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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be miffed that my in-laws are utterly disinterested in my pregnancy

79 replies

Thirtynineyearold · 28/06/2018 19:11

This will be my second child after having the first one 10 years ago (bad back, hip, chasing some kind of career etc). I'm not British so my family shows interest via phone/Skype daily. My DH's family, on the other hand, have not texted or shown any particular interest for the past 9 months (I'm due any day now). His mum comes over once a week to look after DD and offers her help, but then nothing really happens when I ask. Until 4 weeks ago I cooked her a dinner too, huffing and puffing around the stove, and received no sympathy. My DH's three siblings have shown up once each since we told them, and it was because we invited them over or they wanted to give DD bday present (one of them). Two out of three of them have families.
I might be a bit sensitive at the moment and feeling lonely due to living far away from my own family, but I expected a little bit more than this. I know they'll all flock when the baby comes, but that will be to see the baby and not us (or help out). I raised this with DH, but he only shrugged.
I don't know how to brush this side and stop feeling so negative.

OP posts:

ScipioAfricanus · 28/06/2018 22:29

Do you want them to be interested in the baby or to help? They are two different things.

And while I appreciate that it might be easy to look after 10 year old DD (and it might not be as easy as you think - I saw some grandchildren being quite dismissive to their grandmother who looks after them frequently), that is still more than your MIL has to do. Comparing her with someone who does more, your mother, doesn’t mean she should do more.

I can see how it might be harder if there’s a cultural norm to help out more in your own culture. But you can’t change that. I think you can foster a closeness of relationship, and an interest, or can try to - sending photos of new baby, getting your DD to do nice things for your ILs like cards or postcards to them. It might not make a difference but it might lead to more closeness and interest - whereas you can’t force them to help more (and not should you try). The hard thing here is making all the effort of you don’t think it’s will be reciprocated. But if you can force it for a while it may help - it has with my ILs, incrementally.

ScipioAfricanus · 28/06/2018 22:32

ugh Sorry for the typos - I must proofread.

nor should you try
if you don’t think it will be reciprocated

Snappedandfarted2018 · 28/06/2018 22:39

So you want her to babysit and cook your taking the piss.

Ethylred · 28/06/2018 22:51

News alert: you're not the first person to be pregnant.
Oh, you knew that.

BackforGood · 28/06/2018 22:57

So this has moved on slightly from "not interested in my pregnancy" to "doesn't have my meal on the table when I get in from work, when she's been there looking after my dc for me"

LisaSimpsonsbff · 28/06/2018 23:03

If I'm working late, which has happened, MIL still doesn't offer to cook.

I don't know whether this is a cultural difference or not, but I'd never offer to cook in someone else's house. I'd offer to help them cook - and I appreciate that you say MIL hasn't done that - and if I really thought they needed it (though this would be for an illness or similar, I wouldn't do this just because someone was pregnant) I might take round a meal for them to cook later, but I'd never just cook in someone else's house, and I'd find it really weird if someone did it in mine.

caithuait · 28/06/2018 23:04

I think you're expecting a little too much. my mil came to see me one weekend in the pregnancy. We were living in the UK at the time and she was still working, so I didn't mind at all. I don't have help from my own family, as I only have a useless dad and brother, but I don't expect any help from my MIL. If she gives it, it's a bonus.

Stillnotready · 28/06/2018 23:13

First of all, I hope all goes well for you with the birth and that the temperature cools a little for the end if your pregnancy.
Here’s my thought, are you pretty much in control of everything when not pregnant, and like to decline help with cooking, tidying, gardening etc? Maybe in the past 9 years your MIL has learnt not to offer to help at risk of being seen to interfere offen you or take over? Also, she’s now quite a lot older than when your SILs were expecting, so maybe just has much less energy?

Stillnotready · 28/06/2018 23:14

Offen should be offend!

LeighaJ · 29/06/2018 10:06

People are always so nasty in these threads.

Some pregnant women get upset that close family members don't seem interested in their pregnancy, because they're worried that could translate to them not being interested in the child once it's born. Which would be hurtful for both the child as well as their parents.

Not exactly rocket science to work that out.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 29/06/2018 10:08

why should you have 'sympathy' for cooking a meal?

Original poster

Thirtynineyearold · 29/06/2018 10:19

Thank you for putting it words, LeighaJ.
I'm going to stop writing on this post now, it has become too toxic.

