Or am I overreacting?

[huha]

Will try not to drip feed.

DH and I emigrated 2 years ago. He went from working part time to full time Dad. I work full time and am the "bread winner".

DH recently announced he's homesick. This is a feeling I totally understand as when we lived in the UK I felt the same (I am not from the UK). He made it clear he doesn't want to go back, it's likely related to not having his friends and family and being at home with kids all day. I get it.

However this weekend we were away with friends. We had been on a wine tour all day, 2 of the 5 of us were unwell/hungover by evening and the other 2 of us were just tired from all day drinking. DH was drunk but not over the top. I went to bed early (8pm). The others went to bed around 10:45. DH decided he was bored and walked downtown to a bar (10min or so away).

I lost my shit. We were away together and he couldn't just go to bed, he HAD to go out and continue drinking with randoms because he was "bored and wanted people to talk to". I woke up at 1am, he wasn't there, I called him and lost it.

WIBU? Or should I have let it go/not gone to bed early?

Stop excusing your behaviour, which quite honestly is belittling and designed to hurt

Given that you’ve spent this entire thread belittling your husband (who, by the way, enables you to work all the hours that you do) it’s quite ironic that you’re so angry with Graphista who, as usual, makes a fair point.

OP I get that you’re both stressed and unhappy, but the bedtime thing is weird and comes off as controlling. Either you’re a team or you’re not, and getting irritated about him going out when you went to bed at 8pm is hypocritical, bringing the money into it isn’t fair, especially as if you hadn’t gone to bed you’d probably still have been out, spending the same money.

In the context of your posts, I can’t decide if it’s abusive control or not, but it’s certainly true that in your posts you seem to want control over what your husband does. And that’s not healthy, you say he’s unhappy and unfulfilled but what can change that?

As you know, from what you’ve written, being a SAHP in a new country is hard and isolating, can’t you see where he’s coming from a little bit?

YABU.

OP, people have been way too unkind here. Regardless of the rest of the facts, you probably had an insecure moment and fought with your DH. You realize that you were BU and almost precisely figured out why. Just leave it and make it up with DH and continue to live your life. Randoms on the internet will always bring you down. Just ignore.

Not only does wine knock you out, I also think it makes you abit of an aggressive cow

I feel really sorry for the guy here. No friends, no prospects and has to obey the bread winner at all times. I’m betting he’s only sticking it for his children.

OP I think you realise this one incident caused you to overreact because it brought to the fore all the issues and resentment you have to the fore

I think you pr current balance is unsustainable

OP you have a lot of anger and my advice is to resolve your general anger issues. Your DH did nothing wrong and you seem to blame him for your internal issues. My advice is to get some anger management training and hopefully everything will fall into place (not easily but they will)

OP the situation you have described in your last post sounds very stressful. I think that is why you flew off the handle. Working all those hours, not seeing your child and constantly worrying about money is going to take it's toll. Add in his drinking and your weaning yourself off antidepressants and I can see why tensions are running high.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and have a serious chat. Tell him you're sorry for flying off the handle the other night but you feel overwhelmed. Then tell him everything you said in your last post and ask him what his read on your current situation is. I bet he doesn't paint a rosy picture either; feels lonely, useless, unappreciated etc. Try to take about it without judgement.

With regards to the continuing to drink into the night I would not have been impressed either and might have snapped at him and hung up. My DP waddled home hours after going 'for one' after work a while ago and I felt like such a cliche sitting at home with his dinner in the oven. He was totally pissed and had fallen asleep on the train. But I realised very quickly I was not being fair giving out to him, he's entitled to some fun, it isnt a regular occurrence and just because I'm pregnant and wanna sit in that doesn't mean it's not boring for him. Unless your DH is doing this all the time I thinkyou should say sorry.

Definitely talk about the other stuff though.

If you want honesty you sound psycho. What has home sickness and your salary have to do with him going to a bar 10 minutes away. There's more to this I recon ? If there isn't more to this, you're definitely being unreasonable.

Actually, scrap that last message now I've read he full thread. I think you and your hubby have resentment issues... maybe a good talk about your life choices may help? It sounds like he's bored and needs a job.

YABU

I just wanted to say well done for coming off of antidepressants, it's not easy and certainly can affect things for a while.
Were you unreasonable? Yes, probably but you're only human. Everyone is wrong sometimes.
Was this abuse? Certainly not! And an insult to abuse victims to suggest otherwise.
I hope you and your husband get through this homesick phase too, it's not nice but there's always solutions or improvements possible.
Good luck

This is really bad and if a man had posted this about his wife the outcry would have been worse. When you get to the level you try to control another adult going out for a drink when they are bored, and "lose your shit" you're behaving appallingly and in a bad place

If you've other issues, deal with them, but what you did here was not ok, it was controlling, abusive and unacceptable.

