To be miffed that my in-laws are utterly disinterested in my pregnancy

[Thirtynineyearold]

This will be my second child after having the first one 10 years ago (bad back, hip, chasing some kind of career etc). I'm not British so my family shows interest via phone/Skype daily. My DH's family, on the other hand, have not texted or shown any particular interest for the past 9 months (I'm due any day now). His mum comes over once a week to look after DD and offers her help, but then nothing really happens when I ask. Until 4 weeks ago I cooked her a dinner too, huffing and puffing around the stove, and received no sympathy. My DH's three siblings have shown up once each since we told them, and it was because we invited them over or they wanted to give DD bday present (one of them). Two out of three of them have families.
I might be a bit sensitive at the moment and feeling lonely due to living far away from my own family, but I expected a little bit more than this. I know they'll all flock when the baby comes, but that will be to see the baby and not us (or help out). I raised this with DH, but he only shrugged.
I don't know how to brush this side and stop feeling so negative.

Pregnancy isn’t very interesting unless you’re very close to the baby/Mum. Plenty of people will envy the day a week you get from MiL. Yabu, but you’re heavily pregnant and it’s hot so you can be miffed if you like.

What do you want them to do exactly?!

A day a week looking after your DD is quite a lot of help! What do you want from them?

His mum comes over once a week to mind dd? Thats very nice of her. She offers help. Thats also very nice of her.

Does she engage in conversation with you and dd about the baby?

No this is normal.
People are so involved in their own world, they don't see the need to help. Ask or do nice things.
Just enjoy the time with your DH and don't stress yourself to much.

I know a day a week is quite a lot. However, just for contrast, my own mother looks after my sister's children several times a week, more on add hock basis than arranged times/days. I actually don't expect that from my in-laws at all, I just thought they'll maybe come over from time to time to see us and see how we are. Or meet me for coffee or something. But no. One of them even arranged a trip for the whole family 3 hours drive from us to which I couldn't go.

My in laws live 15 minutes up the road and haven’t helped with our children for about 2 years. They’re 5 and 3. I don’t ask them anymore as all the “umm ahhh let me check love, no we’ve already got something on a different day that week so we don’t want to overload ourselves” was too painful.

I think you’re very lucky to have the support you do, I don’t understand why you had to huff and puff around the stove to make her dinner (were you expecting her to cook for you?) and your DD is nearly 10 (assuming I read your post right) so surely she is pretty capable of helping out?

I appreciate all cultures are different and the British don’t tend to get particularly excited over pregnancies etc, but it sounds like you’re not in a bad position although you’re obviously feeling run down. It genuinely doesn’t sound like it’s their fault though. Good luck

Sorry I think yabu and I’m struggling to see what they’ve done wrong.

🤷‍♀️

don't understand what you want them to do though. don't make meals for people if it's making you huff and puff wanting sympathy.

You're getting help, some people do the practical stuff rather than the fussing. Really it sounds to me like you're missing your family, could they come visit?

Why were you huffing and puffing around the stove and why do you need sympathy? Has it been a particularly difficult pregnancy?
In reality, other people’s pregnancies aren’t all that interesting to other people. It’s not your first pregnancy either, so I think people are naturally a bit less excited. She looks after your daughter and she asks if you need any help.

Count yourself lucky, I'm so over the weekly "How are you feeling this week" texts!!

One of them even arranged a trip for the whole family 3 hours drive from us to which I couldn't go

Why couldn’t you go?

I can only get family to help with my DS when I NEED to do something.

It's a no go if I'm ill as they "don't want to catch it".

Once a week is a hell of a lot. Several times a week for your sister is pretty great too!

I can’t understand what your issue is here. I’m guessing there’s back story here.

dazzling that sounds like my in laws. I don't even consider them now. they last had my son when I gave birth to my daughter 9 years ago.

What a bitch only helping with your daughter once a week, she should be doing Monday to Friday and weekend evenings!

Ok, so maybe it's a cultural difference. You help out pregnant women in my culture, you don't expect them to cook you dinner once a week. Or if you do, you help out with dinner, and not just stand and watch.
And SoyDora, I didn't go for obvious reasons: bad back, close to due date etc. 3 hours in the car and 3 hours back in one day is not my idea of fun even when not pregnant. Btw, they know that.

Uninterested. Not dis.

Sorry.

I do think you're being a bit oversensitive about it, but as has been said, it's not surprising if you're feeling a bit overwhelmed while preggers in this heat

You help out pregnant women in my culture, you don't expect them to cook you dinner once a week.

What do pregnant women need help with?

Aren’t you cooking her dinner in exchange for babysitting?

I’ve never felt like I needed help cooking dinner while pregnant (except in the first trimester when cooking smells made me vomit), that’s why I asked if it had been a particularly difficult pregnancy.
Maybe it is a cultural thing 🤷🏻‍♀️. I can’t really think of anything I’ve particularly needed help with during my pregnancies, which is probably lucky as my IL’s live abroad and my parents work full time so I wouldn’t get much!)

YABU.

How can you say they are not interested, or involved, or don't see you, and also say His mum comes over once a week to look after DD and offers her help ?

That sounds like quite a commitment to me, tbh. Pregnancy really isn't that interesting to anyone that isn't the pregnant person.

His mum comes over once a week to look after DD and offers her help, but then nothing really happens when I ask.

Are you saying you have asked for some specific help and she's refused? Though, tbh, a day's childcare on a weekly basis already sounds wonderful to me. (All four parents live in our home country.)

YABVVVU. You're pregnant, not disabled - why would you need people to fuss around you constantly?

You have a lot more help and involvement that I've ever had. I would have given my right arm to have some help once a week.
Yes help and involvement is nice, but it's not an entitlement.