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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get married on SIL-to-be’s birthday?

112 replies

newmumwithquestions · 26/06/2018 16:07

Just that.
We want a summer wedding. But outside school holidays as guests will have to stay somewhere and it’ll make it more expensive to do it in summer holidays. DP doesn’t want to get married in hayfever season. Then there’s 1 date we have to avoid for a different reason.
Leaves us SILs birthday. Is that bad form?

OP posts:
ikeepaforkinmypurse · 26/06/2018 18:03

People are not dismissing her feelings they are saying if she genuinely cares she must be a little bit self involved

so basically they are completely dismissing her feelings!

She might not care, I wouldn't care myself and would not schedule my future birthdays around an anniversary!, but point blank ignoring her is a bit rude. The poor woman hasn't chosen the date of her birthday, and it's not a coming up as a surprise. Someone is making the very conscious choice of ignoring it. Some of the comments are mean.

Fruitcorner123 · 26/06/2018 18:08

Ok then but sometimes people feel things that are unreasonable. We can't always take everyone's feelings into account. What if the SILs feelings would be hurt if she wasn't bridesmaid or if she wasn't allowed to make a speech. If she genuinely felt aggrieved by this she would be unreasonable so if that was the case then yes her feelings should be dismissed.

I am glad people I know in real life aren't so precious about their birthdays. I totally get why you want to celebrate, I don't get why it matters if you celebrate a day early or a day late one year.

Fruitcorner123 · 26/06/2018 18:10

BoneyBackJefferson a wedding is a once in a lifetime(usually) thing a birthday is a yearly occurrence so wedding trumps birthday. Anniversary is only for the couple really and the OP has said she has never celebrated her SILs birthday with her.

LynetteScavo · 26/06/2018 18:11

I'd actually quite like to go to my brothers wedding on my birthday.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 26/06/2018 18:14

We can't always take everyone's feelings into account.

you sound lovely Hmm

We are not talking about 1 year, but about birthday forever clashing with anniversary. It's not uncommon for people to have a traditional family gathering on their birthday, or to relay on their parents to babysit whilst they go away as a couple.

I am glad people around me are less selfish, and much keener on birthdays, who doesn't like a good party.

Alconleigh · 26/06/2018 18:56

No one cares about other people's anniversaries, and most anniversaries are only for the couple to celebrate, until you get to some big numbers, so I can't see how it would over shadow her birthday every year, just the one of the actual wedding. I'd be fine with it.

Oxfordblue · 26/06/2018 19:04

I suspect the people that say 'yes it's fine' & are 'pleased to have a card, have happy b'day sung' etc are lying!

ILoveDolly · 26/06/2018 19:08

I would be delighted to attend a wedding on my birthday

FlirtyRomanticToast · 26/06/2018 19:09

Yes, I also suspect that people who claim to hold an opinion that differs from mine are lying. For, em, shits and giggles?

BewareOfDragons · 26/06/2018 19:39

Um, no. I seriously wouldn't mind if someone got married on my birthday or anniversary. Why on earth would I? And why would I lie about it if I would mind?

sola82 · 26/06/2018 19:40

My MIL got married on my 30th. I just celebrated it a different day.
It depends on the family I think. My ILs like to have a family meal on all their bdays so if DH and I had got married on one of their bdays it could have caused an issue. I'm not likely to see my MIL on my bday so it hasn't effected me.

Kool4katz · 26/06/2018 19:41

I'm shocked that grown adults past their mid-twenties actually make such a fuss of birthdays other than the bigger ones like 40 or 50 or 60 etc.

I had a party for my 40th as DH organised it but nothing for 50th. We stayed home and I opened a few cards and presents. I might like a night out for 60 perhaps? I certainly wouldn't be upset if an in-law chose the same date to get married. To make an issue of it is frankly bonkers and pretty selfish of the birthday person.

