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Original poster

£30 towards colleagues sympathy flowers

85 replies

wineoclock1 · 27/06/2018 21:38

A colleague who I've worked with for about 15 years lost her mum over the weekend. We hang around together with 5 others, but her and I are not close. She's part of the group and so I am polite, but she is often very rude to me and I know that she bitches about me behind my back. She is very unsupportive of events in my life, especially when my mum was critically ill. I've been asked to contribute £30 to flowers and some Cook vouchers for her, but I don't want to contribute. I was planning on sending a sympathy card, and I wouldn't mind £10 but I am really strapped for cash at the moment (and I don't want to tell my other colleagues about this.)
WWYD? - If I say no and that I'll just send a card, I'm really making a statement and look to the others that I am being unkind or do I just suck it up as one of those things!

OP posts:
MrTrebus · 27/06/2018 22:52

£30 each?!Where the fuck do you work?! House of commons?

Jux · 27/06/2018 22:52

Why on earth do people think that £30 a head is in any way a reasonable amount to guilt-tripeveryone into 'donating'? How lovely their lives must be, that they can afford to just drop £30 at short notice.

Don't do it, especially for someone who is rude to you. Just tell your colleagues that this month £30 is out of the question, would they prefer you put in a tenner or should you do something completely separately?

moira123io · 27/06/2018 22:52

£30 is exorbitant. Tell them you will contribute £10 and leave it there, you don't have to explain yourself or provide for someone who isn't even polite to you.

Ilovelblue · 27/06/2018 22:54

I'm assuming there are 6 of you to contribute so that makes £180 on flowers if you all are expected to hand over £30. Not only is it a total waste (the flowers only last a short space of time, be honest), but very over the top in my view. When my parents died, some of my work colleagues sent flowers separately to me and then there was a general office collection. Agree that £30 from you is inappropriate (especially if you are a bit strapped for cash anyway) but why not suggest a token spray of flowers and then maybe a donation to charity. (Bearing in mind many funerals these days say family flowers only and donations to xyz). You just want your colleague to know that you are thinking about her at this sad time.

One of my colleagues sent me a rose in a pot after my Mum died - it was called Mum in a Million, which was a lovely thought. You can buy it on many of the online gardening sites.

Hope that helps.

Original poster
wineoclock1 · 27/06/2018 22:57

Thanks for all your comments.

The reason for the cook vouchers is because she has picked up a huge amount of extra responsibility as a result of what has happened and basically has no time, on top of all the funeral arrangements and looking after her DC.

I'm drip feeding a bit (sorry) the 7 of us are more than colleagues in that we socialize after work and some of us even went on holiday together about 8 years ago. We are in a whatsapp group and all the others have replied saying 'great idea'!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 27/06/2018 22:58

Just say you will do your own thing. Nothing more, unless you wish to say I do not have a spare £30 at the moment.

That is a massive amount for a colleague who you do not get on with.

Notthatwomanagain · 27/06/2018 22:59

What came up with he idea of giving a gift too? And who decided the amount?
Bet you renf the only one who isn’t pleased.

Say you would prefer not to contribute to a group gift and will just give £10 to the flowers.

Ilovelblue · 27/06/2018 23:00

wineo'clock just read your last comment. Not sure if you live close to each other or not, but if somebody lives within easy reach of her, it would be even more thoughtful to take some home made meals round. I must admit, I appreciated having meals brought to me as my head was all over the place and just having things to shove in the oven was incredibly helpful.

user1497991628 · 27/06/2018 23:17

That’s nuts! Far too much money. Just decline to be involved.

Gemini69 · 27/06/2018 23:18

£180 worth of flowers is an Extravagant Showy 'Look at Me' obscene idea.. you must stand your ground on this... keep your money Flowers

WerkSupp · 27/06/2018 23:24

Don't be ridiculous! You can't afford 30 quid, so why even debate giving it? So what if they all think it's a great idea. If you don't have £30 spare then you can't give it. Just say it's a lovely idea but that your budget is tight and the most you can afford is a tenner. Who cares if they think you're mean? If it means going without food or your kids going without then it's a no-brainer.

Hisnamesblaine · 27/06/2018 23:39

What's a cook voucher? And yes 30quid far far too much

TattyFrench · 28/06/2018 00:16

Her mother has died and you're arguing the toss about flowers.

If you can't afford it just politely say so to the group and send your own condolences.

MoreAndLess · 28/06/2018 00:31

I'd reply that £30 is a bit much for you and that you will do something on your own.

TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 28/06/2018 00:33

Reply saying you already sent your condolences.

Kokeshi123 · 28/06/2018 00:53

30 quid EACH?! How many people are contributing? Is she getting her very own tropical greenhouse or something>?

CadyHeron · 28/06/2018 00:57

30 quid?! Far too much.regardless of whether you get on with each other or not! I'd struggle to find that spare at the moment.
Buy your own card and bunch of flowers a lot cheaper.I would.

CadyHeron · 28/06/2018 00:59

30 quid EACH?! How many people are contributing? Is she getting her very own tropical greenhouse or something>?

That's what I was thinking, what the hell bunch of flowers does that buy if all the office chips in with that?! Grin
I'd want the whole greenhouse and them gold plated for that price lol

TattyFrench · 28/06/2018 01:04

A persons mother has died.

Some of the responses on this thread are very distasteful.

Just pay your respects in a way that feels comfortable to you and stop being dramatic over a bereavement that doesn't affect you. Whether you like her or not, her mother has died. Try being respectful.

CadyHeron · 28/06/2018 01:07

Tattyfrench I don't think anyone on the thread has a problem with that, I'm sure we're all in agreement that it's sad times and we all would want to contribute.
Just 30 pounds EACH for flowers is extortionate and not everyone can just easily magic that out of thin air.

TattyFrench · 28/06/2018 01:20

It's the tone of the thread CadyHeron, like a death doesn't matter. It's not about being able to afford £30 or not, it's about affording dignity to someone who's mum has died. Not joking about greenhouses. It reads like s 'teacher/colleague' gift thread. Pay it don't pay OP but stop making it about you.

Kokeshi123 · 28/06/2018 01:32

Get a cheap bunch of flowers and a sympathy card like you were planning to do anyway, and then say to the donation collectors next time they mention the 30 pounds thing, "Oh, whoops, sorry, I forgot to mention this, but I am afraid I already did the flowers and card thing by myself."

Cady, I get what you are saying but it sounds like the woman in question was a bitch to the OP when her own mum was critically ill. The OP is already planning a sympathy card to someone who is not very nice to her--I think that is enough quite honestly.

Kokeshi123 · 28/06/2018 01:32

Tatty, not Cady!

LemonysSnicket · 28/06/2018 01:43

I had something similar today. Asked to contribute to a leaving present. I earn 1/3 if everyone else because I'm just starting out, DP and I are in £4,000 credit card debt ( we can pay it off by the end of the year, was due to moving house) but it means we're skint atm.
It's like they expect that this is an easy amount ... don't consider that might be your food for the fucking week.

I said I will buy her a drink but I just can't afford it. New to the team too so felt like a right cheapskate Blush

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/06/2018 06:21

No £30 is too much
Just be honest