To have stood up to my MIL?

[Shehz21]

Have moved into MIL's place since quite time now. Reason being,MIL and FIL are both quite poorly and FIL was diagnosed with having only a year max to live. FIL was admitted to the hosp recently to be subjected to lots of tests,scans etc.
MIL and I never got along. She is the most emotionally and verbally abusive person I have ever known in my life. She has insulted me/my family on many occasions and I have always kept quiet out of respect for my DH.
I could scrub her whole house down and make everything sparkle and she would still never be satisfied. She would still make remarks and she makes snide comments about me to anyone who will listen.
Coming back to the issue, yesterday we had visitors home who came to give moral support to her and while conversing, she kept making sly digs at me and I couldn't take it and told her that i really don't appreciate such comments. Like why on earth would she still make displeasing comments about me when all she should care about right now is FIL's health?
Well after I said that,she started a melodrama of how much she does for her family, why am I sorting out things with her when she is apparently so upset about FIL. And she started insulting me again and screamt at me to STFU. This time I couldn't keep quiet like all the other times and I screamt back DON'T YOU DARE SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT and my BIL tried to jump in to protect his DM from my outburst and I told him also where to go.
My MIL sister told my DH after the fight that If I feared my husband, I wouldn't have spoken to his mum the way i did and it would be a disgrace in society for him the way if a DIL speaks to his MiL this way. So I should tolerate whatever way my MIL wants to speak to me? Was i BU to have stood up to her? Is my MIL sister right? Am I what's considered a disgrace to the society? Am I supposed to "fear"my husband?
I love my husband and respect him but it doesn't mean I have no self respect!!
Sorry about this long post. Rant over.

You're obviously a strong, capable woman and that probably scares your MIL. Her digs and criticism are meant to make you look inferior to her. After your FIL passes she wont need all of you to look after her...her other son is more than capable I'm sure. Your own family needs you after all. In the meantime smile and nod and try not push her down the stairs.

I know it's not a nice thought but I would ask your DH to put 1/2 the money from the house sale into your sole name. Just in case MIL tries to get her hands on it.

It sounds like you've been set up. Selling the house was probably MILs idea. Unless your DH isn't very bright me too knows that this move is meant to be permanent and is feeding you a line.

Are you in the U.K.? My concern is that if your DH has access to the money from the house sale and you do not one day you'll find out that he's given it to MIL 'as a share of her house' because it's only fair if you're living there.

You need to have access to your house money.

Can you move back in with your parents? Just get copies of all financial paperwork before you go.

@Shehz21 personally, I am not sure how ultimations play out, especially with FIL so ill. Eg adding pressure.

But as FIL gets worse you may find time is of the essence. You need to be out before he dies, sorry to put it like that. Your dh needs to see this too.

Please get your dh on side unless you have decided to go your own way. I would not blame you. He is trying to control you!

As area and home renting or ownership is being thought about in your home I would say...

By pressuring you to sell the family accet and move in with family your dh is possibly using some sort of financial control.

My thoughts...

Living in a house in a possibly rough area (dangerous area?) Not great.

Renting in an ok area and saving to buy - maybe good, IMHO

Buying in ok area - maybe good, IMHO.

Living with hostile MIL worst option! IMHO

Are your family supportive? If so, go to them and take the baby with you.

I have a friend in a very similar situation. In Asian culture it's a deep seated belief that upon marriage the wife joins the husband's family and it's expected that she will care for the elders. When my friend got married her MIL and FIL immediately retired from work (despite the fact they were completely fit and healthy) and immediately started pressuring her about when her and her DH would buy a big enough house so that they could move in so that she could look after them. She loves her DH but is very unhappy because the expectations from the ILs are that she should put them first and foremost. Divorce is still very frowned upon.

Move out and leave your husband where he is.
It looks to me like the plan is for you to reside there permanently, especially as your file is seriously ill. How will your mil cope on her own. She won’t and that’s why yours have been drafted in.

You have a job that pays well enough for you to support yourself
You have a young baby, and have served purpose in providing MIL with a grandchild who she threatens to take away from you.
You were forced to move in with MIL to look after her, FIL, DH, BIL as an unpaid, badly treated slave.
MIL cannot take your baby away from you, but she is having a good try to take your husband away from you.
She will break you if you stay.
I suggest you leave, if you are able to support yourself.
They all sound too lazy to be able to lift a finger to look after themselves.
Am I the only one who is wondering if this terminally ill diagnosis is genuine, and how incapacitated FIL actually is currently? (nasty, suspicious mind I have here....)

Your English is not poor OP you just phrase things a little differently to those where it is the first or only language spoken.

So there is one unmarried son living with the ILs but the son with the wife also had to move in?

I also think that your husband has no intention of leaving.

Been thinking the same as DownTownAbbey.

I don't think your English is poor either OP.

And I echo what other posters have said. Take your child out of that toxic house and leave, with or without your husband. You don't have to put up with MIL or her insulting, disgraceful behaviour.

One of the first things you need to do is get at 50% of the value of the property you sold into an account solely in your name.

Move into a rented accommodation that is just in your name only for you and your dc protection and safety.

