Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or am I overreacting?

125 replies

huha · 26/06/2018 22:43

Will try not to drip feed.

DH and I emigrated 2 years ago. He went from working part time to full time Dad. I work full time and am the "bread winner".

DH recently announced he's homesick. This is a feeling I totally understand as when we lived in the UK I felt the same (I am not from the UK). He made it clear he doesn't want to go back, it's likely related to not having his friends and family and being at home with kids all day. I get it.

However this weekend we were away with friends. We had been on a wine tour all day, 2 of the 5 of us were unwell/hungover by evening and the other 2 of us were just tired from all day drinking. DH was drunk but not over the top. I went to bed early (8pm). The others went to bed around 10:45. DH decided he was bored and walked downtown to a bar (10min or so away).

I lost my shit. We were away together and he couldn't just go to bed, he HAD to go out and continue drinking with randoms because he was "bored and wanted people to talk to". I woke up at 1am, he wasn't there, I called him and lost it.

WIBU? Or should I have let it go/not gone to bed early?

OP posts:
DoJo · 26/06/2018 23:01

So you were angry that he went out to a bar instead of going to bed at either 8pm or 10.45? Because...? I really don't see the problem!

TokyoSushi · 26/06/2018 23:02

Or is this a reverse? You are the wife, your DH is the breadwinner and he was furious that you went out??

Otherwise I don't get it!

GrandTheftWalrus · 26/06/2018 23:03

My DP done similar when we were in London when I was pregnant. All the walking about tired me out and I fell asleep. He then went for a ciggy and went to the bar.

When I woke I just messaged him to see where he was and went and joined him.

Granted it was during the day. But why should he sit in the room having to be quiet while I'm sleeping?

TroubledLichen · 26/06/2018 23:03

Why is the bit about you being the breadwinner relevant? Unless it’s to insinuate that since you control the money you think you should also control his bedtime... He’s on holiday, he should be allowed to enjoy himself and not wanting to go to bed with you at 8pm is in no way unreasonable. Yes he should have sent you a text to let you he was still out so you didn’t wake up and worry but you massively overreacted. Do you have a problem with anger management as losing your shit is definitely not normal or justified under these circumstances?

jacko2205 · 26/06/2018 23:03

I'd be pissed, but perhaps for different personal reasons with my hubby (another day maybe).
I think there may be more to this story, perhaps underlying issues, just because of details in the back story like the emigrating and who works/doesnt work. Do you think perhaps it could be resentment from you maybe because you may feel you have to be responsible, i dont know? That wasnt saying you should feel like that, just feel theres maybe more to why you're annoyed? Xxxx

AppleKatie · 26/06/2018 23:04

I call reverse.

Women’s behaviour is policed far more than men’s.

For the record I don’t care which way round it is obviously the partner who went to the pub is entitled to do whatever he/she likes as long as no children were put at risk.

QuoadUltra · 26/06/2018 23:06

YABU. But also weird.

What is the bread winner stuff? And is there more to this story? And are you in South Africa?

HollowTalk · 26/06/2018 23:08

Yeah I think it's a reverse, too. She's gone off down the pub and he doesn't like it.

ShapelyBingoWing · 26/06/2018 23:11

I don't think that earning money makes you his mummy. I can't remember anyone bar my parents who've had expectations on the time I went to bed.

Jamboree05 · 26/06/2018 23:13

Bloody hell OP...

YABVVVVU

Lemoncordial · 26/06/2018 23:14

This has got to be a reverse.

Jamboree05 · 26/06/2018 23:14

In fact, I don't think you were being unreasonable.

I think you were being an absolute dick.

User467 · 26/06/2018 23:16

Sorry but YABU. He's an adult and perfectly entitled to take himself out if he wishes. I'd be very unimpressed if my oh thought he could tell me what I could or couldn't do

FluttershysCutieMarkTheHerald · 26/06/2018 23:22

I don't think it's a reverse but I think people saying it's a reverse have giving the OP an 'out' on this thread if it doesn't go the way she wants. I say that because I see no reason why someone would have to make this a reverse.

Original poster
huha · 26/06/2018 23:25

Not a reverse.

I think perhaps I was overthinking things and got defensive. I interpreted the behavior as "you don't make me happy so I'll go out with random strangers and drink more even though I've been drinking ALL DAY". It just pissed me off.

OP posts:
Boulshired · 26/06/2018 23:27

If I was away with my partner I would hope he was better at pacing himself than to go to bed at 8 when we were meant to be having time away together. You both have reasons to be annoyed but should have equaled out rather than you getting angry with him.

m0therofdragons · 26/06/2018 23:28

You went to bed at 8pm! My 10yo doesn't go to bed that early.

Last Saturday I had a rare night out with friends and got in at 4am. I love my husband and it's no reflection on our relationship, I like dancing with friends (dh hates clubs). If he lost his shit over that then our relationship would seriously be in trouble.

Ruffian · 26/06/2018 23:30

I've read it three times and still don't understand how you could think you are anything other than unreasonable. You chose to go to bed extremely early even though it's a chance for you to be together without the dc. That was your choice to make, his choice was to go and find some people to be with and enjoy himself for a change.

Very wrong of you to 'lose your shit' like that.

Thesearepearls · 26/06/2018 23:31

So your DH follows you to the arse end of nowhere so that you can pursue your career

Colour me envious but my DH did not do that when he had the option

So now you are kicking his head in because he went out for another drink

You sound absolutely horrid! I hope it's just the thread or something. You do know that you can get into a lot of trouble for domestic abuse?

Squidgee · 26/06/2018 23:32

If I were him I would be pissed off that you fucked off to bed at 8pm on a weekend away!

Dafspunk · 26/06/2018 23:33

You sound unhinged.

LauderSyme · 26/06/2018 23:34

not having his friends and family and being at home with kids all day. I get it
You don't though. Or at least not enough to try to be even a tiny bit understanding of why your other half fancied going off to a bar whilst everyone else was asleep. Why would you 'lose your shit' over this? You sound like an arsehole. A very unreasonable one.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 26/06/2018 23:37

You don’t get it. He’s homesick, probably feeling very isolated, at home with the kids. His wife fucks off to bed at 8 (how where you going to make him happy? You’re asleep...) then everyone else by 10.45. He doesn’t want to go to bed, he doesn’t want to feel quite so lonely so goes out to be with other people.

How do you not get this

LauderSyme · 26/06/2018 23:41

Cross post. Kudos for having the courage to analyse your behaviour there OP.

Original poster
huha · 26/06/2018 23:41

Oh geez. Now I'm abusive? Because I overreacted?

I'm not defending my reaction. Clearly I overreacted.

And for the record, no, I'm not controlling. He goes out regularly with his new mates and it's fine unless he doesn't come home without letting me know, which is rare. I went to bed early because wine knocks me and I was getting a migraine. There were 4 other people besides me and they didn't go to bed until 10:45, which is hardly early. Nevertheless, I overreacted.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread