To say no to paying DH maintenance bill.

[ivechangedmyusername]

Name changed but been here since before Mexican House thief and the small Korean lady in the Garden ..

DH has 4 dcs. (2 over 18 who now live with us/at Uni
I have 3. (2 over 18)

He paid £1500 a month in CM for 6yrs (as this covered the mortgage and was the divorce agreement. CMS was £918 so more than the minimum by quite a way. ) when ex remarried house was sold and ex retained 80% of the equity in exchange for no pension sharing. (Her share of the equity was £318k). She moved into her new (similarly wealthy , childless, ) husbands house. No mortgage. We know this because she tried (and failed) to move overseas with the dcs and part of the court process was full disclosure of their joint financial situation to prove they could afford to support the move.

My DH has been quite unwell mentally. He suffered from quite extreme stress from his job which whilst highly paid is equally highly stressful and performance based. We have evaluated our lives and decided that we would rather earn less and live longer - and have some more time for each other now the kids are older. He has taken unpaid leave from work which means he hasn't sought a new contract. He hasn't earned for 2 months whilst very unwell and has now decided to retrain in a completely different craft based field that will pay a quarter of what we he was previously earning.

Now to the AIBU . DH has emailed (the only way they can communicate even after a decade without a full scale screaming row. ) and told his ex what is happening and that CM will reduce in August to £325 per month. She has said that this is unacceptable and that his children 'still exist' and he needs to pay for them. He has told her that this is how it is going to be and that his maintenance payments should have reduced years ago when the eldest got to 18 but he didn't do that because he could afford not to. Now he needs to look after his health and this is what he can afford. CMS rate.
I have received an email from her today, the first time in a decade that she has spoken to me, telling me ;
' as you and my ex-husband have made a joint decision on this lifestyle choice, I think it only morally right that I look to you to make up the shortfall in maintenance.'. It is not my children's fault that their father is having some kind of midlife crisis and wants to go and commune with nature. He has children , they are not an optional financial obligation'. As you are supporting this plan, then it is only fair that you pay the shortfall in my children's finances in order to keep them in the lifestyle they are used to'.

For full disclosure, ex wife has not worked since eldest was born. (22yrs ago).
I have worked full time in a profession since 22 and only had a 3 month break after my first and 6 months for both subsequent babies.
My ex and I get on really well and he also pays me £500 pm in CMS for my only child now at home.
Husbands new job will not have a massive impact on our lifestyle except for the better (more time at home) .
AIBU so say no, I'm not paying what you perceive to be a shortfall and sod off and get a job. ?

Oh, I can see that being a big blow to her ego! She's obviously very shallow, and someone who thinks that because she's beautiful, any man would fall at her feet. She doesn't understand that beauty is more than skin deep, and can't understand that someone she perceives to be below her, could be so desirable.

In that case he seems genuinely ill so I would do whatever the solicitors say, not MN. Eg if there is a court order saying he must pay X and he wants to reduce it to Y then I believe the process is you apply to court to reduce it. If instead there was no order and he has just been paying it without any court order then I believe the law is he can just give her some notice and then reduce it and if she wants to object if there is a child under 18 she can apply to the CMS. Actually i cannot quite work out who lives where. So two of the children he had with her live with you two so they are out of the equation - they will be like my university sons who are now home for 3 months and away at university in term time and what they are paid depends on the generocity of parents (although the student child may have a right in English law to apply to the non resident parent - their mother for the 2 who live with you - for some funding I think, not that she earns anything;) Then your husband has 2 other children - are those the 2 who live with you two? I presume at least one is one he had with his ex and may be under 18 but I might be wrong. Anyway either way she seems pretty lazy and should get a job if there are jobs in her area.

On the moral side I don't know why men tolerate these trophy wives even for a day. I've worked without a break even for babies since 1983 full time (tok about 2 - 4 weeks of annual leave for the first 3 babies) and back taking work calls the day after I had the twins who just went to university last year (I was working for myself by then) but I have often come across these non working trophy wives. I wouldn't want to be one either.
The problem for the child and all children is you get used to what you have always had so a sudden change can be hard.

I just read the first post Again "DH has 4 dcs. (2 over 18 who now live with us/at Uni. I have 3. (2 over 18)"

The set up is 2 of my dsc are resident with us. One at Uni and one working. 2 dsc live with ex.
I have 3 one under 18 . One at Uni and one working whohas her own place.
Court order didn't mention Uni. Only the level of cms to be paid whilst she was still 'single' and in the marital home to cover the mortgage and the equity split after the sale.
Cm due after that to be paid as per cms until children reached 18. However he never reduced it even when they came to live with us.
He has paid £17k in excess. (Worked that out last night)
We pay for his one at Uni. My ex tops up mine and I send pocket money . We jointly cover costs for all living with us . Working dsc pays a nominal rent which we bank. (To return when they move into their own place as a budgeting tool for them).
She should have received substantially lower Cm based on us having two of his and me having 3 at Home at the time. He paid well over the odds.
Now it is 'as it should be'. Ex is railing against this because she is used to stamping her feet and DH always dancing to her tune because at the time he could afford it and didn't want the younger ones in the cross fire if she didn't get her way.
They are now of an age to move to us if they do choose - and if as I suspect she either demands this or 'holds them hostage' from contact from their father as a bargaining tool.
Only this time they are older enough to vote with their feet and DH will not be in the same financial position to 'keep the peace' with his wallet. Being poorer will force him into growing a backbone.

