Does anyone know (maybe) why my friend

[AllRightNowInFactItsAGas]

suddenly keeps trying to invite me to her house in the day-time when she knows I work full-time?

I have a friend who I've known about a year now and she has suddenly started pretending she doesn't know I work full-time (week days only usually) and she has been asking me to come to her house like on a Monday morning and when I laughed it off (thought she was just having a laugh) and said 'Oh no I can't silly it's Monday morning , ya daft thing haha' she then asked me the very next day to come to her house in the middle of the day, this time she was a little hurt when i said 'No sorry, i have to crack at work (am in the middle of a serious work issue at that moment which she did know), but she just said please come and that she'd already told her kids I was coming.

I'm so confused, she has ALWAYS known me to work full time in the week since we met.

Has anyone got any clue or previous experience of friend doing this to help me figure as to why this is happening all of a sudden?

My DH says just say no and ignore any pouting just and get on with my work as usual until she asks me to do something more normal (ie not impossible) but I'm now left feeling so confused that she suddenly forgot that I work and also seemed almost put out by it this week.

This is new to this week, she always knew that I worked before, in fact she's looked into a similar line of work and asked me all about the hours and what''s involved etc so no confusion there about when I work.

Although she has text me in work time before but I just get back after work when I've seen it and she's always been happy with that before now.

I must just add, I do like her very much, she is nice and kind and a lovely caring friend. I'm just so confused by this week and wonder if anyone can think why she now thinks I can stop working and just go off to her house instead?

Everyone else - thank you so much these suggestions and ideas are exactly what I need to help me figure what to say and do.

If I didn't want the friendship it would be far easier - but if possible I would like it.

I agree freud nobody is 'right or wrong' - true of most situations I believe, except where people get harmed of course. It's all about navigation usually which I am struggling with in this case.

Thank you all - I think I'll know what to do when I've slept on it tonight.

Is she a secret drinker?

I sympathise OP, one of my friends runs her own business and she's normally home by early afternoon, she's always inviting me over when I'm working!

This Friday just gone she messaged me asking what I'm doing and I said I'm working, she responded saying she thought I had Fridays off, err no I never have and then she said so when are you coming over?

She never invited me over that day and I had already seen her on Tuesday! I don't drive due to a physical disability and it costs £25 to get there and back in a cab and I can't keep fucking doing it but every day she seems to be messaging me asking me to pop over after work.

Argh!

I have consideration for their feelings, not the outcome. My responses are pretty standard, open-ended, empathetic responses.

You've been direct, but with closed responses that I've seen. You haven't actually asked her. Maybe she wants to vent, or she misses you because you're busy or wants a sex change and wants you to call her Steve. You can't prepare, it could be anything. You wont know until you ask.

You can't let this go on though.

It can be just as damaging to say nothing as to say something st times and if it is her MH she is currently feeling continually let down by you.

Call her today say sorry you didn't manage a proper conversation with her yesterday and bring the subject up.

Keeping musing on here won't give you any answers but it will keep you going in circles and it will let her have longer for whatever is going on to fester.

Or could your dh phone her husband? Are they friendly? Just to check out she's ok.

Fuckpants thank you - it is confusing isn't it when they just 'think' things that are so unlikely. Especially when you just say 'No soz I can't'

Agree with those pp who mentioned I could have been clearer last time but it was all hectic getting plans made and ready and all the 'No's' before that were very clear.

Oh Fuckpants I am sorry for you with that, it is similar, it's kind of like that. You end up feeling like a stick record don't you and then no proper acknowledgement of what you told them last time.

If it's a MH issue then that, to be blunt, is not your problem. Please don't fall into the trap of second-guessing your friend's thinking and taking responsibility for her mental state. You have no control over it. You are not a psychiatrist or an on-duty MH nurse, and even if you were, you would be advised to remain professional, i.e. observant but detached, in situations like this.

I think it more likely she's manipulating you, OP, by playing mind games. Some people just do this for kicks. Be straightforward, be direct, and if this offends her (highly likely, because drama queens get mighty pissed off if you derail their stupid little schemes) it is not your fault. Detach from the situation.

Is it possible, that she has some news she wants to share with you and wants to see you on her own? Pregnant maybe? She may have been off a the event as you do sound a bit blurred lines about whether you were coming earlier or not and then didn't come earlier.

User yes I see where you are coming from, but we do message a lot and confide in each other that way (easy because there's no travel involved with that)! I wish she would just tell me if something is wrong. She usually does just tell me anything and so do I with her too, I've told her a few personal health problems lately and she's told me some as well, we're pretty open as a rule.

Ididno No these are family invites for me and DH to see her and all her family.

I know I did blur that one, think i was fed up with saying straight 'No's' during the week.

The first one i was like 'No you daft bugger, it's Tuesday' and I did think it might have been half a joke that time but after the week panned out like that ... not a joke!

Gallicos - I see what you mean! I really do! Thank you!

