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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or am I overreacting?

125 replies

huha · 26/06/2018 22:43

Will try not to drip feed.

DH and I emigrated 2 years ago. He went from working part time to full time Dad. I work full time and am the "bread winner".

DH recently announced he's homesick. This is a feeling I totally understand as when we lived in the UK I felt the same (I am not from the UK). He made it clear he doesn't want to go back, it's likely related to not having his friends and family and being at home with kids all day. I get it.

However this weekend we were away with friends. We had been on a wine tour all day, 2 of the 5 of us were unwell/hungover by evening and the other 2 of us were just tired from all day drinking. DH was drunk but not over the top. I went to bed early (8pm). The others went to bed around 10:45. DH decided he was bored and walked downtown to a bar (10min or so away).

I lost my shit. We were away together and he couldn't just go to bed, he HAD to go out and continue drinking with randoms because he was "bored and wanted people to talk to". I woke up at 1am, he wasn't there, I called him and lost it.

WIBU? Or should I have let it go/not gone to bed early?

OP posts:
CoughLaughFart · 27/06/2018 00:19

you don't make me happy so I'll go out with random strangers and drink more even though I've been drinking ALL DAY".

To be honest it sounds like you’re throwing a strop because he didn’t behave how you wanted him to behave. Why is it important that he’d been drinking ‘all day’? It sounds to me like you think because you’re THE BREADWINNER, you can do as you damn well please and sod everyone else.

edwinbear · 27/06/2018 00:22

This is a clear case of domestic abuse

FFS OP is annoyed her DH carried on drinking when they had all clearly had enough to drink. You are belittling domestic abuse if you think this is it.

Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 27/06/2018 00:26

You must have pretty mild magranes to knowly drink wine knowing it sets one off like that. All people I know with migraines including myself do everything to avoid the triggers as the pain is just not worth it

LeighaJ · 27/06/2018 00:28

If you went to bed at 8 pm on a weekend away I can't see how you can blame him for not wanting the evening to end if he wasn't tired.

I think you'd be unreasonable to not apologise to him for your major overreaction.

edwinbear · 27/06/2018 00:31

Leigh the evening didn’t end at 8pm for her DH, she went to bed early because she felt unwell. Her DH sat up with their mates until 11pm.

edwinbear · 27/06/2018 00:34

They’d been drinking since 12noon. That’s 11 hours of boozing. On the ‘is DH drinking too much threads’ OP would get a resounding ‘YANBU’

LauderSyme · 27/06/2018 00:36

And me posting days later actually has nothing to do with anything other than I haven't had time until now
As HarrietKettle said, it does have something to do with something. Because in those few days you might well have thought about what happened and thought better of your reaction. But you didn't.
I'm afraid defensiveness may be one of your less appealing character traits, if this thread is any indication...

Aus84 · 27/06/2018 00:46

YABU and controlling.

Original poster
huha · 27/06/2018 05:33

*Op you are making this worse and worse

This is a clear case of domestic abuse TBH.*

I'm not making anything worse and worse. You throwing around silly allegations are. Please look up the definition of domestic abuse. It's far far more serious than getting mad at your husband for going out drinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
huha · 27/06/2018 05:35

You must have pretty mild magranes to knowly drink wine knowing it sets one off like that.

Only you are I are different people, aren't we? And wine isn't a trigger for every single person who gets migraines, is it? Wine doesn't normally trigger my migraines. We did a wine tour in a different part of the country last year and I did not have a migraine.

OP posts:
Original poster
huha · 27/06/2018 05:38

You don't 'get it' at all what it's like for him, frankly if that's how he's feeling after 2 years I suspect you're not supporting him in settling in. I've been a trailing spouse, 6 months to a year feeling this way is relatively normal, 2 years is not and as I said suggests he isn't being supported.

More inaccuracies.
I also lived abroad for 14 years. I had periods of feeling home sick that entire time.
My DH is not a trailing spouse as you've assumed. He wanted this as much as I did, and has set up his own company here, just isn't doing anything with it at the moment.
But thanks for the gaslight.

OP posts:
Original poster
huha · 27/06/2018 05:40

But if this is a microcosm of your relationship then not many people on this thread would blame your DH for leaving you. So let's get to the bottom of why you think your behaviour was reasonable - because that's the crux of the thread. Why did you behave like that OP?

