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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

All freedom gone

118 replies

sunlovinlover · 28/06/2018 10:01

Hey,
I posted awhile back about how my parents have been using my for childcare since I returned home from uni. Long story short, I work from home and they’ll leave the kids with me even when I’m working so they can go out or do whatever. Sometimes they will go on holiday and I’m left to look after a 5 year old and 10 year old for a week. I’m 22 btw. I also do pay them rent.
Anyway there has been a further development in my loss of freedom. My stepdads car was recently written off. A few weeks back when the floods where happening his car was ruined.
While the insurance went through we coped with two cars, mine and my mums. This restricted me a lot and I was told I needed to ask or give them advance notice if I needed to use my car.
This got my back up abit as living at home after uni, my car was my last ounce of freedom. My stepdad used my moms car and my mom began using mine for work, school run etc. (Also she works nights so my car would be gone when I finished work at 6)
This was annoying but fine while the insurance went through. After a few weeks I asked again what was happening. Apparently everything had gone through fine but then they very casually told me they weren’t going to replace the car and we were going to survive on 2 to ‘save money’.
I’m furious. I feel ridiculously trapped. The advice on the last thread was to move out but I’m just too scared to, money worries and all that.
I tried to approach the subject calmly and say that I really feel like my freedom is gone and could we discuss the idea of getting a cheap run around (we had 2 (now 1) Audi 4x4s which I agree a unnecessary. They basically went mental at me and well...I worry that if I stick to this they won’t speak to me. I also don’t want to make their life harder...but I’m 22 and I really really just want to be able to go out when I like...with the car I pay for :(
Arrrgg. Any advice?

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 28/06/2018 11:20

Someone asked previously about my siblings.
They’re vile to me. They see how my parents speak to me and they copy them.
I love them but I really really don’t need to be seeing them everyday.

aww you poor thing but you know people will only treat you that way if you allow them too. You do really need to get out into your own place and take your life back and when you're out of that situation don't allow them to speak to you that way in the future, if they do walk away and tell them you want stand around and listen to that. And whatever you do when you get yourself a house share start as you mean to go on with your house mates and don't let them walk all over you

missbattenburg · 28/06/2018 11:32

I'd disagree that £200 is lenient rent, myself. But that just be the way I view family living with you. I've had various family members move in with me and I have always just split the bills up so that them living here doesn't cost me more and might cost me a bit less.

£200 here would be half my household bills (inc insurances, tv subscriptions etc) and happens to be what my current family lodgers are paying. As having two extra people here does not double bills and we split the food into 3rds and they pay 2/3 the reality is, I am substantially better off having them here than living alone. Charging them £200 is not be being generous or lenient in any way.

beachysandy81 · 28/06/2018 11:33

If you stay at home you need to be unavailable to look after the kids so you need to find somewhere to work. Is there a big library near you as I think you can use their WIFI and work there? If you have a routine of leaving the house early and coming back late (with your car) they can't ask you.

Obviously you are getting cheap rent etc so a reasonable amount of help with babysitting, housework and cooking would be fair, it just seems working from home you are too available.

SharpieHorder · 28/06/2018 11:36

It's when things get like this that you realise how your family see you.
I realised far too late when I was in this kind of position and I was asked to leave a house I had part ownership in

Leave as soon as you have your arrangements made and don't look back. You clearly need to live separately from them for your own sanity.

HollowTalk · 28/06/2018 11:37

You need to get out, OP. They're not even treating you like their child, but more like someone they can use.

I know it's scary looking at house shares, but if you see a few you'll see people you would like to live with. If you move near to your boyfriend you'll have support and be far away from your parents.

Most 22 year olds aren't thinking about saving for property - there's plenty of time to worry about that.

CoraPirbright · 28/06/2018 11:37

How about you email everyone you know - literally everyone. Someone is bound to know someone (cousin, boyfriend, friend-of-friend) who needs a flat mate or has a spot in a house share. Then perhaps it wouldnt feel so daunting to you if you had a sort of link iyswim.

Also, if you can work from literally anywhere, the world is your oyster!! Have you ever fancied living by the coast? In a particular city etc. You can just go!! Your freedom is right there in front of you - you just need to grasp it with both hands! Come on - you can do it!! If you went away to uni then you have the guts to do this.

insideoutsider · 28/06/2018 11:38

Well done looking for a house share. You really need to move out.
Think of the freedom to do your own thing, the extra hours you can work if you choose, the other jobs (babysitting even) you could take on, the use of your own car! You will still get a chance to save.

You're in your early 20s - this is the time to live your life to the fullest without those responsibilities that will surely come. You will never have this time back again.

Just do it and move out - and don't let them guilt you into not doing so.

SuitedandBooted · 28/06/2018 11:39

Example of Property Guardian place;

Clinicallysilly · 28/06/2018 11:44

Move into a house share and not with your boyfriend as you need to learn to be independent. Living with your boyfriend is like living with your family, you'll become dependent on him. So what if your friends live elsewhere, move into a professional house share or into a studio flat on your own & make new friends.

Meckity1 · 28/06/2018 11:49

Can you see a situation where you will be denied the car regularly? It's a lot easier for them if you can't get away.

happypoobum · 28/06/2018 11:51

Sweetheart you really need to get out. They are taking the piss and are probably more horrid than potential new housemates would be!!

