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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why people think dad’s can’t cope on their own?

121 replies

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 29/06/2018 07:14

Both me and DH have jobs which mean we work away semi-regularly. Often it’s just a couple of nights but can be up to a week.
I’m currently working overseas and will be away for 6 days. DH is more than capable of caring for DS, himself and the house.

We’ve just Skyped so I can speak to them both before school and work and he told me he’s had regular calls/texts from people asking how he’s coping! They went out to the local to watch the first half of the football last night and he said loads of people asked him how he was getting on and, again, if he was coping without me.

On the numerous times DH has worked away nobody has ever asked me that!

Why do people ask DH and not me? It’s like when I go out people ask me who’s looking after DS but nobody asks DH as the assumption is he’s at home with me.

It’s really irritated my jet lagged, sleep deprived brain!

OP posts:

SoddingUnicorns · 29/06/2018 08:16

Argh you can’t babysit your own children! Why do people say this to dads, it’s never mums!

Original poster

Blaablaablaa · 29/06/2018 08:17

@wind I don't blame him!!! Im sure he's aware of what his children like!
And yeah 'babysitting' is so patronising and it's always to give 'mummy a break' because we couldn't possibly have something as important as work to go to!

OP posts:

Flicketyflack · 29/06/2018 08:18

Sexism pure and simple 😱

When my husband used to change his children's nappies he was praised and yet if I did it and nothing was said. Because what he did was seen as 'unusual' or 'not the norm'.

He also worked away quite a lot and people would comment how awful it must be for him(never mind me at home with two children 🙄).

It is the same when people talk about their kids abilities, in my family, it is all about their skills coming from their Dad (because he has a PhD ) regardless of the fact I do too

rosesgarden · 29/06/2018 08:18

Regarding people asking how mums cope going back to work after maternity leave, but no one asks the dads? understandable surely, seeing as how it's the mum who has given birth, has the hormonal changes, breast feeding etc. It's got to be more of a wrench. My dh was always glad to get back to work.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 29/06/2018 08:19

My DP is a SAHD. He has everything more under control than I ever did. People tell him how amazing he is. He says 'why, cos I look after my children while the mrs goes to earn more than I ever could'
They say 'oh but its so hard for a man to be a house husband, having to do take on the role of a woman'
He just replies, only as hard as it is for a woman.

He hates the 'credit' he gets from others and it makes him feel patronised. One person made him feel like he was a sponge as he doesn't work. Nobody said that to me when I was a SAHM. And loves being at home with the kids.

redhappydance · 29/06/2018 08:25

YANBU this really pisses me off! It's so patronising!!

I remember when my DD was a baby and I went to the local supermarket where a few family friends work when DH had some time off.

All I got was shocked faces and "where's the baby" comments... like I'd just left her stranded at home on her own
When I explained "with DH of course" it was followed by "oh he's sooo good to you, you don't know how lucky you are, have you organised everything before you left?! Bless him"

Yes because that 15 minute trip to the supermarket needs organising for a grown man who is more than capable! It's so 1950's I hate it!!!

Gruffalina72 · 29/06/2018 08:27

Patriarchy. Misogyny.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 29/06/2018 08:32

I'm currently about-to-drop pregnant, and people keep asking me when I'm going back to work, etc. They constantly make sad, sympathetic faces when I say I'm going back full-time after six months - 'can't you go down to part-time?'. Not a single person has asked DH this, despite his job being one with a lot more part-time workers. When I then say that he's having three months shared leave when I go back, people either say:
a) 'won't that be hard for you? Being away from the baby while he's at home?'
b) 'Wow, that's brilliant/amazing'
No one has either of those responses to me taking leave, but apparently him doing it (for a much shorter time!) is either depriving me or some kind of natural wonder...

VanGoghsLeftEar · 29/06/2018 08:40

My DH has been the main carer of our DD, as I work shifts and he works regular hours.

As pp have said, he has got some stupid and out of date responses from people in the past.

A woman once tried to flirt with him because he was with dd in the cafe and she thought he was a "weekend dad"!! He politely told her he wasn't interested.

I have told this one before, but as a baby, my DD was taken to have her jabs by DH and DFil, and the nurse kept telling them, "Please tell mum to look for side effects afterwards. If she has any concerns to please take baby to the GP." To which my DFil said, "We will take her to the GP" and DH replied "Her mother is working".

When school ring up DH mobile (We don't have a landline) and asks to speak to me if I'm available. (Not always available, as I work in tunnels. DH works outside!).

My husband is far more responsible than me!

100thousandreasons · 29/06/2018 08:40

I'm a SAHM so I do the majority of the childcare. However whenever I go out for the day my MIL takes it upon herself to turn up to 'help out' DH for the day.

Because he needs help with just one two year old. Runs rings round him she does, the poor helpless man

To be honest, he's never had her overnight on his own, but because he can't just because he's never needed to. The one girls night away I was supposed to go to got cancelled. I wouldn't hesitate to go though.

