To be upset with the constant praise DP gets?

[Chocolateismyvice]

My DP is a wonderful man. He's patient, kind, hard working and caring. He's a very hands on father to our 15 month old, and helps around the house.

Everyone always raves about how fantastic he is. Most of the men in my family who are dad's are good but have always taken a step back, so in comparison, my DP is excellent.

Certain relatives keep harping on about great DP is and the sun basically shines out of his arse. He works 8.30-5.30 (home by 6). He baths DS 5 nights a week and puts him to bed, helps around the house, does drop offs to my mum a couple of days a week and has DS one day on the weekend when I'm in work.

What is grating on me though is the same people do say I'm a good mum but keep on and on about how wonderful DP and almost dismiss me and my contribution.

I work 3 days a week (7-2), I do most the 'proper' cleaning, most of the cooking, meal planning and shopping, take DS out to park/library/play group/etc. Now it works well, as I'm home more so can clean while DS is napping as I don't want to be cleaning at 9pm, we all eat as soon as DP gets in because of DS and I'm home in afternoons so do most of the cooking, DP cooks on a Saturday and alternative Sunday. I love cooking so don't mind doing most of it. I also bath DS twice a week and DP will do dishes, tidy, flick the hoover around,, etc. All in all, theres a good balance, we both chip and work as a team.

Yet, a lot of my relatives and DPs parents don't shut up about how wonderful he is and how much he does. And "DP is home soon/off the weekend so you'll get a nice break" I just feel like screaming, no I don't. I do the jobs I can't do with a very busy and active toddler, or I work at the weekend so no, I don't have a break. We both chip in around the house and with DS.

AIBU to be get annoyed at the constant praise DP receives just because he's a man whilst my efforts to be forgotten because I'm a woman/mother and it's expected?

Don't get me wrong, yes he is a lovely person and I'm lucky to have him but he's also lucky to have me (to be fair, he says it often) and we BOTH work fucking hard. I'm probably being sensitive but it's really getting to me at the moment.

[FizzyGreenWater]

'DP is home soon/off the weekend so you'll get a nice break

'Ha are you joking? What I'll be doing is a. working or b. doing all the jobs I can't do with a toddler in tow! Nope, it's no rest for either of the wicked in our house with a 15 month old I'm afraid. DP was only saying yesterday that if I didn't pick it all up on the weekend he doesn't think he'd have worn a clean pair of pants this year, haha!'

Just say it - nicely :)

[lucy101101]

I have the same issue, a kind, personable husband who pulls his weight... but definitely does not do it all (I - of course - do more)... but all I hear - mostly from older female relatives - is how marvelous he is, how kind and a lot of 'poor DH'.

and... I know that there is some unpleasantness at the bottom of it, some kind of pulling me down, possibly some jealousy. I hate it!

[trumpetoftheswan]

This is such a male/female thing. No-one ever comments how 'involved' I am with my children when I drop them off for school, attend parents evenings, take them to their activities, take a day off work when they're sick.

When dh does those things, it's seen as him doing something that is really someone else's job ie mine and he's considered to be being acting like superman rather than a parent like any other.

[hildabaker]

YANBU OP and it IS sexism. However, your DP does sound like one of the good guys. I would get annoyed, too. If I were you, I would privately tell my mum to pack it in, surely she should be on your side, and try to change the subject with the rest of them.

well....actually, what I would really do is get annoyed and tell all of them what I really thought.

[Bluebell878275]

ChickenOrEgg6 Yes..I understand what you mean. Maybe that phrase was incorrect. There are so many posts about blokes not doing anything and then one where he is 'normal' but noticed because there are so many useless partners out there..it's not his fault he's a good 'un lol

[bobstersmum]

Your dh does sound fab, sorry!! But maybe your dh's family praise YOU?

[DoYouLikeHueyLewisandTheNews]

I see where you're coming from. We have a similar set up with a 19 month old. I earn the same amount as my husband in my part time hours but because I'm home more I do more activities and house work than him. We both are happy with this arrangement. His job is far more useful to society than mine and I'm very proud of him. I have to bite my tongue so hard when people fall over themselves to point out how he puts our child to bed, or he's sober so he can drive us home (we take it turns to be the non drinker/driver at gatherings) or he's the breadwinner working five days a week. If it works for a couple, why do people feel the need to stick their oar in and cast aspersions?! We have friends where they'res a female or a male SAHP, both work f/t etc and still the same comments.

[MsHomeSlice]

just shut them up by saying something!

you could just tell them you are a fabulous team, or he could
or if they keep on then disparage the choices they have made....
tell them you have always made EXCELLENT choices and let that head tilt and the tinkly laugh hang in the air until the penny drops.

[NotSureThisIsWhatIWant]

I wouldn’t feel fed up about people complementing on it, but neither would I feel proud and I would probably try to remind them that he does what every father should do for his kids, in the same way that you do.

[MrsRyanGosling15]

I know exactly what you mean op. I get this all the time and I'm sick of it. And it is an example of everyday sexism. When out lo's were babies, I had sections and infections ect. I put the crib on his side of the bed. I fed them, he winded/changed them 50/50 it's his child too. Did I ever hear anyone say, oh your so good feeding the baby through the night? Never Did he here how amazing he was for changing a nappy at night? All the bloody time!!

