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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

All freedom gone

118 replies

sunlovinlover · 28/06/2018 10:01

Hey,
I posted awhile back about how my parents have been using my for childcare since I returned home from uni. Long story short, I work from home and they’ll leave the kids with me even when I’m working so they can go out or do whatever. Sometimes they will go on holiday and I’m left to look after a 5 year old and 10 year old for a week. I’m 22 btw. I also do pay them rent.
Anyway there has been a further development in my loss of freedom. My stepdads car was recently written off. A few weeks back when the floods where happening his car was ruined.
While the insurance went through we coped with two cars, mine and my mums. This restricted me a lot and I was told I needed to ask or give them advance notice if I needed to use my car.
This got my back up abit as living at home after uni, my car was my last ounce of freedom. My stepdad used my moms car and my mom began using mine for work, school run etc. (Also she works nights so my car would be gone when I finished work at 6)
This was annoying but fine while the insurance went through. After a few weeks I asked again what was happening. Apparently everything had gone through fine but then they very casually told me they weren’t going to replace the car and we were going to survive on 2 to ‘save money’.
I’m furious. I feel ridiculously trapped. The advice on the last thread was to move out but I’m just too scared to, money worries and all that.
I tried to approach the subject calmly and say that I really feel like my freedom is gone and could we discuss the idea of getting a cheap run around (we had 2 (now 1) Audi 4x4s which I agree a unnecessary. They basically went mental at me and well...I worry that if I stick to this they won’t speak to me. I also don’t want to make their life harder...but I’m 22 and I really really just want to be able to go out when I like...with the car I pay for :(
Arrrgg. Any advice?

OP posts:
LIZS · 28/06/2018 10:56

Not many 22yo can afford to run a car let alone save for a house. Prioritise your independence and mental health for now. Although you can work from home are there company premises you could work from, where you might have interaction with others and feel less isolated.

bigKiteFlying · 28/06/2018 10:56

Options I see:

Move out - probably hosue share or lodger arrangment as cheaper.
Stand up to them about the car.
Don't say anything but save like mad.
Sell car and/or stop paying for it - as you're not getting the use of out it.

None of them are easy options - but if you have already spoken to them with no change I suspect they won't change - so now you have to change how you deal with the situation.

Racecardriver · 28/06/2018 10:58

If you work from home then surely you could rent somewhere very rural but with decent broadband to save money. Or as PP have said a professional flat share. If you find the idea of living with strangers unpalatable then why not move to be near your boyfriend /friends?

Dandeliontea123 · 28/06/2018 10:59

You've already got your degree and have a job, you can drive, you're good with children, you can reason with others...

Now is the time to have a bit more confidence in your own ability to make positive changes, OP.

LoveInTokyo · 28/06/2018 10:59

Good point about the car. If you move out into a houseshare somewhere fun and urban with good transport links, you can sell the car and save some extra money that way.

I lived with my parents for a couple of years in my late 20s to save money and they weren't like your parents but it still took a toll on my personal life. In your situation, I'm not sure what you're really getting out of the arrangement. They are preventing you from using your own car that you pay for, and they're expecting you to babysit for free whenever they need you to.

If you move out and you need some extra money to make ends meet, you could babysit for other people's children and get paid for it!

StaplesCorner · 28/06/2018 11:00

I dont understand the majority of replies on here - your parents sound unhinged don't they like you? Do they actually care for you at all or just treat you like a convenient cash cow? You provide £200 a month, 24 hour childcare and a free car?

If I treated my kids like this I'd expect them to hate me and I'd deserve it.

Original poster
sunlovinlover · 28/06/2018 11:00

The car is mine completely, it’s on finance and I pay it’s monthly bill. It’s not expensive and I’ve never had to ask money towards it. The last time I had financial support from them (other than liniment rent was this year) was during my first couple of months at uni before I found a job. After that, I’ve been pretty independent and I would like to get back to that.

OP posts:
TwoDrifters · 28/06/2018 11:05

In the short term, can you get up early, drive to a local cafe/coffee shop, and work from there for the day?

That gets the car out of their way and saves you from being asked to babysit too.

Zampa · 28/06/2018 11:06

@sunlovinlover How much are you managing to save a month?

I'm guessing that a house share would be at least £500 per month more so you need to establish whether the inconveniences of living at home are worth £6K (or so) a year.

I don't think your complaints are unreasonable but I do think you also need to recognise that you are getting quite a good deal.

Pythonesque · 28/06/2018 11:06

Another option you could look at, might be one of the homesharing schemes that match people who have a spare room and could do with a bit of company with people like you. Expectations of helping vary but would be set out clearly. homeshareuk.org/ seems to be an umbrella organisation for these schemes.

Good luck getting the balance right. My mother ended up leaving the country to get free of overcontrolling parents and their expectations. (my sister and I have moved back ...)

Original poster
sunlovinlover · 28/06/2018 11:06

Someone asked previously about my siblings.
They’re vile to me. They see how my parents speak to me and they copy them.
I love them but I really really don’t need to be seeing them everyday.

OP posts:
SuitedandBooted · 28/06/2018 11:07

This is one of the Property Guardian sites that a PP mentioned.

properties.adhocproperty.co.uk/living-space/

Move out.
They are getting a free babysitter, a free car, and £200 a month.
All you are costing them slightly higher utility bills.

Urbanbeetler · 28/06/2018 11:11

You do have choices. You’re not trapped. Take your car, find a house share and go. Your self esteem will become so errors and it is bad for your siblings to see a member of the family being so obviously treated abusively.

Urbanbeetler · 28/06/2018 11:11

Errors - erroded

FatBarry · 28/06/2018 11:12

I remember your thread, the advice then will be the same as now.

House share, in your boyfriend's uni town where you have support and leave the parents to it.

Even if you get rid of the car to pay your rent, your freedom is worth far more, and most uni towns are full of things to do and accessible either on foot or by public transport.

SeaCabbage · 28/06/2018 11:14

I agree with the PP who said you really have to prioritise your mental health and general well being at the moment. House sharing is a normal thing to do at your age. Don't worry about buying a house yet - at 22!

Sort out your life and get away from this unfortunate family of origin that you have. Imagine being free Smile. Be brave. Move out and breathe again.

donajimena · 28/06/2018 11:14

I had a wonderful time in a houseshare. I took my time as PPs suggest doing. I always had better houseshares where the owner lived in it because it felt more homely and people were more respectful about the cleanliness.

EndOfEternity · 28/06/2018 11:15

OP start looking at house sharing/flat sharing options. Surely you did this at Uni? If not do it now. While you are at home it sounds like your parents are going to treat you as a child. The only solution is to live independently.
You don’t need to take the first place you find and you may just find wonderful friendships. My closest friend, closer than my own sisters, is someone I used to share a house with. House sharing is good practice for when you gave a place of your own.

GabsAlot · 28/06/2018 11:16

you dont need to be treated like crap for any amount

youre a glorifed nanny by the sounds of it

Slanetylor · 28/06/2018 11:16

Ok there’s more to this story. Your parents aren’t being thoughtless then? Are they actively mean to you in general? Taking your car is a huge deal to me. You’ve worked hard for it and they didn’t contribute at all. I thought they might be taking advantage because you wanted to be near your siblings. But it’s more than that, so GET OUT NOW, before the last of your confidence is taken away.

brummiesue · 28/06/2018 11:17

For goodness sake man up and leave!!!

arranfan · 28/06/2018 11:19

Move. Like Coralfish, I recommend looking at Camelot or similar property guardians to see if there are house shares in a town you'd like to live as their rates can be relatively affordable and include CT, bills etc..

Your parents will have to fund a babysitter, 2nd car etc. but that is their issue.

Cath2907 · 28/06/2018 11:19

Big girl pants time! Living with strangers is a combination of the following:

  • A non-issue. They do their stuff and you do yours and rarely see each other (this is particularly true as a working house-sharer)
  • A pain. They eat your food out of the fridge and leave the kitchen a mess. (Can be resolved with a small fridge in your room but you should ask to see the kitchen / ask about cleaning rotas or arrangements before you move in)
  • Fun. If you hit it off with a sharer then you have someone to talk to.

It isn't scary. You can just ignore them if you want. Get home, go in your room and shit the door. Unlike parents you don't have to try to be nice.

Honestly - having shared accomodation for many years it really wasn't an issue (and I am not very sociable!)

notanurse2017 · 28/06/2018 11:20

Op if this carries on you will lose even more of your freedom. If your employer finds out that are doing childcare during working hours you will lose your job.

Move out!

footballmum · 28/06/2018 11:20

OP your fear and anxiety is what is losing your freedom, not the restrictions on your car use.