he just announced he doesn't want anymore children?

[FiveForTen]

Not really AIBU because I think my response is a pretty normal one. I'm due baby number 1 in November. We always talked about having two children, it was always the general consensus, so we could raise them together and they'd not be lonely or longing for another to play with evenings and weekends. DP has a daughter who is with us 6 nights a month (3 nights every other week) and one evening every other week after school.

He's just announced randomly that 1 more is enough and he doesn't want anymore after this one... I'm in shock! It's the first time he's ever said this, and to tell me before this baby is even born came as a massive surprise. I feel sad, that this will be my only pregnancy ever, it's made me feel really low and I feel a bit trapped.

How can I cope with this internally? I feel like it's ruining my pregnancy and my feelings towards DP.

[Thesearepearls]

Oh don't worry OP

I can sympathise. When we had DD I was absolutely adamant that I didn't want any more children. In fairness to me I had had 3 miscarriages and 2 ectopics before having DD. I didn't want any more operations or faffing around. I absolutely did not want a second.

With some degree of (commendable) patience DH talked me round. Then we had DS first shot.

I always now refer to DS as DH's best idea. And he has been the absolute best of children.

Your DH can be talked round. I am pretty impervious to most forms of suggestions that don't feel right for me. But I came around to it and I am sure that your DH will too - just give it time and patience and most of all let him fall in love with his daughter when she is born. It casts a whole new perspective

[Stripyhoglets1]

DH and I always talked about having two but as soon as I was pregnant and until my first was 2.5 I was "Never again!". I did change my mind and we now have 2 but he should talk to you about it and his reasons and ultimately it is your decision to leave if you still feel the same down the line. Try and enjoy the rest if your pregnancy and baby though if you can - but he's not been fair to spring this on you like this.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I agree with Fizzy. His choice is his choice but the way he’s gone about it and the timing is pretty shit. I like what she’s said and I think you should say something similar to him and not wait until after the baby is born. This should be a wonderful and happy time. I can imagine that talk about a pregnancy, which is still someway off as the last ever and no further discussion allowed would be rather upsetting. I’m getting quite angry for you.

[Housecoatdiva]

Hi Op
Maybe just get through this pregnancy and enjoy your first child for a while before worrying needlessly about no 2?

[greendale17]

I think its really unfair and selfish that hes just decided this without having a conversation with you first.

^Yet if this was a woman saying one is enough and then complaining her husband is pressurising her to have another one everyone would saying how selfish he is!

[FiveForTen]

@greendale17 why do people always turn this on it's head and create a made up scenario? DP is a man, he has said he doesn't want any more, and this is the advice people have given me. Whether people would give different advice had it been vice versa is completely irrelevant.

[SurfingGiantess]

I would ask him again what made him change his mind as you just need a reason to come to terms with it. It's not fair to just make that decision for the both of you.
I'm currently expecting baby number 3 and also due in Nov 😀 we were finished but both changed our minds.
Anyway, I think when discussing this again you should both seriously think about on a scale of 1 to 10 how much it means to him NOT to have another one. And how much it means to you to have another one. 10 meaning you absolutely couldn't live with that decision and it would break you/him.
We did it and it came out he didn't mind he was just worried about me whereas I did find I wanted to experience it all one last time before I'm too old 😀 in my eyes.

[JudIII]

It's relevant because people are quicker to telll a man he shouldn't put pressure on woman's reproductive decisions but a woman can be equally selfish when it comes to a man's right to stop having kids when he's ready. It's not fair really. You should respect his decision and be grateful that you're having a healthy child.

If you want to ask him for more information on why he's changed, that's fair but it's not fair for you to expect him to pump out children he's doesn't just want to satisfy your vision of a future that might not out how you imagine.

You haven't even had this child yet, you don't know how will affect your life and relationship. It sounds like you're hung up on fantasies of the future without focusing in what actually happening in the here and now. Try and enjoy your pregnancy for what it is now, a great blessing.

[FiveForTen]

t's not fair for you to expect him to pump out children he's doesn't just want to satisfy your vision of a future that might not out how you imagine.

But where am I asking him to do that? I asked with help re how to cope. Not once have I mentioned convincing him otherwise..

[busybarbara]

This is very easy to resolve. You will not win with logic but instead need to lean on his hormones. To prevent any possible pregnancies you need to institute a sex ban, eventually he will cave in it worked on my husband back in the day

[FiveForTen]

@busybarbara what?

[onceisawabee]

🤔 ^ you can not be serious

[Trills]

The only reasonable number of children that someone can agree to is "one more than we have right now" or "no more than we have right now".

