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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that DP took DS (2.5) out and didn't get home until 12.30am?

96 replies

Chattyhan · 24/05/2007 09:35

DP and i are going through a rough patch at the moment. He thinks our lives are dull and is considering leaving me. I'm 23 wks pregnant and DS is 2.5.

Last night i had plans to go out for dinner with friends so he was responsible for babysitting DS - it was the 1st time i'd been out in a month!

He was invited to watch the football at someones house (i don't know) and took DS with him - apparently it turned into quite a night and he text me at 11pm saying DS was still going strong. When i got home at midnight no one was home and he wouldn't answer his phone. i was worried and didn't even know where they were.

They arrived home at 12.30am DS is understandably very difficult today and i'm looking after a friends child too. DP is not working but is off playing golf.

Opinions please....
(sorry for long post)

OP posts:
BeatrootandBenedick · 24/05/2007 11:38

OO- yes agree with all you said

Original poster
Chattyhan · 24/05/2007 11:38

I just don't understand why it was so imprtant for him to go out when he's been out 6/7 nights in the last 2 weeks! Why couldn't he stay in! why do i have to deal with a grumpy difficult DS and he's off having fun. I don't think it's fair.

As for relationship suggestions - DS is going to MIL for the weekend so we can try and sort things out - but his doubts have really made me wonder if i want a selfish, inconsiderate DP who goes out all the time.

OP posts:
PippiLangstrump · 24/05/2007 11:38

if it was italians he was with I doubt there there was nuch drinking tbh.

PippiLangstrump · 24/05/2007 11:41

chattyhan you should arrange to go out exactly the same amount of time.

we have roughly one night a week each in which I go see my mates and him his. it is obviously not a strickt rule but I'd hit the roof if he even dares stay out every other day. I think it is respect really.

why could he go out all this nights while you put the kids to bed etc???

Blu · 24/05/2007 11:43

Once in a blue moon, on a 'special' night out, it's fine. And last night was some major kind of footie match, wasn't it?

I'd look at the balance of childcare and who gets timne off in general, though. It sounds as if DH gets more than his fair share, and you, less.

oliveoil · 24/05/2007 11:43
Original poster
Chattyhan · 24/05/2007 11:44

As for the relationship he says i'm dull and boring - yes because i'm in all the time looking after DS and the house and cooking and cleaning with no help and i'm tired!

He says i nag him - thats because he doesn't do anything to help and when he does he doesn't do it properly because he's lazy and hopes i won't ask him again.

He says i'm no fun when he stays in - well because of how busy i am and pregnant i'm tired and also jealous of the carefree life he has.

the reason we have problems is because he's not here to have a relationship with!

Why does he think it's me who has to change in his words 'get a life'.

Can he not see he needs to change and is in fact the cause of the problem!

OP posts:
Blu · 24/05/2007 11:46

All the kids on DPs side of the family stay up alte or very late on family occasions - it's cultural, it would be considered most odd to remove the kids and put them to bed. The kids get used to staying up without getting tired, and crucially, sleeping in the next morning or catching up the next day. All the kids on my side of the family (including me wheni was little) have had strictly observed bedtimes. i now cannot sleep in late in the mornoings, and all are terrible if their rutine gets broken. DPs family find it easy to be v flexible without geting ratty. It's no bad thing, imo!

oliveoil · 24/05/2007 11:46

you need to tell him all of this

but not in an acusing manner "you focker, you never mop the floor" etc

but try and do it calmly

say "I feel" instead of "you make me" etc

then he doesn't feel picked on

works in this house

Blu · 24/05/2007 11:48

Chattyhan - honesty, i htink everything you have spoted in that latest post are more important than the one late night - and you have grounds to be aggrieved - really you do. Somehow he needs to adjust his attitude, understanding and maturity. But how?

Original poster
Chattyhan · 24/05/2007 11:50

oliveoil - i've tried this and essentially he doesn't care how i feel.

it's been over a week since he said he was thinking of leaving and blurted out all this stuff about life being crap and not what he wants and i'm now living in limbo where i just let him do what he wants and keep quiet, while he makes up his mind what he's going to do.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 24/05/2007 11:51

It's unfair and unsustainable if your DP goes out almost every night without you. Nights out apart ought IMO to be quite infrequent compared to nights out together. You ought to be spending most evenings together in one shape or form, unless one of you is away for work.

Why don't you instigate a revolution in your household? Shake everything up? Could be so much fun...