I personally would be really concerned if my child wouldn't go to her Dad without me there or for comfort,and I'm at home with her full time, she's never been in childcare. Tiny babies are a bit different, and all kids go brought clingy stages of course but if I couldn't just give DD a kiss and wave bye bye leaving her happily with Dad it'd worry me. As it is she barely looks up to say bye to me!

SilverOnToast · 29/06/2018 08:47

Eggy
Your child is distressed when you leave them with their dad because you’re not allowing them time to build a relationship.

Please don’t sacrifice a strong foundation with their dad by always taking them with you. It’s so sad and really sends the wrong message that you are not in control as parents. A few tears and a bit of time away from you, and they’ll be absolutely fine. Also, you’ll be showing them that you believe their dad to be kind and capable, and together you’ll be presenting a united front.

InDubiousBattle · 29/06/2018 08:50

Because some men don't cope. It's pathetic. My ds is 4.5 and over the years I've known;

dads who don't know where their dc's pjs are kept, what size nappies they're in, how to pack a change bag.

-dads who don't know their dc's doctor, childminder or where their nursery is. -dads who have still never put their dc to bed alone (this is at 4 year old) -dads who don't know what their dc like to eat or when they normally eat. -dads who routinely get their mums over if they have to 'babysit' their own dc for any period of time. -dad's who still hadn't bathed their dc when they were one year old.

I'm a SAHM, it is inconceivable to both me and dp that he couldn't cope with the kids! I have no idea why this is, their partners are all perfectly normal women, some work ft, some pt, all say that their partners are great dads so they must have other qualities I suppose.

I should say I also know plenty of dads who can take care of their dc perfectly well too!

BitchQueen90 · 29/06/2018 09:02

I am divorced but my exh has regular contact and overnights with DS and he's more than capable of coping on his own. In fact when DS was new born he had to do more than me as I was quite poorly after giving birth and could only really lie around and breastfeed. Since DS was 10 months old he's cared for him on his own regularly and I trust him with DS totally.

Pa1oma · 29/06/2018 09:19

In my experience, it begins with the breastfeeding. There was no point DH getting up in the night for the first 6 months because he couldn’t feed. Straight away the pattern was established where I was the one who anticipated the next feed, next change, etc etc. I was the one who couldn’t go out without the baby, or if I did it was a quick dash inbetween feeds. That feeling like you’re on a piece of elastic never really leaves and it’s one DH never experienced. He never thought twice about going out to work after a couple weeks because I was already default parent. I never returned to work and he’s always worked very long hours so it’s not difficult to see how patterns emerge. Even 15 years later, I’ve only left him with the kids overnight once or twice. In contrast, he travels most weeks and has done for years. Of course he spends as much time with the kids as he can and has developed a good relationship, but it’s a different mindset altogether in my experience.

LeighaJ · 29/06/2018 09:20

When I tell people that other than the odd pasta bake here and there my husband does all the cooking, they look at me like they don't understand the words coming out of my mouth.

He's also more than capable of taking care of our daughter, as he did last night so I could sleep.

BertrandRussell · 29/06/2018 09:21

Tactical incompetence and collusion.
Very depressing.

DieAntword · 29/06/2018 09:23

My husband has far less patience with the kids than I do. I.e. kid has an accident, wee is on the floor, me "oh dear, we better clean this up, you go get the wipes", him "OHGOD urrgggg WHYYYY?!?!? WHY DID YOU DO THIS??? GO TO THE POTTY!"

I am sure when the kids are older he'll be better with them because while they'll still have irritating behaviours they will be more able to be reasoned with about them, but this irrational stage where they're annoying and can't even explain themselves he is honestly awful at.

SoddingUnicorns · 29/06/2018 09:23

Why are some men like this? Why is it just accepted?

BertrandRussell · 29/06/2018 09:24

"I am sure when the kids are older he'll be better with them"
Honestly? I wouldn't count on it!

BertrandRussell · 29/06/2018 09:25

"Why are some men like this? Why is it just accepted?"
Tactical incompetence and collusion.

SoddingUnicorns · 29/06/2018 09:27

@BertrandRussell I think you’re right. It must be exhausting to effectively have another child. I couldn’t respect a man like that, I really couldn’t. It’s not an equal relationship at all.

Wherismymind · 29/06/2018 09:30

Most men keep the myth going that their useless so that they don't have to help around the house or with the kids.

They will deliberately do things wrong, or make a massive mess while doing things so that you don't ask them to do it again. Then they can sit back and relax while you do everything round the house.

BusterTheBulldog · 29/06/2018 09:30

We don’t have kids, but I used to regularly travel abroad for work for 1-2 weeks at a time. Whenever I was away people would ‘check’ on my husband, did he have any food? Need anything cleaned? And would regularly take him meals etc. Ridiculous! Now I have stopped traveling and my husband has started. Do I get meals made? Checking up? No.

It’s crazy how some men are bought up to not lift a finger to look after themselves.

BusterTheBulldog · 29/06/2018 09:31

I should also point out my husband was perfectly fine when I traveled as y’know, he’s a grown adult.

BertrandRussell · 29/06/2018 09:32

"It’s crazy how some men are bought up to not lift a finger to look after themselves."
Crazy how it can so quickly become another woman's fault, too!

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