That includes you.

Wait and see how you feel before making any decisions.

[Spaghettihead1]

My partner did exactly the same to me OP.
Before ttc we had the discussion - I was an only child. He grew up with 3 siblings. I didn’t want to have an only child. If we were to get pregnant, we were going to have 2 children. He had a Dc(10) from a previous relationship who he sees regular.
He agreed and we became pregnant with dc1.
3years down the line when it came to ttc again, he confessed he didn’t want anymore (dc1 was and is very easy and amazing). He felt he was getting to old to have number 3.
I sat on it for a few weeks figuring out my feelings about it before bringing it up again.
I said that I felt like he’d deceived me and how much it hurt and upset me.
A few weeks later he said he’d confided in a good friend of ours (who was same age and trying for 3rdDc) I was pleased he’d talked to someone.
They had told him that he would always be a dad now that he had kids. So why would one more matter?
Dc2 is now 18months and he adores her.
Good luck Op.

[user1457017537]

Maybe he is just a bit worried and stressed.

[FiveForTen]

I just think, although he is entitled to his own thoughts and feelings, he should at least have the courtesy to talk to me about why. Not just 'because' as this makes me feel like he duped me a little. There must be a reason.

[LeahJack]

Honestly, the stuff people come out with on here.

I can understand that it would be very disappointing, but at the same time, everybody has a right to make their own reproductive choices and change their mind however many times they want.

As for people who are suggesting you should leave him over this, have you thought how your DC1 would feel if you ever had to explain to them that you broke up their family because you cared more about a hypothetical child and new partner more than you cared about what was best for them? How would that DC feel about seeing their younger sibling with their DF and DM every day while they had to shuttle around and didn’t have their parents together because you had prioritised creating the other child over the impact on them?

Plus there is absolutely no guarantee you’ll even find someone else or have another child. If your relationship is otherwise happy I think it would be incredibly foolish to throw it away on a gamble.

Plus, saying to him I’m leaving you if you don’t want another baby is emotional blackmail. It would also be unfair on any future child and risk creating a home full of toxic resentment.

[FiveForTen]

Can I just state that I'm not trying, or planning on trying to convince him otherwise, blackmail him, deprive him of sex (weird suggestion) as I have much more respect for my DP than this. I just wanted advice on how I can prevent this from ruining my current pregnancy and how I can deal with it sensibly, as I'm finding it hard to accept.

[JudIII]

You deal with it by being grateful for what you have, not everyone gets to have any children.

If you ask him why he changed his mind and are prepared to listen and understand (without immediately putting your own feelings into the equation), then you might receive a deeper and more genuine answer.

[SparklyMagpie]

I see @busybarbara is busy being a tit as usual

[H0meadayearly]

If he doesn't wish to have more children he should have a vasectomy. However, I know that people change over time

[user1486915549]

I think to be happier in your current pregnancy you need , at least , to have some sort of reason from him for this sudden change of mind.
Is he feeling stressed by your current pregnancy and feels he doesn’t want to go through it again ?
Has he realised he will have 2 children , so doesn’t want a third ?
Please enjoy this pregnancy x
You can make major decisions later.

[SugarIsAmazing]

My partner has two children with his ex wife (who buggered off and left him as a single dad) and a daughter with his ex partner. His ex partner wanted more children but he didn't so he got a vasectomy.
I, personally, am pleased he had a vasectomy but she sure wasn't!

[SlackerMum1]

I think what people are trying to say OP is it’s not about accepting or not accepting it right now. It’s a moot point, you are pregnant with no.1 and there is a long way to go before you can even start to ttc no.2. When and if the time comes that you want to ttc no.2 that’s the time to cross this bridge. It’s not naive to have a plan for how you want and hope your life will turn out, but you really have no idea right now how you will feel after dc1 let alone your DH. He may just be having a oh shit moment and be back on board quickly. He may not. You may have an easy time and a chilled out baby. You may not. You may take to motherhood like a duck to water and want 6 more. You may not. All you can do right now is focus on the pregnancy and dc you have got and revisit this discussion in due course. Doesnt stop you right now telling him that you haven’t changed your mind and still very much want to keep dc2 on the table but the time to talk is in a year or so time.

[keyboardkate]

Enjoy your pregnancy, enjoy welcoming your new little one.

Things can be discussed afterwards. Please don't let it spoil your experience of pregnancy and birth and bonding.

But I can imagine you are feeling a bit meh at the moment.

Time heals, and let it be for the moment anyway for you and your baby's sake.