To be miffed that my in-laws are utterly disinterested in my pregnancy

[Thirtynineyearold]

This will be my second child after having the first one 10 years ago (bad back, hip, chasing some kind of career etc). I'm not British so my family shows interest via phone/Skype daily. My DH's family, on the other hand, have not texted or shown any particular interest for the past 9 months (I'm due any day now). His mum comes over once a week to look after DD and offers her help, but then nothing really happens when I ask. Until 4 weeks ago I cooked her a dinner too, huffing and puffing around the stove, and received no sympathy. My DH's three siblings have shown up once each since we told them, and it was because we invited them over or they wanted to give DD bday present (one of them). Two out of three of them have families.
I might be a bit sensitive at the moment and feeling lonely due to living far away from my own family, but I expected a little bit more than this. I know they'll all flock when the baby comes, but that will be to see the baby and not us (or help out). I raised this with DH, but he only shrugged.
I don't know how to brush this side and stop feeling so negative.

Yabu - I don’t see what your in laws have done wrong.
Your mil helps out once a week - that’s amazing help

Are you upset because you feel like they aren’t caring about you, but will want to see the baby? If so, I do understand what you mean. It’s not nice to feel like you are being treated like a brood mare, only of interest when you’ve popped out a baby! But then I’m due any day and ultra sensitive too, and have in laws who haven’t seen me in over 9 months expecting to see my baby after showing 0 interest, so I am also biased!

Sorry but I agree with PPs. My mother lived five minutes away, was retired and never helped when I was pregnant and only when I was desperate once they were born.

Not saying that’s the way it SHOULD be. I’d definitely want to help more than that if I could. But I wouldn’t expect in laws to do more than help once.a week. I’d say that’s being quite generous.

Some people are being so horrible when you are pregnant most people feel a bit sensitive some of the time and not having your own family or friends close by can make you feel isolated towards the end of my pregnancy was hard I felt massive and the heat really didn't help so I understand how your feeling my inlaws don't bother (suits me) but they never asked how the pregnancy was going didn't even want to see scan pictures.

If I was you I would say I'm really sorry but I'm going to be doing picky teas ( sandwiches and fruit) type teas as I'm feeling very tired, try to relax and don't over think everything they might just not realise xx

I am white British. I had no help whatsoever from my family or in laws. Youre lucky.

You’re being ridiculous and incredibly mean about someone who babysits for you for the best part of 15% of the year.

iloveredwine I love white wine. We would get on well , 9 years is a long time. Has your DS notices or does he think they’re just they’re for the fun social occasions —like mine— I think the problem with mine is they’ve had it so easy for so long. Kids left home and happy / self sufficient, all family and friends healthy, family who are not are being looked after by other family members (quel surprise) so token social visits on happy occasions suffice, no money worries. Basically they’ve been doing they’re own thing with little to worry about and have forgotten how hard life can feel sometimes.

OP I really think your overthinking this and in danger of losing their good will if you let on. I can’t identify with your issues over cooking a meal or not having a family outing planned around you. You do sound like you’re missing the support you might have from your family but it sounds like you haven’t been pregnant there so the reality might not be everything you think it is

YABU

Are you worried you won't cope once the baby is here?

What is the reason for wanting help at the moment?

It's pretty uncomfortable being near your due date in the heat though, so you're allowed to be moody, but its not you're inlaws fault.

There’s no need to be mean to the OP, cultural expectations are definitely at play here.

OP, as others have said what your MIL is doing sounds like a lot to the average UK woman. But I’ve experienced pregnancy in a middle eastern country and I was treated like royalty by everyone. Daft things like being ushered to the front of queues, being guided to elevators instead of stairs, being constantly offered a chair. So culturally if you’re used to that kind of treatment and attitude towards pregnant women I can see why you’d feel your MIL isn’t interested. But in my view YABU, albeit understandably so. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

I can totally see where you are coming from OP. I don't necessarily think your in-laws are bring unreasonable but I don't think you are unreasonable either. It's just different expectations. Being pregnant in this heat must be fucking awful and living away from your support network who you know would look after you the way you'd like must sting as well

If you need extra help/company/a chat maybe you'll just have to ask rather than wait to be asked. Your mil might think sheS stepping on your toes by taking over meals etc it probably hasn't even occurred to her that you'd want to socialise just with her (without dh, dd in tow!) It might even make her day if you told her you'd like too! X

I don’t think anyone is being mean, just genuinely confused as to what she wants from them. A day a week free childcare is a lot of help by anyone’s standards!
As I said, I didn’t feel I needed help with cooking dinner etc when I was pregnant. I’d have been a bit confused if I was offered it to be honest, and would have hated being treated like an invalid because I was pregnant. So yes, maybe it’s a big cultural difference.

