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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does anyone know (maybe) why my friend

123 replies

AllRightNowInFactItsAGas · 28/06/2018 15:28

suddenly keeps trying to invite me to her house in the day-time when she knows I work full-time?

I have a friend who I've known about a year now and she has suddenly started pretending she doesn't know I work full-time (week days only usually) and she has been asking me to come to her house like on a Monday morning and when I laughed it off (thought she was just having a laugh) and said 'Oh no I can't silly it's Monday morning , ya daft thing haha' she then asked me the very next day to come to her house in the middle of the day, this time she was a little hurt when i said 'No sorry, i have to crack at work (am in the middle of a serious work issue at that moment which she did know), but she just said please come and that she'd already told her kids I was coming.

I'm so confused, she has ALWAYS known me to work full time in the week since we met.

Has anyone got any clue or previous experience of friend doing this to help me figure as to why this is happening all of a sudden?

My DH says just say no and ignore any pouting just and get on with my work as usual until she asks me to do something more normal (ie not impossible) but I'm now left feeling so confused that she suddenly forgot that I work and also seemed almost put out by it this week.

This is new to this week, she always knew that I worked before, in fact she's looked into a similar line of work and asked me all about the hours and what''s involved etc so no confusion there about when I work.

Although she has text me in work time before but I just get back after work when I've seen it and she's always been happy with that before now.

I must just add, I do like her very much, she is nice and kind and a lovely caring friend. I'm just so confused by this week and wonder if anyone can think why she now thinks I can stop working and just go off to her house instead?

OP posts:

Juells · 01/07/2018 16:02

Very entitled behaviour. As pps have said, this will get worse. She's not a friend, she'd a demanding diva.

AlphaBravo · 01/07/2018 16:06

You're being just as weird as her OP by not just asking her outright why do you need a handhold for a pretty simple question?

RedPanda2 · 01/07/2018 16:09

It sounds like she doesn't work-I've found that none working people (I'm not saying bring a SAHM isn't work but you don't have to be there at certain hours or you risk the sack) and they forget what it's like and that you aren't available to leave whenever you want. Hope it gets sorted OP it she sounds exhausting. She also needs to stop using her kids as a manipulation tool

Juells · 01/07/2018 16:10

@AlphaBravo

What's to ask, though? "Are you having a mental breakdown, because it's batshit crazy to keep asking me to call in when I keep telling you I'm working?" "Do you have MH problems?" "Do you have early onset dementia?"

The OP has done everything a reasonable person can do. I wouldn't humour the non-friend any longer.

Original poster

AllRightNowInFactItsAGas · 01/07/2018 16:10

Thanks everyone, lots to think about.

Alpha I don't need a 'handhold' I need advice and perspectives because confused - which is why I asked for these and not a handhold

OP posts:

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 01/07/2018 16:10

Does she have a mental block with the fact that you work full time?

SummerofDoom · 01/07/2018 16:11

I used to know someone like this, she would msg saying 'pop in before school pick up' and when I replied saying sorry the baby's asleep she would tell me to come if I had time. When I turned up at pick up (having not had time) she would accost me and tell me her little one had been in tears waiting for me and wanted to show me something/me to read to them/to hold my hand on the walk. Her dc never looked bothered whether I was there or not tbh.

I had to cut ties because she started getting stalkerish, turning up at my house at random times like 8pm, with her 4yo, 2yo and baby when my dc were in bed. If I visited someone else she would 'drop in' - because she used to drive round looking for my car. Whenever I was within 500yrds of her she'd make a beeline for me and I'd end up looking after one of her dc, sometimes for hours on end while she randomly disappeared.

If she's a good friend, try and have a full frank discussion and check there is nothing wrong.

raviolidreaming · 01/07/2018 16:13

Does she have a mental block with the fact that you work full time?

Or just not take your work seriously?

Oddcat · 01/07/2018 16:16

I don't think you've done anything that would confuse me Op . I think a pp is correct and her true self is beginning to show . It's very weird that she made a special lunch and dressed her kids up before going to your event. I don't know anyone that would do this .

As for addressing the situation, sometimes it's not always obvious at the start of 'odd behaviour ' and we just see it as a one off , it only becomes an issue when a pattern of weirdness emerges.

Juells · 01/07/2018 16:23

And the pattern of weirdness has well and truly emerged.

Run.

wafflyversatile · 01/07/2018 16:24

I agree you need to ask her what's going on.

Has something happened in the last couple of weeks that has made you want me to come round because you know I work and am busy so I'm a little worried that things aren't ok for you just now

NellMangel · 01/07/2018 16:25

It sounds like she wants you to see her kids. Maybe they're keen to see you. Or maybe she feels like you're not interested in them?

The whole ignoring your working hours aspect is a bit silly though.

BrownTurkey · 01/07/2018 16:28

I wonder if with all this nice weather she is wanting to entertain with friends in the garden (seeing lots of other people dojng so) and thought of you - maybe she has made it nice or something and imagined you coming over and made plans with the dc, and has been trying to make it happen (obvs not realising your work hours). I think I would have suggested popping in one evening after work with the dc. I bet she’s lonely or wanting to make an effort, just being clumsy about it.

