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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people think dad’s can’t cope on their own?

121 replies

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 29/06/2018 07:14

Both me and DH have jobs which mean we work away semi-regularly. Often it’s just a couple of nights but can be up to a week.
I’m currently working overseas and will be away for 6 days. DH is more than capable of caring for DS, himself and the house.

We’ve just Skyped so I can speak to them both before school and work and he told me he’s had regular calls/texts from people asking how he’s coping! They went out to the local to watch the first half of the football last night and he said loads of people asked him how he was getting on and, again, if he was coping without me.

On the numerous times DH has worked away nobody has ever asked me that!

Why do people ask DH and not me? It’s like when I go out people ask me who’s looking after DS but nobody asks DH as the assumption is he’s at home with me.

It’s really irritated my jet lagged, sleep deprived brain!

OP posts:
NotUmbongoUnchained · 29/06/2018 07:17

Because he’s a delicate man and everyone knows they can’t do anything by themselves apart from turn sausages on a BBQ.

My husband stayed at home for a year with our son. He coped, like a normal human being.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/06/2018 07:22

i don't think they are. Mine certainly plays an equal part.

I think some do make out their husbands can't do anything parent related as they want to not work so make out only they can do it. Just like they make out their husbands couldn't possibly work without them.

There are rubbish parents of both sexes, not just men.

Original poster
BlaaBlaaBlaa · 29/06/2018 07:26

Exactly. My DH is an excellent dad and more than capable of looking after DS on his own for week. As we share all responsibility equally it hasn’t been much of a step up while I’ve been away.

Annoying for him that people think he can’t cope....he’s a fully functioning adult just like me!

OP posts:
hannah1992 · 29/06/2018 07:28

My dh copes fine with the kids. The house not so much lol. I don’t work away though but I went for a weekend once to a spa with a friend went Saturday morning came home Sunday evening and the kids were happy but the house looked like a stampede of rhinos went through it. (Disclosure - he washed the pots)

SoyDora · 29/06/2018 07:35

I think some do make out their husbands can't do anything parent related as they want to not work so make out only they can do it

DH is equally as good a parent as me, if not better. I’m still a SAHM, which is what both of us have chosen for the time being.

I agree OP, whenever I go anywhere the IL’s FaceTime DH to see how he’s ‘coping’ on his own. Luckily he’s as bemused by it as I am.

Enidblyton1 · 29/06/2018 07:36

In your situation I can see how annoying that is - but the reality is that many men do struggle (or at least moan!) about having to look after the children for a few days by themselves. My DH found one child fine, but struggled when he had two to look after.
It may not be ‘right’ or very ‘modern’, but it’s reality for a lot of my friends.

YoucancallmeVal · 29/06/2018 07:39

I know a bloke who has 50/50 shared care. He puts a photo on fb of his kid eating, or playing football and 93 women post to tell him what an amazing dad he is. No one thinks I'm ace because I cooked chips for tea.

DrWhy · 29/06/2018 07:39

We are in exactly the same situation as you OP, DH is in equal parts amuses and insulted by it! Last week when I was away all week a lovely neighbour who we get on well with offered to do the washing for him...!

Parker231 · 29/06/2018 07:40

I heard the comment “DH has never looked after DC on his own”. Why on earth not? Like the OP I’ve worked away from home regularly since DT’s were toddlers and DH did great - why shouldn’t he, he’s their father.
He is more than capable of buying their food, feeding them, making sure they have what they need for school, friends birthdays etc and holding down a full time job!

runningkeenster · 29/06/2018 07:48

Because lots of mums are control freaks and if things aren't done exactly the way they'd do it, then it's wrong and the household is going to fall apart and the kids with it. Heaven forbid that the kids go out with odd socks on, or have chips instead of healthy sweet potato mash.

BillywigSting · 29/06/2018 07:49

Dp is probably a better parent than me (or maybe just not as worn down by the relentlessness of it because he works) but I'm a sahm because that is what we have both decided is best for the three of us.

That could all change very soon, I'm going back to work in September and dp might be changing from 9-5 to three days on three days off three nights on three nights off shift pattern. Given the nature of my line of work this could actually make child care much easier as we could conceivably work shifts around each other.

Also, one of the best parents I know is a single dad. His daughters are loved and cared for, his house is fine and he works hard.

I don't get it either op. I also don't understand the people who ask how new mums cope with going back to work soon after their baby is born but not new fathers. Dp hated having to go back to work early but no one had much sympathy because he's a man and that's what's expected. He still has working parent guilt (despite my protestations that he has nothing to feel guilty for) .

Original poster
Blaablaablaa · 29/06/2018 07:53

@enidblyton1 if they're just moaning then they need to grow up. If they're struggling then why are they struggling? Is it because they don't take on equal responsibility in the first place?

The only thing my DH will struggle with is not having respite from the early mornings ....ds is an early riser so we tend to take it in turns.

I'm sure cooking, cleaning, washing etc will all be under control because he does that anyway

OP posts:
McPie · 29/06/2018 07:53

We had this from MIL after we had our twins, DH was on the phone to her and said I was taking ds1 out for the day and she asked him "so who's looking after the twins?"! She was quite surprised when he told her their own father would be looking after them and he would cope perfectly fine with two 10 week olds. Even though my parents live close to us it never even crossed our minds to have a back up helper because he had been a hands on dad since the day ds1 had arrived.

