To be upset with the constant praise DP gets?

[Chocolateismyvice]

My DP is a wonderful man. He's patient, kind, hard working and caring. He's a very hands on father to our 15 month old, and helps around the house.

Everyone always raves about how fantastic he is. Most of the men in my family who are dad's are good but have always taken a step back, so in comparison, my DP is excellent.

Certain relatives keep harping on about great DP is and the sun basically shines out of his arse. He works 8.30-5.30 (home by 6). He baths DS 5 nights a week and puts him to bed, helps around the house, does drop offs to my mum a couple of days a week and has DS one day on the weekend when I'm in work.

What is grating on me though is the same people do say I'm a good mum but keep on and on about how wonderful DP and almost dismiss me and my contribution.

I work 3 days a week (7-2), I do most the 'proper' cleaning, most of the cooking, meal planning and shopping, take DS out to park/library/play group/etc. Now it works well, as I'm home more so can clean while DS is napping as I don't want to be cleaning at 9pm, we all eat as soon as DP gets in because of DS and I'm home in afternoons so do most of the cooking, DP cooks on a Saturday and alternative Sunday. I love cooking so don't mind doing most of it. I also bath DS twice a week and DP will do dishes, tidy, flick the hoover around,, etc. All in all, theres a good balance, we both chip and work as a team.

Yet, a lot of my relatives and DPs parents don't shut up about how wonderful he is and how much he does. And "DP is home soon/off the weekend so you'll get a nice break" I just feel like screaming, no I don't. I do the jobs I can't do with a very busy and active toddler, or I work at the weekend so no, I don't have a break. We both chip in around the house and with DS.

AIBU to be get annoyed at the constant praise DP receives just because he's a man whilst my efforts to be forgotten because I'm a woman/mother and it's expected?

Don't get me wrong, yes he is a lovely person and I'm lucky to have him but he's also lucky to have me (to be fair, he says it often) and we BOTH work fucking hard. I'm probably being sensitive but it's really getting to me at the moment.

[user7680]

Your lucky hun you should be proud. Most men are lazy assholes. My dd is nearly 5 and her dad has bathed at less than 10 times this is after arguing as he refuses.

[Iwillorderthefood]

I agree with you, you do a lot and have changed your working patterns to make sure you are there as much as possible do fior your child. Your DH is doing all he can in the time he has. What you do makes you an ordinary woman, nothing special. What he has done makes you a very lucky woman and him superman. You are a great team, one to aspire to. Yes it would niggle me, not because I want praise, but because I want society to be equal. Having a child is both parents’ responsibility and both of you are stepping up.

[starsinyourpies]

I think your phrasing is very apt and I understand your frustration. Who ever described a Mum as 'hands on'? Sounds like you are both doing great and perhaps rather than bask in glory he could occasionally raise the fact that you both do a great job and welcome to the 21st century!

[DailyMailReadersAreThick]

But you're doing exactly the same thing yourself.

You say: My DP is a wonderful man. He's patient, kind, hard working and caring. He's a very hands on father to our 15 month old, and helps around the house.

That's not "wonderful." That's a pretty basic list of qualities for a decent husband and father. And why do you say he "helps" around the house? Why is he helping you, like it's your job and it's optional for him?

By all means, be annoyed at casual sexism, but beware that you're just as guilty.

[SoyDora]

Your lucky hun you should be proud. Most men are lazy assholes

She’s not lucky, she just chose not to marry a lazy asshole. It’s called standards, not luck.

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

It’s everyday sexism

That we have such low expectations on men that when they do their fair share it’s celebrated

I’m surprised the ex didn’t get knighted when he took ds for a hospital appointment- a routine appointment for nothing serious he wasn’t working at the time I was in my final week at university. I was shocked how many people marveled at how amazing he was to do this

And him paying good maintenance and never missing a payment and seeing ds everyweek he becomes almost saint like. He is a good dad but he does what should be expected and I never allow anyone to tell ds he is lucky he ds shouldn’t expect anything less

Sorry gone off on a rant

[Thesearepearls]

Why on earth do women marry lazy fuckwits?

I haven't often had to wonder this - because most of my friends are married to sensible people who muck in and do their fair share

Clearly someone being a total fuckwit is something that makes them less marriageable and not more. In evolutionary terms this tribe of people will die out if no-one marries them.

See? You're doing the human race a disservice by marrying these people. Stop marrying them.

[ScarletLouise]

I also hate 'hands on dad'... yuck. When does anyone say 'hands on mum'?

[Ethylred]

One of the worst things about this forum is the endless resentment displayed towards husbands, directly or not.
But this takes the biscuit. Well done OP.

[Lostmyunicorn]

Haven’t RTFT - I agree with various pp that there is massive probably unconscious sexism here. But also suspect part of it may be generational. You say it’s the female older relatives who comment most; they are most likely also the ones who suffered even more with sexist role division when they had kids. So although this double standard is annoying and crap for you and for society generally, I sort of see why they might also genuinely find it wonderful, because it contrasts so sharply with what their experience was.

[Sevendown]

Yes men get praise for doing what women are expected to do.

[IfyouseeRitaMoreno]

Why on earth do women marry lazy fuckwits?
Presumably they don’t know they are lazy fuckwits when they marry them?
Or they look around and see that there isn’t a boundless supply of men who are willing to do their fair share?

Or should these women not got married or have kids?

[IfyouseeRitaMoreno]

But YY OP it is the same as my brother. He is a great dad but it’s constantly remarked upon. Far more so than my SIL who also does loads plus more of the cooking and cleaning.

[IIIustriousIyIIlogical]

I AM proud/grateful to be with such a lovely person but it's the female relatives who go on ENDLESSLY about him and bypass all of my hardwork and contributions just because I'm a woman. It's annoying.

