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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry that DP took DS (2.5) out and didn't get home until 12.30am?

96 replies

Chattyhan · 24/05/2007 09:35

DP and i are going through a rough patch at the moment. He thinks our lives are dull and is considering leaving me. I'm 23 wks pregnant and DS is 2.5.

Last night i had plans to go out for dinner with friends so he was responsible for babysitting DS - it was the 1st time i'd been out in a month!

He was invited to watch the football at someones house (i don't know) and took DS with him - apparently it turned into quite a night and he text me at 11pm saying DS was still going strong. When i got home at midnight no one was home and he wouldn't answer his phone. i was worried and didn't even know where they were.

They arrived home at 12.30am DS is understandably very difficult today and i'm looking after a friends child too. DP is not working but is off playing golf.

Opinions please....
(sorry for long post)

OP posts:

Twiglett · 24/05/2007 11:17

Juule I think her DP is an arse because presumably the 2.5 year old has a routine

taking him out till 12.30 fine if he was put to bed at friends house but the comments were 'he's still going strong' meaning that a toddler was up till past midnight

there will be a knock-on effect from that for a few days

children need their sleep .. it is an important part of their development .. and it is fair enough putting him to sleep at friend's house but keeping him up as part of the entertainment and then swanning off to avoid the repurcussions

arse, arse and thrice arse

BeatrootandBenedick · 24/05/2007 11:17

I think as a one off, occasional thing it is ok. and ds can have a snooze in the day time.

herbiemom · 24/05/2007 11:17

No, Pippi - twas not me. I had the luxury of a sleep-in this morning as DS1 didn't wake us until 5.20!! I feel thoroughly spoilt and lazy!

Anna8888 · 24/05/2007 11:18

Twiglett - most days she has a nap in the afternoon, sometimes 10 minutes and sometimes 3 hours depending on how exciting her life has been. Generally on Mondays she's knackered from the weekend. She'll sleep anywhere though - bus, pushchair, on my lap in a restaurant.

Pippi - yes, I live in Paris. I know, in the UK people put children to bed much earlier than here, or other Southern European countries. Personally I try to let my daughter work out her own sleep pattern, since I firmly believe we are all very different in our sleep needs.

dontwanttogetoutofbed · 24/05/2007 11:18

my dd1 had a routine where she would go to sleep at 1030-1130 and wake up at 1030. that was super for me!
when she started going to nursery i moved it to 730 - 730.

juuule · 24/05/2007 11:19

Her dp didn't take ds out late at night. He took him to a friends to watch the match. It turned out to be a good night and ran on later than expected (is the way I'm reading it). He did let Chatty know where he was, he phoned.

Twiglett · 24/05/2007 11:20

he KEPT THE CHILD UP though

well that's the way I read the OP

arse

BeatrootandBenedick · 24/05/2007 11:20

Twig - does it really really matter?

Twiglett · 24/05/2007 11:23

If DH took my kids to someone else's house and he had a great night .. GREAT

if he didn't put them to bed at 'someone else's house' and kept them up till past midnight as some form of entertainment I would RIP HIS FECKIN' HEAD OFF (and probably spit in his neck)

because that is cruel to the children

by all means have a great time, but put what's best for the kids first

so YES beat it DOES MATTER .. a LOT

PippiLangstrump · 24/05/2007 11:23

herbiemum I feel the luckiest thing on hearth ATM: DD has been sleeping since 9.30... I consider this pure pure bliss especially on a day where I have also NO chores to do!!!!

Routines are there to be occasionally broken, by kids and by parents when it is suitable - after all sometimes these times are the one you remember for years!

juuule · 24/05/2007 11:24

Twigglet - once in a while can be fun and a break from everyday stuff. Okay it might mess things up temporarily but it's not the end of the world and the benefits can outweigh the temporary mess-up. We've done it with our children at family "do's" and everything settles back to normal. As long as it's not happening all the time and Chatty is being left then I can't see that any harm's done. Chatty got her night out, dp got to watch the match with friends and his son, ds probably had a whale of a time. What's the problem?

juuule · 24/05/2007 11:25

Why is it cruel to children? If the child was tired then nothing on God's earth would have kept him awake. I know, I've tried at times.

Anna8888 · 24/05/2007 11:27

Personally I think that over-adherence to routine is cruel to children and parents. Routine is so dull... I like structure, though.