Op I'm from the Asian culture as well and I can tell from my vast experience it's such a toxic, blackmailing backward mentality. Please you really need to leave. It's usually the parents who must be worshipped and adored and never ,ever questioned. Your situation sounds so typical. It will only get worse I can assure you.
Your dh is brought up in this culture, it's going to be extremely difficult to try change him. Make your position clear and if he chooses to live there then you know where you stand.

I am happy to be corrected by someone who knows better but having worked in community healthcare in a town with a large Asian community, I would see this expectation on a daily basis.....daughter in law having to care for husband,small children and ailing in-laws.
This is often a cultural expectation and was obviously the plan when you moved in. As an Occupational Therapist, I used to be frustrated by elderly ladies who absolutely could manage independently but insisted on their daughter-in-law assisting them with everything as that was their role inlife. They would adopt the sick role and then evryone had to dance attendance around them. In fairness, they had probably had the same expectation of them when younger so seized the opportunity to be looked after as soon as able.
I know it is not that helpful now OP but did you have discussions about this with your DH before you sold up and moved there. This is definitely a clash of cultures and hard for anyone from a different background to understand why anyone would put up with it. I guess for you, you need to decide how much you want to stay married and what you are prepared to put up with.
DH needs to step up here really and explain that you were raised differently and are not prepared to look after everyone. Is there any way you could get a part time job or do something that takes you out the house more? Could you volunteer at a toddler group where you could go with your baby, or just attend some groups that gets you out more?
Maybe avoid confronting your MIL verbally but just quietly leave the room if she is being disrespectful. You are in a very difficult position. What do your parents have to say? Could they visit and talk to MIL?

It sounds like you've been set up. Selling the house was probably MILs idea. Unless your DH isn't very bright me too knows that this move is meant to be permanent and is feeding you a line.
Another who agrees with this.Why on earth would you and DH have not kept it as an asset? It would yield rental income and pay for its upkeep and then could be sold in the future to provide a large deposit for a house in a nice area.

You have a good job and a small child to think of - you also sound smart and capable.

One thing I would be focusing on is what will mu life look like 10 years from now? Because from what you have written it sounds fairly grim and also like it would be very damaging to your daughter

Agree with others now this is in “the open” it is a pivotal moment.
Stay strong and Good luck today

Rent a flat and move out. Only way to stay sane.

First and foremost, you need to move out asap, this is no environment for you or your child. I think that he is under FOG, fear obligation and guilt. There is a book about toxic parents, look on Amazon.

PS - I would discuss with your DH the fact that money is depreciating in the bank, and you need to re-invest it in another house. Don't let this go, keep on about it. If he doesn't agree, you'll get a feeling for what's being sneakily planned for your future - living forever with the MiL and putting up with her shit because you've nowhere else to go.

If the worse comes to the worse and he stays with MIL, you move to your parents, just to get out of there, and consult a solicitor about getting your assets.

Op I was in a similar situation to u, there is a culture clash between me and mil.. she is known to be amazing person to everyone else but somehow went out of her way to break me into submission.. after a while I was stuck in self doubt and believed it was me and her strategy worked until one day it hit me real hard and I found myself to be struggling to make sense of anything ... that’s when I almost went into mental breakdown and started having panick attacks and feeling like no one was on my side...

I urge u to not get therr...

I know culturally u need to fit in with expectations and don’t want to be seen as the bad dil as a lot of these cultures blame the dil for everything ... but u can strike a balance ...

Ask ur DH to move out and if he wouldn’t then just go spend most days at ur parents house ... and if it gets too much, move back in with them and visit him when possible...

Don’t accept to move back in (if u had to) unless ur husband sets clear boundaries.. and rids you of any unfair expectations of slavery they have of you .. he knows who he married and knows ur not raised this way..

But in the meanwhile when u move out and go to ur parents, be extra nice and kind and gentle to his mother and father (especially father because he will notice it more), and that way she can’t go tell people l(she is trying to split us up as a family “without sounding like an obsessive person that she is

Expect to be blackmailed so yes cover ur bases and ask for ur share in a nice way ... sorry but if I were you I wouldn’t make it obvious what it’s about until I get my money..

Just get out. If dh follows, great, he's made his decision. If he doesn't - well, I think you'd be better off without him iif he doesn'tt follow you.

Get yoourself and both your children out of that poisonous place and away from that woman.

Your eNglish is great, ignore the gfs.

Your husband would not have been allowed to leave your MIL after FIL died. She will pull every emotional trick she can to keep him there and he sounds like he would concede very easily.
I think he will try to bargain with you to just stay until FIL dies and then he will move. He won't. She will make sure that she loads him with guilt and pressure to stay.
I think you should move out whatever he says and take your baby. If he has that place to come to that is happy and loving and argument free and he spends time with you and his child, hopefully he will move too. Be prepared for some terrible behaviour from her and possibly him being too weak to leave. She sounds appalling.

I think your dh needs to sit down with his mum and dad and tell them straight that she cant continue to treat you like this.

Its great that youre willing to move out but think the chat still needs to happen. If he doesn't stand up for you now then your marriage and family life is effectively over as he is so in the thrall of his parents. Does he want to end up like BIL?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, @Shehz21 and I agree with PPs that the situation won't improve. I work for a Christian charity that helps Central Asian women and your story is so familiar to me. You did so well to stand up to your MIL.

You need to move out ASAP and go to stay with your parents until you're able to move into your own place. With or without your DH.