To wonder why people think dad’s can’t cope on their own?

[BlaaBlaaBlaa]

Both me and DH have jobs which mean we work away semi-regularly. Often it’s just a couple of nights but can be up to a week.
I’m currently working overseas and will be away for 6 days. DH is more than capable of caring for DS, himself and the house.

We’ve just Skyped so I can speak to them both before school and work and he told me he’s had regular calls/texts from people asking how he’s coping! They went out to the local to watch the first half of the football last night and he said loads of people asked him how he was getting on and, again, if he was coping without me.

On the numerous times DH has worked away nobody has ever asked me that!

Why do people ask DH and not me? It’s like when I go out people ask me who’s looking after DS but nobody asks DH as the assumption is he’s at home with me.

It’s really irritated my jet lagged, sleep deprived brain!

Whose looking after the kids......their other parent is always my response. Women I find are the most weird about this.

Other men seem to know it’s not a for them to look after kids too but women always do the shock/horror face.

@Eggy - my 2 yr old is like that when I'm there, clingy and won't let his dad do anything ... but when I'm gone he is perfectly happy to have DH do whatever needs doing

Give them a chance together ... yeah he'll whinge for a while, but probably not as long as you'd think, then they should rub along together fine

Normal...not a for

I think it's a combination of lots of things.

I'm sure the competent involved fathers do get irritated by the stereotype but there is still a decent amount of fathers that are keen to let the mother take on the lion's share of the work associated with the children. I'm sure we all know at least one family where the mother takes on the vast majority of the childcare and associated tasks irrespective of hours worked outside the home etc.

I think some women, especially those with the less involved partners, can become quite controlling about their child's routine and diet. To be honest whilst I know some mothers are OTT, I do think the majority are just trying to avoid the consequences from seemingly minor deviations in routine. Letting a child nap late in the day can lead to a disastrous bedtime and some kids really don't do well with lots of sugar. These things can seem pedantic but can really impact a parent's day and can lead to a miserable child too.

Funnily enough I think the non involved incompetent father's love to hide behind the "controlling mother" excuse to justify their inability to care for their children properly. Most men I have known who have used this argument have either never really tried being an equal parent and have used the mother as a scapegoat or they were genuinely doing really undesirable things with the kids e g. Taking the kids out to McDonald's EVERYtime or dressing the child in a t-shirt in freezing temperatures.

@where most men?? Really? Fortunately that's not my experience

There’s just this assumption that men don’t really know what they’re doing when it comes to the care of their own children.

My brother is a stay at home dad, his general observations are:

• He gets lots of unsolicited (often quite patronising) advice from other mothers on how to look after his own kids

• He is largely ignored at the school gates and certainly not invited to any coffee groups

• it is assumed he is only a stay at home dad because he is lazy or has failed in some way at forging a career for himself

• it is assumed that the household will be in disarray because dads quite clearly cant cook, clean or pay the bills.

• he is considered 'childish' when other mums see him running around the park and with his boys getting covered in mud playing rugby

• despite being the primary carer all correspondence from school and after school clubs are still addressed to his wife

I can see how that would be Pan
But the school one you usually tick who the primary person is, he could change it if he’d prefer him as primary one

My mum can be like this. We both work full time and then share the home stuff between us. If we visit my mum at the weekend she will always go and tell himself to go and have a lie down as he must be tired from working all week. when I say who's going to look after the toddler it's always me.

I think the general consensus is alot of men, not your dh - but alot don't realise how much 'wife work' - goes on behind the scene as rio Ferdinand touchingly put in his book after his wife died - 'there's all this organisation and family structure in a home that men don't see'
www.google.com/amp/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/03/21/rio-ferdinand-life-footballer-dont-lift-finger/amp/

Pan- if more men were seen doing a proper job of parenting like your brother then the assumptions wouldn't be made. He's an exception.

It get patronised by strangers not people we know. In the supermarket when my son ran off and I found him at customer services the attitude was silly daddy not coping. A female friend had the same and was treated as a rubbish mother.