Original poster
Blaablaablaa · 29/06/2018 07:55

@running you sound bitter? And you're making some broad generalisations there. I'm more likely to give ds chips than DH

OP posts:
RedSkyAtNight · 29/06/2018 07:56

It's a very old fashioned sexist view harking back to when women were responsible for home/children, men were responsible for earning money and it was considered seriously impressive if anyone moved outside of those roles.

Sadly one held by my parents who sing the high praises of every tiny little thing my DB does for his DD (in fairness he actually does quite a lot) whilst being not remotely impressed any anything I do for my DC.

SoyDora · 29/06/2018 07:57

I'm more likely to give ds chips than DH

Ditto. Why the vitriol aimed at mums on this thread?

Original poster
Blaablaablaa · 29/06/2018 07:58

@billy oooh the work thing frustrates me too! I constantly got told how awful it was that I'd had to come back full time. It wasn't...I love my job and I'm a much better parent when working. Not one person asked DH that yet he missed DS dreadfully when he went back to work.

OP posts:
Wildernessie · 29/06/2018 07:59

Yeah coz sum guys are just crap at it on their own-my ex was a mixture of Harry Enfields belligerent teenage boy,like ODD on a 30 yr old 1st time dad..nice1..needless2say after 2many 'accident'/oversights,general slobn-ess&couch-potatoism/ignoringDD i jacked it in&9yrs on living overseas we've never been happierGrin..he found a 20year old to wait in him.

SoddingUnicorns · 29/06/2018 08:00

Aye I’ve had the same. I was very unwell recently, bedbound for 10 days, and DP did everything (thankfully his boss was very understanding and knew how poorly
I was), and everyone was all over him.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful he did it all, and I’ve said so, but other people’s reactions wound us both up. Why wouldn’t he be able to parent, do school/nursery runs, cook, clean and run the house? But everyone was all over him offering to watch the kids to give him a break, sending casseroles (he can cook!), asking if he was ok. For doing what I do every fucking day!

Like I said, I’m grateful he did, god knows how I’d have coped if he didn’t (never been so weak and poorly) but the way family and friends were wittering on you’d have thought he was the second coming! It was almost patronising, as if being a man meant he was some kind of hero for doing it!

CMOTDibbler · 29/06/2018 08:00

I went back to travelling for work when ds was 6 months old - the odd day/night, and back to week long trips by the time he was a year. I get asked a lot about who is looking after ds while I'm away, and there are assumptions that dh must get family help (none, we have only ever had nursery then wrap around care/holiday club and a babysitter on the odd occasion the wheels fall off!).
No one asks dh about childcare when he is away, and no one tells me I'm an amazing wife because I deal with everything and my job when he's away

MyBreadIsEggy · 29/06/2018 08:01

Dons hard hat

My dh has never looked after our dcs on his own for more than a few hours at a time - mainly because he works full time and I don’t. My kids have got used to me being the care giver, so even when dh is here, they want me.
My eldest idolises her dad, so is stuck to him like a limpet on weekends, and he is more than happy to do his share....the problem is the little one. He simply won’t let DH! He’s very much a mummy’s boy Blush to the point where if dh touches me and DS sees, he cries and pushes dh away Blush
I can’t bear the thought of DS being so upset and crying for me (which he does if I leave a room, let alone leave the house without him), so I just take him with me when I go anywhere when possible.
He’s getting better with it as he is getting older, as he sees his sister having fun with daddy and wants to get involved....as long as he’s sure I’m still around.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 29/06/2018 08:03

eggy you must realise how unhealthy that is though surely?

My husband would feel he had failed as a father I’d either of our kids reacted to him like that and I wouldn’t blame him.

CaptainBrickbeard · 29/06/2018 08:07

I went away the other week and returned to a totally normal house and well cared for children. Now I’m bed bound for a couple of weeks and DH is doing everything for the children and the house plus looking after me and managing just fine. If the tables were turned, I would struggle a lot more. I get more stressed and I am also lazier by nature! No one has actually asked DH how he’s coping or expressed admiration - he just gets on with it quietly.

Original poster
Blaablaablaa · 29/06/2018 08:09

@CMOT it's depressing isn't it? I constantly get told how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband (which I do, so I'm not disputing that! ) But you're right we don't get called amazing wives for doing the same thing.
Makes you realise how ingrained misogynistic attitudes still are.

OP posts:
Windmyonlyfriend · 29/06/2018 08:13

My DH gets cross with this too. There’s just this assumption that men don’t really know what they’re doing when it comes to the care of their own children.

I work one day at the weekend so DH has both DC. A few weeks ago he took them to a cafe I also sometimes take the kids to. The lady who worked there recognised the children so made a point of saying ‘oooh, are you babysitting today daddy? Giving mummy some time off are you?’ (Which is itself annoying - ‘babysitting’?! And no, not time off, I’m working! ) But what really pissed him off was when he ordered them a snack and she frowned, pursed her lips and said ‘are you sure? I don’t think they’ll like that, that’s not what they normally have’!

DH has refused to go back since!