Original poster

Chattyhan · 24/05/2007 11:27

Thanks for all the opinions.

I would never dream of taking DS out late with me. I don't know why. I don't know where i'd go - none of my friends would suggest socialising with the kids in tow. We have a routine that DS goes to bed at 7.30 and i don't have a social life because of that. Maybe we should do it more! Maybe it would help our relationship issues. But if DS will be as grumpy as he is today i can't see the appeal!

I'm angry that he put his plans first - above DS's needs.

Interestingly he was with Italian friends whose children were also up late - he's only known them 2 weeks and i've never met them.

OP posts:

Twiglett · 24/05/2007 11:29

we'll never agree on this

kids need a routine .. staying up an extra couple of hours is fine .. but I would assume the normal bedtime for a 2 year old is around 7.30 at the latest .. so he was kept up for 5 hours .. I think that's really crap parenting personally and I won't change my mind on it

and yes my kids also have the odd nights out of the routine .. but they're normally in bed by 10.30 on those nights (if there's no bed there / we can't make one) or they are put into friend's bed around 9 .. and they do fall asleep there no matter how 'interesting' the adults may be

Saturn74 · 24/05/2007 11:29

His actions show a lack of respect for his partner, in that he kept their child up too late, she is being 'very difficult today', and his partner has to deal with the fall out whilst looking after another child as well.
If he kept the child up late, and was helping his partner look after her today instead of being off on a golf jolly, that would be less objectionable, IMO.

mozhe · 24/05/2007 11:30

Why on earth isn't the o/p out playing golf,( or equivalent...), and the DP minding the toddler...

thunderhoovesthewonderhorse · 24/05/2007 11:30

I think it's kind of vaguely forgivable as a one off, although if my dh did this I would initially hit the roof.

What does concern me slightly is her dp's attitude towards his children... this episode seems to reflect his unwillingness to compromise and make personal sacrifices for them.

HenriettaHippo · 24/05/2007 11:31

I think DP was totally unreasonable. My DS (3) doesn't cope with late nights very well at all. If this had been agreed in advance, then all well and good, and I've nothing against "one-off" late nights (although don't tend to do them unless it's for something special, as DS is so cross the next day - and something special wouldn't include DH watching footie with his mates..).

Having a late routine with your children is fine if that's what they're used to, but IME if they aren't used to that, then a really late night like this can throw them for days, and you need to be ready to deal with it the next day. Instead, Chatty came home before them, has someone else's child to look after as well today, and has no help from DP. And she's 23 weeks pregnant.

Sorry Chatty, but it sounds like last night was maybe a symptom of the relationship not being on track right now. Life can be dull with small children who need to sleep for 12 hours a night. My advice is to hire a babysitter, or ask a friend to sit, so you can go out together.

Saturn74 · 24/05/2007 11:31

sorry - it's a DS, not a DD - getting two posters muddled up.

thunderhoovesthewonderhorse · 24/05/2007 11:33

Agree with Twig and HC.

oliveoil · 24/05/2007 11:33

well

depends on what was happening at this other house

if it was football, I imagine lots of drinking, smoking and swearing (or is that just here ?)

so I guess that isn't a place for a toddler

HOWEVER, if they toned things down, I can imagine a toddler being THRILLED to be up with his dad and friends. And being excited would keep him awake

I think the issue here is that a) you are not getting on and b) you are pregnant and deserve more consideration

I think a sit down and a long chat is in order

Twiglett · 24/05/2007 11:34

BeatrootandBenedick · 24/05/2007 11:37

Twig I cannot agree here.

occasional night out with daddy - he feels special.

no harm done.

Every night or regular - perhaps not a good idea.

My kids regularly stay up until past midnight in the holidays and as far as I am aware are doing perfectly well!

HenriettaHippo · 24/05/2007 11:37

Twiglett, I'm with you on this one. DS is so tired by 7 that he often asks to go for a bath and a story around 6 - that isn't cruelty by sticking rigidly to a routine, it's listening to my child's needs. He'd be in pieces by midnight. And he's not an early riser, usually awake around 7 am, sometimes 6.30, sometimes 8.

I'm a firm believer in children needing lots of sleep to help their brains digest what they've seen and experienced during the day, and to help them rest and grow. I find the later DS goes to bed, the more likely he is to wake early as well.

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