To be upset with the constant praise DP gets?

[Chocolateismyvice]

My DP is a wonderful man. He's patient, kind, hard working and caring. He's a very hands on father to our 15 month old, and helps around the house.

Everyone always raves about how fantastic he is. Most of the men in my family who are dad's are good but have always taken a step back, so in comparison, my DP is excellent.

Certain relatives keep harping on about great DP is and the sun basically shines out of his arse. He works 8.30-5.30 (home by 6). He baths DS 5 nights a week and puts him to bed, helps around the house, does drop offs to my mum a couple of days a week and has DS one day on the weekend when I'm in work.

What is grating on me though is the same people do say I'm a good mum but keep on and on about how wonderful DP and almost dismiss me and my contribution.

I work 3 days a week (7-2), I do most the 'proper' cleaning, most of the cooking, meal planning and shopping, take DS out to park/library/play group/etc. Now it works well, as I'm home more so can clean while DS is napping as I don't want to be cleaning at 9pm, we all eat as soon as DP gets in because of DS and I'm home in afternoons so do most of the cooking, DP cooks on a Saturday and alternative Sunday. I love cooking so don't mind doing most of it. I also bath DS twice a week and DP will do dishes, tidy, flick the hoover around,, etc. All in all, theres a good balance, we both chip and work as a team.

Yet, a lot of my relatives and DPs parents don't shut up about how wonderful he is and how much he does. And "DP is home soon/off the weekend so you'll get a nice break" I just feel like screaming, no I don't. I do the jobs I can't do with a very busy and active toddler, or I work at the weekend so no, I don't have a break. We both chip in around the house and with DS.

AIBU to be get annoyed at the constant praise DP receives just because he's a man whilst my efforts to be forgotten because I'm a woman/mother and it's expected?

Don't get me wrong, yes he is a lovely person and I'm lucky to have him but he's also lucky to have me (to be fair, he says it often) and we BOTH work fucking hard. I'm probably being sensitive but it's really getting to me at the moment.

*as they moan, not mean

I get your point. If a woman was doing what he is, nobody would care. But because it's a man everyone thinks he's amazing. Like he's going above and beyond the duties of man work. In reality he sounds a great guy, but like you I don't like it if people say I should count myself lucky either, as tbh I wouldn't settle for anything less.

Say, "Well he does his fair share, but then I wouldn't even consider a man who didn't"

This is basically what I said to my IL’s. Yes he does his share, but why would I have married someone who didn’t? I’m no skivvy. Plus he enjoys spending time with his children, and taking them out, and putting them to bed. They’re his children!

YANBU
I have been a SAHM when DH worked full time, he got kudos for doing work AND childcare. Now roles are reversed and he more kudos for being a hands on dad while I am swanning about working
No one has said this outright but I know that MIL at least thinks it!
Women have to do an awful lot more than men to qualify for hero status

Well by calling him a 'hands-on Dad' like that's a compliment rather than the baseline standard for a parent, you're essentially doing the same thing and praising him for things he should do as standard such as parenting his children and contributing to your joint household.

Also 'helps around the house' like he's a child been given chores.

My husbands doesn't 'help' me around the house. While on maternity leave I did more housework and household chores as I had baby's nap times to try and get things done, but weekends and evenings were shared equally. Now I'm back at work we are equally split again. He doesn't 'help' me as it's not my job to sort, it's a joint responsibility.

Him receiving praise doesn't undermine your efforts. Being a mum is often a thankless task but we don't do things for thanks, we do them because we should. I have a similar situation in that my DH is also incredibly hands on and does so much for our boys, but I don't feel jealous of his praise from others (he gets a lot, especially from my mum) because I'm damn proud of him. There's a lot of blokes out there who do fuck all, do you think those mums get a pat on the back?

Oh I know, it sucks. Just like my family are always preoccupied with my brother's job prospects and career progression and mine just get a brief well done, while focusing on my role with the dc.

And my dh has just defended a bil doing nothing with his young dc or home responsibilities 'because it must be hard when he is only home half an hour before they go to bed.'

My DP is hands on and he does a little bit more than me around the house in term time, but when I have the school holidays I pick up nearly everything. When I get told how lucky I am to have a partner who is so good I tell them we both do what we can as we both work full time and I’m not lucky I just didn’t choose to procreate with a selfish Bellend. Likewise when people say how lucky I am that he helps or babysits I remind them he is DD’s parent and he is just doing these things that a proper parent, regardless of gender, does.

OP, I totally get where you are coming from and all I can say is just call people on it every time they say this to you. It’s everyday sexism and it’s just low expectations some people have regarding what it means to be father and a partner.

