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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD has just been brought home by the police

39 replies

LM1970 · 20/06/2018 23:36

I’m absolutely heartbroken for her.

She has had a boyfriend for about 9 months- her first ever. I’m talking she’s lost her virginity to him, first kiss- the lot. She’s 22.

Me and DH have met him once. DH felt uneasy about him but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. I guess now we know.

DH dropped DD in town about 7pm for drink with her boyfriend. Got a text at 9pm to say she was staying over and not to wait up for her (she’s lost her house keys, not staying up to be nosy!)

Anyway next thing we know we see a police car pull up outside- DD gets out the back looking very upset. Apparently her and her boyfriend had a argument, DD went to get in a taxi to leave and her boyfriend followed her out arguing with her and the police drove past and stopped. He’s slapped her and kicked her in the stomach.

Opened the door to DD running upstairs telling us both to “fuck off” (all DH said was what’s happened love?) and lovely policeman was left to explain. BF has been arrested apparently as he got aggressive with the police.

Very worried right now because DD has a history of depression and has self harmed in the past and planned a suicide attempt. I’ve hidden all the razors in the bathrooms and the kitchen knives. Cupboards with medicines/bleach in are locked anyway as we have small children.

Knocked on the door with a brew and toast five minutes ago and asked if I could come and could just hear her sobbing to leave her alone.

OP posts:

lineyturner · 20/06/2018 23:48

Oh how awful for you all.

Just be there. That's all you can do for now?

itsBritneyBeach · 20/06/2018 23:48

You sound like a lovely parent, and I'm very, very sorry to hear what's happened to your DD.

She must be heartbroken, but it's important for her to know that this is not her fault and all relationships shouldn't be like that, but from her reaction I assume she already knows.

She will talk to you in time, and you should just keep being as you are, and let her know that you're there for her. I hope she feels better soon

PoppyJ1 · 21/06/2018 00:14

Oh the poor girl. I agree with it'sBritney, it sounds like you and your DH are lovely parents and you're handling it well so far being supportive and kind.

Your poor girl will of course be distraught but it's a blessing she didn't end up married to him or with his child. So pleased he's shown his true colours in front of police and has been arrested.

All the very best to you and your girl.

Rocinante1 · 21/06/2018 00:16

I’ve kind of been there. For me, it wasn’t the first time he behaved like that, it was just the first time he was ever caught as no one had seen it before. I was angry with people because I was embarrassed that they knew. I was embarassed that they now knew I’d let someone treat me that way and hadn’t left; I thought I’d just get a lot of “why did you let him” comments. Make it clear to her that this isn’t her fault, that you don’t blame her for staying, and that she has nothing to feel embarrassed about.

Mabelface · 21/06/2018 00:17

Whilst she's devastated at what's happened, she's also probably deeply embarrassed and will likely be protective. If she'll let you in, just go and give her a hug without saying anything about the arse hole she's been dating.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/06/2018 00:19

She'll be hurt and embarrassed; and probably confused. Let her calm down for a bit; and then try and find a neutral ground - take her a drink or something and see if she wants to talk? She might not be ready to discuss this yet.

LighthouseSouth · 21/06/2018 00:24

I understand she doesn't want to talk but could you just say through the door if she wants or needs medical attention, but reassure her you won't ask questions at the moment?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/06/2018 00:40

Oh, your poor DD, and poor you.

Emotionally I can understand her wanting to be left alone, of course, but it is so hard on you. Can you sit by her door quietly so she can't hear you? It just feels to me she might really want to talk, but doesn't feel able to and doesn't know how to start the conversation.

heresyandwitchcraft · 21/06/2018 00:56

Oh no, I am so sorry. What an awful situation.

I don't have good advice, but if you're worried about the boyfriend controlling DD, this resource published by Women's Aid might be helpful as a reference in the longer run.

1q7dqy2unor827bqjls0c4rn-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/Controlling-Behaviour-in-Relationships-talking-to-young-people-about-healthy-relationships.pdf

Dinoraw · 21/06/2018 01:10

Has she let you in OP? I'm too tired to read past the first page so things could be different now. Just be her comfort, that's all she needs x

Italiangreyhound · 21/06/2018 01:44

Oh your poor daughter.

