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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

All freedom gone

118 replies

sunlovinlover · 28/06/2018 10:01

Hey,
I posted awhile back about how my parents have been using my for childcare since I returned home from uni. Long story short, I work from home and they’ll leave the kids with me even when I’m working so they can go out or do whatever. Sometimes they will go on holiday and I’m left to look after a 5 year old and 10 year old for a week. I’m 22 btw. I also do pay them rent.
Anyway there has been a further development in my loss of freedom. My stepdads car was recently written off. A few weeks back when the floods where happening his car was ruined.
While the insurance went through we coped with two cars, mine and my mums. This restricted me a lot and I was told I needed to ask or give them advance notice if I needed to use my car.
This got my back up abit as living at home after uni, my car was my last ounce of freedom. My stepdad used my moms car and my mom began using mine for work, school run etc. (Also she works nights so my car would be gone when I finished work at 6)
This was annoying but fine while the insurance went through. After a few weeks I asked again what was happening. Apparently everything had gone through fine but then they very casually told me they weren’t going to replace the car and we were going to survive on 2 to ‘save money’.
I’m furious. I feel ridiculously trapped. The advice on the last thread was to move out but I’m just too scared to, money worries and all that.
I tried to approach the subject calmly and say that I really feel like my freedom is gone and could we discuss the idea of getting a cheap run around (we had 2 (now 1) Audi 4x4s which I agree a unnecessary. They basically went mental at me and well...I worry that if I stick to this they won’t speak to me. I also don’t want to make their life harder...but I’m 22 and I really really just want to be able to go out when I like...with the car I pay for :(
Arrrgg. Any advice?

OP posts:
Sleepyandtired21 · 28/06/2018 10:20

Look at getting a house share with working professionals. They’ll be nice and leave you alone most of the time. This environment isn’t good and they’re controlling you. It will only get worse.

Musereader · 28/06/2018 10:21

If you work from home you absolutley do not need to be where you are, move to where your boyfriend is, or any friend for that matter. Take everything with you in your car (given you are not long out of uni i am going to assume you don’t have a lot) if you are worried they will notice you take everything try telling them you have to be there at 9am snd it is a 4hr drive so you have to leave at 2 am and just dont come back, ever.

None of what they are asking you to do is your responsibility in the least, they managed while you were at uni and they will manage again, yes it may be harder for them- that is not your fault, that is thier choice, it is harder for you this way.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 28/06/2018 10:26

Find yourself a room on Sparerooms or similar. You're going to have to move out at some point so why not now so you can regain your freedom and stop being a babysitter?

silkpyjamasallday · 28/06/2018 10:29

Honestly your life will be so so much better if you move out, even if things are tight and you feel nervous. Your parents are majorly taking advantage of you, you need to take matters into your own hands. You are wasting the best years of your life appeasing and pandering to them. How much rent are you paying them? How does it compare to the rent for a room in a house in your area? It may not be as expensive as you expect

Original poster
sunlovinlover · 28/06/2018 10:34

I do pay for my car / insurance/ tax. My parents are lenient with my rent, I give them £200 a month which basically everything except food as I buy my own as we have different tastes.
I can work anywhere in the country, I just need decent WiFi and to comply with the H&S for remote workers.
The worry isn’t the people, it’s the money. I have friends who haven’t managed to save a penny since they left uni. I don’t want to find myself never being able to afford a house because of this. But yes I agree it’s what most people have to do.
And to any comments telling me to get a grip. I have been very calm and mature about this situation.

OP posts:
AaronPurrSir · 28/06/2018 10:36

Very few people are in a position to be saving money in their early 20s. That's just not realistic at all.

Maelstrop · 28/06/2018 10:37

I think you need a big chat with the parents. Essentially, your mum has taken your car from you-that's not acceptable. If they still disagree about this (and using you for childcare is unacceptable-start charging them) then you will need to move out. A shared room is probably the same as you pay now for rent and food.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/06/2018 10:38

Are your parents taking advantage of you because you are there, or because they feel that you owe them obedience and an endless supply of favours because they are housing you so cheaply?
Or do you think that there is an element of them actively wanting to restrict your freedom (eg a cultural issue: you should be obeying them and staying at home until you are passed on to a male owner, who will also expect you to stay at home and be obedient)?

GabsAlot · 28/06/2018 10:40

you lived with strangers at uni you can do it again

look around for houseshares they always let u meet everyone and leave

theyre using you

Original poster
sunlovinlover · 28/06/2018 10:41

It’s not a cultural issue at all, I don’t think they realise what they’re doing. When I’ve bought the subject up they have made it very clear they don’t think they’re unreasonable at all. They see it as - if I ask for it I can use it - but I feel maybe it should Be the other way around?
I’m looking at house shares now

OP posts:
stayathomer · 28/06/2018 10:42

First Flowers . If you go looking without them knowing and find out then fine, but moving out was the best thing I ever did, had a lovely house of people and we had a great time. You'll know to a certain extent whether you can live with someone or not. You are 22. Good luck!

