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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I didn't get to a shop yesterday is not

38 replies

Fantasticday09 · 24/06/2018 10:48

An excuse.
Ok I know it is trivial and cards are a waste of money etc etc but
Yet again dh didn't bother to get an Anniversary card. I am not materialistic and I am not bothered by gifts etc but I do like a card.
I have just been struck again by how selfish dh is. I came down as per usual and sorted kids etc etc. He finally surfaced at 10.15 from his hobby room I presume to announce that he would be having tv for 3 hours for the Grand Prix.
So is he selfish?

OP posts:
theymademejoin · 24/06/2018 10:50

Yes. And sounds like the card is the least of it.

NewYearNewMe18 · 24/06/2018 10:54

This is a 20 minute snap shot of your joint life.

Really, how do we know? No idea if he works 16 hours a day 6 days a week whilst you faff about at home, or vice versa TBH.

Cards are pointless. 20 odd grand prix x 3 hours versus Corrie 365.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 24/06/2018 10:54

He has had a year to get a card. Tbh I would make a picnic and take the dc out. Leave him to his hobby.
Selfish, thoughtless fucker .

Original poster
Fantasticday09 · 24/06/2018 11:02

It isn't just 3 hours. Add on qualifying
In the winter he has a football season ticket and a time consuming hobby at home.
Yes he works full time and me part time. But I do virtually all the kids stuff. Housework ,gardening etc etc.
Tbh it makes it worse as he has to drive past several shops where he could procure a card every day.

OP posts:
Homemenu1 · 24/06/2018 11:05

No it’s not too much to ask, he’s selfish and selfish people very rarely change.

What did he say?

My stbex would tell me to stop making a big deal out if it and it was just a card to stop me making him felt bad

Original poster
Fantasticday09 · 24/06/2018 11:11

He said your card is in the shop still as I had no time to get it yesterday. Ie he had to ferry kids around for once as I was working. I pointed out that I purchased mine 3 weeks ago. No response.
Now up I the hobby room playing his games.
Well I am off out with the kids.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 24/06/2018 11:17

It depends! We don't usually do anniversary cards. To be honest if my OH wanted to watch the Grand Prix with me I'd be delighted! So it's horses for courses. I think you have to assess if he's usually selfish rather than look at one anniversary. Example - my OH went out yesterday with friends, he went early before I got up and came home at 10pm - on the face of it may seem selfish to leave me with 2 DS. However, 2 DS are 16 and he does this once a year to meet up with old colleagues and go for a long walk - not selfish at all. We can't take events in isolation you have to see how it is overall.

happypoobum · 24/06/2018 11:17

Sounds like a miserable relationship to me. What do you get out of it?

Bibesia · 24/06/2018 11:18

Shops are presumably open today round you? If so, what's his excuse for playing games rather than going out to get a card and/or a present?

LuluJakey1 · 24/06/2018 11:20

I think he is selfish. But DH and I do remember our wedding anniversary, get each other a card and do something nice. I know some people don't and it doesn't bother them at all and they are very happily married. If it matters to you and he knows it does, he is selfish and not thoughtful.

BewareOfDragons · 24/06/2018 11:21

Well, this is who you married I'm afraid.

If you don't like it, tell him things have to change. Sounds like you're alone with the kids most of the time anyway. And, let me guess, on his rare 'kid taking' events, he has to point it out constantly as if it's a favour and to 'explain' why nothing else got done?

Not a great way to spend your life...

StaplesCorner · 24/06/2018 11:24

So in general, he's an arse, and even more so today. Have you serious doubts if the relationship is worth it? What would he say if you asked to have a frank discussion about things? What form does he have for being a good partner, or a general arse?

Original poster
Fantasticday09 · 24/06/2018 11:28

To be honest it wasn't always like this. However the last few years of our 12 year marriage have not been great.
We inherited some money and he wanted to use it to convert the loft to create a gaming room.
I was wary as I said it could be used as a means of opting out of family life. He assurred me that this wouldn't happen.
Re kids activities he does take one child to one activity a week. I do the rest.

OP posts:
Bibesia · 24/06/2018 11:37

I'm not usually in the LTB camp, but I do wonder what your husband adds to your life.

SoddingUnicorns · 24/06/2018 11:39

“Faff about at home”?? That sneery little comment about SAHMs didn’t take long did it? Gobshite.

PieAndPumpkins · 24/06/2018 11:41

I think the card is the least of your worries. We don't know the full picture - is he considerate and loving to you in other ways? Does he 'look after you' as such? Is he a good dad in other ways? Does he hate his work? I think when people hate their work, it takes a lot of of them mentally, so spare time is more needed mentally - for me personally this is family time, for my DH he also enjoys socialising and hobbies. Doesn't excuse him not stepping up at all though, especially if he's neglecting the children too.

We stopped doing cards for each other outside of birthdays, after the first few years. But your DH is sat in his games room, you're taking the children out by yourself... and it's your anniversary. That says much more to me. No planned romantic meal and a film in tonight i'm guessing?

ScarlettSahara · 24/06/2018 11:46

Some people set no store by these things but it is important to you OP & your partner knows it. He knows when your anniversary is - not a surprise date after 12 years of marriage. I feel he should have made the effort, not just emerge late from his den & announce his plans for the day. He could have brought you breakfast in bed to make amends. It’s just nice to make your loved ones feel a little appreciated.

What are you going to do now? Think I would go out and do something nice with the kids & have a cream tea or something. I would also have a word with my DH about how disappointed I felt. 💐

Juells · 24/06/2018 11:47

I never got an anniversary card on any of our anniversaries. Bet my ex gets one for the new wife, or his balls would be handed to him. Bear that in mind... 😁 You get what you put up with, and it sounds like you're tolerating a lot.

Maelstrop · 24/06/2018 11:50

Inheritance was used for a gaming room? Which nobody but he uses?? Wanker. And he’d rather be in there gaming while you take the kids out on a beautiful day like this? Double wanker. Bar financial support, what is he bringing to the relationship?

KittyHawke80 · 24/06/2018 11:52

Grown men needing hobby/gaming rooms is something I find utterly absurd. He sounds like a bit of a tool.

SoyDora · 24/06/2018 11:54

Cards are pointless. 20 odd grand prix x 3 hours versus Corrie 365

Where does the OP say she watches Corrie?! Confused. Or is it just an assumption that all women watch it? I’ve never watched a soap in my life.
He sounds like a selfish arse. FWIW I ‘faff around at home all week’ (I’m a SAHM to 2 pre schoolers) but DH still manages to engage in family life and buy anniversary cards.

Fairenuff · 24/06/2018 11:56

It's obvious he doesn't care about you OP. Not because he didn't get a card but because of his behaviour to you today. I would start making plans to build a life without him. He won't change and you will be living this limbo half life for as along as you are with him.

Juells · 24/06/2018 12:00

@Fairenuff

I would start making plans to build a life without him.

Imagine how he'd explain that to his family - "she left me because I forgot to buy an anniversary card! So demanding." 😁

Fairenuff · 24/06/2018 12:05

Yeah Juells you're right, he probably would say something like that because he is an arse who cannot see that ignoring his wife and children on their anniversary is selfish.

I know lots of women accept being mistreated like this but they don't have to.

She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink

Juells · 24/06/2018 12:09

It can never be "I was a selfish arse who never lifted a finger to help, paid no attention to my children, and thought my wife should wait on me hand and foot."

Eternal teenagers.