I love when posters continue to attack even after the OP agrees that they WBU.
Where did I say I think it was reasonable? I asked in the OP because I was second guessing myself. Without the abuse and name calling I've had here, the majority has said I was unreasonable. I have accepted that.
I would answer your question if I thought it was genuine and not another guise to further insult and belittle me.

OP posts:
Shumpalumpa · 27/06/2018 05:50

Breadwinner just means I work a fucking lot. And we still don't have a lot of money leftover at the end of the month so pissing it away on going to a bar when we've been on a wine tour (and bought wine!!) all day makes me angry.

I don't think you were angry because of the money, it would have been in your OP if that was the reason.

There may be some other reasons. Is he a good SAHD? Does he take care of DC needs and household stuff when he is at home? You say he is doing nothing with his business. Is he generally lazy or is from a feeling of apathy?

Original poster
huha · 27/06/2018 05:59

There may be some other reasons.

I'm sure there are 1000. Not all related directly to him. He isn't the only one who emigrated, I am not in my home country either. I also have never worked full time while my kids have been young until now (the past 2 years). That's just the tip of the iceberg really.

OP posts:
Graphista · 27/06/2018 06:01

Responses are based on what YOU posted.

I have seen nothing you've posted that suggests otherwise than you acted unreasonably, have apologised to him, and are unsupportive of the spouse who supported you in a move to another country so that you can follow your chosen career (the very definition of a trailing spouse).

Did he really want to go?

And how the FUCK did I gaslight you?! Confused

Graphista · 27/06/2018 06:02

*haven't apologised to him

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/06/2018 06:02

Were you concerned that him being out would affect your day today? If so, yes, that would piss me off. If my dh did this, I would be pissed off too because he’d probably not come back hours and hours after 1am if the bars weren’t closed. I would also appreciate a text as a heads up that he was going out.

Sending a text and ensuring the next day was not ruined would be acting the most fairly imo.

Shumpalumpa · 27/06/2018 06:04

If you don't talk about the reasons OP, you will continue to be told YABU here.

Are you generally happy in the marriage?

Original poster
huha · 27/06/2018 06:07

@Graphista
I don't answer to you. And you don't need to know what I do and don't do. Stop excusing your behaviour, which quite honestly is belittling and designed to hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
huha · 27/06/2018 06:09

Are you generally happy in the marriage?

Yes. We have our ups and downs as most couples do but we are able to talk about it and make a plan to change it.

If I discuss the potential reasons I overreacted I will be accused of drip feeding. If I don't, I will continue to be called names. It's a lose lose really for me so perhaps time to bow out.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 27/06/2018 06:10

Are you going to answer the questions op from posters like me or Shumpa or continue to be angry with those, who’ve posted comments you don’t like?

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/06/2018 06:11

Cross post. No you won’t. You’ve decided how everyone will react. We are not a hive mind.

Shumpalumpa · 27/06/2018 06:17

People will listen, OP, if you open up.

Or you may want to start a new thread in Relationships.

Mummyoflittledragon is a regular on MN and gives great advice.

Original poster
huha · 27/06/2018 06:22

Cross post. No you won’t. You’ve decided how everyone will react. We are not a hive mind.

😂
I've read too many AIBU threads to know exactly how this will go.

Why?

  1. I'm worried he's using alcohol (a depressant) to cope. I think that due to previous days of heavy drinking last week since he announced he was feeling homesick. Alcohol dependency = inability to look after kids, his job. It also makes problems worse. I know because I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
  1. I'm about 5-6 weeks off my antidepressants. I've been on them for years and I'm told the withdrawal does strange things. Don't know if that plays a role here but who knows.
  1. I am a bad mother. I work 60+ hours a week. Parents at school don't know who I am. My 3yo cries when daddy leaves. If DH is drinking to cope, then I am also a bad wife. And then we go down that rabbit hole which is so fun to be in.
  1. I am stressed about money. How we are going to get thru the summer as I am off one of my jobs as it's term time only? DH refuses to get a job. He's a hopeless entrepreneur. We have no college savings. No retirement fund, just properties we rent out and pay interest only mortgage on. Even though we (DH) have these properties, there is apparently little to no income. DH has a shit ton of debt in the UK. He's paying it off but I blame DH for being irresponsible in this respect.

Is that enough for you? Was that a large enough drip feed?

OP posts:
FuckPants · 27/06/2018 06:32

You don't sound very nice OP, you sound like a bit of a twat tbh.

Why is it a problem that your husband went out? You were in bed at 8pm FFS!

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