Op why don’t you give them an area to be more involved in? Like ask them to make a blanket for the baby or choose the nursery colours?

They aren’t your parents, sounds shitty to say it, not yours. Their focus is clearly on their grandkids and not on you - so don’t invite them or host them any more. Leave it to their son.

Wow, I feel like I've just been punched by a lot of you! But also thank you to the ones who've been a bit more understanding.
There are two things that bother me in my original message and maybe I've not been quite clear, but hey, second language speaker and all that.

1. My mil offers help and then doesn't do it. It's more like she offers it out of politeness. I always cook for all of us when she comes over, but lately at 9 months and after 9 hours at work one would expect some sort of help. My DD is 10 and not exactly hard work to look after, so it's not like my MIL is overly tired.
2. My DH's siblings are another matter. One of them has teenage children and I remember how accommodating everyone was when they were little/wife was pregnant and the effort the rest of us put in going to see them. They have perhaps forgotten, but it still doesn't feel good. Similar stories with the other siblings.

You are right to say that I'm probably overly sensitive. And that I miss my own family. But I still can't understand how different the cultures are: I am from Europe after all, not that far away. It does make me feel like giving up on building meaningful relationships with DH's family, which I know is sad. But perhaps the reality.

Sorry OP, I can see you feel unsupported but your expectations are well above average on the treatment of a pregnant woman!

It may well be down to a cultural difference, but it would be better to speak up rather than huff and puff round the cooker, which is very passive agressive and a bit annoying.

Are your family coming to see you after you give birth? It is natural to miss them at a time like this. I hope the rest of your pregnancy runs smoothly

I have spoken up before but hit a wall. I've also asked them to do things for me and also hit a wall.
My family will be coming over, but my issue here is how to deal with the expectations I have vs the reality. It must happen to all of us and sucking it up is not an answer.

But sucking it up probably is the answer! You can’t make people change, and unless you want to have no relationship with them at all (which would be a real shame), then what really can you do?
My IL’s do a lot of things differently to my experience and my expectations. Of course they do, they’re not my family and have completely different life experiences/frames of reference etc. I accep our differences (with the odd moan!)

What sorts of things have you been asking her to do?

For example, she offered to plant new small plants in garden and asked me to buy some. When I did, she then found an excuse not to plant them. Or when I asked her to make something for the nursery on her sawing machine (she used to make amazing things that she sold, they were very professionally made). She looked at me like I've asked for a kidney. So I gave up and got my mum to do it.

tbf, with the planting example, what makes you say "she then found an excuse not to plant them". Here's a thought - maybe what you are calling an 'excuse', might actually be a reason

I don't believe these are cultural differences, I just think the OP doesn't have a particularly great set of ILs. All families are different - my own are great, but amongst my friends it is a mixed bag of experiences. Some of those friends are British, others are not.
I think the OP is unfairly getting a hard time. It's not really help if she has to cook for everyone after a long day at work and the few things she asks for are not done!
OP, you would do better to get alternative childcare for your dd, thus reducing your own workload, because you wouldn't have to cook and also just accept that your ILs are a bit shit and therefore expect less from them. It will reduce your disappointment.

I get why you miss your family. They sound very helpful with your sister’s dcs. But tbh I envy the regular help you are getting from your mil.

By comparison, my mum is dead and my dad works full time in my home country, (a flight away). My sister is about 5 hours away by train and my brother is also in my home country. None of them have been available to watch both our dcs since the youngest was born in January 🤷‍♀️. Before that, I can’t remember when we last had someone watch our eldest for us. It was possibly a neighbour when dh and I went out for my birthday last year. If someone came and watched one of my dcs for free once a week, I’d be very grateful!

If your pils helped a lot with your dh’s siblings when they were smaller, maybe they feel as if they’ve done their bit for the family. It isn’t very fair though. My pils help out sil with regular childcare too. It’s favouritism, but meh. Their loss I think.

I miss home and my family too though. So you really have my sympathies there .

But I would assume - and I think MIL does too - that she's just cooking an extra portion of a meal she'd have to make anyway? So I wouldn't consider that a massive ask. For what it's worth I'm 37 weeks pregnant right now.

Why doesn't your husband help you cook dinner? I'd be more fucked off about that

He does help. But he also commutes and I'm the first one to get home on that day. If I'm working late, which has happened, MIL still doesn't offer to cook. It's the fact that she doesn't offer to help or take the initiative to help that I find strange.