To have stood up to my MIL?

[Shehz21]

Have moved into MIL's place since quite time now. Reason being,MIL and FIL are both quite poorly and FIL was diagnosed with having only a year max to live. FIL was admitted to the hosp recently to be subjected to lots of tests,scans etc.
MIL and I never got along. She is the most emotionally and verbally abusive person I have ever known in my life. She has insulted me/my family on many occasions and I have always kept quiet out of respect for my DH.
I could scrub her whole house down and make everything sparkle and she would still never be satisfied. She would still make remarks and she makes snide comments about me to anyone who will listen.
Coming back to the issue, yesterday we had visitors home who came to give moral support to her and while conversing, she kept making sly digs at me and I couldn't take it and told her that i really don't appreciate such comments. Like why on earth would she still make displeasing comments about me when all she should care about right now is FIL's health?
Well after I said that,she started a melodrama of how much she does for her family, why am I sorting out things with her when she is apparently so upset about FIL. And she started insulting me again and screamt at me to STFU. This time I couldn't keep quiet like all the other times and I screamt back DON'T YOU DARE SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT and my BIL tried to jump in to protect his DM from my outburst and I told him also where to go.
My MIL sister told my DH after the fight that If I feared my husband, I wouldn't have spoken to his mum the way i did and it would be a disgrace in society for him the way if a DIL speaks to his MiL this way. So I should tolerate whatever way my MIL wants to speak to me? Was i BU to have stood up to her? Is my MIL sister right? Am I what's considered a disgrace to the society? Am I supposed to "fear"my husband?
I love my husband and respect him but it doesn't mean I have no self respect!!
Sorry about this long post. Rant over.

Well there's no law in this a country that married couples have to live together.

How much 'looking' after is DH actually doing? Or it by any chance all down to you?

You poor thing. It is totally understandable why you snapped. Your
MiL feels threatened by your relationship with your dh. The only comfort is that she has to get her way by manipulation whereas it sounds like you and your dp have more mutual respect between each other - even if he can’t always articulate it in front of his Dm as she may throw a drama lama fainting fit. This difficult time will pass. There is no real advice other than seconding that it really is ok to be assertive and demand respect through words and actions which is what you did. People are naturally fragile in difficult times like this but that doesn’t give your MiL or her sis the right to be disrespectful to you nor to take your help and efforts for granted.

(DH) feels he should be around his DF until his last breath

And what happens after FIL passes and MIL, declaring herself unable to cope, expects to have her son constantly at her side catering to her every whim ... or worse still, you?

Just move out. That's a hideous situation and you should never have been put in it.

I totally agree with @Veterinari that after your FIL's death you could end up looking after your MIL long term.

Time for a serious chat with your DH now. Who is helping with FIL now. It could be DH, (not you, you are too busy, do you work, volunteer, have you kids - whatever you do then be very busy with that).

You mention MIL's sister, does your dh have sisters or brothers who could help?

Anyway, speak to your dh, explain that the situation is not tolerable for you. Good luck.

Honestly I’d look into moving to a small flat, you and baby, for the time being if FiL needs so much care that DH has to be there all the time. Or does he trot off to work and leave you to it during the day?

I hope you realize that if you are still there when FiL dies chances are you’ll be there forever.

Given that it’s 2018, and not 1518, can you and the baby move out and stay with your side of the family?

The disgrace, as she calls it, lies with her family. You cannot be expected to look after 4 adults and a tiny baby by yourself. Prioritize your mental health and your baby’s start in life. Your DH can fulfill his duty to his father, and work towards finding a new home for you three. He’s obviously never going to go against his mummy, but you’ll give him plenty to think about if you move out.

Tell everyone you’re worried about MIL’s mental state, she’s obviously too overwrought to have anyone but blood family around. Sound caring, but don’t go back. Let them hire in domestic help. When MIL drives them all away, your view will be better supported.

It’s actually astonishing that you sold your own home to move in with your MIL when you don’t get on. I’d really be questioning this whole set up: you and your H should be enjoying married life together and forging your own path, not blindly following someone else’s.
Can you rent somewhere near enough for your H to drop in on his parents ((note I said your H, not you!) but far enough away for you to get on with your own life?

MIL.soumds difficult to live with. She's abusive to you. Do you have DC? That isn't healthy for DC to witness. And really it's not healthy for you. Or your relationship with DH. I agree with PP that when FIL dies, you won't be allowed to leave either. And you'll have your life mapped out like this with MIL living with you. All sounds very toxic. Can you buy a house nearby so that DH can visit and help and if/when you help, you can walk out & stay away every single time she is nasty to you. "Well since it's not good enough, I shall leave now..."
I think your own place sounds like a primary need for sake of your sanity. DH won't be as bothered as he is not on receiving end. He can stay and take the flack and escape home when she turns on him. People like your MIL will find someone else to criticise if you aren't an easy sitting duck available for her potshots. Let the other SILs take the flack for a while.

@Shehz21 I was pregnant with my dd when my father died. It was a shock. But I decided there and then that my pregnancy and baby had to come first. I helped my mum etc but put my own family first.

Please make it clear to your husband that this situation cannot go on. I have idea how long your father in law will leave but I am sure he would not want his son's marriage to suffer.

I have idea no how long...

