To want to marry a man even though I am gay

[strawberryplants]

I just want to be normal so much.

Sending hugs, you sound very upset. Can you join a local lgbt group or similar to try to broaden your horizons. Would you consider donor sperm and single parenthood?

As for wanting to be normal, imo normal doesn't exist. We are all our own version of normal iyswim x

So this is payback? Men have oppressed women, men hurt and abuse women so it doesn't matter if a man is collateral damage?

And numbers matter? How? Are you suggesting that the pain of those men who become foils is not something to worry about since there are probably not that many out there?

Yes, numbers do matter, very much, when you are working out the probability that someone is speaking literally. And, honestly? I think you knew what I meant.

Sometimes, people espouse stupid ideas in order to be gently talked out of it and imo, this is one of those times. I have reread and read the OP's posts, and you are not going to trigger a road to Damascus moment with a quote.

*I know a lot of people think (and possibly for some this is true) that meeting a woman is going to be exactly the same as meeting a man - bars, online dating and so on.

For me, it isn’t. I tend to fall for women slowly. The physical attraction is secondary to the emotional*

I'm in the same situation- but straight. I don't "meet" men, I have slow relationships that sometimes turn into more than friendship.

OP your issues aren't strictly related to your sexuality.

On the issue of wanting to child I can understand your concerns. However many straight women can't carry their own child, or adopt for other reasons. You could marry a man then find out you cannot conceive naturally so please stop thinking that a man will solve your problems.

OP you have my greatest sympathy, but I think you're a little muddled up on what your actual problem is

You haven't spent much time on forums where gay married men discuss their wives, have you?

No, Math. No, I haven't.

And if you don't mind my saying, I don't think it's particularly healthy for you to be doing that either.

I'm sure it's not easy being Gay and there is all the prejudice people have mentioned, but building a relationship and a family are not always straightforward for straight women either, especially over 35.
My best mate is single at 40 and looking at donor sperm. Other friends who were in "normal " marriages are now divorced or separating. Finding the right someone is needle in a haystack territory even in hetero romances.
And I'm sorry but I think Math and Bear are right to spell out why "just getting married" would be such a dreadful thing to do, or even consider.
I know someone in the situation of "hypothetical husband" and you cannot imagine the pain of that kind of deceit.
Yes being a lesbian has its challenges but it doesn't give you special dispensation to act like your sadness or angst is ALL that matters. Everybody hurts.

Op perhaps you should also remember

There is no such thing as normal!

I agree with a PP. Your issues arent sexuality related. I too am Demi sexual. Met my partner at work. It took a year before I realized I'd fallen for her. What you describe is normal, and not just a lesbian thing. As is being concerned about children and conception.

Its true OP that there's no way of knowing whether you'd have a family, etc by now if you weren't gay. And I agree with PPs that a lot of the issues are not about being gay.

However, the pool of gay women is smaller, and I think that aside from the lucky people who've randomly run into their partner, the rest of us have to make an effort to meet other lesbians to maximise our chances of finding someone we like enough to settle down with (I have dated a LOT of unsuitable people..).

A lot of my lesbian friends are coupled up, but 1) that gives me hope that being gay doesn't preclude a happy relationship and 2) at the risk of sounding like Mrs Bennett, it throws me into the path of their lesbian friends, and their lesbian friends and so on.

TBH, I get the feeling I'm going to die alone because I'm too fussy and idealistic rather than because I'm gay. Yay...

Having seen what DHs cousin went through maths posts accurately describe why getting married to a man when you know you are a lesbian is just awful.

DHs cousin whose DH ran off with a man has 3DC. The eldest has serious MH issues and the younger 2 have moderate issues. I think it's something you can't really imagine how devastating it is until you see it happen. Meanwhile he is celebrated for being 'honest' about his sexuality.

I hate who and what I am.

THAT is what you need to concentrate on and work on.

Until you are capable of accepting yourself for who and what you are, you are very unlikely to make healthy and sound relationship choices. And it is possible or even likely that others will pick up on the self-loathing and desperation and need - all rather unattractive traits.

Whether you end up with a man, a woman or a magical unicorn, don't seek somebody else to make you happy - YOU need to make yourself happy and then you can try to add happiness to somebody else's life.

Mathanxiety thank you so very much for taking the time to message me. It really helps to hear I am not unreasonable in my suffering when everyone else is busy congratulating him on being "brave". I wish I could figure out how to reply to you! Thank you again, it is so comforting to know that I am not alone.

Dharma he isn’t “brave” at all he’s a coward hiding behind his sexuality to excuse being a selfish prick. He’s a coward for dragging you into his lies unwittingly, no doubt making you question so much. But know everything you question about yourself is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Any politically correct pseudo liberal cheering him on are just as bad, would they be the same if he’d left for another woman. You will get through this, look to a future where you won’t be tied down, where it’s about you and your needs, unhindered by someone who thinks it’s all about him. if it helps look for counselling. Really hope you’re ok. Remember you’re the brave one!

