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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why people think dad’s can’t cope on their own?

121 replies

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 29/06/2018 07:14

Both me and DH have jobs which mean we work away semi-regularly. Often it’s just a couple of nights but can be up to a week.
I’m currently working overseas and will be away for 6 days. DH is more than capable of caring for DS, himself and the house.

We’ve just Skyped so I can speak to them both before school and work and he told me he’s had regular calls/texts from people asking how he’s coping! They went out to the local to watch the first half of the football last night and he said loads of people asked him how he was getting on and, again, if he was coping without me.

On the numerous times DH has worked away nobody has ever asked me that!

Why do people ask DH and not me? It’s like when I go out people ask me who’s looking after DS but nobody asks DH as the assumption is he’s at home with me.

It’s really irritated my jet lagged, sleep deprived brain!

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 29/06/2018 13:48

"The attitudes towards men and home/childcare are gradually diluting."

Sure about that? My dad was born I. 1918 and did a lot more about the house and with his children than a lot of men described on Mumsnet!

hammeringinmyhead · 29/06/2018 13:52

I'm referring to all the women mentioned here who message men to ask how they're coping and want to give them a medal for "babysitting". They probably existed when you were born...

InDubiousBattle · 29/06/2018 13:56

I don't know about that either, when I was little my mum worked shifts and so my dad did the lions share of taking care of me and it definitely wasn't seen as unusal or weird I don't think? That said, my mum died when I was still quite young and whenever I need to know something such as what vaccinations I've had, if I've ever had certain infections etc several people have said 'without your mum will you have to check at your doctors?', of course I just ask my dad, but among people my age (mid to late thirties)it is assumed my dad won't know.

Generallyok · 29/06/2018 14:00

My DP finds it very hard to look after the kids by himself. My kids are not babies but as he works away a lot he doesn’t spend as much time with them as me. He is a good dad in many respects but it just doesn’t come easy to him. I’ve always been a stay at home mum so I guess I have just accepted that role. He wouldn’t remeber to listen to reading, know what to do if they were ill etc. He just doesn’t worry about them like I do. I don’t think it is that unusual. I have a friend currently going through a divorce and although the kids are well look after by her ex he is a bit clueless about school work etc and nevertheless listens to the kids read.

Batteriesallgone · 29/06/2018 14:01

When DH goes away a lot of people ask me how I’m doing. FIL usually cooks about half the absence worth of dinners (so if he’s gone a week he’ll bring round 3 days dinner) and MIL will come and do a days childcare for me.

Now admittedly I have wonderful in laws, but I never see this attitude of ‘you’re a woman, just cope’ from anyone.

Camomila · 29/06/2018 14:01

I think breastfeeding is a bit of a red herring - DS 2.2 is still breastfed but DH is perfectly capable of looking after him without me.
Sure when he was 6-12m old he couldn't really have him for more than 3/4h but I could still go see a day time movie/have lunch with friends.
From 12m he could have him for a working day or in the evening, and at 18m I went away for a weekend conference and he was fine (granted upset at night and my poor boobs really hurt too!)

At 2 he is old enough to understand 'mummys coming back tomorrow'...but I don't have anywhere to go! Although I am going to a hen do soon so will be back after bed time.

headinhands · 29/06/2018 14:03

It's just the inherent stereotype that he kids are the woman's responsibility. I went to dh's sis a few years ago and she came out with a gorgeous Christmas cake she had made. Walked straight past her own brother and gave it to me.

YayImALlamaAgain · 29/06/2018 14:42

If there were awards for father of the year it would be the guy who lives in the house across from me. He does everything for them plus works from home full time. The boy is now ten and the girl is eight. They go to school every morning immaculate, girl in a pony tail. School projects galore leave the house, some days he walks them down, others he cycles with them. I hear them singing in their rooms at night and they are the loveliest kids ever. All down to him.

@deste, you are just reinforcing the issue in this post by suggesting he would get ‘father of the year’ for doing something hundreds of thousands of women do every day without getting praise. I’m not suggesting that he isn’t a very good parent, but women doing the exact same thing don’t get ‘mother of the year’ awards. They are just fulfilling their role as a mother.