LoveInTokyo · 28/06/2018 10:42

Where do you live, OP?

Lots of people your age live in houseshares with people they don't know beforehand after uni.

You're not a child anymore, you don't have to stay with them.

AaronPurrSir · 28/06/2018 10:43

if I ask for it I can use it - but I feel maybe it should Be the other way around?

If it's YOUR car that YOU own and pay for, then yes, yes it should!!

TrippingTheVelvet · 28/06/2018 10:47

You have to decide what's your biggest priority. The luxury of having more money to save towards a house or your freedom. Who bought the car?

missbattenburg · 28/06/2018 10:48

Ultimately it comes down to a choice and one only you can make, really:

  1. Stay at home, make the most the situation by saving like mad. Accept that it involves living with other people who are always going to do things that irritate you. This is made worse by the family dynamics - many parents struggle to see their grown up children as adults in their own right, ime. In terms of the car, you can either make a fight of it or not. If it's worth it, to you, then tell them outright that you pay everything for the car and so expect sole use of it. If you want to share it, perhaps they can pay towards it by reducing your rent. It's worth knowing what your £200 is for in this case: my guess is that you are splitting the household bills 50/50 for this money.
  1. Move out.

Only you know if staying at home is worth the irritation or moving out is worth the extra cost.

As an aside, who bought the car originally? Did you?

OddS0ck · 28/06/2018 10:49

If you ask for it, you can use it? Really, you have to ask if you can use the car you pay for?

That's totally unreasonable. They're expecting their 22 year old daughter/step-daughter to provide them with a car she has occasional use of.

Keep looking for a house share. You'll be fine, just like you were at uni. Don't get hung up on saving for a house yet. Find somewhere you want to live and enjoy getting on your feet. Sounds like you can live anywhere so choose somewhere you'd love to live.

Lweji · 28/06/2018 10:50

Glad you're looking at houseshares.

You don't have to move, but be prepared to do so.
They may change if you get yourself a place and tell them why you're moving. You'll have leverage then to impose your own rules. You can tell them you'd be happy to let them use your car or do babysitting in exchange for cheap rent, but on your terms, when it's convenient for you.
Worst case, you already have a place and you move out.

Assertiveness will help you in the long run with them.

Slanetylor · 28/06/2018 10:51

I do think your parents are getting g a great deal. Your car, free babysitting, more freedom to go out and on holidays and 200 pounds a month. I’m sure they’d come to some ageeement if you spoke to them.
What about you? Do you live and adore your siblings? Is it important to be near them or are you happy to be more independent? Could you share a room with your boyfriend ? A shared room would be cheaper rent.

EveningHare · 28/06/2018 10:51

you really need to move out - you can do this

Everyone is a stranger at the beginning! go girl, get out there and live a little!!

Phosphorus · 28/06/2018 10:51

£200 is really nothing at all.

They really are being very generous in that respect.

ToothTrauma · 28/06/2018 10:51

Move out, love. It’s the only way. You’ll have your freedom and be able to salvage your relationship with them.

Imchlibob · 28/06/2018 10:51

If you choose carefully, strangers can be friends you haven't met yet. Start looking on local websites for housesharers looking for a new housemate. When you go to see the room remember that you are assessing the whole setup, wanting to meet all the housemates (who should equally be all wanting to meet and assess you). Be prepared for a few "misses" before you find a "hit" - sometimes the room will be lovely but you will get bad vibes from one or more housemates. Sometimes they won't like you - that's OK, not everyone can be liked by everyone. But sooner or later you will find a place where the people seem nice.

Your early 20s just after uni should be carefree and fun when you aren't at work getting to grips with being a proper grownup. You must not stay with your nasty overbearing and dictatorial parents any more.

Additionally although you don't specify what work from home you are doing - if this is for an employer who expects your full attention while you are working for them you may be breaking your employment contract if you are in sole care of children during that time. Unless it is agreed with the employer otherwise, you could be disciplined for misconduct.

CoralFish · 28/06/2018 10:52

Look into being a property guardian if it's the money thing. They put people in empty buildings to increase security. If you are flexible about where you live, you might be able to find a self-contained unit that you won't have to share with anyone.

Slanetylor · 28/06/2018 10:53

200 pounds is great rent, but what would you pay for a 24 hour babysitter for a week?

CandleWithHair · 28/06/2018 10:53

Please don’t let anxiety about saving prevent you from starting your own life as an independent adult. You have a job, you have an income - maybe with rent and bills you won’t be able to save right now but that will change as your work experience and earning potential increase.

If you don’t move out, you can save but it sounds like it’s at a huge personal cost to you. These are YOUR twenties, get out there and live them! Your parents don’t sound terribly kind, I can’t see that you have anything to lose right now.

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