To be angry that DP took DS (2.5) out and didn't get home until 12.30am?

[Chattyhan]

DP and i are going through a rough patch at the moment. He thinks our lives are dull and is considering leaving me. I'm 23 wks pregnant and DS is 2.5.

Last night i had plans to go out for dinner with friends so he was responsible for babysitting DS - it was the 1st time i'd been out in a month!

He was invited to watch the football at someones house (i don't know) and took DS with him - apparently it turned into quite a night and he text me at 11pm saying DS was still going strong. When i got home at midnight no one was home and he wouldn't answer his phone. i was worried and didn't even know where they were.

They arrived home at 12.30am DS is understandably very difficult today and i'm looking after a friends child too. DP is not working but is off playing golf.

Opinions please....
(sorry for long post)

But my children need to be up at 7 in the week, so I class 8.30 as a late night for them.

No it is not fair or inclusive. I think twig is right about Relate, but suspect he won't be very up for it.

how do you feel about him? (heard rather a lot about how he feels and what he doesn't want) but how do you feel?

He won't do relate. Too expensive and he doesn't do counselling.

I keep saying i can't make things better all on my own and if he essentially doesn't even want to try what can i do?

bozza - we don't particularly go out during the week, so it's not an issue - not only the children, but also my partner, needs a peaceful evening and a good night's sleep in order to perform the next day (big responsible job and just had 42nd birthday...).

I still think that if couples spend more evenings apart than together and use each other as babysitting, there are big problems ahead.

Well until last week - i loved him very much and thought i'd spend the rest of my life with him. Whilst i acknowledged he was a bit carefree i thought over time he'd settle into family life - wouldn't want to be out so much. I didn't realise he hated our life. I thought it was fine we tried for baby2 together for 7 months and he proposed in March.

He's since said - he proposed due to expectation and family pressure and as a way to revive the relationship and he thought baby2 would make me happy although he wasn't keen and now says he doesn't want this baby.

So now i feel?

Angry that i've been fooled into important decisions in my life. Upset he's rejecting me and the person i am - he wants me to be something i'm not. Bitter he could be so selfish as to cause all this stress and worry when i'm pregnant.

And i seriously doubt our future - he is not the person he led me to believe.

Agree about one offs not being a problem. My dd was out with me last night for the football at a family party. She went to bed at 11:30pm.
She had a brilliant time, loved the party atmosphere, getting to see everyone, novelty of staying up past bedtime etc.
But my dd is 6, not 2, and although she'll be a bit tired today, an early night tonight and she'll be fine.
I think I would have a problem with this situation though, her ds is only 2, 12:30am is very late for him to go to bed. No problem with staying up a bit late on occasion but surely he could have come home when the football finished to get ds to bed? late maybe but not ridiculously late.
Without a doubt he should be there to help with the fallout of the late night too. Leaving Chatty to do it alone is not on.

Chattyhan I'm sorry but it sounds like you need to decide whether you want to live with the kind of person he is or not. I doubt very much that he is ever going to change , and I don't think it is going to change much if you sit down again and you explain to him how you feel. He is never going to understand/he does not want to understand.

maisemor - i know you're right! i'm just so angry today because of last night and sick of him doing whatever he wants regardless of me or DS.

Wish I could help, would a BIG HUG help!!?

Surely he could have invited the friends round to your house so your ds could have gone too bed, very selfish indeed!

Thanks for the BIG HUG!

I just think he could have said i'm sorry can't make it i'm in with my son tonight!

I don't exactly know who he's out with and when but i'm pretty sure he's met up with this group several times this week!

Is there any way i can make him see how unreasonable he's being?

I think it's impossible to be out most nights and have a great relationship and home life - the two can't co exist IMO

For what it is worth I do think he is being unreasonable in the whole him not answering the phone, and I do understand how panicky you must have felt when they weren't there when you got home and then did not answer his phone.

I once broke my hubby's phone because I felt there was absolutely no use in him having one as everytime I try phoning him to let him know that I'll be late home could he pick up the kids or the like he does not answer, and all I get is uhhh but I did not hear it. I got so angry the last time that I threw the phone down on the floor, and now it does not work ups .

But then you just end up having to pay for another phone for him .

I think the not-answering-the-phone bit is the worst offence, becasue that must have been very frightening for the OP. However, a life that consists of nothing more than housework, childcare and watching television would bore me to death, as well. If you've tried suggesting that more fun would be an option if he helped more around the house, and that didn't work, here's a better option. Abandon all housework but the absolute essential minimum (clean clothes and dishes and putting the rubbish out) and book in time to do interesting things, either with a babysitter for DCs and the two of you going out, or going out somewhere fun as a family. The idea that parenthood means nothing but dull drudgery is rubbish: a life without fun is acutally deeply unhealthy.

The problem seems to be that he doesn't want to spend time with me either in the house or out! I've suggested many options for things to do fri night and he's just not interested! I finally got him to agree to the cinema but when i asked him which cinema i should check times at he said 'why don't you go to one and i go to the other' and laughed!

That's just nasty Chattyhan .