BertrandRussell · 29/06/2018 14:59

"He is a good dad in many respects"
What respects are those?

MrPan · 29/06/2018 15:13

Unfortunately the 'ability to cope' is trained out of lots of men by the mother. As they don't do the 'stuff' in the 'correct' way. i.e the mum's way. So a lot give up...or engage in a tension that isn't healthy.

But largely yes, the instinct to provide and shelter young ones is naturally stronger in mums, as they have lived the pregnancy. And also yes lots of men look for an avoidance of child care responsibility. Along with other responsibilities.

headinhands · 29/06/2018 15:20

And there's frequent posts from dsil didn't send ds a card. Because the man, the brother, can't do that.

One Christmas I asked dh to take the strain off be my writing the Christmas cards out. Later he said he done and addressed them, they just needed stamps but he'd need to get some tomorrow.

Later when I was in the kitchen I noticed the pile looked unusually short. Turned out he'd only thought to write cards out to his side of the family? I'd done them every other year for both families! I was

BounceAndClimb · 29/06/2018 16:02

When DP is working away I've had friends ask how its going and say things like I bet you can't wait for him to get back etc.

Also its more common for family's to have a SAHM than a SAHD if not using childcare.

In that situation the mum will usually find looking after the DC alone easier due to being more used to the routine and having all the children alone, whereas if the mums not working the dads unlikely to have much time where he has to get used to having them all alone.

Parker231 · 29/06/2018 16:34

I was in Costa last Saturday and on the next table were parents and two primary aged children. The boy was complaining that his shoes hurt. Father said - we’ll have to get your Mum to take you to get some new ones- I did wonder why he couldn’t take them to buy shoes?

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/06/2018 17:37

As with Bertrand, my dad did everything around the house and with us kids that my mum did, he ironed and cleaned and cooked and took us out. He'd been in the Army, doing National Service, and it taught him how to look after himself practically, he just transferred that to running a household. They both worked as soon as DB was old enough for school, so they 'tag team' parented.

Men came as a huge shock to me when I started dating. I thought all fathers behaved like this, and realising that men thought doing all the housework was my job, simply because I had a vagina, was a horrible realisation.

aaatozedd · 29/06/2018 17:51

YANBU. This is very evident when it comes to single parents. Single dads are heroes whereas single mums...

Original poster

Blaablaablaa · 29/06/2018 18:18

@aaa you are so right. I ran a session on stereotypes with my students recently and asked them to write down words they associated with single mum and single dad ( among other things) the difference was unbelievable

OP posts:

headinhands · 29/06/2018 18:27

Blaa What sorts of words did they say for each group?

rainbowlou · 29/06/2018 18:32

When I spent 10 days in hospital with our baby my husband returned home every day to various Tupperware containers of homemade soups, casseroles etc from friends so the poor love didn’t have to cook for himself!🙄

Original poster

Blaablaablaa · 30/06/2018 03:47

@head word for single dad were all positive - dedicated, hero etc (and randomly widow ??!) Where as the opinion of single mum was more of a mix.....those that were single mums or knew one had positive things to say but there were many negative responses and words like benefits, uneducated etc.

I also asked them about different jobs .....amazing how doctor's were male , nurses were female etc.
These were 3rd year undergrads too.... appears there's still a lot of work to be done around gender stereotyping.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 30/06/2018 16:13

That's very interesting- how the perceptions are so different just from the name -single mum has an automatic slightly perjorative edge which does not apply to single dad.

rosesgarden · 30/06/2018 17:00

I was born in the 50s, my mum started work part time when i was in my teens. My dad did all the housework and shopping. This was quite a rarity then, to be a "man" you should have been in the pub, leaving everything to the wife to do. Because my dad wasn't a drinker, we had a better life than a lot of my friends whose dad was always down the pub.

I remember once being told, after i'd been married a few years and i was in a pub, that i should have been at home doing "the washing up",

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