Amanduh · 26/06/2018 19:44

Hmm wouldn’t bother me at all.. BUT I could see some people thinking ‘they can have their wedding on any day of the year and they chose my birthday!’ Maybe just ask her as PP have said

Amanduh · 26/06/2018 19:45

Oh and yes depends on how she/the family celebrate and see birthdays

wtftodo · 26/06/2018 19:47

My sister in law got married on my 30th. It was honestly no big deal. I had only been with my partner 18momths and I think the date was already set (they live / married overseas) but in any case, it was no problem. And it has been no problem sharing the anniversary with them?! It’s not like I join in their romantic dinner

Crunchymum · 26/06/2018 19:49

It's fine. She will celebrate one birthday with you (unless you expect her round to mark every single wedding anniversary)

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/06/2018 20:11

Fruitcorner123

But to ignore someones birthday and put your own day first is entirely selfish, whether its a once in a life time thing or not.

that is the irony of your statement.

NotARegularPenguin · 26/06/2018 20:16

Wouldn’t bother me.

My dad got married on my wedding anniversary. Don’t think he realised but it didn’t bother me. Guess at least dh didn’t have to take me out for a meal that year! Grin

Aragog · 26/06/2018 20:20

Oxfordblue- why would I be lying. I am usually at work in my birthday. A wedding would be more fun than working I'd imagine. And I really don't do much for my birthdays either, regardless of what number it is. Maybe me, dh and dd go out for a meal in the evening - but we'd just switch the date and go out another day if I really felt like it.

Even big number birthdays aren't something I want to be making a fuss about for myself. I had OFSTED on my last 'big' birthday - I'd definitely prefer a wedding than that!!

So no, I'm not lying. So long as get to spend time with dh and dd on my birthday I'm fine. And it's also lovely to get messages from my family and closest friends too. So, a wedding wouldn't interfere with that.

DuchyDuke · 26/06/2018 20:21

Best thing to do is get married on your DP’s birthday so he never forgets the anniversary Wink

CaseStudyResearch · 26/06/2018 20:24

We ended up having to get legally married on DFIL’s birthday last year - we had a tiny legal ceremony with immediate family only, so we got him a cake and sang Happy Birhtday instead of having a wedding cake.

This year we did the big ceremony bit just after his birthday - he flew halfway across the world on his actual birthday to have a holiday with us.

We’ve said next year we will travel anywhere in the world to celebrate with him Grin

For the average adult, birthdays aren’t a big deal, so as long as she hasn’t booked to go away etc, I can’t see anyone having an issue.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 26/06/2018 20:25

To make an issue of it is frankly bonkers and pretty selfish of the birthday person.
again, oh the irony!

You might not care about your own birthday, you don't have to. Others like to make a big deal of the day and enjoy themselves. I don't want to wait every 10 years to celebrate my birthday.

I like parties, cakes, presents and making a fuss of people. We celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, random anniversaries, have yearly gathering at home for set celebrations, and my families and friends are the same. To me, sitting down at home and opening a couple of cards sounds depressing. If I follow the logic of some posters, my feelings are the only valid ones, so I am right!

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 26/06/2018 20:37

Bloody hell I can't imagine anyone beyond the age of about 10 caring about this. Most people don't have a huge family gathering for every anniversary surely? Most adults don't have to be the centre of attention for the entire day on their birthday either (nor indeed do they have to celebrate it on the exact date of their birthday).

bridgetosomewhere · 26/06/2018 20:50

We got married on my step dads birthday. We sang happy birthday to him during the speeches and he stood up and said I’d like to thank everyone for coming to my birthday party and for making such an effort to dress up so nicely!

Was funny

tinytoucan · 26/06/2018 22:12

I did! But I didn’t actually know it was her birthday (I have never met her and DH is no contact with her). I only found out when MIL told me. We did invite her but received no response. Had we have been in touch i’d have asked her what she thought, like I would if it was my sibling’s birthday. Some people would be bothered by this I think, but most people probably not.