Or am I overreacting?

[huha]

Will try not to drip feed.

DH and I emigrated 2 years ago. He went from working part time to full time Dad. I work full time and am the "bread winner".

DH recently announced he's homesick. This is a feeling I totally understand as when we lived in the UK I felt the same (I am not from the UK). He made it clear he doesn't want to go back, it's likely related to not having his friends and family and being at home with kids all day. I get it.

However this weekend we were away with friends. We had been on a wine tour all day, 2 of the 5 of us were unwell/hungover by evening and the other 2 of us were just tired from all day drinking. DH was drunk but not over the top. I went to bed early (8pm). The others went to bed around 10:45. DH decided he was bored and walked downtown to a bar (10min or so away).

I lost my shit. We were away together and he couldn't just go to bed, he HAD to go out and continue drinking with randoms because he was "bored and wanted people to talk to". I woke up at 1am, he wasn't there, I called him and lost it.

WIBU? Or should I have let it go/not gone to bed early?

...but why was it relevant to tell us that you're the "breadwinner"?

Sorry OP but I don't get it either, what did you want him to do, sit and watch you sleep thinking about all the bread that you win?

I would have been slightly pissed off if my oh had done this and not left a note or sent a text to let me know but only because he knows I wake up more if he's not in bed.

10.45pm is pretty early. On a normal night Dh and I go to bed about 11pm/11.30pm so I would expect a night with friends to go on until at least midnight

And you say “he couldn’t just go to bed”

Why couldn’t you stay up?

You over reacted yes, but you also treated him as a lesser half of the couple by demanding to be able to control him.

Do you think you have issues maybe with him staying home?

I don't understand how you could see it as you don't make me happy though. You were in bed so he couldn't spend time with you and as you were in bed asleep? how could you make him happy? unless you were awake and wanted a bit of "private" time with him.

Either way how was he supposed to know?

There is some degree of progression on this thread

OP started with WIBU?

We were all pretty unanimous in YABU

You have got to a place OP where criticism of your DH is normalised. Because what he did was entirely normal it's just you that wanted to duff him up

He sounds like a good bloke. If you go around duffing up the good blokes - what hope is there for you or any of us in fact

I think you should go home. There's a significant imbalance in your relationship. The very fact that you were behaving pretty monstrously and then posted AIBU is the clue.

I hope you will be kind to your DH

So it's OK for you to pass out at 8pm because you are pissed, but him wanting another drink, because he's still awake and perhaps less pissed than you, is wrong?

10:45 is early compared to 11?

Breadwinner just means I work a fucking lot. And we still don't have a lot of money leftover at the end of the month so pissing it away on going to a bar when we've been on a wine tour (and bought wine!!) all day makes me angry.

I don't mean happy in the sense of "sexually". I mean happy in the sense of "maybe he's homesick because I don't make him happy because I'm at work all the time". And when you add that thought to seeing him drinking heavily it's easy to put the two together and get five.

We hadn't been drinking since 5pm, we'd been drinking since 12. Normally I would not have gone to bed that early.

If you know that wine knocks you out and gives you a migraine why the heck would you choose a wine tour for your precious time away together?

The problem with this whole thing op, is that you posted a good few days after the event, querying whether you overreacted. How could you possibly possibly think that losing your shit with him because he wanted to do something different to you, puts him in the wrong? It's utterly nonsensical and is why posters are using words like abusive and controlling, because this isn't normal, and to dismiss it using a fairly vague word like overreaction isn't understanding how very wrong you were.

@ReanimatedSGB please don't assume he was less pissed. He was significantly more pissed than I was.

Op you are making this worse and worse

This is a clear case of domestic abuse TBH. How often does your husband make you angry by disobeying your instructions? When you are the BREADWINNER so naturally your word is law

Just listen to yourself and flip the genders on your thread. I bet you every single MNer would be leading a rousing chorus of LTB

Going home is NOT the solution at all. I've even discussed this option with DH and he's adamant that he doesn't want to go back. I've asked him if he wants to get a job so he can meet people, he doesn't. Please do not make assumptions about our relationship as you don't know us, you just know this one incident. And me posting days later actually has nothing to do with anything other than I haven't had time until now.

