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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that DP took DS (2.5) out and didn't get home until 12.30am?

96 replies

Chattyhan · 24/05/2007 09:35

DP and i are going through a rough patch at the moment. He thinks our lives are dull and is considering leaving me. I'm 23 wks pregnant and DS is 2.5.

Last night i had plans to go out for dinner with friends so he was responsible for babysitting DS - it was the 1st time i'd been out in a month!

He was invited to watch the football at someones house (i don't know) and took DS with him - apparently it turned into quite a night and he text me at 11pm saying DS was still going strong. When i got home at midnight no one was home and he wouldn't answer his phone. i was worried and didn't even know where they were.

They arrived home at 12.30am DS is understandably very difficult today and i'm looking after a friends child too. DP is not working but is off playing golf.

Opinions please....
(sorry for long post)

OP posts:
Hassled · 24/05/2007 09:38

No, not being unreasonable - he needs to grow up (DP, not DS) and fast. I would be livid.

fillyjonk · 24/05/2007 09:39

oh ffs

poor you

life with young kids IS dull, sorry.

also don't think fathers ever "babysit" their own kids. if this is his attitude is not good.

Original poster
Chattyhan · 24/05/2007 09:44

because things are so difficult at the moment i don't want to have a blazing row but i think it was irresponsible, very unfair on DS, and it's making my day really hard!

OP posts:
fillyjonk · 24/05/2007 09:48

its completely daft and irresponsile

you are in the RIGHT, no question, but does that actually help?

willywonka · 24/05/2007 09:51

No, not unreasonable at all. And totally agree with fillyjonk, mums are never described as "babysitting" their own children, so why should dads be? Apart from anything else, I would have been concerned that they'd been involved in an accident and for causing you that concern alone, he was being a twunt.

Anna8888 · 24/05/2007 10:01

I know what you mean about dull. It's very easy for family life with young children to become very restricting.

However, I work really hard so that that doesn't happen. For example, I have always put my daughter (2.6) to bed at the same time as me. That way, she can come out in the evening with us and we all have a good time. Since it's also much cheaper to pay for, say, a small meal in a restaurant for her than a babysitter, its win-win. She has more fun, we have more fun, it costs less.

Generally, I work on the principle that she fits in with us rather than we fit in with her. That doesn't mean we don't do things that children do, like playgrounds, but I only go to the playgrounds I also like. I believe it's good for children to learn about the adult world early in life and not to be confined to a children's world.

HonoriaGlossop · 24/05/2007 10:14

But Anna, that's fine so long as your dd will sleep in the next day, meaning that she's had the rest she needs for her health and development...

Obviously chatty's ds has had an extremely late night and has not had enough sleep. So it was irresponsible of her dp to put them in this position; chatty is left to deal with the consequences of her dp's actions and so is the poor child!

I do agree with you Anna that it is good for a child to fit in with their parents' lives, it can be very enriching for them to see how adults operate, however that has to be balanced against the needs of the child (which obviously in your case you are doing - but it doesn't sound that that's where chatty's dp is coming from at all!)

PippiLangstrump · 24/05/2007 10:30

Anna I agree with you on children having to fit (to a point) to adults' life. that is why DD (1.10)she goes to bed at 7.30: to allow us to have adult conversations, adult time and adult fun IYSWIM.

Don't you want to have some time for yourself in the evening, or for you and DP/DH alone, or with friends?

I love to go out with DD for a meal but it is quite a different experience to going out with only adult - you can concentrate more, have a few drinks and not worry about the mess your little one is making on the table.

juuule · 24/05/2007 10:40

If it's a one-off, then I can't see what the problem is. Maybe a bit of a rough day today but then I'd hand over ds to dp when he gets in from golf. Unless he's getting in late of course and then it's not possible. But I would hand over when it is possible and get some r&r. Chances are your ds will fall asleep this afternoon.

Anna8888 · 24/05/2007 10:49

Since my daughter has always gone to bed late, she sleeps in late. So she's very well rested. Personally I love having the time to myself in the morning when she's asleep and I can have some peace and quiet...

As for time to ourselves in the evening - yes, sometimes my partner complains about that. He says that my daughter and he are both too in love with me and they have to vie for my exclusive attention. There's probably quite a bit of truth in that. When my stepsons are here, all the children tend to play together in the evening/at the weekend, so my partner and I get time to ourselves. When friends are around I tend to much prefer the ambiance when there are children about also - I have a strong antipathy to formal socialising, I'm an around-the-kitchen-table sort of girl.

PippiLangstrump · 24/05/2007 10:56

I see your point. I very much like the informal socialising as well. being Italian I am used to kids being around all the time and everywhere.

In my case though because we are always so rushed off our feet and do not have family around to give us a breather I do value and need time off for myself and DH. Especially when I give 100% to DD when she is around.

example DD has been with MIL for 2 days and although I missed her and slept with her little lion I thought it was pure bliss. DH and I felt we were back to dating.

The downside is that she wakes up early so no lie-ins for us!

Anna8888 · 24/05/2007 11:00

Pippi - it's really hard to get the balance right and I would like more time alone with my partner. However, I also like him to see my daughter in the evening (and he loves this, since he didn't get that with his stepsons when they were little). I don't have much family around for light relief - my mother-out-of-law sometimes looks after my daughter, but my daughter rather quickly gets bored by her paternal grandparents (...). She loves my parents, but they are in England. Of course, when I go there, my partner and I take full advantage of all the babysitting and hotel keeping...

Twiglett · 24/05/2007 11:02

he's an arse

Lovecat · 24/05/2007 11:03

To Chatty - your DP sounds like an irresponsible spoilt brat - sorry, I know that doesn't help, but OMG, what did he think his life would be like with children? He needs to get over himself and start acting like a man and a father.

I also hate the phrase 'babysitting' when it concerns your own children btw...

Sorry I kn ow that' s not much use to you (and DD is now sitting on me so I'd better go!)

herbiemom · 24/05/2007 11:06

YANBU - I would have been furious, especially since he's buggered off to play golf and left you to deal with the fallout - AND you're pregnant!!

Yes- life can be a bit dull with young children in that you can't stay out late and then have a lie in, you can't always go out when you want to and you might get woken up at 5am and therefore need to be in bed by 9pm most nights so you can function(or is this just me?).

But - I spent my childfree years pleasing myself and now I'm more than happy to devote a few years of my life to my children (it won't be forever)while they are very young.

IMO your partner is selfish and needs to grow up. Children = sacrifices.

Twiglett · 24/05/2007 11:06

Anna .. it might work with your 2 year old (this putting to bed late and going out in the evening) but what happens when she starts school and suddenly needs to be in bed at 7pm in order to be adequately rested

I'd just advise caution .

Saturn74 · 24/05/2007 11:11

Your partner sounds childish and selfish.
He is a father - that means it is his responsibility to put the needs of his child before his own.
And he's playing golf today? Good for him!
If he were my DP he would possibly be in A&E right now, having his sand wedge removed from his anus.

Anna8888 · 24/05/2007 11:11

Twiglett - right now, she goes to bed between 10.30 and 11.30 and gets up around 8.30. When she starts school in September she'll need to get up at 8. So I'm not very worried. More particularly as, when she doesn't have a siesta in the afternoon, she goes to bed at 8.30 and wakes up at 6 (this is hell).

Twiglett · 24/05/2007 11:13

Does she have a daytime sleep? 9 hours doesn't sound much .. my 6 year old sleeps for 11 hours (roughly) and my 3 year old for 12

but obviously you know best your own child .. long may it continue to work for your family

juuule · 24/05/2007 11:13

Why is her dp an 'arse'? He went out. He took ds with him. Ds had a great time, too (I presume). What's wrong with that? 'Babysitting' was Chatty's phrase. He's gone on a pre-arranged golf day out. The only thing I can fault him for at the moment is that he didn't answer his phone and for that I would be stomping and would make the point that I was Worried about them. But for the rest hopefully Chatty is at liberty to arrange a day out or whatever as much as her dp.

PippiLangstrump · 24/05/2007 11:13

LOL at 'you might get woken up at 5am and therefore need to be in bed by 9pm most nights so you can function'

herbiemom where you a small fly in my house this morning? maybe not as it was 4.45!

PippiLangstrump · 24/05/2007 11:15

Anna you live in the continent somewhere don't you?

that explains it as well though as when I say to my italian friend that DD goes to bed at 7.30 they are all very shocked!

Anna8888 · 24/05/2007 11:15

Chattyhan - btw, I do agree that your dp was irresponsible taking your DS out late at night without warning you and when your DS isn't used to that timetable. All I'm trying to say is, if your relationship is suffering because of children putting a damper on your fun, maybe you can re-arrange your timetable to have more fun?

dontwanttogetoutofbed · 24/05/2007 11:16

not such a big deal. at least ds and dp had some bonding time and some fun. of course they are so difficult the day after they didn't sleep but its not the end of the world. its quite boring to live off of a monotonous daily routine so no harm in messing it up here and there.

why dont' you try to show him how un-boring you can be and surprise him back

thunderhoovesthewonderhorse · 24/05/2007 11:17

Have to say, I'd go bonkers if my dds stayed up until God knows. By 5pm I am crawling towards the finishing posts...