I hope her current DP jacks her in for a superior model and leaves her with nothing. She sounds like an utterly vacuous waste of oxygen and actively damages the fight for female equality. Take her to the cleaners. Good luck OP!

In that case he seems genuinely ill so I would do whatever the solicitors say, not MN.

@Xenia OP didn't post on MN to ask if her DH should reduce his CM. She posted to ask if she should have to top up the shortfall, as the ex wife thinks she should.

Any response from the CF/ex yet, OP?

Yes. I have had a very very long and vitriolic reply. That involved such fabulously, fictitious rewriting of history as to be utterly breathtaking.
This involved (in the same paragraph) accusations of me ripping a devout and loving father from the arms of his devoted wife and family .. whilst at the same time being a useless waste of space that she was glad to be shot of.
The reality was that DH worked away as a contractor and send the money home. He paid for a nanny because she said (not unreasonably) that 4 kids under 10 was too much on her own.
The nanny became the primary carer and she started enjoying a very 'active private life'. It was at this time that she met her now DH although denied anything was going on.
Ex DH would come home weekends to be told that he was not 'needed' as he 'upset the children's routine' . In reality- she had found a much better meal ticket and was just making sure he was solid. Meanwhile she needed her current husbands salary to maintain her lifestyle, keep the nanny and enjoy life.

7 months down that road I met DH. We knew within 2 days that it was going to be a love affair. However I was still living in the same house as my separated DH as we were and still are friends. I needed to speak to him about moving out. This took six weeks and yes we did kiss before he left her. When he left the shit hit the fan. She didn't shed a tear but sent over 400 texts in a two week period ALL about money.
He never once withheld money. She had access to a credit card paid by him - for two years after he left. He paid the mortgage and all costs (put on the credit card) ..
she turned up at the first mediation meeting with her new boyfriend and proceeded to play the scorned wife. Which she does to this day.
I won't engage. DH feels racked with guilt and gives in to her although he knows the reality. She told the world and his wife that her husband 'ran off' with a 'fat whore'.
So today's email rewrites the entire episode . Now well over a decade old, about how happily married she was, how they had agreed and planned a particular lifestyle. How she had imagined the best for her children. How we have turned them all against her.
How we ruined any chance of happiness when we challenged and won her application to move the children abroad to an ex-pat lifestyle. (Nice that, bet her current DH would be thrilled to know that even paying through the nose doesn't make her happy !)

And then of course the Pièce de résistance .. how fat and ugly I am and the only way I can keep a man is to go out to work all day and pay for him !
(He has earned 3 x my salary for 10 yrs ! )

I genuinely feel sorry for her sad and shallow life. I have a DH who loves me to the moon and back. 7 children who I adore and adore me back. So I don't have hair like Claudia Sheiffer .. or play tennis well.
I'll live.

You OP, are absolutely fecking awesome.

The ex wife is long overdue her reality check.

I’m genuinely hoping her fucking head explodes. It’s bone-idle, vacuous bitches like this that help perpetuate the idea of shrewish ex-wives. Good for you, OP.

Hahaha you rock, OP! Good for you.

She sounds like a total nut-job (and a money-grabbing one at that).

She should write fiction!!

I’d perhaps tell her that she could make up the shortfall by selling her fictional writing.

She sounds digusting. You shouldn’t give her a penny of your money anyway, but the fact that she’s such a nasty piece of work is even more reason to give her fuck all. Why should you go out and work to subsidise someone like that? Nasty bitch.

*disgusting

I’d so be tempted to respond, ‘thank you for your email which I received just as i was setting up a payment plan to you. However due to your vile accusations and insults I’ve changed my mind’. 😂

Prolly best to ignore her tho.

I agree the ex wife sounds thoroughly vile. But I can also see why it would come as a shock that the father of your children has chosen to earn less and therefore pay less without consultation.

It is not dissimilar to the men who decide not to work and therefore not contribute.

(That’s all in general though - In this particular case the ex wife can do one).

OMG what a cheeky freaking bitch she is. Just when I think the cheeky has hit its limit, then there's a nanny on top of it. 🤣

Oh my. I have no words.

Except that it’s nice she’s finally getting told “no” for the first time in her life!

That's some nice rewriting of history she's done there!! Good work op

I wouldn't contact her. I would copy in her DP though, with a postscript of "hello mate, although I have no particular feelings toward you, no one likes to see someone stroking a rattlesnake in the belief it's harmless".

Scottish she (ex -w) has six months notice and has received £17k more than "due" over the past few years. I think that should cushion any "shock"

She most definitely isn’t using all that money for their (grown!) children together, she is using it to find her personal lifestyle.

Exactly. That maintenance is supposed to fund the children, not her. I doubt the kids see much of it anyway.

Awesome last post, OP.
She sounds a right piece of work.

This is my last post. I truly don't want to give her any more head space. She is now threatening a lawyer. The children have all said they will walk if she goes to court again. We will no longer engage in anyway. It simply feeds the dragon.

Any lawyer with sense will tell her not to waste money OTOH enough unscrupulous lawyers around will take it on and waste £kks .
Bring it on.
Thanks everyone for making me see what I already knew but just needed reassurance. You are all MN stars.