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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not contribute to this appeal and potentially embarrass my children?

306 replies

SnappedCrackledAndPopped · 27/06/2018 19:48

School is holding a cake sale and non uniform day for a 'charity appeal' for a terminally ill little girl. The appeal has been featured in local newspaper and radio and they want to raise half a million pounds to go towards seeking alternative therapies abroad and also a memory making Disney family holiday. I'm rather embarrassed to say that I have a few issues with this, due to the following:

The child is terminally ill. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that can be done to save their life or halt progression of this cruel and tragic disease. At best, these quack unproven treatments could only extend their life by a couple of months, at worse it would mean dragging a very sick child half way around the world on several exhausting journeys, which I'm not too sure would be in their best interests.

It is not correct to say this is a charity appeal. It is a crowd funder.

The kids think I'm being unreasonable. I'm ok with donating to one of the charities and foundations that fund research into this disease and I will happily do so. It's just that the crowd funder doesn't sit comfortably with me.

On the other hand I can wholly sympathise with her desperate family and have no idea whether or not I'd do the same in this situation.

Should I just keep my thoughts to myself and ride the wave of love shown to them by our local community, or go with my gut instinct that all this is probably not a very good idea?

Prepared to be told I'm a heartless evil witch.

OP posts:
cricketmum84 · 28/06/2018 13:00

@BlancheM please elaborate!!

MariaMadita · 28/06/2018 13:13

@BlancheM

Please don't. (Unless there's no terminally ill child. If there isn't... Yes, please elaborate.)

Soubriquet · 28/06/2018 13:19

Don't name the child. They would be here if they wanted to advertise

However what has the OP embellished on?

Battleax · 28/06/2018 13:56

I've just realised who this thread is about. You've really embellished the facts here OP.

How can you possibly have “realised who it’s about” from that description?

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 28/06/2018 14:03

There's a time to be a smart arse and a time not to be. Yabu. Even though I agree with some of your points.

BertrandRussell · 28/06/2018 14:07

We have a similar situation locally, and I feel the same as you, OP. I am very, very uncomfortable at providing money for snake oil salesmen and false hope. I tell myself that the money I donate goes to giving the family a more comfortable, practically easier life. But I am still uneasy.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/06/2018 14:27

Blanche, you probably don't know who it is. Appeals like this are not uncommon - and the 'embellished' facts might be actual facts - about a completely different school, family, and snake-oil seller.

BakedBeans47 · 28/06/2018 14:28

I don’t think you’re U with feeling uncomfortable but I would probably just suck it up and stay quiet x

BlancheM · 28/06/2018 15:14

Crowdfunding for little girls with the same outlook, for the same cause, high media coverage and huge amounts already raised aren't that rare or maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part that's it's uncommon 😔
But yes I shouldn't have said anything, apologies.

MoreAndLess · 28/06/2018 15:25

Blanche
I've just realised who this thread is about. You've really embellished the facts here OP

I find that highly unlikely, especially as I wouldn’t be surprised if the OP has changed a few details to make it more difficult to out anyone involved.

BananaToffo · 28/06/2018 16:02

*At least you have the decency to feel embarrassed. Go a bit further and make it shame.
This is not an opportunity for you to be all controversial. It's an opportunity for your local community to rally round amd show support in a any way possible for a dying child. Join in for fuck sake.
I give money to the kids' school without question towards extensions, or to fix a leaky roof, or towards leaving vouchers for staff. Why not towards a dream holiday for this girl and her family?
*
What an offensive and disgusting post, Blanche M. How dare you?

Re-read the OP and try to understand what is actually being said, and what the OP is actually asking. Can you manage that?

She is concerned that a desperately sick child with no hope of recovery is possibly going to be harmed by being taken abroad for experimental treatments that won't work.

This ought to be a concern for every person of integrity being asked to contribute but instead we get mouthy show-offs like you spitefully declaring that the OP ought to be "embarrassed and ashamed". For giving a shit?

Maybe YOU should try giving a shit too instead of snatching at an opportunity to ponce on about how much money you give away, as if that's relevant to anything (or even true).

I see that your attention seeking has now extended to pretending that you know which child the OP is talking about. What a load of crap.

Your post is nasty, thoughtless and ignorant.

BertrandRussell · 28/06/2018 16:06

I would give without a second thought towards living costs or a holiday or treats. I do not want to give to the peddlers of snake oil and false hope.

Sammymommy · 28/06/2018 16:20

I would never judge parents of terminally ill children. Ffs... do you feel better about being so much better than those parents? Give a pound. Or don't really, if you have a problem with they. They have a child they will lose soon... they probably won't care you're a d*ck to them

BertrandRussell · 28/06/2018 16:24

It's not judging to want to stop vulnerable people being exploited.

