Goodbye Mumsnet and Thank You

[LiteraryDevil1]

I just wanted to say thank you to all the posters who have helped me enormously over the past few months. I have written quite a few posts (under various names and with the odd non-pertinent detail changed to protect my identity) and have found the advice invaluable.

Mumsnet has helped me to recognise and end an abusive relationship where I thought I was being unreasonable and a bit precious. I was helped to realise he was sexually, emotionally and financially abusing me in fairly subtle ways that I had excused and normalised as he was so great in other ways. By joining the NC thread I was able to learn a great deal from others in a similar position and give support to them too.

I've also recognised just how abusive my marriage was and remembered various things I'd buried from that time and been able to deal with them with help from posters.

I've been able to seek advice regarding my children and how being in a step family with their dad affects them.

I've had legal advice regarding my divorce.

I've had family advice, food advice, health advice and a damn good laugh at the sex in the hedge thread

However today I have posted about something that has happened with my children and been accused of lying about being abused by my stbexh. The things said were pretty vile, not just for me, but for anyone who has experienced abuse. Thankfully the comments have been deleted. That was not the first time I'd been accused of lying or being a troll. Sometimes people have to change names and a couple of potentially identifying details in order to protect themselves. We are not trolls. I appreciate there are trolls out there but I am not one of them.

I don't have anyone to talk to in real life about the issues I've posted about on here so I am very grateful to all those who took the time to comment and offer advice, experience and a hand hold. Thank you to each and every one of you. You have helped me so much to deal with so much that has been going on in my life recently, or has gone on in the past, much better than any therapy.

The accusations of lying tonight by two posters have shown me a very nasty side to mumsnet and have left me feeling very upset so I have decided to leave mumsnet, but just wanted to say thank you before I de-registered. Some of you are so bloody lovely you made me cry! For all the right reasons

I luff a literary devil. Really I do.

There are not enough literary devils in the world for me

Don't go

We could maybe have a bit of banter about books (I promise to be respectful even if you do like Pope)

Sorry for your experiences OP. Unfortunately almost everywhere in life, I’m almost every school, workplace etc there will be a bully. And people who want to make a fight, over nothing.

Don’t leave op! There are some right wankers on here. You’ll learn to spot them soon enough and won’t even bother engaging.

for you.

It is true that vociferous and judgmental posters will often make a site feel oppressive.
But there are thousands of less vociferous posters here who are well intentioned and helpful (as helpful as they can be). They'll offer insight and advice based on their own experiences, and you are left to collect your thoughts after hearing theirs.

It would be a shame for any member of a site to want to leave for no reason other than feeling oppressed / bullied off it.

I'd suggest you take a few days away and come back with a renewed enthusiasm, especially since you say this is one of the very few (if only) real outlets you have for personal discussions etc.

Don't let a few overshadow the many. I can appreciate the hurt being felt now, but it will recede in time. Take time out, but don't cut off your lifeline.

OP, sorry to hear you're feeling like leaving and that you didn't feel supported by other MNers on your thread. That is absolutely not what Mumsnet is about at all.

As ever, please do report any posts to us which you feel break talk guidelines and we'll have a look. And if you contact us directly on [email protected], we can hopefully sort things out with a chat.

InsomniacAnonymous then why bother posting on them? Or are you just out to kick someone when they down

Unfortunately in recent months there has been an influx of really vile trolls. They are people who have the sole aim of infiltrating and undermining MN.
It is so sad, but it is difficult to do anything about it.
I don't think I have seen any of your threads OP. Please try and focus on the positive.
I think it is really important that everyone steps up their efforts to report and not engage with the trolls.
I have had a lot of support on MN over the last couple of years and would be very sorry to see MN implode.

I posted once about how my DD's Dad left our DD alone at 5 weeks old and went to work. (I have proof of this in the form of a disclosure letter from the Police). However so many people thought it was "not possible in a month of Sundays for a father to do such a thing' and reported the thread, that it got deleted and I got an ultimatum from MNHQ! I was devastated and even had me thinking suicidal thoughts again after having had PND. Took a long time for me to rejoin.

Problem is, there are so many out there with perfect marriages, lovely soppy husbands (who are father of the year!), who seem to think that anything even slightly different to what they've experienced could not possibly happen! They prefer to ring the 'troll' or 'she's just a bitter ex' bell than accept and believe something so awful could possibly happen...

As a result, I now only post about seemingly trivial issues that are not a lot to do with me. Never serious, highly sensitive & personal problems. As it's now pretty much guaranteed that someone will appear and call you a liar, a troll, bitter/twisted, say that "there's more to this" etc or simply call you batshit.... The funny thing is, none of these people would ever DREAM of saying any of this to someone's face. Never. It's like a new trend on the internet, to pick apart and negate what people say, like overgrown school bullies.

