he just announced he doesn't want anymore children?

[FiveForTen]

Not really AIBU because I think my response is a pretty normal one. I'm due baby number 1 in November. We always talked about having two children, it was always the general consensus, so we could raise them together and they'd not be lonely or longing for another to play with evenings and weekends. DP has a daughter who is with us 6 nights a month (3 nights every other week) and one evening every other week after school.

He's just announced randomly that 1 more is enough and he doesn't want anymore after this one... I'm in shock! It's the first time he's ever said this, and to tell me before this baby is even born came as a massive surprise. I feel sad, that this will be my only pregnancy ever, it's made me feel really low and I feel a bit trapped.

How can I cope with this internally? I feel like it's ruining my pregnancy and my feelings towards DP.

[FiveForTen]

@HidingFromDD I don't want to risk sounding naive but I really don't think I will. I hope he will, but I can't guarantee it. It's stopping me from enjoying my pregnancy. I feel really shit about the whole thing.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

It's really unfair to have this conversation while you are pregnant. What happened with the mum of his first?

[FiveForTen]

@MrsTerryPratchett the mum of his first is a whole other story that's not really relevant to this. He is in the RAF so away a lot, and she was sleeping with his friend behind his back. Lovely woman! As I said, not really relevant.

[KMoKMo]

If you discussed it in that much detail that is really out of order him. As a Pp said he may just be fearful of what’s to come - he has done it before - and the newborn days are tough. My 5 month old is still waking every 3 hours to feed and it’s slowly killing me. You don’t know what the future holds so try not to let it distress you too much at this point so close to welcoming your baby

[LaurenFromLondon]

I know it's hard but don't overthink this, you need to have this baby and see how things go.

If he's still saying he doesn't want more, and you do, then you have the option of leaving him or just be happy with one child. The choice is yours, but enjoy your pregnancy and have the baby first.

[BarbarianMum]

It's a bit unilateral but ultimately it is ok to change your mind and decide you don't want any more kids at any point prior to their conception (and even after it in some circumstances). Why not wait until thids baby is born and the dust has settled and see how you feel then?

People on Mumsnet put a lot of stock on what a couple first agree re kids but people can and do change their minds as life progresses.

[Extravagant]

Just enjoy this one, for the time being. You wouldn’t be trying for another for 18 months by the sounds of it, and a lot can happen in that time.

[FiveForTen]

@BarbarianMum I completely understand this and I respect that this is what he wants. It's hard to believe however that his opinion has changed in 3 months and that he really thought it appropriate to drop it on me half way through my pregnancy. That's the rubbish bit! At least I can appreciate it a bit more as I know I might not experience it again but I've found myself clinging to every kick and every symptom as I know I might not ever get to do it again. I'm emotional anyway, but this has tipped me over a little.

[onceisawabee]

People change their minds 🤷‍♀️
I would wait until your baby has arrived and this have settled and have another talk about baby no2

[YearOfYouRemember]

He said he wanted two and he is having two. Could you have assumed he meant two with you?

I wanted five kids. We have three and then dh had the snip. I'm still sad. Life is about adapting though.

[FiveForTen]

@YearOfYouRemember no because he said he wanted two within two years of each other and his DSD is nearly 7.

[Lostalldirection]

Don't let it spoil your pregnancy. Regardless of whether you and DH want another baby after this one, you should concentrate on this pregnancy, enjoy this experience as much as you can. You may find once baby is here you change your mind about wanting another one. I know several mums who have wanted two or three until number one has arrived and the reality of how much hard work it can be hits home and they change their minds. Your DH might change his mind in a year or two and decide he wants another.

[Lostalldirection]

Btw I have a 3 year old and a 20 month old (17 months between them) and it was REALLY hard work for the first year. It is doable, obviously, but such a small age gap would be really really hard work if your DH is often away.

[FizzyGreenWater]

I think you have to speak to him about it - you can't 'let the dust settle' and tiptoe around him if it's gonig to mean you being totally upset through the latter part of your pregnancy. Not on, especially as you had discussed all this and he's backtracked.

Sit him down and first tell him what a horrible thing he's done by saying this right now and how you are now being made to feel about your pregnancy. He may not really have thought of how it would make you feel re the being pregnant now.

Then something along the lines of:

'If you are going to be this blunt with me and backtrack without being prepared to discuss it with me further then I owe it to you to be clear too. We discussed two: I doubt very much whether I will be happy to just have one baby. It's absolutely your right to change your mind but you need to realise that that doesn't mean that you get to decide for me, and a unilateral decision like this will definitely put our relationship at risk. I suggest you at least have enough regard for me to discuss why you have changed your mind, the fact you drop this on me then refuse to discuss it is also a big red flag for whether our relationship lasts'

[Bibesia]

Wrong thread, sorry!

[FiveForTen]

@Bibesia I was trying to work out who had generalised about my age hah! No worries.

[hididdlyhoneighborino]

You're only pregnant with no.1 don't worry about it, time and children especially changes people

[FiveForTen]

@hididdlyhoneighborino of course, but doesn't mean he will want another. He's done it before and knows what it entails. He's away for months at a time so majority of care falls on to me anyway.

[DragonMummy1418]

I wouldn't stress too much over this right now, both DH and I have been back and forth about having another child and were set in our minds each time we changed it. 🙈 Now expecting our second. 😊

[LuluJakey1]

I said the same when I was pregnant with DS. DH said it after DS was born. We were adamant. We had DD just over 2 years later and are contemplating another one.
I would let him get on with it at the minute. He has no idea how he will feel when the baby is born. You might change your mind yet.

[FiveForTen]

I'm one of 4 and think I just imagined my child growing up with a close sibling. DSD will be no less of a sibling of course but she's only here every other weekend (even when DP isn't here)

[kateandme]

i know it easy to say and not do but try and not dwell on this because as you've said it impacting on your current one.and that will only then cause more harm and pain if you aren't able to spend this time loving and bonding every kick and moment as your little one grows inside.
do you think you can live with him and have a future with him if he continues to say no to more children?could you voice with him about the fact you do want more and so what does this man for the both of you moving forward.
is anything likely to change in the coming months.because if not then you need to really really just focus on you and the little one.and make that the best it can be.if you don't and allow this to ruminate insdie of you youll live with more regrets.
this child is precious and maybe more so now then isn't she/he.
in the future worst comes to worse he doesn't change.it is then you will have to be really brave and think whether you can handle that or walk away to someone who does want more.but that's very much a future talk and you cant predict it.
but right now its about keeping you and your dc safe and well and happy.you can still be really happy with now because there is still time for minds to change.or if not its still going to be time before you need to make decisions from that.
I know its painful.but you hurting yourself more thinking about it over and over.
if you can Id re have this conversation and voice as you have to us your worries,pain and hurt.he needs to hear that so he can think on what his partner is going through.

[gillybeanz]

Maybe he's concerned about time together as a family, if you already have 2 children to consider, he might be thinking you don't have time for another. Both working ft and raising 2 dc is enough, maybe he just couldn't manage 3.

[hididdlyhoneighborino]

He may well not change his mind but that's something you need to respect, as hard as it is. It may mean one day that it becomes the end of you or whatever, but that's future you's problem. It's not like you can turn back now, you're pregnant to him already so just try to enjoy your pregnancy and cross the bridge if/when it comes to it.