Original poster
Chattyhan · 24/05/2007 11:52

i feel i'm not in control of my own life and he can ruin all my hope and dreams in one selfish move. He just doesn't see my point of view.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chattyhan · 24/05/2007 11:53

Anna - what do you suggest in means of a revolution - we've very little money and i'm 23 wks pregnant!

OP posts:
bozza · 24/05/2007 11:54

I'm with twig here. Yes, keep your DC up on special occasions. But if he is the one who kept his son up for 5 hours, he should be the one who is dealing with the fallout the next day, not his pg partner. And how special an occasion is Liverpool loosing to AC Milan anyway?

I kept my children up last night. They are both usually in bed for 7.30. But DS (6) was in bed for 8.30 and DD (3) for 9. This was because I took them to meet their newborn cousin and had to wait until after school. The reason DD was asleep later is because she slept for about 1 hour in the car on the way over.

I think hols are different because you can gradually alter the routine, have siestas etc.

BeatrootandBenedick · 24/05/2007 11:57

The real issue is not your son being out late, it is your lack of communication and understanding eachothers needs.

BeatrootandBenedick · 24/05/2007 11:57

what would he like you to do?

bozza · 24/05/2007 11:58

Sorry, it has moved on. chattyhan he is being selfish and inconsiderate. Not sure what to advise.

Anna lots and lots of couples go out more seperately than together. I have been out with DH twice this year (both this month as it happens). I have been out without him many more times. It is a babysitting issue.

Anna8888 · 24/05/2007 12:00

Rethink the way you organise your day/your home/what you do with your time. It doesn't actually have to cost a penny.

Why don't you start by writing down (for yourself) how your life is organised so that you actually become fully conscious of the way you live? And then, once it's written down, start to play with it... change the time you do things, where you shop, which playground you take your child to, sort out all your possessions and change where they are in the house...

Just physically changing your environment can shake you out of a rut and get you moving again.

Dragonhart · 24/05/2007 12:00

I think what would p*iss me off is that fact that chatty didnt know that was what he was going to do. If I had left DH with the los and knew he was going out with them, I would feel like I knew what was going on and could make sure they had everything he needed.

But to come home and not know where they were would really scare me.

If I left DH thinking that he was putting dc to bed like normal, then I would expect him to ring and talk to me if he decided to go out. I would do the same to him. Have to say, I dontthink I would want him to or would do it myself as my ds really struggles if he doesnt get enough sleep and I dont think it is fair on him just to watch a bit of footie, but then I hate football . I have kept them up late if we are occationally visiting friends far away or when we drive down to inlaws but then they sleep in the car.

I do think a night out with his dad is ok but as someone else said, hope thety were careful with toddlers about.

So no, not unreasonable.

Anna8888 · 24/05/2007 12:01

bozza - I addressed that issue earlier - take the children with you.

motherinferior · 24/05/2007 12:01

I don't get out much with my partner, and in some ways yes this bothers me (he's really rather nice, I always remember, on those rare occasions when we manage to enveigle a friend into babysitting); but in others, why should it? He's there ffs, if I want to talk to him I can. It's my other friends I don't see enough of.

We had a very nice evening with friends last night. He was out with one of his, I was in with one of mine.

Twiglett · 24/05/2007 12:02

I think you should consider Relate (if he is willing to try)

he sounds rather childish, like he's committed to a family and wants out and to go back to his previous life .. well tough shit buster, you can't

how about, on a positive note, you suggest he invites his new italian friends round to yours for a sunday barbecue or similar and you get a bit of social life too?

motherinferior · 24/05/2007 12:02

Hang on, back to the OP: I do very much think, in the context of your relationship, that he's being unreasonable.

But I also think it shouldn't be up to you to sort it all out!

Original poster
Chattyhan · 24/05/2007 12:03

never moan at him or get on his back about things i need help with - difficult when i mowed the lawn myself this morning because it hasn't been done for a month and the kids can't play out there! I've asked him politely, made jokes about how it looks like a jungle, begged him to get it done because i want to be out there while the weathers good - and he still didn't do it - i've now got backache!

He wants a more adventurous sex life - i'm prepared to try but i'm pregnant and essentially i feel after a long time with the same partner things will be a bit samey!

To be able to go out whenever he wants no questions asked - like he has been doing the last couple of weeks.

I just don't think this is fair or condusive (sp?) to family life!

OP posts: