DH is too committed!

[piterdevries]

Not to family life, or work, or the house. No, he is dedicated to his warhammer hobby.

Last night, I feel him stirring at around midnight. He goes off and I hear bathroom light go on. I am a light sleeper so after 30 mins aware he hasn't come back.

After knocking gently on door, I let my self in (lock is type you can turn with coin from other side. Good for young DCs!). There his is, wobbed out on the toilet holding some sort of plastic vehicle with a pot of the glue that DH must have knocked over all over the lino. I shake him and he blurts out something sounding like 'peach body oil' and drops the little car, which breaks much to my delight!

Now, I hate the smell of the glue and I dont like DG indulging this hobby when we are sharing quality time in front of telly etc so I admire his commitment to his hobby in a weird way but he hasn't shown this level of commitment to anything else (housework would be nice lol). I thought once we had DCs he would leave all this juvenile stuff behind and be like a normal person

Further to that DS (mentioned above has ADHD) has come on in leaps and bounds since he's been doing Warhammer - we wonder whether Warhammer has helped his concentration span and fine motor skills. His handwriting and drawing is transformed compared to a year ago.

The poor bloke. Tempted to say LTB, if only for his own sake!

Out of curiosity how old are you OP? I can't imagine being embarrassed about my partner's hobbies, or he mine. I wouldn't waste my time on people who wanted to mock them either. I put up with years of that crap when I was at school.
In our house we've recently found a great love for building Lego sets while we're watching the TV. We get a drink each and chat all the while... it's fun and we are spending time together. Some evenings we play video games (separately). Some nights I might take a book in the bath while he watches something I'm not fussed about. No hard and fast rules here. I think you just need to chill out and allow him to do the same. What's the harm in him painting figures while you're both watching TV together? So sorry but it sounds like YABVU.

poor bloke.

is he aware you are quite so dismissive and condescending about him?

You clearly don't have a hobby OP.

but if he stopped pouring so much effort into a nerdy hobby and more into say his work he may have got another promotion by now, or maybe into the home so we could have a nicer house.

Seriously? If you feel that way you should stop watching telly and putting more into work and a promotion.

You sound horrible, your husband is basically not allowed to have a hobby but should cater to your wants.

I'm guessing this post didn't go as you'd planned it to OP?

You sound mean and controlling

I don't hang out much on AIBU but have noticed this phrase being commonly used whenever a woman starts a post that criticises her DP in any way even before we know any of the details.

What we know?

The OP got out of bed at midnight and spent half an hour in the bathroom painting a model. That doesn't sound like a typical thing to do as an adult with children.

The OP wrote: Now, I hate the smell of the glue and I dont like DG indulging this hobby when we are sharing quality time in front of telly

We don't know anything other than the OP doesn't like the smell of glue so won't allow that to happen when they're watching TV. We don't know how often they watch TV or if the OP insists he watches TV with her. For all we know he might expect to spend every waking hour at home on his hobby and therefore the OP draws the line when they are watching TV.

Men are held to such low standards. There's a veneer of 'well at least he's not watching porn or out getting legless or being violent' so let him indulge himself in his little hobby. Men's hobbies have always been seen as more acceptable than women's leisure activities. Depending on child-care and extended family, having a job and a family are incompatible with having much free time to oneself. In yet many men manage to find a way to make their wife/partner a XXX-widow. golf-widow. Cricket-widow. Warhammer-widow. marathon-widow.

Both partners in a relationship should have time to do things alone and together but only after both have contributed to what needs to be done to maintain a home and care for children.

OP does sound a little contemptuous towards her DH but that could be a misguided attempt at humour.

You married him, knowing he played Warhammer.
You want him to give this up in order to focus on something that's evidently not important to him
You call his hobby 'childish'.
You're glad when his models break

Jesus fucking wept, OP. I'm so fucking glad I don't know you.

DH tabletop games. I knew this when I met him.
We moved in together, him, me, DD, and assorted cats.
He continues to tabletop game.
He doesn't work for a promotion- because he doesn't want one
I don't care, because we earn enough as we are.
He works hard, he comes home, he helps around the house, and then he paints miniatures and commandeers the table once a fortnight.

You knew he gamed when you married him, OP.

If you weren't prepared, you're at fault.

Have you asked him what that model - which you delighted broke - cost in terms of money and time and effort? I don't get why you would be happy something your spouse has poured his energy into broke like that. How would you feel if something important to you got broken and your spouse was gleeful about it? How would you feel if he thought something you enjoyed doing was juvenile and that you should grow out of it and do more work?

My spouse put modeling away for a few years after something big was broken and I can tell you, he kept feeling something was missing and that he had less and less for himself which made it harder for him to put energy into other things. Putting a hobby away is hard and it doesn't really mean that that energy will transfer to something else. No matter how little time I spend on my hobbies, I'm not going to get enthusiastic to wash the dishes or clean the loo. Both my spouse and I have had to put hobbies on hold at various times for various reasons and it tends to be very frustrating and soul-sucking and make things harder because, really, we find those activities energizing and without them we don't have that energy for anything.

