he just announced he doesn't want anymore children?

[FiveForTen]

Not really AIBU because I think my response is a pretty normal one. I'm due baby number 1 in November. We always talked about having two children, it was always the general consensus, so we could raise them together and they'd not be lonely or longing for another to play with evenings and weekends. DP has a daughter who is with us 6 nights a month (3 nights every other week) and one evening every other week after school.

He's just announced randomly that 1 more is enough and he doesn't want anymore after this one... I'm in shock! It's the first time he's ever said this, and to tell me before this baby is even born came as a massive surprise. I feel sad, that this will be my only pregnancy ever, it's made me feel really low and I feel a bit trapped.

How can I cope with this internally? I feel like it's ruining my pregnancy and my feelings towards DP.

[onceisawabee]

^ how spiteful.

OP said he doesn't want more children, not that he doesn't want to be a father to the current one.

[busybarbara]

Is the plan for the baby to have his surname? If so, change that plan.

And don't list him on the birth certificate either if he don't really want to be a father

[ferrier]

As others have said, it's not so much that he's changed his mind, it's that he drops it on you at a hugely vulnerable time and he thinks he gets to unilaterally decide. Both of which are not good signs at all.

So I agree with Fizzy - he's opened the can of worms and you're not going to be able to deal with it until you've got some sort of closure on it. That will involve a discussion. If he has got an ounce of respect and compassion he will willingly have that discussion.

[dancinfeet]

I was in this situation, Ex H said that he didn't want any more after we had our first daughter. When I fell pregnant with second (contraception fail) he blamed me and said that he felt trapped and that he never wanted any children. It was then I knew our marriage was over. I waited until my second DD was 16 months old, and until I felt strong enough to manage a young child, a toddler and a business and then I left him.

[DashingRed]

He should at least have the decency to explain why. He owes you that much.

He can't just drop a bombshell like that and then go mute.

Realistically, that's the only way you're going to be able to move forward from this. So, have a think about how you want to broach this subject with him, but make it clear that he owes you an explanation 'just because' is not good enough.

[Motoko]

It's a bad sign that he's done this to you. Not that he's changed his mind, but that he's told you while you're pregnant and hormonal, and refuses to discuss his reasons.

That's a pretty nasty thing to do, and I think shows you that he's not the man you thought he was.

No wonder you feel shit.

[Penguin34]

I've always wanted 2, he wants 1 (well, he would have been ok with 0)
But I married him, not his sperm so 1 we shall have.. in sept.

What if you would have had this one and changed your mind? It does happen.

[LeahJack]

Six miscarriages is probably a big part of the reason! That must have been absolutely horrendous for both of you and I can understand not wanting to go through it again.

[givemesteel]

I think by saying what he's said he's opened pandora's box and it would be very hard for the op to now just 'give it a few months until the baby arrives' etc. For her it's a life changing thing to come out with.

I think it depends on how old you are / how old he is / how long you've been together.

Why aren't you married? I'm not saying you're not committed to each other but you don't want to waste your fertile years with someone who you may split from eventually anyway.

For me I'd find it pretty unforgivable that he's brought this up now when you're pregnant rather than waiting until say 6 weeks after the birth. It's very selfish, even if he does have a burning desire jot to have another kid the kind thing to do would be to keep that to himself until you're not feeling so vulnerable and emotional.

[Rachie1973]

People DO change their minds obviously. But lots don't. I always knew I'd never just have one child. It would be a deal breaker for me.

I would be discussing it after baby is born.

[hayli]

Thats a really shitty thing to do. To tell you this whilst pregnant! even if he has made up his mind he should of really thought of this before you both decided to try for atleast two. And bloody wait till he has had this baby see how life is than talk about his wish not to have another!
For now though enjoy ur pregnancy and concentrate on ur happinees for the little one to come. But definitley let him know what a rude prick he is for saying this now.

[FizzyGreenWater]

This may seem like a tangent but it's not, really.

DP, yes? Is the plan for the baby to have his surname?

If so, change that plan.

Someone who drops a bomb like this, totally disregarding joint decisions you have made and refusing to even discuss this potentially very distressing thing with you - well, that's not a great sign.

You might not split over this.
You might well have another child anyway and this is his quite selfish little strop, where he offloads his nervousness about new fatherhood onto you and watches you get upset instead.

But... who knows. And... you're not married. And 'He's away for months at a time so majority of care falls on to me anyway.'

Righty-ho. But he still thinks it's just fine to make his announcement and then that is it, the man has spoken.

Give this baby your surname. At the very least, double-barrel it.

