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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

£30 towards colleagues sympathy flowers

85 replies

wineoclock1 · 27/06/2018 21:38

A colleague who I've worked with for about 15 years lost her mum over the weekend. We hang around together with 5 others, but her and I are not close. She's part of the group and so I am polite, but she is often very rude to me and I know that she bitches about me behind my back. She is very unsupportive of events in my life, especially when my mum was critically ill. I've been asked to contribute £30 to flowers and some Cook vouchers for her, but I don't want to contribute. I was planning on sending a sympathy card, and I wouldn't mind £10 but I am really strapped for cash at the moment (and I don't want to tell my other colleagues about this.)
WWYD? - If I say no and that I'll just send a card, I'm really making a statement and look to the others that I am being unkind or do I just suck it up as one of those things!

OP posts:
Notcontent · 27/06/2018 21:40

I think you have to be honest and say that you don't have a lot of spare cash at the moment.

ReadingRiot · 27/06/2018 21:41

There must be others who feel the same way, £30 each is a lot. Flowers yes, but isn't it odd to send a gift too? If you speak up I'll bet there will be others who are relieved you did.

LokiBear · 27/06/2018 21:42

Id tell them you would like to send your own well wishes.

Maelstrop · 27/06/2018 21:42

£30?! Just say no.

FesteringCarbuncle · 27/06/2018 21:43

£30 is a ridiculous amount
In my team we would put in around a £5 each and would agree the amount before hand
Tell them you have made your own arrangements

Catchuptv · 27/06/2018 21:43

That's far too much - flowers would cost about £40 for a nice bouquet from M&S online. Why would anyone need a gift for someone who's grieving - never heard of that before.

Just tell them you will be sending your own condolence card.

MrsSteptoe · 27/06/2018 21:43

£30 is a huge amount. I've never worked anywhere where such a high sum was requested. Also, when someone dies, you don't normally give them gift vouchers, IME. £10 for flowers is plenty as a contribution. I completely agree with ReadingRiot.

RippleEffects · 27/06/2018 21:43

Just say thank you for the offer but you've already made a gesture and send the sympathy card as you intended.

RochelleGoyle · 27/06/2018 21:44

Why don't you just say £10 is all you can afford? £30 is loads IMO, unless your friends all earn a lot more, in which case they should understand anyway.

FesteringCarbuncle · 27/06/2018 21:44

I'd be gutted if I had that much spent on flowers for me
I could think of a million other things I'd rather have

Hoopaloop · 27/06/2018 21:44

£30 is bonkers. Tenner is fine if reasonably close, less if not.

Hellywelly10 · 27/06/2018 21:46

£30 each is ott. And vouchers are a strange gift in the circumstances

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2018 21:46

Jesus Christ, no! She’s not your friend, she’s mean to you and unsupportive when you’ve gone through things.

“I’m happy to sign a card but won’t be contributing, thank you”.

“I’m making my own arrangements so won’t be contributing”.

Ruddy cheek.

WeAllHaveWings · 27/06/2018 21:50

Spilt a card and an appropriate sized bunch of flowers which should be £10 each. A gift for sometime who has lost a parent is unnecessary.

TheArtfulScreamer · 27/06/2018 21:54

£30 Is ridiculous my dad died and my former colleagues got me a gorgeous bouquet that probably cost that in total and I was overwhelmed with that, I'd have felt embarrassed if they'd have been expected to chip in £30 each.

Angrybird345 · 27/06/2018 21:55

£30 is stupid! Say you’ve already dealt with acknowledging it and send your own card.

Shumpalumpa · 27/06/2018 21:55

Just send a card. No flowers. No contribution.

A bereavement doesn't excuse her shitty behaviour to you and her badmouthing you behind your back.

Just tell the others you are making your own gesture.

Sprinklesplease · 27/06/2018 21:55

Giving a gift is crass in my opinion. I appreciate its cook vouchers and it is traditional to help with food when someone is bereaved, but vouchers? No.

Flowers don’t cost that much.

Just say no OP. You think it’s too much all round. This isn’t a celebration and you’d rather be low key.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/06/2018 21:56

£5-10 each for flowers and a card is plenty.

Hissy · 27/06/2018 21:58

Say you’ve already made your own arrangements to express your condolences and then just send a card when you can

spudlet7 · 27/06/2018 21:58

I've never heard of giving vouchers for a death Hmm I think you'll just have to be honest and say you can't afford it.

gillybeanz · 27/06/2018 21:59

I'd just tell the truth.
She's unsupportive and nasty to you, and you can't justify that much money on flowers.
I would but I'm not scared of people I work with.

LighthouseSouth · 27/06/2018 22:00

I would be honest and say you can't afford it

£30 is a really high amount to ask for a colleague's anything!

3luckystars · 27/06/2018 22:00

Just reply that you have gotten her something yourself, and get her a card.

dodobookends · 27/06/2018 22:01

Wherever I've worked, we'd all sign a card but sympathy flowers sent to bereaved staff have been paid for by the company.