I got ripped apart when posting couple of years ago, I was really upset
My son was in great Ormand street in a desperate state but I stupidly posted about a work matter that I was deflecting all my angst on. I was called a terrible mum amonst other horrible off hand insults and sneers
It was kinda unanimous abuse for the fast page. It really hit me in the guts when I was v fragile. Still upsets me now if I'm honest, but I've hung around and posted since and received awesome advice me support ....so please hang around, don't be bullied out by the arseholes xx

@Nofunkingworriesmate

One other point...

Don't forget that as well as what MumsNet has brought to you, you bring something the MN too

Soon there will be another lady, just like you, looking for help. You can be that lady's help. You can be one of the voices of reason for her to listen to.

Don't take that away from the next person who is just like you - not for the sake of a relative few who cannot hold their tongue or contempt.

Stay.

i recognise you from another thread literary and you’re one of the only few posters names i recognize!

there are some trolls and some horrible, vile posters who for some reason aren’t banned. it isnt a reflection on you, im sure you are lovely. i really dont undertand why instead of not saying anything, some people just have to post sarcastic, rude or goady replies.

just take pleasure in knowing they’d never say anything like that to your face

I hope @MNHQ can appreciate from this OP how much it stings when posters who have lived through abuse are accused of being trolls.

It's not just your average 'no way!' Someone who has had to pluck up courage to dredge up details of her life that are humiliating, and that cause immense pain to the poster herself when she sees them on her own screen in black and white, can be knocked right off her feet when someone disputes or pours scorn on her history.

Additionally, many women who have borne years of abuse have had exactly the same scathing silencing from their abusive partners when they have spoken up for themselves.

Maybe MN can take note and be more vigilant on the Relationships board?

Could a warning about troll hunting be included on every single thread, perhaps above the OP, not just in the link to the Guidelines?

Maybe a comment along the lines of 'While the scenario in this thread may be completely beyond your comprehension and outside of your experience, please remember that other people may actually live lives that are a far cry from yours'.

I don't blame you OP. I think you have to be very thick skinned to start a thread on here. I'm too thin skinned so I don't anymore. It's true that the majority are helpful and nice but it's the horrible comments that stick.

For too many people it's just lighthearted entertainment and they forget there's a person behind the post.

I've noticed a change in here recently, there's a lot of arseholes who love to kick someone when they're down or pick apart their posts for no good reason. They're bullies. I don't recognise your name so I'll have been no help to you at all but I wish you all the best 💐

This, been here for 10+ years and in the last year or so there has definitely been a mass invasion of Arseholes, almost every thread now is who can stick the boot in the fastest. But wouldn’t ever leave for it, but if you have decided this is what’s best, then all the best and good luck.

It does seem very difficult for some posters to realise that sometimes what happens to others can be pretty extreme or read like the script of a soap opera. I wouldn’t dare start a thread about my life as I know I’d instantly be branded a troll. And I know I won’t be the only one feeling they can’t ask for support/advice/a handhold because they wouldn’t be believed. I really hope the majority of posters aren’t nasty. Please don’t leave because there are so many genuinely kind, helpful and wise people knocking about round here.

I have noticed how things have gone down hill recently. I have never reported just scroll on by. I think I need to start reporting when someone is attacked because their mindset is more fragile than I assumed. Maybe if we all start reporting more it will make things easier for Mumsnet.

No don't leave because of a few dicks, this generally is a supportive site.

There are some posters that will pick any thread apart, if there is just one word they can disagree with they will go for it.

I am with those posters above that say, don't go, just ignore the arseholes and be proud of what you have achieved.

Another one here hoping that you will stay. . OP,as I have discovered over the 4 years that I've been with MN,there's always going to be one person on a thread who just has to be nasty. I've posted quite regularly,starting threads and commenting on others. In particular,I remember last summer when I started a thread about my then partner dumping me,in a particularly unpleasant way. With just one single exception,everyone who responded was lovely and/or helpful. Except one,who shall remain nameless. They made a really nasty comment which upset me. Thankfully,a couple of posters after them told them to lay off. I've realised now that the best way to deal with these people,is to rise above their nastiness. I don't respond now to any unpleasant comments. And I'm much happier for it.

I have never understood why people feel the need to make an announcement that they intend to leave rather than just exiting quietly 🙄.

Some folks just love the drama!

OP Please dont leave There are lots of supportive posters on here as well as the ones not supportive.

I post about social housing a LOT on here and i have been given some shit for it but i have also had a lot of support which has far outweighed the shittier comments.

There was also a bloody nasty incel and their supporters attempt to get at me this week. They were too thick to realise that gaslighting doesnt work when the written word is present.

I suspect the ones getting at you were similarly intellectually challenged.

This type of stuff makes me even more determined to go onwards

Good luck whatever you decide

In the nicest way possible OP, Flouncer's Corner is over there

Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face