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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

£30 towards colleagues sympathy flowers

85 replies

wineoclock1 · 27/06/2018 21:38

A colleague who I've worked with for about 15 years lost her mum over the weekend. We hang around together with 5 others, but her and I are not close. She's part of the group and so I am polite, but she is often very rude to me and I know that she bitches about me behind my back. She is very unsupportive of events in my life, especially when my mum was critically ill. I've been asked to contribute £30 to flowers and some Cook vouchers for her, but I don't want to contribute. I was planning on sending a sympathy card, and I wouldn't mind £10 but I am really strapped for cash at the moment (and I don't want to tell my other colleagues about this.)
WWYD? - If I say no and that I'll just send a card, I'm really making a statement and look to the others that I am being unkind or do I just suck it up as one of those things!

OP posts:
HyacinthsBucket70 · 27/06/2018 22:02

I wouldn't contribute anything more than £10 for a colleague, no matter what the circumstances were.

Tell them it's too much for you at this moment in time, and you'll make your own arrangements.

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 27/06/2018 22:05

I would thank them for the offer to contribute but turn it down, telling them that I wanted to make my own gesture (frankly, the voucher is inappropriate and, at least when mother died, the last thing I wanted was flowers making the place look like a mortuary).

But I would then put the past behind me and send her a very kind sympathy card. Losing your mother is a terrible thing.

catandpanda · 27/06/2018 22:05

I think maybe say you can do £10 but not £30, seems a much more normal amount to me - at my work company would pay, otherwise its collections where anything from £2 to £20 is normal.

TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 27/06/2018 22:07

£30? That means a £150 worth of flowers? Totally OTT. £5 is ample.

SimonBridges · 27/06/2018 22:08

£30 if far too much.
This reminds me of another similar thread when the consensus was that the the person who was organising the collection was taking a share of the money.

rookiemere · 27/06/2018 22:08

That’s a huge amount £10 is a generous contribution

Also without wanting to sound mean why does the colleague need Cook vouchers? Sympathy flowers sure of course but vouchers for ready meals - not necessary

greathat · 27/06/2018 22:09

The funeral flowers will prob end up with friend so she will have more than she knows what to do with...

Collaborate · 27/06/2018 22:09

What did you get from them when you lost your mum? I’d contribute the same. If you got nothing then, give nothing now. The organiser of this whip round is being a drama queen.

LighthouseSouth · 27/06/2018 22:09

OP I just thought

is this an official request or just the group of 5?

regardless, I'd say no, but I suddenly thought, it's different if that group of 5 is asking rather than it being officially the company.

I usually do this sort of thing at work and I always just do a generic "from all of us" as well. A pp mentions everyone signing the card. I can't imagine a card with loads of comments "sorry for your loss" - seems a bit full on.

elliejjtiny · 27/06/2018 22:09

It's tricky. £30 each is ridiculous but if you say something then you are the mean one. I got 3 cards when my dad died and my in-laws came round with a takeaway so I didn't have to cook on the day he died. I think £30 each for a colleague is madness for something that is sad but will happen to most people at some point. If someone's child dies or their partner dies young or something then that's different.

Gemini69 · 27/06/2018 22:12

Thirty Quid for flowers ? they're having a laugh.....

say No.. Flowers

Lovemusic33 · 27/06/2018 22:15

I think it’s odd to give someone vouchers or any gift other than flowers after a loss. Flowers will be fine.

If you can’t afford it then just say “I can only afford £10” and maybe suggest that I gift isn’t really needed, just flowers.

AmazingPostVoices · 27/06/2018 22:15

I’d just decline politely without explanation and then send her a brief card.

whywhywhywhywhyyy · 27/06/2018 22:16

£30? Even if she was your bestie I'd be questioning that in a group of 5.

I'd decline.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 27/06/2018 22:19

When my Mum died last year my colleagues sent me a card and the company made a donation to the charity of my choice rather than send me flowers. A lot of my workmates also donated and I much preferred that. I'd have been mortified if they'd sent me £150 of flowers.

dayswithaY · 27/06/2018 22:20

I bet loads of people at your work are feeling the same as you. Just say you are arranging your own and I'll bet they will all follow your lead and just be relieved you said it first.

Jackyjill6 · 27/06/2018 22:24

Are you sure it wasn't meant to be £30 in total for the flowers i.e. £5 each to contribute?

squirrelnutkins1 · 27/06/2018 22:37

£5 each is more than enough and only flowers should be sent IMO

SofieMonde · 27/06/2018 22:38

You can do a printable sympathy card online for free :)

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/06/2018 22:41

You've been "asked" (key word) not summoned. Just say "If I am going to donate. I'll donate what I can afford"
.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/06/2018 22:45

I wouldn't give a flying hoot about people calling me mean. I'd rather people see me as mean than me not be able to top up my gas or lecy or not have the funds to fill up my freezer all because I wanted to act like big time McAlpine.

dadshere · 27/06/2018 22:47

£30 is an awful lot. I would say that you have already made your own arrangements and leave it at that.

Rafflesway · 27/06/2018 22:48

Ugh! The gift idea is totally tasteless and highly inappropriate IMO.

I agree with most pp's. "Thanks for the offer but have already made my own arrangements." Just send a card!

PattiStanger · 27/06/2018 22:50

No way would I pay that amount, tbh I in the circumstances you'ec described I wouldn't give anything. In fact I don't think I've worked anywhere were it would be usual to do a collection when a workmate's parent died.

SunnyCoco · 27/06/2018 22:52

I think the gift vouchers are a little inappropriate

Flowers are a lovely gesture but I would be embarrassed at the thought of my colleagues spending so much on me. I would be honest and say £10 is all I can stretch to at the moment - but do sign the card.