To have stood up to my MIL?

[Shehz21]

Have moved into MIL's place since quite time now. Reason being,MIL and FIL are both quite poorly and FIL was diagnosed with having only a year max to live. FIL was admitted to the hosp recently to be subjected to lots of tests,scans etc.
MIL and I never got along. She is the most emotionally and verbally abusive person I have ever known in my life. She has insulted me/my family on many occasions and I have always kept quiet out of respect for my DH.
I could scrub her whole house down and make everything sparkle and she would still never be satisfied. She would still make remarks and she makes snide comments about me to anyone who will listen.
Coming back to the issue, yesterday we had visitors home who came to give moral support to her and while conversing, she kept making sly digs at me and I couldn't take it and told her that i really don't appreciate such comments. Like why on earth would she still make displeasing comments about me when all she should care about right now is FIL's health?
Well after I said that,she started a melodrama of how much she does for her family, why am I sorting out things with her when she is apparently so upset about FIL. And she started insulting me again and screamt at me to STFU. This time I couldn't keep quiet like all the other times and I screamt back DON'T YOU DARE SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT and my BIL tried to jump in to protect his DM from my outburst and I told him also where to go.
My MIL sister told my DH after the fight that If I feared my husband, I wouldn't have spoken to his mum the way i did and it would be a disgrace in society for him the way if a DIL speaks to his MiL this way. So I should tolerate whatever way my MIL wants to speak to me? Was i BU to have stood up to her? Is my MIL sister right? Am I what's considered a disgrace to the society? Am I supposed to "fear"my husband?
I love my husband and respect him but it doesn't mean I have no self respect!!
Sorry about this long post. Rant over.

Can you move out? The whole situation sounds toxic. I’m confused by why you moved in because FIL was ill when you already had such a bad relationship with her. Are you meant to be helping her out while he’s in and out of hospital? I think you and your husband need to move out ASAP. Of course YANBU to ask her to wind her neck in and stop being awful to you and I’m sure it’s all been building up for a long time but having a screaming match at such a sensitive time wasn’t great. Of course you’re not meant to fear your husband, what’s that all about?! And you’re not a disgrace. But I can’t see how things will improve when relations are so poor so in the first instance I’d be finding a new place to live.

It sounds very stressful and unthankful.

What culture/society are you from that someone can expect a wife to fear her husband?

I think in the mumsnet world, everyone would congratulate your for having a spine.

Thank you for taking the time to answer on a Saturday night Anne.
We moved in because MIL requested DH to move in so I and DH could help her around the house while she takes care of FIL. She requested on many occasions and DH convinced me that his mum needs hin and he should be there for her.
Yes I completely agree and accept the time was unfortunate but I think I just had enough at that point...
It is hard for DH to move out as he feels he should be around his DF until his last breath.

You were totally right to speak to your MIL the way you did, she deserved it. Where is your DH in all this, did he defend you. Time to move out now!

If your DH does not, I would, your well being comes first.

Are you sure she didn't just want your DH to move back in and you stay put in the hopes that you would drift apart and break up?

You are a human being, with feelings, and MIL (or anyone) has the right to speak to you like that and make you feel like you are a disgrace in society. Her energy would be better spent on helping her ailing husband instead of thinking up nasty things to say about you. She thinks she looks clever by saying such sly stuff about you, and thrives on doing it so you hear, but she makes herself look like a bitch.

You make your husband happy, he loves you, and MIL should be pleased about that. Stop wasting your time trying to please her - It won't happen.

so your DH is not supportive of you OP .. does he ignore the abuse you endure too ?

You should not fear your DH, you should be equal partners. You did the right thing in standing up to your MIL. Can I assume this is a different culture? British people don't usually have the view that a woman should fear her husband and the MIL is some sort of matriarch who gets to do and say whatever she wants.

You did the right thing. No-one needs to put up with bullying behaviour, and of course you shouldn’t fear your husband (or anyone else!).

It must be awful for your husband and I feel for both of you but the situation has escalated to such a point that I think the best thing would be to move out and have your husband visit his dad as much as possible.

He needs to think about what your marriage will look like once his fathe I sadly no longer around. He really can’t exoect you to stay and put up with being badly treated and yelled at by his mother for an indefinite period of time.

Do you still have your previous home or have you rented it out or sold it? You can’t be expected to stay there.

I’m sure his mum is having a horrible time seeing her husband dying, I can’t imagine how hard that must be. But there are limits to how you treat people even wheh life is terribly difficult and it sounds like things were bad between you long before FIL’s illness. Your husband must have known things wouldn’t be easy when you moved in and they’ve now been proven to be awful so something’s got to change and quickly.

I know it's probably not helpful but you should have never moved in.

When will you move out? When your poor MIL lost her dh last week? No? When she only lost her husband two months ago? No? Oh poor woman only lost her husband six months ago...