We both have stressful and draining jobs in the NHS but he is obviously praised for working and doing stuff at home. No mention at all of me. We split everything we can 50/50 in this house because we are a team and a family and I would never have married a lazy shit anyway.
I do not expect to hear family heaping praise on him constantly for parenting his own children and looking after his own home. I have friends who say 'oh your so lucky my dh would never hoover/cook/do bath times. I do not think my dh is special for doing these things, I think their dh is shit for not doing them!

[VladmirsPoutine]

Yanbu. It really does go to show the sexism and attitudes about traditional gender roles that are still very prevalent today. If I were you I'd start replying with PA remarks. Reminds me of some of the memes I sometimes see on Twitter or Instagram that praise men for not being violent or abusive to their wives/girlfriends... how grateful I must be to have a husband that doesn't abuse me

[brizzledrizzle]

OP, if it's any consolation I got told the same kind of things about my DP but because he changed the nappies when he was at home from work. Other than that he didn't lift a finger.

[Chocolateismyvice]

Thank you to those who get where I'm coming from.

@Chickenoregg, yes you are actually right. Nothing we are doing is praiseworthy, we are just doing every day normal things, working and raising our son. (Hope that doesn't come across as sarcastic, I really mean it nicely ) but yes he is hero worshipped for doing his FAIR SHARE while mine is just "meh, whatever".

@Bluebell, yes I do take on more when he's not here, just as he does when I'm in work, and in the the evening we divide and conquer. And no I'm not looking for sexism it's just bloody irritating when we work as a team so why should I listen to gushes of how he is so wonderful All.The.Time just because he does his fair share??

[poppy196]

So understand your annoyance op .
I get this with dp we both work together and he is my manager .
All fine but Christ his family and mine make such a big deal of how well he has done 🙄
He certainly wouldn't have managed it without me in the background planning and doing pretty much everything.
I work 6 hours less a week but certainly make it up in household chores and their would be no Christmas or birthday presents / cards if I didn't do it .
In my mind I have the harder job and always busy but he has so much more down time than me .
Annoys the hell out of me when my mother tells me how lucky I am ... yeah right , he's the lucky one but I keep quiet 🤫 for the moment anyway .

[LighthouseSouth]

you mean he's been given high praise for the things he should be doing?

Yes, I get it. It's ridiculous. he does a good job working and raising a child, whoop de do, so do lots of us, but apparently it's only worth praising if you are a man. Very annoying. I'd just tell these people they are being bizarrely sexist and overenthusiastic about a dad doing what he ought to do.

[Chocolateismyvice]

Just to add: I do reply to my family, "yes we're a good team" or to the "having a break on a weekend" that I'm usually catching up with things because of DS. My son is absolutely wonderful but incredibly busy so need to keep a constant eye on him. My family know this but still say it.

To be fair, my family do occasionally say I'm a good mum and work hard, and I KNOW they think this but it's only been said a few times whereas I hear it several times a week about DP.

I just needed a vent, it's been a loooong week and I'm feeling rather touchy

[BlankTimes]

it's the female relatives who go on ENDLESSLY about him and bypass all of my hardwork and contributions just because I'm a woman

It's because they don't have a man like that in their home, they will be left to do all the "wifework" and will be so astounded that a male can actually do some of that himself and do it well.

They need educating as to what's right and fair in parenting, so they see your DP as completely ordinary and their own as 'could do with improvement'.

[Fflamingo]

Can you. avoid these pia relatives?? How are they so knowledgeable of what exactly DH does? I would see less of them, or make sure it’s DH dealing with them then you don’t have to hear it.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Say, "Well he does his fair share, but then I wouldn't even consider a man who didn't".

[reallyanotherone]

He will do absolutely anything I ask, when I was poorly in the first trimester I would tell him what to clean/wash and he’d do it happily, no questions

My dh is the same. It pisses me off :). For starters it seems to give him permission to not do anything unless I ask. Secondly why should the mental load of planning and delegating fall solely to me? He is perfectly capable of noticing the dishwasher needs emptying and doing it without waiting for me to ask. Thirdly he thinks he is being some sort of amazing husband because he will do housework if i ask.

I’m with you o/p. Men should be expected to take on their share for the same amount of praise as women.

[SittHakim]

Urgh, I hate this. I'm on the other side of it - I'm the main earner and full time worker, and DH is home with DD. She's school age now, so it's not as full on as with a fifteen month old, but when she was that age I did roughly what your DP does. Funnily enough no-one ever said I was doing a good job, but DH was praised to the skies for being able and willing to be home with DD.

[NomNomNomNom]

YANBU. It is annoying when men are praised for doing their fair share. My DH always points this out to his mum (she came on holiday with us and was amazed that DH put DS to bed every other night).

[Semster]

I know exactly what you mean OP.

My parents do it too. Apparently I'm just so lucky to have a husband who's actually involved with his kids.

They seem to be able to completely overlook the fact that he's away 3 days out of 7, and that I hold the fort while he's away, because when he's home he's just SO wonderful.

[Chocolateismyvice]

@Flamingo, one of them is my mother. She has DS twice a week while we both work and she lives locally. She is very involved with DS so naturally sees a lot of what goes on. Plus DP drops our boy off twice a week and knows that he does the bath/bed routine most nights as that's "their" time after work. She also tells other relatives about how much he does as they mean their Son in Laws are lazy fuckers so my mum likes to boast I guess (she does mean well with that). And no I definitely can't avoid my mum

[ScarletLouise]

I agree with other posters that it's everyday sexism. A mother working full-time would be expected as a working parent to also do bath/bedtime routines after work and some household chores. Yet when it's a man it's different.