Move out and get a 6 month flat or house share. If you don't like it you can move again, but I imagine you will feel so relieved and amazed to live with people who treat you as a equal rather than a resource, you will be ecstatic

Tara12 · 28/06/2018 11:52

Gosh your family sound unreasonable and uncaring, even. I am sorry. You poor thing.
I would put my foot down with them. I think I would look for a nice house share with some decent people than this crap. Contact Shelter for housing advice. This is actually financial control as they are limiting access to your own property.
They are also controlling you via childcare. They sound selfish and beastly to me.
You may also wish to contact Womens' Aid about the control, they will give advice.

Family121 · 28/06/2018 11:53

if you are paying for a car you are not using, just tell your parents that you can't afford to pay for a car you never use so your going to sell it.

eddielizzard · 28/06/2018 11:53

it feels scary now, but it's imperative you get out. you'll be able to devote yourself more fully to your work and have a much better balance. honestly, you'll wonder why you waited so long.

Tara12 · 28/06/2018 11:54

PS. I have no idea why people are telling you not to live with your boyfriend. Of course you can if you get on.

CaledonianQueen · 28/06/2018 11:54

Your parents sound toxic and controlling, you don’t need to be living with parents who abuse you, siblings who watch this abuse and treat you the same, being forced to look after two children whilst having your means of ‘escape’ / travel stolen from you! They are bullies and you can have a fantastic life without them in it!

Get out now before the kids go on summer holiday and you are left with their care 24/7 for weeks on end. In fact, pack a bag, take both sets of car keys off your Mother when she comes in and leave. You must have a friend who will put you up somewhere! Perhaps a uni friend or school friend? You will find something! Be proactive and start calling people now!

user1andonly · 28/06/2018 11:57

They are being really unfair.

My 23 yo son lives here and pays the same as you. I don't have young children but wouldn't dream of using him as free childcare if I did - some babysitting at times convenient to you would be a reasonable ask but not just dumping them on you when you are working.

I also wouldn't dream of assuming I could use my son's car - again, ok on occasions (like the insurance claim situation) as long as it suited everyone but, by the sounds of it, they think it's their car now and you are just the teenager borrowing it when they are not using it.

They are being very unfair and you have to make a decision here. Do you want to save your money or be treated like a doormat?

Whereabouts in the country are you? Up north (where I am) a house share wouldn't cost you much more than you are currently paying.

Fadingmemory · 28/06/2018 11:58

Your parents are behaving very badly indeed and are getting away with it. Look at your finances and find a flat share or go into lodgings.You are being used and controlled and you are the only one who can stop it. It sounds as though the situation is way beyond reasonable discussion of any kind. Take advice or help from Shelter or any local organisation - and start looking for somewhere else to live. Not easy for you but think of being out of this dreadful situation - you may make some good friends along the way. Best of luck!

SharpieHorder · 28/06/2018 11:58

OP, if you think you may be denied your car -

A day or two before you move, park your car elsewhere and say that your car had to go in for a repair to the locking and you will need the spare keys. On the day of your departure say you are visiting someone, have your stuff ready and call a taxi to take you to your car.

chocatoo · 28/06/2018 12:00

beachysandy81 has the same idea as me - find yourself somewhere to go to work - the library is an excellent idea, then leave the house early and come back later. Your folks don't need to know it's the library. Maybe even find a part time 'early' job, e.g. delivering papers, office cleaning, whatever - anything that makes you and the car unavailable.
When you are asked for the keys, say that you will need the car but you are more than happy to drop your mum at work - make sure you have lots of (fictitious if necessary) events up your sleeve that you need your car for. Turn up late to collect her.
When babysitting, do a bad job of it - text and say 'so sorry' but back up needed as work have called you in or that various emergencies have happened. Stop being so reliable.

RedSkyAtNight · 28/06/2018 12:02

£200 is not great rent for the amount of babysitting OP does plus use of her car (do you get running costs for this)?

I agree with everyone else that she needs to move out. If you hate the people you move in with, you simply move on again.

If you can live anywhere in the country and your friends are dispersed, then why not pick somewhere comparatively cheap to rent?

SharpieHorder · 28/06/2018 12:03

I have no idea why people are telling you not to live with your boyfriend. Of course you can if you get on. I disagree in this case.

OP you are just out of uni. It will be better for you all round to branch out and live independently for a while, see what life holds and take your relationship at a natural pace. Co-habiting is another kind of pressure, it may be fine if you're 32 with 10 years of career and savings behind you, but not so good at 22.

starkid · 28/06/2018 12:07

I agree with the people saying to go to a library/cafe to work if you can as often as possible for now, taking your car with you (not asking them if you can, telling them you are).

They still see you as a child they can order about, and while you're living there they can to an extent but not with regards to free babysitting and taking your car, but more household rules.

picklemepopcorn · 28/06/2018 12:10

I was all set to encourage you to work out boundaries with your parents. I would have suggested looking into other options and showing them that the cost of rent and keeping the car along with baby sitting made it more efficient for you to move out. I even thought you could sell the car and save the money, even if you don't move out.

Then you said your sibs don't treat you well, because they copy your parents. Game changer.

You don't mind living with people, you can find a cheap option. Try the student union in your boyfriend's town. There will be students in need of another person in their house. Half the year they may not be there, too. Win win!

biscuitaddict · 28/06/2018 12:10

Sell you car so you can move out x

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