Oddcat · 01/07/2018 16:29

I think that you won't get a real answer if you ask her , the behaviour is very odd and if she was thinking rationally she would just tell you that she needs to talk or arrange to see you when she knows you're available or phone you in the evening . The more I think about this the more I reckon she'll end up being a pain in the arse and if you give in to her demands she'll ramp them up.

PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox · 01/07/2018 16:31

You're being just as weird as her OP by not just asking her outright confused why do you need a handhold for a pretty simple question?

I agree with Alpha, I would have asked what was going on after the 2nd invite. And the 'popping round before the meet up' was left very open ended until just before, so I can see how she was a bit confused by it.

Umm no...simply ask what's going on.

The OP has done everything a reasonable person can do

A reasonable person would have asked outright what was going on.

justbinthefeckinbyebyebox · 01/07/2018 16:33

Oh dear, Summer so glad that you USED TO KNOW that zilla person!!

Op your story does remind me of softzilla, gradually getting more involved and crazy.
Run, run, as fast as you can!

ToadsforJustice · 01/07/2018 16:44

Op - Softzilla. Run.

TotHappy · 01/07/2018 16:52

Hmmmmmmm.

She does sound a bit stalkerish. And like she wants to be special to you, your 'best friend'?

Jux · 01/07/2018 16:52

I think your friend has to stop guilt-tripping you using her children. Do you think she really told them you were coming and really pit them in special clothes and reallyhad them making special food? Why would they be excited about you and dh coming over? Do you have children they play with?

If I were you, I would start by asking her why she was promising her children things on your behalf which you can't necessairly fulfil, or at least say that I was concerned that she might be doing that.

Remind her that your working hours preclude day time visits, except possibly at weekends, if you don't have other plans.

Maybe say it was disappointing that you couldn't get to hers before the meet and greet but that that was a pretty unrealistic expectation.

Those are the main points I would make in a conversation with her , but it would depend on her responses whether Ineeded to make all of them.

She is being unrealistic in her expectations, and bringing her children into it is a serious breech of trust for both her relationship with them and her relationship with you. I hope that she was just telling you those things and had not actually said a word to the children.

I do wonder whether she's playing the 'choose me!' game, where you have to prove that you like her best out of the whole hobby group. In which case, you've not done that (from her pov you've failed but from the pov of your sanity you've passed). If that is what she's doing, then she may just dump you as you've shown her she's not your favourite, or she may step it up.

I hope she's just misunderstood your working pattern and has not embarked on the silly mind game.

blacksax · 01/07/2018 16:59

Well, I don't know how to put this really but here goes. It could be an unconscious cry for help from someone who is teetering on the brink of a complete breakdown. I watched my mother have one - through the months beforehand of stranger and stranger behaviour until the day she went right over the edge.

Wafflenose · 01/07/2018 17:01

I would ring her - or text if you can't face that - and say exactly what waffly did. Do it soon! We need to know what's going on.

Nice to meet you by the way, waffly. I'm waffle.

Cineraria · 01/07/2018 17:06

I wonder if you are the only close friend she has and she had assumed the same was true the other way so when you put the hobby group together she started to feel downgraded somehow by the fact that you are someone in a special and unique position for her but she is one amongst many to you and it is as a result of this discovery that she has started to test how important she is to you compared to your other hobby friends.

Original poster

AllRightNowInFactItsAGas · 01/07/2018 17:34

Wow thank you - absolutely loads to consider here! This is what I wanted, some help to crystalize my own thoughts on this situation.

Someone said about popping in to hers after work of an evening but I can't really 'pop' to hers, it has to be a planned event as we don't live near each other. Despite what she may think it's not a 'popping over' situation (but it confuses me she doesn't realise that as she drives too).

PP asked if I have children too - no mine are all grown and left the nest.

I can cope with it as it always has been - like a planned visit of a weekend afternoon - usually takes all afternoon and goes well into the evening those days but that's ok every few weeks or so but the hours I work mean I don't want to start travelling of an evening just to visit her. Most of the friendship has been conducted by message due to distance but now it's gone strange.

PP mentioned a breakdown and that is a fear I have, having seen it before in my family, and is one factor preventing me from being direct, I don't want to trigger anything, would rather just keep an eye out as yet.

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 01/07/2018 17:52

I dont know if comparable but my DM went through a phase (lasted a few years) of creating scripts in her head where she would decide that people (family and friends) would take part in social events (normally connected with her birthday) she was hosting. Things would be purchased for these events but she wouldnt actually invite people. It was as though she wanted the events to spontaneously occur but at the same time she wanted to be the perfectly prepared host.

It did eventually stop but I know she was very disappointed on a few occasions when people hadnt followed her script.

wafflyversatile · 01/07/2018 23:16

Even if she is heading for a breakdown it's no reason not to ask what's going on.

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