The reason females go on about it continuously is because they're jealous, wish their partners would do the same & hope that, by saying it a lot, they'll hear & buck their ideas up.

If they praised you their lazy arsed partners would just think that nothing needed to change.....

Why does it bother you?

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

Ethylred you seem to have difficulty understanding what the thread is about

It is the praise men get from others when they have done nothing more than one of the many routine tasks that parenting involves

HTH to make it clear for you

[Micah]

I don’t think it’s just within marriage.

I worked in a office for a while where we took in in turns to make rounds of drinks. Males in the office made noticeably fewer rounds. When they did make drinks they got credit for making anything drinkable. If they did pull their weight there would be a big fuss made of how wonderful they were.

While people still subscribe to pink brain blue brain - and they do, this shit will happen. Even on here women will argue that girls “naturally” like girl stuff, playing with dolls and pretending to clean house, while boys are like puppies that just need food, exercise and sleep.

[Thehop]

“Yes, he’s wonderful, that’s how he managed to get such a great wife to share everything with”

[WingsOnMyBoots]

Why do people keep exclaiming about DS being 15 months???? And not 5?????

[Verbena87]

There seem to be lots of people saying “you should just be glad to have him”, but I think your post makes it clear that you are - the problem is with other people’s comments, if I’ve understood right. That’s just deeply entrenched sexism, and not your fault.

Try and take comfort from the fact that the pair of you are raising children who will assume an equal division of labour, and an equal ability to be vulnerable, compassionate, caring, loving, etc is NORMAL. The more of us who keep on getting on with that, the fewer of our daughters will be facing this frustration or drowning in singlehanded ‘women’s work’, and the fewer of our sons will be suffering in silence with mental health issues because they’ve been indoctrinated with the idea that emotions and compassion are just for girls.

[Fickleflock]

Sevendown has summed it up really.
I completely get where you’re coming from OP - you’re not putting your husband down at all, the opposite in fact, you’re very proud of him. It is not, however, unreasonable to expect equal praise for being great parents and make a great team. You are not being unreasonable to find it bloody irritating at all!

[Friendsupport]

When we first moved in together, Dh (having come from his parents' house where he did NOTHING) started loading the dishwasher after dinner.

MIL was nearly combusting with shock that DH was doing it.

I replied simply - "2 of us live here, I cooked, he cleans up......"

She was "but he never did at home?" and I said but that is because you did it all. We both work, we both own this house, we both do our share"

She was aghast. It is like she never considered that as an option.

I notice FIL does all the cleaning up after dinner since he retired.....

You are not wrong OP to be annoyed. I would repeat constantly, "we share the load in this house". Nothing more needed.

[silverpenguin]

I'm with you OP. Yes it's great that he does all that and obviously you should be happy with it (which you are!) but he shouldn't be singled out for praise. It does only happen because he's a man, sadly. If the roles were reversed and it was a woman doing what he does people would just wonder why she wasn't doing more of the cleaning/cooking.

I get it from my family, they act like DH is God if he cooks a meal/irons his own shirts - we work the same hours!!!

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

Yes to the tea/coffee making at work

We take it in turns at work to make drinks but the men get a thumbs up and told great tea/coffee well done !

This before anyone jumps on how sexist it is is a joke the men know full well how often women are patronized since it has been pointed out to them

[confusedofengland]

I haven't RTFT (sorry!) but I just came on to say I completely get where you are coming from.

I am a SAHM to a 9-year old, 7-year old with autism (who is very stressed & tired at the moment due to change of schools, lack of routine at school etc, so lots of meltdowns) & a 4-year old. I also volunteer one morning a week at the library, 9-1, on one of the 2 days (9-3) that DS3 goes to nursery. I do all the housework & household admin (including SEN stuff, which is a lot), all the school meetings/sports days etc, 90% of the cooking (DH has a couple of meals he does, but otherwise it's me), all the gardening & more besides. DH works FT, so is gone from 8am-8pm & is a coach for DS1's football team (which meets for about 6 hours every weekend Sep-Jun, leaving me to look after DS2 & DS3 on my own with no car).

The setup works well for us, and it is what we chose together. I will start to work more & have more free time once DS3 is at school, in September. So no issues there. But it does grate that DH gets monthly appraisals at work, where he is praised highly, gets thanked when he finishes a piece of work plus my parents, his parents, the DC all think that he's amazing as he 'works so hard' plus his job is rather glamorous sounding so always impresses people. My parents in particular are always saying things like 'Oh, DH works so hard, you must let him do whatever he wants at the weekend/evening, you must look after the DC so he can go out to relax' and 'If you're not happy with DH doing something, you mustn't tell him, he works so hard'. If we visit ILs & I am tired, MIL will say 'You can't be as tired as DH, he works all week & commutes too!' The DC do what DH says more as he is not the one constantly around. All rather frustrating really

I would love for someone to tell me well done, or thank me for doing something, or tell me I'm doing a good job, but that just doesn't happen. Nobody sees how much I struggle just to get the 3 of them round a shop without arguments, for example & what a victory that is if I can do that. DH says that whenever people say what lovely boys they are or how good they are (which they do frequently) or when DS2 gets discharged from another service then that is praise for me, but it doesn't feel quite the same as somebody just saying 'Thank you, you've done a good job'. Anyway, rant over, I hope it gets better for you OP

[Fflamingo]

Well next time someone says how great DH is and how tired he must be you say 'Well, I work fucking hard too and it would be nice if someone, anyone appreciated it once in a while' in an loud and angry voice.
But you won't as you are too busy being 'nice'.
They would probably never mention DH's achievements again and would tentatively start congratulating you.
By the way you aren't being a stroppy cow you are pointing out the truth!