The nurse at the doctor gave him and an injection and told him mummy can give him calpol if he needs it later. It was the 3rd time she'd seen him and each time it had been daddy with him.

I run the local youth club with 3 women and I've been told I'm good with children. I'm not aware of them ever having been told the same.

Isn't it hard to cope on your own for any parent who is not used to it?

If I was going to be mean I'd say that at least there's one area of life where men get patronised by strangers.......

Fair point BertrandRussell

I find this baffling, as does DP. He mucks in more than his fair share with DD & newborn DS...i'm still in recovery so he is doing the lion's share too! He sees it as his role as dad. I went to DDs sports day yesterday leaving DS at home with dad...the amount of people - mainly women - who were all agog about him having his son alone for 4 hours was outrageous. I had to wonder if perhaps their own DP/DH's weren't so hands on

I think it's because it's still quite a new thing - for men to step up and assume full reponsibility for their DC when their wives/partners are working or going out. I grew up in a house where my dad never did any childcare at all, neither did my stepdad. My DH grew up with two working parents, so they had a woman who came to their house every day after school to look after him and his sister. Childcare is still seen as women's work by the vast majority of people and when you look at how most of us (at least those who are middle-aged and older), were raised, is it any wonder?

if more men were seen doing a proper job of parenting like your brother then the assumptions wouldn't be made. He's an exception.

Are you implying that all stay at home dads are not doing a 'proper job'? Quite an assertion.

It’s a good job you’re not ‘awful’ at it too then isn’t it DieAntword?

"Are you implying that all stay at home dads are not doing a 'proper job'? Quite an assertion."

No. I am saying that there aren't many of them. I am sure those there are are wonderful. You do not often see men being "active parents". If we saw it more then men like your brother would stand out less.

Are you implying that all stay at home dads are not doing a 'proper job'? Quite an assertion

That’s not what I read. I read that SAHDs aren’t seen as usual, and that if there were more SAHDs or even dads who get involved and parent their kids it wouldn’t be such a novelty when one is seen.

When was the last time you saw a SAHM congratulated for being “hands on” or praised for “babysitting” her own children? Never I’ll bet, yet if it’s a man it happens regularly.

Because as a society we accept that men aren’t involved, or “help” rather than parent, or make a fuss when a man is the primary carer.

That’s the problem.

Because our lady brains are perfectly designed for dealing with caring for children, cleaning and basically any other drudge jobs (not that caring for children is exactly a drudge job but it involves a lot of routine tasks like preparing food, drinks etc) .

When I used to go away with work more often and had a 2 year old, people would ask who was looking after him which always made me confused. I bet a man would never be asked who was looking after his son! My son's Dad is actually naturally better at the remembering things, mealtimes, cutting nails etc than me - I'm just a bit laid back so struggle sometimes (but still get all the important stuff done obviously). We've split up though and somehow all the routine things fall to me (but they probably would if we were together).

It just drives me crazy when people assume that somehow it's easier for women to do all the little things it takes to care for a child. It isn't easy for me but I do it because it's essential!

When was the last time you saw a SAHM congratulated for being “hands on” or praised for “babysitting” her own children? Never I’ll bet, yet if it’s a man it happens regularly

Yet is seems to be other women who are making these types of comments rather then treating these full time or fully engaged dads in the same was as they would other mums. Equally, when was the last time you heard a single women say. "what I am really looking for is a nice but not terribly career driven man who wants to be a stay at home dad while I work full time and provide for the family". Lets be honest, men who in any way aspire to fulfil a primary carer role are generally not considered 'a catch' or an attractive proposition for many women. The whole male assuming the 'provider' role is still very much entrenched in society. This needs to change.

Absolutely agree that it needs to change.

When I was a Sahd I experienced a bit of "ooh, aren't you doing well, you dickless dolie". Not much though, as my face forbids insolence. Everyone fed, no one dead was what I aimed for

@DisgraceToTheYChromosome I like that “everyone fed no one dead”.