Would you expect this?

[LittleMe03]

Have just read these and cannot say I agree... so AIBU? What would you expect?

IMO...

My DSS age 12 CAN use the washing machine as we have shown him how. However, we do not expect him to do this often.
Do not yet ask him to iron clothes. Do not think he should.
He helps with meals but would not expect him to plan and prepare one alone.
The next one on the list.... yes he can read and know what products etc are safe/unsafe and what they are used for.
Basic hand tools?? Like what?
Never ask him to mow the lawn although he helps in the garden and does know how.
And yes he stays alone occasionally but not for long.

I think the majority of this is absolutely ridiculous thou...

If you dont start to learn stuff at 12 or 13, or 15, then when?

We probably started helping seriously around the house at 16. I moved out at 18 for uni and was absolutely capable of doing everything.

apart from the ironing…. I despise ironing, so DH will have to teach that

Not saying that mine do the other tasks though! Just that they would be capable except the oven.

Fair enough, each to their own... but our 12 year old will continue to act like a child.

When does that stop? He won't just magically know how to do things for himself at 18, nor will he have the motivation to do anything for himself if you've done it for him his whole life.

It doesn't hurt children to have responsibilities and chores. It does the opposite.

Just seems wierd to think that a 12 year old should still be a child though?
You aren't bringing up children, you are bringing up adults

I have heard it all now.

It's weird (not wierd BTW) to think that a 12 yo should be a child?? They are a child FFS!!!!

You're being a prat, OP.

*When does that stop? He won't just magically know how to do things for himself at 18, nor will he have the motivation to do anything for himself if you've done it for him his whole life.

It doesn't hurt children to have responsibilities and chores. It does the opposite.*

Please read my PP before commenting!

having had to teach a 16 year old boy how to use a breadknife on a residential trip, and explain to my uni flatmate (the one that ended up with vitamin deficiencies midway through the second term) that you cant boil an egg in a microwave, Im a big fan of kids learning basic skills early

nor will he have the motivation to do anything for himself if you've done it for him his whole life

Anecdotally I found the opposite. Those people I lived with who had HAD to do major chores around the house stopped because there was no longer anyone to make them.

i couldnt do any of the first list well read instructions but admittedly we were spoilt

didnt do us much good though

I don't know what broiling is. I'm 51. I'm a failure

You're being a prat, OP.

Yes because I don't expect my 12 YO SS to iron his own clothes and mow the lawn

Also, I've never mowed a lawn. Ever. I really am a failure.

I learnt to iron at 8. I practically begged my mum to teach me and loved doing it cause I felt so grown up. It was fine at this age and she taught me how to be careful.

(Bloody hate it now though!)

Not sure you quite understood what I meant littleme
of course they are a child at 12, physically and mentally
but they will not remain a child

all teaching them skills like this is doing is allowing them to learn from you, supported to gain confidence and become capable teens and adults

Looks like a good guide. My 3 and 4 year old know to clear their plate into the compost bin and put the plate in the dishwasher. They help me hang washing and make them bread. I don’t view those things as drudgery, it’s everyone doing their bit, and what’s more, they like to help. I babysat my younger siblings at 12.
Each to their own.

The thing is that kids don't just get to a birthday and start doing stuff the next day. It happens organically and one day they do stuff that they didn't yesterday. Not to a timetable or a list of what and when MN believes they should. But it just happens. I. 90% of cases anyway. We are a just chugging along as families doing what we think is right and eventually we all get to the same place in the end.

Even dd (8) can do some things on this list
*use the washing machine
*she can put pillows in pillow cases but can't change her whole bed, but then again neither can I (I'm not tall enough and she has a cabin bed against the wall, it's a ball ache. So her dad does that.

• she can make a good egg and bacon pie (jus rol pastry) and I do the oven bit. *she goes into our local Tesco express on her own to get bits. I stand at the door watching her.

She also has a great time being a child too.

My DSS age 12 CAN use the washing machine as we have shown him how. However, we do not expect him to do this often.
Do not yet ask him to iron clothes. Do not think he should.
He helps with meals but would not expect him to plan and prepare one alone.
The next one on the list.... yes he can read and know what products etc are safe/unsafe and what they are used for.
Basic hand tools?? Like what?* *
Never ask him to mow the lawn although he helps in the garden and does know how.
And yes he stays alone occasionally but not for long.*

From my OP!

Clearly he isn't an incapable 12 YO who cannot do anything for himself.

However, at 12, he should enjoy his childhood. Go out with friends, play football, relax, play computer games, get dirty.

Well I have tonight washed his school clothes and dried them and will iron them in the morning.

He has done his homework, showered and listened to music and relaxed for an hour before bed.

This must be shocking for most of you!

Oh but he did nip to the shop and get some things I asked him to after school for tea...

I paid thou? Is that ok!?

Where do these lists come from and what's the context?

I think that sounds pretty normal.

I dont think anyone is saying he shouldnt enjoy his childhood, helping at home clearly doesnt preclude relaxing, football etc in any way. But there is an attitudinal thing that lots of other posters have referred to about 'everyone doing their bit' and these tasks just being part of normal life/growing up

Your list of things he can do kind of proves that your AIBU is a bit ridiculous: you are teaching him skills etc, just different ones from the list/at a different pace/at a speed that suits you and him
If you had said 'surely this list seems a bit prescriptive?' then the replies might have been a bit different

Op obviously what you're doing is working for you. Stop worrying about justifying it. Or explaining it. Or getting snitty about it. Trust your own instincts about what's right for you and your family. We all get there in the end through different paths.