[upsydaisysister]

Enjoy baby no.1! It's a shock now but time changes everything.
I'm also one of four and always wanted three or four children myself.
DH only wanted two. He is one of two.
I'm now expecting no.2 and am ready to stop. I don't enjoy pregnancy and I'm genuinely worried about sharing my love, time etc for two. I never ever thought I'd feel like this.

[Badwifey]

Sorry.. like unsaid i haven't read all the posts. You need to leave him for a while. He's probably trying to cone to terms with it himself. Discuss it after you have had your baby when the pressure is off.

I had a an awful pregnancy. Then I had pnd alongside a child who would not sleep. For me it was a no brainer for me but I had to explain all this to my Dh. Luckily he understood.

[FiveForTen]

Won't discuss

[FiveForTen]

@Badwifey I've never insinuated that he isn't allowed to change his mind. My issue is that he ring discuss the reason for it or try to help me understand why he's changed his stance on this so drastically. I'm aware that I can have children with someone else, but that's not what this thread is about. I actually do accept that I may not have any more children, I just wanted advice on how to come to terms with that.

I haven't done anything to make DP feel shit about his decision.

[Badwifey]

I've only read a few replies. People are entitled to change their minds on things. It's unfortunate and his timing is shit. Yes he may change his mind but pressuring him won't help.

It was me who changed my mind and stopped after one in my relationship. My Dh has never once made me feel shit about my decision. Yes he is disappointed but he accepts that it my life and my decision.

He is more than welcome to have children with someone else... as are you....

[Thesearepearls]

Hey OP :)

I posted below about my own reaction to having more kids after having so many problems about having DC1

Trust me, absolutely trust me in this. Your reactions and your DH's reactions will change so much once you have DC1.

I told you about how resolute I was in not having DC2 mainly because I was so flipping fed up of all the medical hoo hah

Once I'd had DC2 I desperately wanted DC3 and it was everyone else holding me back

Your DH is just a bit traumatised with all the medical hoo hah if I am reading him right. I might be wrong but you might be wrong too. Just enjoy your pregnancy and enjoy having your much longed for child

[Cyantist]

I agree that if you've had several miscarriages, this could well be part of the reason and he maybe feels firstly you should just be grateful for the one child you're having now (if it seemed at one pint you were unlikely to have one), and is also a bit worried about trying for a second and potentially having more miscarriages?

We always wanted more than one, and now we have one after years of trying we aren't so bothered about having a second as we'd kind of resigned ourselves to never having any.

Also how were you during pregnancy? I was a nightmare (I had an awful pregnancy) and I'm not sure hubby wants either of us to go through again that in a hurry.

[Snappedandfarted2018]

Tbh op having three which would be the case as he already has a dd is a stretch I know as I’m a mom of three. Holidays cost more, family tickets to plays plus childcare which can affect both your earning ability.

[WhiteWalkerWife]

The miscarriages could be a big reason. After i miscarried, dh did everything to sabotage ttc and later admitted he was terrified of seeing me go through that again. It is possible they have taken a toll on him too.

I would speak to him to get his reasoning and be honest with how you feel back. Whoever wants to stop having dc does get the end decision in the matter for themselves. Equally, their partner can leave and look to find someone else to have more with.

[MrsMuddlePluck]

He may be afraid of being responsible for the children. It's quite daunting for a man. He may also be scared for your health. If you miscarried several times he may be frightened for you. Give him a break + try not to fret until baby arrives.

[AJPTaylor]

now is not the time to get caught up in a debate or worry about it. have baby no.1 enjoy it. revisit the topic in 2 years. seriously dont worry your life away.

[DiscoDown]

STBXH did this. We talked about it before having DD, and he said as he was an only child he'd like us to have 2 or 3, I said I'd like 2 but see about number 3. At some point he changed his mind but didn't tell me, so first he put off trying for a second for a couple of years, then when we did try it was really half hearted - we'd rarely dtd and if we did it was never during ovulation. This was all my fault; I was putting him under pressure, I annoyed him so he didn't want to dtd etc. Eventually I talked to him and he was like "well, we're alright as we are, aren't we?". I don't think it's so much he changed his mind as the fact he made me jump through hoops by dangling it as a carrot when it was never going to happen. We're splitting now for other reasons, but it didn't help things. I'm too old to have another now, even if I met someone else. Anyway, the point of this rather meandering self pity fest is you need to let him know how you feel - it might not change anything but at least it's all out in the open.

[Redgreencoverplant]

He has the right to change his mind but he should tell you why he has changed his mind. It is unfair to announce it and then just leave it with no explanation. I always wanted three DC but once DS was born and had colic and reflux I changed my mind to one. Thankfully DH had done too but we were always completely open with each other about it.