Once FIL dies even more attention will be focused on you. Where's the money from the house sale

I have no experience of the cultural expectations here but from my experience & background I would be moving out now, with or without husband.
You moved in to provide care, she doesn't appreciate the way you do that, so move out and let her organise & pay for the care she does want.
Move out before FIL passes away otherwise, as other posters said, there will be lots of emotional blackmail around staying to look after the poor bereaved widow who can't possibly be expected to manage without her son.
She may well need lots of support after her husband dies, but she has made it very clear to you and the extended family that she does not value the support you are able to provide.

Yes to moving out ASAP. You are not the right person to be providing care for your PILs. And your MIL is treating you appalling. This can’t continue and you need a raise it with your DH. A compromise could be you live separately but nearby so your DH could visit them frequently if he wants to do so.

Screamt???? Huh?

Why does your MIL have an issue with you? I'm guessing by your fairly poor English you are from a different country/culture. Could she be racist? If so, that will never be resolved so probably best to move out, sadly x

Imagine what your child will learn, growing up in that atmosphere. What a toxic environment for the child. And why did you sell your house if your living with MIL was only supposed to be TEMPORARY? That means your husband meant for this to be PERMANENT, and you will never leave the MIL you will live there forever. I don't understand why you would actually sell your house for something that was only going to be temporary. Sounds very very strange to me. If you leave, now you've go now home to go to. That was very stupid wasn't it? I can see that unless you make a change and leave right now, you will still be living with your MIL when your child enters high school. You need to go and find a new home, because you've sold your original one, or you will be raising your child in that toxic atmosphere and living with your MIL forever. You need to tell your husband all 3 of you are moving out, or the two of you - you and your child alone. DON'T raise your child in that abusive toxic atmosphere.

If you leave, now you've go now home to go to

should be

If you leave, now you've got no home to go to

Op... ur mil sees u as competition.

U must b doing so well for her to see you as such.

Her husband might die soon and so she is intensifying the competition for her son to replace him.. basically.

Hugs to you

OP that is super tough. You have a young baby, a MIL you have a fractious relationship with, the very sad and stressful illness of FIL and you're living with MIL.

Moving out would benefit you all. I'm sure DH feels enormous filial piety and responsibility to his parents at this difficult time. Moving out maybe somewhere close by so he is on hand to help would be the best compromise. MIL won't like it but she doesn't like you living with her either! At least this way you can have some space from each other and you won't end up throwing insults at her and arguing with DH - hopefully!

And no one should fear their partner or parents for that matter, respect is not fear.

No real man would allow his wife and mother of his child to be treated like that. You all need to move and your h needs to get on board.

Mil can cope or she can ask someone else to help.

This is actually a very critical point in the relationship between yourself, husband and mother in law. It’s now out in “public” ie aired clearly in the family how she treats you and how the family are happy with that. If your husband does not support you now in public, he never will and this will be one accepted behaviour of your mother in law towards you.

Your husband either needs to tell your mother in law how it is or move out. You’ll need to think carefully on this - will you go alone? Your husband may need to realise that yes, you’ll go alone if things don’t change.

From what you’ve said about your family, I’d think they would support you. Would this be correct?

Thank you all for your input and replies.
DH and I actually discussed until baby woke up for a feed at 5am..

Giraffey DH convinced me that since we have a DC now,the area where we lived was no place to raise a child and we should sell and then rent in a nicer area where we wouldn't be able to afford to buy anyways. MIL lives in that kind of area....

The money from the house sale is in DH's possession..

Abandoned you are the only one here who judged my poor english so I guess I shouldn't really bother.. and if you read through my posts I do mention I am half asian. One parent is asian and one is french. English is not my first language.

Laserbird Yes DH is definitely emotionally very weak atm but it's way too much stress on myself and our marriage. I feel I could lose my sanity and I have such a tiny baby to take care of. It's breaking my heart to write this but I feel if I have to walk away from my marriage to save my sanity and be able to take care of my marriage,at this point I would.

YummySushi I do feel like this sometimes. Like she sees me as some sort of competition. But it is so unfair to expect DH to replace her husband. DH has his own little family now. How selfish is it to expect him to forsake his family to be with her until whenever.

Salem This is indeed my biggest worry. Raising her in this kind of toxic environment. I have however had a great job with a good pay and can afford to rent without DH help or approval. Like mentioned above,his logic was to sell so we can rent in a nicer area to raise our child as our old area was actually not a really great place to raise a child...

ltalian your posts gives me a lot to strength to do the right thing for my family.. esp for DD.
Thank you.

DH's brother has been divorved 3 times and all 3 firmly say that it is only because of MIL that their marriage broke down.

Dnt mean to drip feed but MIL hates seeing DH help me out in everyday tasks and she admonishes her for this on every occasion she gets.

She admonishes him for this on every occasion she gets*

I'd have to move out. Can you afford to buy elsewhere that's nicer now? Tell your DH to stay but you're setting up a happy home for your child and he can come when he's ready

Craftynest I have already told him that if he doesn't make a decision today, I shall walk out. It will be very difficult but it will be the right thing to do. And I am definitely taking baby with me. MIL told me once "as a joke" that if I take her grandchild away, she will make sure my DH gets the custody of DD..
You can make out from her "jokes" that she is actually just a mean cow.