quite at the point to have kids, but I was hoping in 2 years or so we would be. But now, DP is saying things that are frustrating me. He says "people have kids in their 40s now, late 30s is a good time to have kids as we will have more money." I said in an ideal world, but in reality people who wait that long often experience fertility problems. He's having none of it, he says he wants children but maybe wants to half pay off the mortgage before having one (we haven't even bought a house yet!)

His attitude annoys me, as while yes, a child affects both parents, it's me who would go through morning sickness, pregnancy, childbirth, breast feeding and looking after the child for the most part. I agree it's a decision for both parents, but surely a woman's wishes are ever so slightly higher than a man's as it's her body that will be affected? Maybe 51:49. He wants children, probably more than me actually, so that's not the issue. I'm just saying if we have children, I want to do it younger as I don't want to go through the stress to my body and possible fertility complications as an older mum. I know men can have issued with fertility too, but there are so many more things that can affect a woman's ability to bear a child. AIBU?

AskATerf I think you have to work together. Relationships are not always black and white. You aren't always going to be on the same page, especially when it comes to huge life choices like this. Just because a woman may be ready to start a family doesn't mean the man has to agree. Or vice versa. You have to respect each others wishes, hence why I said You have to work together to get to where you want to be. And that means compromise and communication. Not the OP just going with what her DP wants. Maybe you misinterpreted what I said.

Like I said to the OP, perhaps give it another couple of months and then bring it up again. From my experience, the more you niggle at someone, the more likely they will say no. Men like to feel like they have come round to ideas on their own (at least that's how I feel about my husband!). Educate him some more on fertility and remind him of your families past struggles. Reiterate your life plans.

As you are both only in your late twenties, he probably doesn't feel ready yet and is just saying things to justify why he isn't ready right now. I'm sure he will slowly come round to the idea in the next couple of years, which is how long you said you would probably wait anyway? If you genuinely feel like there is no way he will consider starting a family in the next few years then that's when you have to make a decision about your relationship.

The problem for women is that if their other half wants to wait a bit to start a family, what can she really do? Cut her losses and leave him in hope to find a new loving relationship and THEN start a family (which might not happen for a while anyway? Or stay with him and risk waiting until she may have fertility struggles? It's a very difficult situation to be in. And I've been on the cusp of it myself.

To be honest op, I really don't think that he wants kids with you. He's saying all the right things to keep you hanging on. In your position I would sit him down and say because of the potential fertility problems you may have you want to start ttc within the next year. See what his response is to that and go from there.

Men like to feel like they have come round to ideas on their own (at least that's how I feel about my husband!).

☹️I'm so sorry. I'd hate to have to "manage" a man in that way, how exhausting. I realise this is how lots of heterosexual relationships work so I won't argue on that point, but it's really important that the OP knows leaving to find a man who wants children now, not in the distant future, is a perfectly feasible and indeed reasonable option. Women are not obliged to stay with men who may be stringing them along.