And so sorry for you too.

I hope all will be well.

Monty27 · 21/06/2018 01:50

I am so sorry op that's horrible for all of you.
I hope he gets his commupance

Arum51 · 21/06/2018 02:35

22 is a bit old to have your first kiss. Are you okay to give us some background on this? She sounds like a very vulnerable young woman, who needs assertive support.

Obviously, not trying to pry, but this actually sounds really serious. If he's attacking her in public, even in front of the police, then he has no boundaries at all.

adoggymama · 21/06/2018 04:26

Hi OP this sounds awful! I'm sorry for your daughter. Have you considered she could be pregnant? (the kick in the stomach aspect). It may be a good idea to talk to her in case, just for her and potential baby's health.

stayathomer · 21/06/2018 04:33

22 is a bit old to have your first kiss I think did op maybe mean she's 22 and he was her first kiss, as in years ago?

Obviouspretzel · 21/06/2018 06:00

No, she's been with him for 9 months.

Weezol · 21/06/2018 06:15

If she's still awake and not wanting to open the door, I'd make her a fresh cuppa and toast and tuck a note under the toast saying something along the lines of 'We can talk about this whenever you like - we'll go at your pace so I won't ask you lots of questions. I just want to know you are ok, me and dad love you very much and you have our support no matter what."

Knock gently at the door saying 'I'm leaving this by your door and going back downstairs/wherever now" and do as you've said - check back after maybe half an hour to see if it's gone.

BirthdayKake · 21/06/2018 06:21

Sorry, no advice but what a lovely mum you are, OP. I'd do anything for a mum like that.

MaverickSnoopy · 21/06/2018 06:32

Sounds like she's been fairly open with your about the relationship if you know they've had sex? I was just trying to work out how much of a private person she is and how likely she'd want to discuss it. I was quite private and was and old 18 when I lost my virginity - no way I would have wanted to discuss this with my parents. So coming from that angel I would put a note under her door saying how much you love her and want to give her a big cuddle and that you just want to be there for her. She could be worried that you'll say she needs to split up with him. Obviously she does. When I was 19 I went out with a guy who was no good (been in prison and cheated on me with a stripper) but I didn't want to split up with him. I wanted to do better so that he would want to be with me. I cringe now buy I was young and seeking his approval.

What I'm trying to get at is that you might not get the response from her that you're expecting. I hope she's OK and that she sees that she's no good for her. 9 months is a long time when it's your first.

billybagpuss · 21/06/2018 07:07

Morning OP hope things settled down for you last night and you were all able to get some sleep.

I'll second what Snoopy said, be prepared for her to not want to leave him. The first boyfriend is a difficult one to get over and certainly with my DD he was a fairly controlling guy and I always got the feeling that he could have been violent, but it was the concept of the relationship that she wanted rather than the relationship itself, so it took us along time before she was prepared to listen to what we thought of him. It is a decision she has to reach on her own and no matter how much sense you are talking, until she's ready she won't want to hear it.

Hopefully she'll wake up and announce to the world she never wants to see the bastard again in her life. Fingers crossed for that one for you.

ElMarineroBaila · 21/06/2018 07:14

Wtf does her having her first kiss "late" have to do with anything. What a stupid point to focus on, you do realise there are lifelong celibate people in existence don't you?

As PPs have said, just her knowing you're there for her is the best thing you can do. She obviously doesn't feel up to talking about it yet, so just let her know the door is always open so to speak and she'll come to you when she's ready. I'm sorry she's going through this. What a bastard.

French2019 · 21/06/2018 07:16

Your poor dd. You sound like a lovely mum.

Troels · 21/06/2018 07:19

Poor thing, I hope she's feeling a bit better this morning.
What a rat he is.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/06/2018 07:26

Hope things have calmed down a bit OP, you must be in bits.💐

Churrolicious · 21/06/2018 07:34

Your poor DD. Hopefully she's feeling a bit calmer this morning and you can have a chat.

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