SoddingUnicorns · 28/06/2018 16:25

I have to say I think what ended up happening with both Charlie Gard and Alfie Evans in terms of the public outcry wasn’t the responsibility of either set of parents.

It was ghouls jumping on a bandwagon to cause as much trouble as possible and probably made life even harder for the parents, since it was never about them or their children.

Once it’s out there it’s public property and there will always be a mob desperate to be heard or seen, especially in the internet age where you can garner likes or whatever with one post. Selfies, videos of people singing or reading poems. It was all so bloody self serving and nothing to do with either of the wee boys who they claimed to be “fighting” for.

I don’t think this is the same.

SmallBlondeMama · 28/06/2018 16:46

Oh my god you are stone cold!!! Of course you should contribute if you can.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 28/06/2018 16:57

I wouldn't give either but would to the actual charity doing the research etc into treatment for the same reasons as OP.

However I'd let them pay for cake and non uniform and bite my tongue on this one for their sakes.

I've opted out of various find raising I disagree with and support just a few charities I've chose that mean something to me.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 28/06/2018 16:57

I wouldn't give either but would to the actual charity doing the research etc into treatment for the same reasons as OP.

However I'd let them pay for cake and non uniform and bite my tongue on this one for their sakes.

I've opted out of various find raising I disagree with and support just a few charities I've chose that mean something to me.

SummerGems · 28/06/2018 17:03

The vitriol directed towards the OP is entirely uncalled for and tbh quite shameful.

it is not judging parents to not want to line the pockets of charlatans who make their money by preying on the desperate and selling them false hope. I wouldn’t personally go and seek such treatments abroad but it’s easy to see why some do. However when they do there are numerous quacks out there who are prepared to make money from their desperation to save their child, and to tell them that their child will live if they only buy this remedy which hasn’t been licenced for the last 30 years but that’s ok because that means they’re free to sell it to them as a trial. These are the people who should be judged and anyone who doesn’t should be ashamed of themselves.

I watched a programme on BBC some years back where they featured terminally ill children and where the parents of a child told there was no hope left travelled to florida to give him some treatment which they had been told was a cure all. The oncologist warned them of the pitfalls, that there had been children who died after having these treatments but they were desperate and the quacks were rubbing their hands together at the prospects of getting their hands on their money. So they went to the facility, I think it was in Florida actually, the child was admitted to the facility, and two days later was rushed to the local hospital with salt poisoning. The staff at the hospital told the BBC that they have a high number of children admitted from this particular place. The child eventually went home but the damage done by the treatment and the sodium was so great that he couldn’t even have palliative chemo at that point, and died just days later. Sad.

The “dr” at the centre of all this was in the news a couple of years later iirc and not for good reasons.

So while in principle I have no issue with contributing to a fund to help a child Have their last holiday I do take issue that not wanting to contribute to these charlatans’ bank balances.

And if not wanting to line the pockets of people who make their money by exploiting the desperate makes me a heartless bitch then I’ll gladly wear the title.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/06/2018 17:10

Better a 'cold bitch' with a bit of sense than a gullible, blubbering moron. Every time.
It's not so bad when the stupid themselves get fleeced, of course - but when this sentimentality leads to actual harm of others (like these poor kids and families conned by dangerous woo-peddlers - or when ghouls disrupt the normal business of a hospital and put the lives of other children at risk, for instance) then it's important to stand up to the fucking idiots, refuse to be blackmailed by them, and mock their wilful ignorance.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/06/2018 17:10

Better a 'cold bitch' with a bit of sense than a gullible, blubbering moron. Every time.
It's not so bad when the stupid themselves get fleeced, of course - but when this sentimentality leads to actual harm of others (like these poor kids and families conned by dangerous woo-peddlers - or when ghouls disrupt the normal business of a hospital and put the lives of other children at risk, for instance) then it's important to stand up to the fucking idiots, refuse to be blackmailed by them, and mock their wilful ignorance.

foxferry · 28/06/2018 17:13

I on the whole agree and feel similarly to you. But, this is not the time to say anything to anyone, especially those involved or the friends and family etc. Allowing your kids to join in and donating a pound or two does not mean you a supporting it, it's just you 'going with the flow' in the literal sense. Going against it could potentially cause upset as many people don't have the emotional nuance to understand where you're coming from. It's desperately sad and your feelings shouldn't be made open to anyone. Ultimately a child is going to die and a family are going to be distraught. To keep our of it you're going to have to go with it.

BlancheM · 28/06/2018 17:29

Right back at you, Banana.

crunchymint · 28/06/2018 17:32

right back at you What are we in the school playground?

BlancheM · 28/06/2018 17:32

Everyone gives money to school. I wasn't saying I go out of my way to give to every charity. I don't know about your children's schools, but there is a letter almost every month asking for this, that or the other and no one bats an eyelid sending the money in. I hope you understand now that I've clarified.