OP posts:

Ohmydayslove · 29/06/2018 10:29

Ah op I think you are missing your family and need a hug. It’s a bitch being upduffed in this heat. Your mil sounds very helpful to be fair I think you are just being a grump and that’s fine you are allowed.

Drchinnery · 29/06/2018 10:48

In laws can't win they're either not interested or too interested!

I wouldn't invite someone to my house then expect them to help me cook or look after my child. Nor would I have them look after my child and expect them to cook me a meal as well. Its unreasonable.

Saying she's not interested in your pregnancy = She won't run round after you do I have that right?

You may need to be a bit more accepting in the cultural difference, not all people may operate the same way. Maybe she helps less as she has been pregnant herself and realises that yes, indeed, pregnant people are capable of doing things for themselves. She may perceive you as a bit lazy. Not saying you are but she might.

missyB1 · 29/06/2018 10:54

Hopefully they will be interested in baby when he/ she arrives. I understand why you feel upset. My in laws were not interested in my pregnancy either and unfortunately have never shown much interest in ds from when he was born. He’s their only grandchild but they just aren’t that bothered, sad really.

FatCow2018 · 29/06/2018 10:55

Far,far too precious OP. Your MIL is doing plenty for you, weekly practical help is brilliant. I'm not suprised she doesn't harp on about your pregnancy though, becuase pregnancy is boring as fuck to anyone otber than mum and dad, and I found it boring too! Hated it when people wanted to talk about babies etc.

Get a grip and be grateful for the hands on help.

lborgia · 29/06/2018 11:09

If you felt very strongly that your DH was making an effort, I don't think you'd notice your mil. I completely understand that if she's been home with your 10yr old, it would be a natural progression for her to have started cooking for example, but I doubt that she's being reticent to be mean.

If you and DH have been working so hard for the last few years, have you spent time with them/ been close to them in that time? Maybe the connection just isn't that warm.

Tell your DH and DC you want to feel looked after this weekend, be specific, and rest. If you're still doing 10hour days and you're about to pop, you need to put your feet up.

obviousNC101 · 29/06/2018 11:11

How utterly self involved you sound!! It's not your first so it's hardly a novelty. It's you that's pregnant not them. Yes you and your DH should be excited but other people
Have their own lives to lead.

Why on earth do you think they should be fawning all over you?

obviousNC101 · 29/06/2018 11:15

Can I just turn this round... looks at it from MILs perspective...

If my son and his wife decide between them, as consenting and independent adults, to have a second child, your view appears to be that I am required to suddenly drop everything else to visit them more, to fawn over them and to treat my DIL like royalty. It wasn't my decision to have the child and it was an adult decision made by them knowing what pregnancy is like and what the outcome will be... so really, it's unreasonable for anyone to ask me to drop or change my life or plans as a result... don't you think?

TheSausageEmperor · 29/06/2018 11:19

My family will be coming over, but my issue here is how to deal with the expectations I have vs the reality. It must happen to all of us and sucking it up is not an answer.

But that's your only option!

LaurieMarlow · 29/06/2018 11:28

I suspect you're hot, hormonal and missing your own family. Which is being expressed as irritation with MIL. I get this completely, though it definitely isn't reasonable.

BackforGood · 29/06/2018 14:58

LeighaJ - that can't be applied here though, as the OP has a 9 yr old that the MiL is very involved with - indeed, comes and looks after EVERY WEEK for the OP.
People aren't being nasty at all. The OP has come on an internet forum and asked if she is being unreasonable to thing the MiL is disinterested. People are giving her their honest answer. It isn't 'nasty' to offer an opinion that might be different from someone else's. It is discussion.
An awful lot of posters on here get very ruffled if their MiL uses her initiative to try to help out, and cooking the meal in their kitchen without being asked would be seen of as very interfering by many who post on here. Not me.

Nicknacky · 29/06/2018 15:23

Op, lower your standards. Have frozen pizza in the freezer for the nights you need a quick simple meal. Cold meats, salad etc. You don’t need to be slaving over a hot stove unless you choose to.

Clandestino · 29/06/2018 15:30

Wow, so his Mum comes every week to look after your DD for a day and you feel like they don't care because it's not about you?

What do you want, constant fussing? This would probably kill me more than ignorance.

ilovegin112 · 29/06/2018 15:44

All mil had to do is read on here about mil and dil and she will know not to push her opinions on you or even offer to help as it would end up you going no contact, You can understand how when you are a mil to a dil it’s an absolute minefield

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