My partner is self employed and works from home, and does have some flexibility in his schedule in that he can decide when or when not to work as it suits him. But he does generally need to work during the day most week days in order to get everything done. He’s usually incredibly busy and works well into the evenings but he can, say, arrange to meet a friend for lunch for a few hours if he has enough notice and plans his work around it. Because of this flexibility, he has a couple of friends who often assume that he can just drop everything whenever they happen to have a free afternoon and fancy meeting up. He’s had quite a few huffy conversations with friends who take offence if he says he’s busy or has to work, because they seem to assume that he’s just blowing them off. So my guess is that your friend misunderstands your slightly flexible work schedule as being much less rigid than it actually is.

It does also seem fairly obvious to me that there’s something she wants to talk to you about. I don’t think you have to make a big deal out of it but if I were you, I’d say something like ‘hey, is everything ok? Was there something you wanted to talk to me about last week? I’m sorry we didn’t get to chat much today but I’m around on (e.g) Wednesday evening if you wanted to grab dinner?’

OP, if you communicate directly and openly with her, and she is angry/upset/takes offence, then that, again, is an answer about your friendship.

I have friends who are very direct with me at times, and I appreciate that.

So my guess is that your friend misunderstands your slightly flexible work schedule as being much less rigid than it actually is.

To me this makes sense with my friend, I have flexi time at work - As long as I do my core hours all is well and I get credit if I do more than the set hours per day, my friend knows this but it doesn't mean that I can/or want to finish early and pop round hers at £25 a time and sit in her kitchen watching her get sloshed.

She is a really good friend but she has difficulty taking no for an answer, if say no I'm busy on a Monday she'll ask again on a Tuesday etc. No mental health issues that I know off, I don't think she's lonely as every weekend from Friday she's out with her husband/friends and young daughter.

lisa I think it is that - the misunderstanding about my work and thinking me blowing her off but she wouldn't keep inviting us all (DH is included and her DH and family) if she wanted to talk so having thought about it I've ruled that out.

Anything private we discuss by message you see so it can;t be that, she'd rather message than say in front of the DH's as I would too.

I just do not know, unless it's because she thought I'd blown her out this week so wanted me to 'make it up to her' by dropping by before the do but logistics should surely prevail?

it will be the working from home thing

previously I was in a very full on full time job with a massive commute etc.

I'm now consulting instead so have variable hours and don't always go into an office but I still do need to work working hours

I cannot tell you how many people take offence when I tell them I can't meet for coffee even though when I had a FT office job, they never bloody asked as they knew I couldn't come. It is mad!

Fuckpants - that really reminds me of this!! I hope it's not going to be just the way of things now!

Glad you keep saying 'No'. I will myself but it feels soo tedious.

Daffo yes it has caused me no end of problems too.

I think this is the newest one.

I work out of my home office as much as I'm in it but I just go wherever I'm booked to go so no real control. I just know what hours I'll be working which is 9-5 and sometimes overtime if I'm not finished. It's just the same as me doing it office based as you know. People have a blind spot, even the postman thinks I'm having a day off (and I have told him!)

I'm weirded out by her mentioning getting the kids 'dressed up' because you were coming...why would she say that? To try to make you feel guilty? Why would anyone get their kids dressed up just because a friend was coming round?

You're a saint. Long before now a friend would have had a text from me saying "FFS why are you not getting the fact that I work 9-5 every weekend, I keep telling you and you keep ignoring it. I can't meet you in working hours during the week." But my friends would laugh and back off, she sounds much more difficult to get through to.

Another thing I feel is disappointed.

When she asked all about my work (when she was interested in doing it) I explained it all in detail including the 'work from home issue' and needing strong boundaries about it.

I then felt closer to her than other people because I felt she was one of the few who really understood it since she'd found out that way.

I'm disappointed it turned out she still hasn't a clue. Don't people listen at all?

Is it that when you work from home you will be alway just be regarded as 'off work all day' no matter what you say or do. Even family don't get it but I thought this friend did!

Zaphod - that's another thing the dresses AND making food with them just before a planned meal out!

I was wondering if she has decorated or had loads of work done but the getting kids dressed up and party food for you to drop by before an event is bizarre.
JUST ASK HER!

Ask her as now we all need to know.....

Hmmm, OP, I'm sorry, but I suspect this is going to get weirder for you.

Your DFriend, is really only a relatively recent friend. You've only known her for a year. You don't really know her. Her true personality is coming out now.

You've told her about your work and you're wondering why she hasn't 'heard' you. I think because she has only heard what she wants to hear. What she has heard si that you work from home, and if you really cared for her you would make time for her during the work week. By not doing so, you're proving that you don't really care for her.

She wanted you to drop over at hers before the group event, because then she would have had a claim to you, you would have been more 'hers' than anyone else's. It's like the girls who have a birthday party but only invite a few to stay for the sleepover afterwards or beforehand. They are the 'in crowd'. She wants to be your 'in crowd'.

She's going to ramp it up I'm afraid.