I think DH is upholding the glass ceiling (not DIY). WIBU?

[Pa1oma]

DH has a company which employs maybe a thousand people, of which probably about 40% are women. It’s not a traditionally male industry like construction, however, in 15 years, there has never been a female director. Whenever I’ve asked him why this is, he says he would like this to change but no women seem to apply.

Then last night I heard him in the phone to someone discussing restructuring the board of directors and his words were, “She’d be worth consideration, but she’ll probably have a baby or something soon” . When he got off the phone, I told him what I’d heard and asked him if he knew for a fact that this woman was pregnant. He said, “Well I wouldn’t know but she’s in her late 30s and I think she’s been discussing it”.

His argument is he’s not going to risk over £100k on someone if he’s not sure they’re going to see “the next phase” through. My argument is, he is not in a position to presume anything about anyone. WIBU?

Not knocking the SAHM model, it works out really well for a lot of families.

He thinks is very important for me to be here with the kids. He tells me I do have a job and he respects that. I know a lot of women would think that’s sexist, but I would have resented having a nanny around, if the truth be known, so I guess it’s been horses for courses.

Does he think it's important for you to be at home with the children, or for one of you to be at home with them?

Definitely - I'm not knocking your desire to be at home with the children - I'm talking about if and when you want something different. It's all well and good for him to think it's important to be there with the kids, but if you think that actually it's important for him to be with the kids, at least some of the time, what would he make of that?

He thinks kids are best with their mums and it’s his job to facilitate that. He is good with the kids when he’s home, I wouldn’t say he’s detached, but no way could he be a SAHD, even part-time. He couldn’t cope with it for more than a week. Fair enough, in a way, because I could never cope with what he does either.

What’s best for you? What do you want? I think it’s more important once you’re a mum to have a clear idea of what you want because it’s so easy to get subsumed into providing and accommodating for everyone else’s wants.

He might not want to look after his own dc more or be available for the odd school run so you can work but it won’t kill him and it may be better for you all in the long run to not be so entrenched in your roles. Also if he can pick his dc up and drop them off round his big bollocks job perhaps he’ll realise that other parents can do that too!

Surely if you know he thinks 'kids are best with their mums' then you already knew he was a sexist long before this incident?

You still haven't really said what you think or want.

It seems that the arrangements you’ve had have to date worked very well for you both, and the family as a whole.

It’s unfortunate that your H has done very little, in his influential working life, to encourage equality, and that he has recently revealed some overt, sexist attitudes. All credit to you for reflecting on your thoughts and feelings about this, and for challenging him, when his behaviour at work isn’t your responsibility.

Thankyou for all this. I don’t disagree with any of the points. Sorry this was never meant to be a “woe is me” thread at all. To answer Spagetyi’s question, I’m not entirely sure what I want at this point, but I’m working on it. It’s always helpful to hear genuine perspectives from people who don’t know me / us and don’t hold back, so thanks again.

You certainly don't need to apologize. This seems like one of those moments that gives clarity, not so much for the issue at hand but for its larger implications.

A while ago, I said that it doesn't count as a choice if your boss makes it for you. I would like to amend that by saying, it also doesn't count as a choice if your husband makes it for you.

I'm really interested in the points that spaghettijumper makes

For me this issue is societal - there are so many ways in which women can live their lives. I've just discovered that in the Netherlands, part-time working is embraced by men just as much as women. It's completely egalitarian. On a downer, I've just discovered that in India women only comprise 25% of the workforce, and the abuse/rape statistics are horrific

Living in the UK we by and large get to choose the life that we want to lead. We have equal rights in law, we can own property, we can drive and we can vote. We're still not fully equal though, as this thread has demonstrated. But I do feel that we're nearly there.

You are v candid in all your replies Pa1oma
What’s your thought about your kids exposure to dp beliefs esp childcare is women work, women should be at home and not use childcare
I’d be want to introduce a balance and discuss giving up work is optional not mandatory