NRTFT but how VU. He admitted he was homesick and you begrudged him nipping off for a pint ?? While you were in bed ?? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! Poor chap !

Could people perhaps READ THE FUCKING THREAD BEFORE COMMENTING? The OP has laid herself bare here and really does not deserve a kicking.

With the drip feed it is clear there is a lot more going on here.

OP has admitted she was BU about the bedtime incident and had overreacted.

I think you are both under a lot of pressure. Maybe a break that doesn't involve copious amounts of alcohol or other people would be beneficial? You need to be honest with each other about what you really want and take stock of your finances.

I am how the buy to lets aren't making money unless you overpaid for the properties or they are not in UK?

Try to think of this as a turning point. I agree with PP that you won't last much longer as a couple if you carry on as you are.

I think if a man had posted about working all those hours to support the family and pay off his wife’s debts when she refused to do anything he would be supported when it’s clearly pushing him to the edge

OP how does money work - particularly from what you term interestingly HIS buy to lets and the household split

Could people perhaps READ THE FUCKING THREAD BEFORE COMMENTING

You need to calm down.

We have read the thread. The opinion stays the same.

And quite frankly "laying herself bare"could very easily be the same as justifying her behaviour, none of us know. What we do know that is when someone behaves terribly, abusive and controlling, they then like to tell us a bit of a sob story to make us feel sorry for them and understand their behaviour.

So she's stressed, works too many hours, thinks her husband is an alcoholic, he won't get a job, they are short of money, ( yet go on vineyard tours and spend the day drinking) so she's lashing out at him. Then she needs to address the issues.

Bluntness there were clearly many posts after the OP’s latest post laying into her, from posters who had clearly not read her updates. It may not have included you.

OP, I think if you’d posted the stuff about him refusing to work and the debt, you might have had more support. It sounds like you’re going through a very stressful time and that coloured your reaction.

Also, who’s in charge of the rented out properties and do you actually see the income? What age are the children and would he be able to work around them? What’s his reasoning for not working? Is he doing the main bulk of cleaning, cooking, etc?

"Given that you’ve spent this entire thread belittling your husband (who, by the way, enables you to work all the hours that you do) it’s quite ironic that you’re so angry with Graphista who, as usual, makes a fair point." Thank you I thought so.

Withdrawing from AD's - are you doing this under medical supervision? Especially as you've been on them years I hope so. Withdrawing (depending on exact Med of course) can make someone more irritable/less rational than they usually are. I'm also wondering why you've come off them as you seem to be struggling without.

I'm the child of an alcoholic so I kinda get your concerns, especially if you've been involved with an alcoholic before. But recent increase of intake doesn't necessarily mean dependant, it may be more symptomatic of his frustrations.

You're not a bad mother simply because you work long hours, but it's natural for a child to turn to their primary carer when hurt/sick/stressed. Knowing the parents at school is no indicator either. Plenty of parents don't do the school run themselves.

How did dh incur the debt? Has he sought advice on paying it off? Getting interest frozen etc? Seems odd to own property that makes little profit while having debt elsewhere. Surely makes sense to sell the properties and use any profits to pay off debt?

"And quite frankly "laying herself bare"could very easily be the same as justifying her behaviour, none of us know. What we do know that is when someone behaves terribly, abusive and controlling, they then like to tell us a bit of a sob story to make us feel sorry for them and understand their behaviour." Agree with this also possibly being true.

Graphista I didn’t think you deserved the vitriol being thrown at you, so I said so.

I think you're maybe reading too much into him going out. He just wanted to enjoy his break. Everyone else went to bed and he didn't want to do that. He wanted to stay up and have some adult time away from the kids. Nothing wrong with that. My DH has occasionally done similar when we've been away.

Can't see anything abusive here.

I use to get really upset about our financial position after reducing my hours after dc3 was born.

My husband kept spending as if nothing had changed. I'd then get really shitty at little things like this op. Night out here with friends whilst I turned down invites to save money.

You need to get a plan together with your husband so youre both aware how money is spent. The relief I felt when I told spoke to my husband.

I actually agree with you I would have been really unimpressed if my husband acted like this. You have had a sociable day out with friends and after they have gone to bed at 11 he has gone out to drink more sounds like a drink problem to me.
I am the sahm in my family what my husband earns is family money I have full access to it and we both have nights out together and separately but I would feel disrespectful if I was drinking the hard earned money we need for other things.
I also don't see that he is enabling you to work 60 hour weeks as much as forcing you to through lack of financial sense.