I really get where you are coming from OP. My DH is amazing, and he is told as much by relatives over and over. I often joke that my mum would swap him with me as her offspring in a heartbeat. A perfect example of this, is that he loves cooking and entertaining and won't have me near the kitchen when doing so...so I often look kind of redundant. What people don't see is me furiously cleaning the house before they arrive and often rushing to get ready for them. I'm sure they roll their eyes when I'm not there to greet them the moment they arrive, because I'm still getting ready, maybe thinking I'm a lady of leisure.

I'm not complaining though, he is fab, but when they comment on how great the meal was/evening was...isn't he wonderful etc...I will often add in a playful manner, 'all made possible by his wonderful DW cleaning and enabling him to concentrate on dinner'.

Bottom line these people don’t expect DP to do anything so they think it’s remarkable. That says far more about them than it does about you.

If they didn't praise your DP being a true hero for doing all these amazing things for his own child then they would need to acknowledge their own DPs/DHs are severely lacking. Which would burst their own little bubble of low standards contentment.

The other annoying one is when DP got praised for 'babysitting' so I could go out - errm, no, they are his children so he wasn't babysitting, he was just looking after them.

just because he's a man whilst my efforts to be forgotten because I'm a woman/mother and it's expected?

^

This with bells on. Societal expectations run deep.

Sounds like what he is doing is the ideal normal. However to put in perspective my dad hoovered once in my entire 30 years of childhood. Critisised my mother for any missed washing up etc.. He put money on the table and sometimes lectured us. It's been a big change for our generation.

This is a classic case of everyday sexism.
In a nutshell.

Next time someone raves, fix them with a Paddington hard stare and say 'They are his children and his house as much as mine. He doesn't "help", he does a fair share like me. It's not that he is wonderful, it's that a lot of men are male chauvinists.'

Someone at work was once talking about one of our male colleagues : 'yeah, he's a fantastic father too, he makes muffins with his kids at weekends and everything '

And his wife just keeps the sodding ship afloat 24/7

I had similar with my ex-in laws. Constant praising of ex as if he were a god. I imagine they would think his shit smelt of perfume. Very sadly it was disguising a very emotionally stunted family. When we finally divorced his parents cut me off immediately. He has continued to abuse me since. It is unhealthy. You both work, both contribute. He is the lucky one because he doesnt seem to do any of the wifework. The most underrated, unpaid work going. It is the constant thinking and planning. The type of work where it is difficult to switch off because there will always be something else. Do nip this in the bud but quite frankly DH should be nipping it in the bud and sharply. It is very old fashioned thinking and it will be harmful to your relationship in the long term.

I kinda get where you're coming from though personally couldn't be arsed sweating it. What is it you want? More praise for yourself or less for him?

He doesn't do a lot... he does his fair share.

I know where you are coming from - try being married to a man who WORKS in childcare. It borders on hero worship sometimes and you never hear the same comments about female childcarers to the same extent.

I hear you OP. It's perfectly possible to be happy and thankful for all the things your DP does for you and your DC, but also pissed off when people make out like he deserves a medal because he's doing it all whilst having a penis.

I'm pleased you don't have a DP who falls into the "wifework" trap. Mine doesn't either, and I know it's a good place to be.

However, I also don't think I should worship him just because he is an equal partner. Tbh I expect no less.

Start sending them clippings about wifework.
Or respond with 'you've done a good job raising him', 'I made an well informed choice', or less polite 'its such a shame more husbands aren't as good and some women put up with lazy partners'.
But honestly, some men are absolute arseholes. My friend just ran a hard race with me. My dh took the toddlers into bed last night so I could get a good nights sleep, then has spent the whole day looking after them because I'm a bit tired. In contrast her dh went out and got himself a hangover for the morning. He doesn't put her kids to bed because she has the 'magic touch' therefore it's easier for her. Don't know why she puts up with him.

One of the most negative things in our marriage - which I have belatedly recognised - is competitive hard-work/tiredness

"I've worked 70 hours this week and travelled for 10 hours on top and still done all the shopping meal-planning, two school runs and four bed-times"

"Well I've done all the laundry and three school runs and I work a full-time job too."

Which gets no-one anywhere. So yes your DP gets recognition for doing his bit. I get that this is unfair in a world where women frequently do more than their fair share and get no recognition.

But maybe - your DH does acknowledge and recognise your contribution and maybe your side of the family does too. If his side of the family praises him and not you - that's maybe just how it is. Don't get competitive about how much everyone is doing.

At least he consistently helps out. My DH only does Dad 'stuff' when other people are looking. Everyone thinks he's great but he's a lazy shit when there's no one to see it and comment.