Chattyhan it does sound as though there's more going on here than just one late night. But when someone posts about issues with their partner and seems to feel that everything that is wrong is the partner's fault, and therefore the partner is the one who has to change, well I always ask myself what's actually in it for the partner? Your posts really do sound as though you want him to stay at home, do chores and go to bed early, because that's what you do _ well that isn't a life that's much fun for you iether, and it's not compulsory. Can't you agree a compromise to the extent that (most important of all) you get time out to go and see friends, do what you want to do. I appreicate that as you're pregnant you probably don't want to go clubbing till dawn, but a saturday afternoon, say, of indulging yourself in whatever your favourite treats are, will not only do you good but might help you look at the situation with a different perspective.

madamez - i do understand what you're saying but essentially i want him to share the chores to give us more time to have fun. I don't have a lot of friends to do stuff with so don't really want to be out very much - they all have families they are commited to and i usually meet up with them during the day not the evening - i don't know anyone who would accompany me to the pub for example. I'm trying to extend my interests and friends by joining a pregnancy yoga class and maybe an evening course once things are settled with the new baby. At the moment i can't rely on DP to be here to let me go out and by the time i've done the chores/childcare on my own i'm exhausted and ready for bed. He also isn't interested in doing things with me - when i suggest we go out together he's reluctant and won't let me mix with his friends. He says i'm too stuck up and don't get on with them - well he has to give me a chance!!!! There was one example where we went to visit a collegue of his and their family and the boys disappeared off and left me and the other woman at the house - we just had absolutely nothing in common. I got on fine with the collegue just not his girlfriend and apparently that's why i can't meet his friends! I think it's ridiculous and suggested that if the men didn't go off and we all did something together it would be fine.

Ah, right. I do see a bit more now. I wonder if one or both of you is recreating childhood patterns where Men do all the big fun important things and Women do all the picking up and taking care, and aren't allowed to join in the men's conversations. With regard to the chores, make a list of what needs to be done per week and how much time each tthing takes. Then cross off anything that isn't important. Then assign him enough of the list to consume half the time and try to make sure that if the tasks assigned to him don;t get done then he's the one most inconvenienced.
Then leave him with the DCs and go out and do something nice :-)

hi chattyhan, i didnt realize that was your new thread until you posted on the pregnancy section.

it sounds like the more your story develops, the more it seems he just wants out of family life and commitments. and you seem to have known this, but hoped he would change. but he hasnt changed... and now the question lies on what the chances are the he will embrace the family life.

as you know im pregnant too, and probably your husband would find me very boring at the moment too. to start with, my libido is almost 0 at the moment, and my husband has a high sexual drive. i like going out but i can only do it for few hours here and there, since im getting tired quite easily. and my going out at the moment is quite tamed as well, nothing too radical. the difference is that my husband understands all that and has been very supportive. if he turned around and called me boring, i would be at loss because i just cant do much else at the moment! i also feel my life is out of my control, since pregnancy has taken over me. we dont have other children, but i can only imagine how trapped i would feel if i were in your position.

what im saying here by putting myself in your shoes, is that you are entitled to feel as you are, its not just hormones, and i do think life has brought you a lot to deal with at the moment. i do hope you stay strong as you've been and we will be here to support you.

(even though i dont have children it seemed ridiculous to me that he kept your ds up until so late)

Hi Chattyhan
No wonder you were upset - you don't know what the future holds for your family and then you come home to find your partner and DS not there. Whatever people think about routine/no routine/early bedtimes/late bedtimes that is a horrible thing to experience.

But it's obviously about much more than that. I agree he's being an arse, particularly in the way he is going about things, but I also agree with Anna and Madamez that perhaps you need to shake things up a bit. What did you used to enjoy doing together? Can you do that again? Or something new? DH and I did Salsa classes for a while - we were crap and it wasn't really our thing, but it did get us out of the house once a week, having to concentrate on dance steps so not able to talk about domestic things and most of all having a laugh together.

If he won't say what he wants to do then book something for both of you - try something new each week until you find something. Sometimes stuff you like, sometimes stuff he likes.

I think Madamez advice on chores is spot on too. My experience is that rather than nagging or doing it myself and sulking I turn it into a problem for DH to solve: 'These are the things we need to get done each week, how do you think we can share then out so we have time for fun too?' If you are putting DS to bed then he makes dinner (or the other way round if you are looking after DS all day). Also do less. I shop on line, which saves loads of time (and money because I don't get tempted to go off list). I don't iron. I only clean when absolutely essential. DH is a grown man and can clean up after himself, but when we were first living together and he hadn't quite realised this I used to put all of his stuff in a pile and leave it for him to deal with.

Relate has a sliding scale of fees and may cost less than you think. It may be worth starting to go on your own (which you can do). If nothing else it may help you work out what you want yourself rather than waiting to hear what your DP plans to do.

I don't know whether he will change or not - some people do, and some men take a few years to realise that being a father is going to mean changes. Is he quite young? God knows childishness isn't the preserve of younger men, but it may be that he just needs a few years to grow up a bit.