Did the money he spent at the bar stop you from being able to afford the basics for the week/month? If not then I still don't get it.

It's just with something like this that evokes a huge over-reaction, in the cold light of day (and even a few days on) it's odd that you didn't let it go at all. Because it just sounds like a non-event.

Do you think it's family money op, or your money? Honestly.

I agree with almost everyone else - why would you begrudge your husband going out when you were passed out in bed?

And I don't go to bed that early on a work night let alone on a night away - I think I would have definitely been tempted to do the same if evetyone had gone to bed by 10:45.

Losing your shit was definitely OTT.

Wtf! He tells you he's homesick & lonely. (I suspect repeatedly) Then he does something where he can socialise that doesn't negatively affect you at all but may well give him a boost - and you attack him for it??

Get a fucking grip!

Overthinking WHAT? There isn't even anything to overthink, why do you think it's even remotely acceptable to control what he does, where he goes, when and who with?! It is abusive behaviour.

You don't 'get it' at all what it's like for him, frankly if that's how he's feeling after 2 years I suspect you're not supporting him in settling in. I've been a trailing spouse, 6 months to a year feeling this way is relatively normal, 2 years is not and as I said suggests he isn't being supported.

Something you need to bear in mind - he's the primary carer of your DC. If you were to split (and I for one wouldn't blame him for leaving) chances are he'll get to be RP - in the uk. How would you feel then?

Ahhhh, he's spending what you see as your hard earned money on drinking without you to allay some of his loneliness from emigrating and adjusting to being a full time dad.

Breadwinner just means I work a fucking lot. And we still don't have a lot of money leftover at the end of the month so pissing it away on going to a bar when we've been on a wine tour (and bought wine!!) all day makes me angry.

So it's ok for you to spend money on a wine tour (and wine! Even though wine knocks you out and potentially prevents you from spending time with your husband and friends) but it's not ok for him to spend any in a bar when everyone else has gone to bed early?

Are you angry that he went out? That he didn't come to bed when the others did, even though presumably you'd have been well asleep by 10.45 even if he had? Or about the money? Because your OP suggests you wanted him to fall in line with everyone else, or, at best, that you were worried about him, but your follow up seems to be all about how he's spending money on things that you don't deem worthy, even though you acknowledge that he's having a hard time at the moment.

OP I think you are getting a tough ride on this thread. You had all been drinking most of the day. By 8pm you’d overdone it so called it a night, your friends less so, therefore they stayed up a bit later with your DH until around 11pm, at which point they’d had enough and also called it a night. Your DH decided he wanted to carry on, alone, after an all day session.

I can see why you think he should have called it a night after all day (and in his case, all night) boozing. But, if it’s not a regular occurrence, there are worse things 😁

Please do not make assumptions about our relationship as you don't know us, you just know this one incident

It doesn't work like that on AIBU. You just posted that one incident where you were behaving appallingly. You got handed your arse as you probably deserved and are now doing a massive backpedal.

You're probably right that we don't know the totality of your relationship. All we have is one incident - where you behaved badly and tried to blame your husband. I hope that this is just a storm in a teacup - we caught you on an offday etc etc

But if this is a microcosm of your relationship then not many people on this thread would blame your DH for leaving you. So let's get to the bottom of why you think your behaviour was reasonable - because that's the crux of the thread. Why did you behave like that OP?

There's such a thing as sole provider pressure. Do you feel that when the chips are down it's all down to you?

I think the bread winner thing is a red herring. Did he spoil your plans for the next day by being hungover and tired?

You still sound really angry about this. You seem to be surprised the majority didn't agree with you.