Move out now and be as supportive as possible whilst keeping your own roof.

Do you have your own home. If so I would have packed my bags and left.

Thank you all for your kind replies at this time of the night.

Yes we are from a different culture but I was brought up with a very open minded family who taught me not to follow the kind of shit culture which teaches women oppression is normal.

Yes MIL and I never got along but only because she has always wanted me to be a stay-at-home DIL and take care of her,FIL,her other son(My BiL) and DH.
She has always been a bully and lies with evry breath she takes.

Listentothewords Completely agree!!

Gemini He supports me behind closed doors and wipes my tears. That's about it. He did try to stand up to his mother once but she "fainted" and woke up saying she is heartbroken from him. Lots of emotional blackmailing basically.

We have sold our old place.

Sounds like your mil likes to rule the roost in every way, she sounds like a piece of work.
YADNBU to feel pissed off with her, why should you put up with her nonsense!
You are clearly expected to be the dutiful daughter in law, and know your place in her eyes,and you dh isn’t being supportive at all.
Is there a culture difference between you and her? Or is she just one of those matriarch types who thinks they are always right?

I think when you stand up for yourself there is usually kick back. It means your message has hit home. So yes, always stand up to her.

However it’s no way to live day to day. Please do move out.

Sorry Cross post there,

You need to get out of there ASAP, both for you and for your marriage. You know she isn't going to change.

No you should not tolerate that sort of bullying behaviour regardless of how ill FIL is. If she was that concerned about him why is she picking on you? I would not stand for it and as for fearing your husband that sounds awful. Are they Asian?

I think you should tell your DH that you wont tolerate it again and if she does it then you will be moving out with or without him. Are you financially independent? Any kids?

OP you were right to stand up to her.

You should not fear your husband.

Your husband should not have put you in this position.

Do you have kids to care for, do you work? If so then your time is needed else where. If your dh wants to go and help his mum, he can. You can get on with the rest of your life.

Your husband has put you in an intolerable position.

I have lost both my dad and my mum. I loved them dearly but my first priority is to my kids, and then to dh. My parents in law are lovely people. But I would not live with them.

'It is hard for DH to move out as he feels he should be around his DF until his last breath.' If he ends up sacrificing his marriage to you in order to wait around his father and help his mum, he will be very foolish. If his father really loves him he will not expect his son to be around for his every breath.

It seems you may be from a culture where women are expected to wait on others and fear them, if you are in the UK, you know that this is not how most women here behave or want to behave.

Your husband must be very sad at the prospect of loosing a parent, my dad died while I was in my thirties, it must be very hard if your husband is even younger.

However, he is a grown man, with a wife and he needs to not sacrifice you to his family's needs.

I agree this will not end well. If you were emotionally blackmailed into moving in which I would never have done. I would have told your DH that if he wanted to do that fine but I would have stayed put. Even when FIL dies which could really be anytime and not necessarily in the near future you can bet MIL will say she is too distraught as a new widow for you to move out.

I would take the money from your old house and look into buying something now and if DH wont come then resign yourself to living apart for a while. Not ideal but if he is that much under the thumb best you know that now. He can still support his DF while not living there. Chances are that MIL wanted you to look after them all and that was the reason for you moving in the first place. My MIL was Indian and made it clear that DIL looked after the MIL when she got elderly. We moved her closer to us and my DH and I supported her as much as possible but no way was she moving in or us moving in with her.

You don't fight fire with fire! There are ways of getting your point across without losing your rag or becoming personal

You play sweetly 'MIL we all know you look after your familly so brilliantly, perhaps you could show me those skills instead of pointing out my lack of knowledge'? Head tilt .... She'll know what you mean without having actually said it .....

Get out of there as soon as possible.

weeklywoo This might be a possibility actually.. I do wonder sometimes if that is not her sole purpose in life.

Italiangreyhound i am so sorry about your loss. Your post makes so much sense. It is truly heartbreaking to lose a parent, the very thought losing either one of my parents makes me go weak in the knees but ultimately my duty now is towards my husband and my DD.

To answer the above,I do have a 5 and a half month old baby.

CornishClio Yes she is asian and I am half asian.

Bananas I do hope she got the message yesterday. But yes It's definitely no way to live.

Having a serious word with dh atm about moving out.

Sadly when your FIL passes you’ll likely find your MIL is unable to cope and ‘needs’ your DH to take care of her.

You and he need to have a very clear discussion and set some ground rules. Warn him now because it’s very likely that she will continue to ‘faint’ or possibly develop a heart condition. palpitations or similar. Once that happens he needs to decide if ge will give in to the manipulation of his grieving mother or stay with the wife she hates. It’s a horrible situation for him, and also for you.

You can avoid that only by being completely United now. He has to put you first and you have to work as a team