If you're on a PC, you can click on the 'message poster' tab on the line where you see a poster's name and the time and date of a post.

You will see this to the right of the name/time/date -
'Add message | Report | Message poster'

Not sure about phone PMing, and I hardly ever use my iPad so can't remember offhand how to PM using that.

LonginesPrime Fri 29-Jun-18 08:37:15
Mathanxiety ^You haven't spent much time on forums where gay married men discuss their wives, have you?

LP No, Math. No, I haven't.

And if you don't mind my saying, I don't think it's particularly healthy for you to be doing that either.

Do you think I did that for my own amusement, LonginesPines?

I had to find out for myself - because the idea he was gay beggared belief, frankly; I mean what sort of person would do what he had done - what my exH had been up to online. So I followed a trail of usernames and passwords that I unearthed, and it led me into some places whose existence I would never have suspected. Grim, sordid, squalid places.

There are some things no amount of brain bleach will ever erase. But by finding those places and seeing with my own eyes I was able to form what I believe is an accurate conclusion as to who exactly this stranger was that I found myself married to.

And in the context of the gaslighting and vitriol I was subjected to, the wasted emotional energy going round and round in circles trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me to make my husband so angry and so unhappy and so contemptuous of me, that was exactly what I needed.

It's true what they say - the truth will set you free.

Auto-corrected to Pines, should be Prime.

strawberryplants Fri 29-Jun-18 07:36:38

Yes, I know that you are. It isn’t helping me, it isn’t helping anything, but you carry on. Because after all, no one else ever has been deceived in a relationship. Ever!

I am proffering a massive amount of help, only you refuse to see it.

I am doing it because my hope for you is that as the future unfolds you will remain a person who is able to look at yourself in a mirror without flinching. Don't discount the value of that.

Be very careful what you wish for.

JamieVardys
Yes, numbers do matter, very much, when you are working out the probability that someone is speaking literally.
They absolutely do not matter.

Because very obviously (to people familiar with the territory) many women have taken this thought and run with it, and you have no idea how many have had it and dismissed it.

I tend to look at what someone actually posts too, and to consider what they might have posted instead, given appeals to consider the other person who would be the other half of any relationship. This thread has been remarkably bleak from the pov of empathy, and remarkably focused from the pov of what the OP wants, or thinks she wants.

Sometimes, people espouse stupid ideas in order to be gently talked out of it and imo, this is one of those times. I have reread and read the OP's posts, and you are not going to trigger a road to Damascus moment with a quote.
A road to Damascus moment on the part of the OP? Where there is life there is hope. But I agree, it's a forlorn hope.

You have a bit of growing up to do op. I hope you don't hurt anyone on your journey, including yourself.

I have given up on trying to get anything useful from this thread tbh.

Do you consider 'Please don't do it' not useful?

Math, I have actually asked MN to remove this thread because of you.

You actually have had me in tears because I feel ironically I can’t be honest about my feelings. Not my actions, my feelings.

You have made the thread about you and tbh I don’t mind if you need support. But so do I. And you have ruined it.

Just leave it. It’s not helpful, no, because I was never going to, in part because I’m 37 and have never had a relationship anyway. And prob never will. But hey, back to you.

strawberry I understand it's painful but where math was coming from was to graphically share the devastation that would happen if you married a man knowing you are gay and hiding that from him.

I really feel for you and I posted to share my uncles experience of struggling to cope with the same issue. Seeing where this has gone, please do go speak to someone in RL who is professionally trained to help you with these issues. It's very common and lots of the LGBTQ charities offer help at little or no cost.

I don’t think I’m ever going to be honest again.

I will bury my feelings like I always have and carry on.

Strawberry, I'm bisexual and now married to a man so can't understand completely how you're feeling at the moment. But you do have my sympathy, you're struggling terribly at the moment and that isn't being helped by some posters on this thread.

Before meeting my husband I had relationships with women and I can't say I met any of them online. Getting out there is scary but if you could attend some local groups geared towards the gay community, attending with the goal of making friends. You may not only have more luck finding a partner but you may find that you become more comfortable with your sexuality and future and gain a good support network in the process. How is your current support? Family and friends?

Your life may be different from where you imagined it would be because you're gay. But different isn't always bad. Having children seems like it is something important to you, so why wait to find a partner to explore it? You said earlier that you wanted to carry and feed a baby. Being a single parent isn't easy, but neither is coparenting. I did both with newborns (I was a single parent when I had my eldest and was that way for 3 years, my husband and I were together when I had my second) and they both have upsides and downsides. It may not be something that you want to do and that is absolutely fine and completely understandable. But I promise there are more than the obvious answers to explore.

I don’t have any family and friends are nice but none of them know. In any case they wouldn’t support with a child so I couldn’t really afford it. Catch 22 Anyway, sorry.