Why do you think you're friends will want to discuss 5-a-side more? I would find that far more boring and know far more who do that to relive their youth in a childish manner than Warhammer players. I don't even play, but the Warhammer groups I know have dozens of adults (seriously don't know kids can afford it), wargames are a big business before even getting to the offshoots like their tabletop roleplaying games like Dark Heresy. My husband doesn't tend to play much, just build, customize, and paint, and he finds it very relaxing.

Your DH is a perfectly normal, just a guy with a hobby which thousands+ others play, you're the weird one who married someone you were hoping would change to suit your and your friends' ideal.

You don't "let" him do his hobby during quality time

And hoped he gave up his "juvenile " hobby

Well aren't you lovely? Why do you get to be so condescending and nasty?

I don't "let" DP do anything...hes a grown adult who makes his own choices

And assessing activities as juvenile is frankly juvenile in itself...yabvvvu

And frankly I might read your post to Dp just so he appreciates me!

I had missed your update...wow you sound vapid

I wanted a nicer house you know...guess what I did? I got a promotion and paid for it

I genuinely used to have friends who looked down on my partner ....guess what...not my friends anymore !!

Are you trying to be funny?
It just sounds like you're being a bit of a cow.

Peach Body Oil and Warhammer aren't two things that go together.
Sounds a bit suspect.

Basically the OP is a abusive person if i was his friend i would be suggesting he LTB.

You are no different then men who stop their wives going out for their hobbies or seeing friends. I REPEAT you are a abusive controlling person give your head a shake and stop being a abusive C*nt Warhammer is not a bad hobby while it does not have to be your cup a tea.

I for one think watching TV is a shit hobby only for brain dead morons he couldnt think of something better to do. Yet i don't go around telling people i think they are morons for spending hours watching soap or trash reality TV each to there own.

In fact the popular kids at school i went too are all in dead end jobs or unemployed where as the "nerdy" children are all in professional jobs in my friend circle from school we have a surgeon 2 GPs 2 lawyers and a investment banker and once a month we all meet up for DnD sessions.

You would be surpised just how many successful people play these "waste of time / junvilie hobbies of gaming, warhammer or DnD".

You should be ashamed of yourself as you sound to be a A grade Cnt.

being in front of a TV isn't 'quality time'

Speak for yourself. For a lot of couples, quiet time spent in each other's company doing separate things is golden, especially after dealing with screaming coworkers and children all day.

But they aren't doing separate things; the OP insists that he doesn't do his hobby while they're watching tv, so they're just sitting there staring at the tv together. Why can't he do his hobby while they watch tv? I knit while I watch tv.

I think it’s very unkind to be glad when something important to your DH is broken.

Haven’t a clue War Hammer is, but you sound very spiteful OP and I feel quite sorry for a man compelled to try and do his hobby in the middle of the night because he can’t do it any other time, and even then you’re breaking into the toilet (that’s weird by the way) to see what he’s up to!

I don't partake in many of my DH's hobbies (which include online gaming, board games, chess, swimming) and he generally doesn't partake in mine (which includes Mumsnetting). However, whilst we don't necessarily enjoy each other's hobbies, we both enjoy seeing each other having fun.

I ask him how his chess is going, and whilst the details of it don't interest me at all, I love seeing his face light up when he talks about it. If he hasn't played for a while I actively encourage him to rekindle his hobby. Because I love him, and I love to see him enjoying himself and taking advantage of the little pleasures in life.

Perhaps the issue is that you don't have a hobby that takes up as much time as his? My husband and I are happy because we both spend equal amounts of time on our respective hobbies and therefore don't feel "widowed" by any perceived lost time.

With regards to your comment about your DH working towards promotion: It's been proven that people with a healthy life balance (i.e. also allocating time towards extra-curricular/social activities and hobbies) do better than those who only focus on work. Your brain needs time to relax, to process information, and for it to come up with creative ideas. My best work has always been produced during periods in which I didn't dedicate myself 100% to my career/studies.

I used to be into Warhammer at school, and it's a pretty well-rounded activity - it allows not only creative artistry but tactical thinking. There's definitely worse things your DH could be allocating time towards, and at least he's not abandoning you for hours to go to the gym or to go drinking!

I don't know how cuddling on the sofa watching whatev together (vs staring at separate phone screens) isn't doing something together.

@Ifonlyus

Did you miss the OP's last post?

the OP insists that he doesn't do his hobby while they're watching tv, so they're just sitting there staring at the tv together

Oh, I thought she meant he couldn't go elsewhere in the house and do it. Weird. Who actually looks at the TV the whole time anymore

@Brunsdon1

I read it to my husband and son who both WH. 😉 And told them to organize another D&D day with their mates. Then I get the house to myself for MY various hobbies.

Nodnol I shouldn't have read it to my DP as he smoothly tried to lever it into the simultaneous debate we are having as to who gets to read our new scientist copy first ...hes threatening to sit next to me in silence for quality time while I read it...smartass

I'm confused. You're angry at him for doing his hobby in the middle of the night. But you won't let him do it in the day. So when else is he supposed to do it

If he wanted a promotion at work he would have gone and gotten one
You are embarrassed and disappointed by your husband and that's sad

Are you jealous of his passion and the fact it's not directed at you ?