DD has just been brought home by the police

[LM1970]

I’m absolutely heartbroken for her.

She has had a boyfriend for about 9 months- her first ever. I’m talking she’s lost her virginity to him, first kiss- the lot. She’s 22.

Me and DH have met him once. DH felt uneasy about him but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. I guess now we know.

DH dropped DD in town about 7pm for drink with her boyfriend. Got a text at 9pm to say she was staying over and not to wait up for her (she’s lost her house keys, not staying up to be nosy!)

Anyway next thing we know we see a police car pull up outside- DD gets out the back looking very upset. Apparently her and her boyfriend had a argument, DD went to get in a taxi to leave and her boyfriend followed her out arguing with her and the police drove past and stopped. He’s slapped her and kicked her in the stomach.

Opened the door to DD running upstairs telling us both to “fuck off” (all DH said was what’s happened love?) and lovely policeman was left to explain. BF has been arrested apparently as he got aggressive with the police.

Very worried right now because DD has a history of depression and has self harmed in the past and planned a suicide attempt. I’ve hidden all the razors in the bathrooms and the kitchen knives. Cupboards with medicines/bleach in are locked anyway as we have small children.

Knocked on the door with a brew and toast five minutes ago and asked if I could come and could just hear her sobbing to leave her alone.

How are things this morning OP? Hope you're all ok xx

Your DD is lucky to have good supportive parents.

On a practical note, you mention she has lost her keys - Is there any chance the controlling boyfriend has got them? If so you might want to change the locks.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. You sound like a lovely parent.

Although it shouldn't, DV often leads to feelings of shame and embarrassment in the victim. I expect that's why she doesn't want to talk to you yet.

You are doing the right thing just letting her know you are there for her. Hopefully she will feel ready to talk to you soon

Hi everyone. Thanks for messages of support.

DD is still in bed watching films with DS2 and DD2. Won’t talk about anything and don’t really want to push her..

DH said the same about her house keys and has already changed the locks 👍🏻.

Oh the poor love. I guess she's got to deal with it in her head before talking to you about it. But you sound lovely parents.

As for the isn't she a bit old for a first kiss at 21/22. A lots of girls now just aren't interested in kissing or sex until much older these days. My dd certainly isn't interested and she's almost 19. Perfectly normal in the 21st century.

This probably isn't the first time he has behaved this way and she is most likely embarrassed.

I would get in touch with women's aid and look up the freedom project.

I've been in an abusive relationship and went back to him a few times, don't tell her what she can and cannot do because this is likely to go back to him or get ideas.

Lots of ice cream and shopping!

How is everything OP? I hope she's feeling a bit better x

How are things this morning xx

You sound so lovely! Bless her she must be so upset... don't really have any useful advice but I'm sure someone will x

Hope things are ok.

If you're still checking this thread, you might find www.freedomprogramme.co.uk helpful if you're not already familiar. It's information, not therapy, so you might find it helpful for you and your husband to do first (there is an online version your husband could do, as the group courses are women only). I would recommend it for her too, but she'll need to be ready and willing to go.

One of the key points of Freedom is that they will never tell a woman she has to leave. They provide her with the information she needs to make sense of what has happened or is happening, how it's affected her, what life will be like if she leaves, and how she can spot the warning signs in the future. If a woman asks for support in leaving they will signpost, but not unless asked.

It can be really hard to hear, and lots of women take several attempts to complete the course, or repeat it because they couldn't take it in the first time. (I did it twice.)

It operates on a 12 week rolling programme, so you can go until you've attended each of the 12 sessions, or stop and come back to it. You don't have to share anything about yourself or your life, you can just listen. I barely spoke a word when I first went. There is no standing up in front of everyone to share your life story. It's not that kind of thing.

Freedom gave me the courage to leave and the ability to picture a future. It terrified me at first, but became my safe place.

You mentioned this is her first relationship, so you may also want to read up a bit on trauma bonding to help you understand how she may be affected.

As others have said, she needs to be able to reach her own decision. Abusers take your control away, having other people start telling you what to do as well just makes you shut down - when you've got one person controlling your life, it doesn't feel great to have more people butting in and trying to do the same.

I'm glad she's got you there to support her.

Unfortunately you need to be prepared both for her to blame herself and for her not to break up with him. You and your DH might want to have a plan in place for what to do if she keeps seeing him. Women’s Aid may have some advice on how to be supportive of her without supporting the relationship - you don’t want to tell her ‘not while you live under my roof’ and promptly have her move in with him.

One good thing (if anything about this situation can be called good) is that as he’s attacked her in the street in front of the police and probably on CCTV, it shouldn’t matter whether or not she cooperates with a prosecution - they should have enough without her evidence.

Poor girl - I imagine she must be very hurt, embarrassed and confused this morning and just wants to bury herself into movies and not think about anything. I get it. Don't push her, but let her know you are ready when she is, no pressure. You sound a lovely family and very supportive. Good luck to you all

How awful for you all. For what it's worth I think you and DH sound like you're absolutely doing the right thing not pressuring her to talk but letting her know you're there. Wish I had something more constructive to say but sending virtual hugs.

Your poor girl.

She's lucky she has such supportive parents. Trust that she knows you are both there for her.