How do you deal with being obviously not the favoured sibling?

[Cheerbear23]

When I was younger I always knew my younger sister was the favoured sibling, it was just demonstrated in numerous ways throughout my childhood and teenage years. It has continued into adulthood ie their successes are celebrated and mine barely notes. I've managed to ignore this as much as I can, but it is noticeable and does hurt.
This weekend we had a family celebration, my 'favoured' sibling and her DH behaved very rudely, refused all food and hospitality as they had eaten en route, turned up late, gave mono syllabic answers etc etc, just generally acted as if didn't want to be there. This behaviour was noticed by all my in laws who were asking me what the problem with X and her DH was. I Mentioned this to my mother after everyone had left, and she flatly denied there had been any attitude problems, how it was fine to decline all hospitality, and in no way rude that they had they had eaten en route, they were friendly and chatty with everyone. I'm just bemused how my mum doesn't see it, or either lies about it not happening.
Why does this happen, what can I do, this last episode had irritated me disproportionately and I'm sick of ignoring this behaviour now

I have gone very low contact with my family. We can't move away from my home town at present, but I'd dearly love to. My mother has never looked after DD for a single hour in her life, she's 6, & told us we'd need to put her in nursery so i could go back to work. In contrast my mother reduced hours to look after my sister's children, & has them most weeks for an overnight or couple of days, & helps my sister with her home business, housework etc. They've gone on holidays together, etc. She won't help me with it though. Despite the fact that I'm disabled. She's happy to criticise the mess though, & then complain that she doesn't feel welcome. I don't invite people into my home, & especially not her.

We don't especially get on with PILs either, TBH. Manipulative & obsessive over DD, visiting literally every day without warning, cannot stop spending on her, mostly on crap which they constantly bring to our house - We've no room for it!

We've no reason to stay here, I want to move. To the other side of the world... I realised many years ago that I would get nothing from my mother. She always said I was hard. I only recently figured out why.

Sorry, I don't know if that's any help to you. But I feel for you. It's rubbish isn't it. Mostly I go through life not caring what people think & I'm fairly emotionally self-sufficient, but occasionally it all gets a bit too much & I can't cope with it. If I were you, I'd probably stop engaging with them so much. Just do the things you think you might enjoy - and if that's none, then do none. My immediate family all live within an hour's walk away & I often go months without seeing or speaking to any of them. It's easier.

My brother was the golden child. He’s a horrible bastard, the most selfish, self absorbed dickhead I’ve ever met. My Mum's dying words were apologising for how she favoured him and in her own words “created a monster”. (I wasn’t looking for an apology btw)

I don’t speak to him now, I’d be liable to crack him in the mouth after the things he’s said/done while mum was dying/immediately after. He makes me a person I don’t like.

My sister (younger than me) was definitely my mother's favourite - to be honest, I only really saw it clearly when I was grown up, and was looking back at my childhood as part of therapy for depression.

It ranged from fairly minor things - for example, we had an old and dodgy immersion heater, and it was expensive to run, so dsis and I had to share the bath water. We had baths twice a week (got to love the stinky 70s), and as she was younger, dsis always went first - so she got the clean, hot water, and I got the scummy, cooler water, plus I had to clean out the bath and tidy the bathroom.

When we were younger, this didn't matter so much, because dsis had an earlier bedtime, so the upside of having the second crack at the bathwater was that I got to stay up later. But when we got older, she stayed up as late as me, so there was no upside for me, and one day, I asked my mum if my sister and I could take turns at having the first bath - so it was equal and fair - and she said No!!

A more serious example was our 18th birthday presents - I got a £20 clock radio, and dsis got a £250 oboe. And when I went to university as a mature student, and was doing vocal solos with the university philharmonic choir and orchestra (I was a music student and a singer), my mum never once came to hear me perform, even though dad did come, so all she'd have had to do was sit in the car - no effort required. And when I was being bullied at school, and was desperately unhappy, my mum did nothing about it, and brushed me off when I tried to tell her - and never once checked up to see if the bullying was still happening. She didn't notice I was depressed, to the point of having suicidal thoughts, in my mid teens, either.

If I am honest, I am still bitter about it, but I have decided there is no point in saying anything, because mum will flat-out deny any of it - and I now live at the other end of the UK, and don't see her very often. I have decided I will just be happy with my life as it is now, and will not let her impinge on it too much. When she is nice, I will be glad of it, and when she isn't, I will ignore it.

for everyone.

My brother is also the favoured Prince. What makes it worse is that my DM makes it obvious that she clearly has her favourite grandchildren as well

It’s shit isn’t it OP, I’m bloody 51 and can still be reduced to tears thinking about the differences in the way my parents treated my sister compared to me. I’m very low contact now, just see them at Christmas really, so I can sit and watch my sister and her kids unwrap twice as many presents as me and my DD. Probably the worst was when they bought my two year old nephew a PC (and this is nearly 15 years ago, when they were far more expensive than they are now) and DD aged 16, and wanting to get into IT as a career, got a make up set.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Go plough your own furrow and get boundaries up.

In the same position and have learnt to do just that

cheerbear my brother is definitely favoured over me. I feel very, very sad about it and sometimes angry. My Mum has created an alternate reality of doublethink in order to simultaneously hold on to the belief he is the nicest person ever whilst also excusing his very bad behaviour and obvious problems. It would be funny if it wasn't damaging them both so much (and my Dad).

Sad to say, there's nothing really you can do to change it. If people are determined to behave in a certain way and not get help (in my case there is definitely some mental health issues / unhealthy co-dependancy going on) really there's nothing you can do. I try and think to myself what am I going to regret on my death bed in how I behave in this situation and that guides my behaviour. I try and shield my daughters from the crazy and selfish behaviour, be honest with them and be honest with my Mum. I try not to get drawn into the circular arguments or justifications.

Oh my goodness. Living a good life is how I dealt with it.

If there is an obviously favoured sibling, I'd be sure to maintain good relations with them and eventually they will see for themselves any inequity.

As for inequity in presents (the oboe versus the clock radio), I give my DC (within reason) what they need when they need it. DC2 had driving lessons when he was 18. DC1 wasn't interested. I've never given her the monetary equivalent to make up for not having lessons. I'm also paying shedloads for him to be insured on my car.

My DH is the scapegoat of the family (as am I, by extension). One of this other siblings is the Golden Child. I don't know how he copes with it. I cannot deal with IL any more so I don't but DH struggles along as best he can. He tries not to think about it too much and he vents to me but it is more hurtful than he can say, really. We just try to be a united family and sufficient unto ourselves and don't expect any positive emotional input from them. My MIL is obsessed with the Golden Child and cannot not mention them in any situation including holiday postcards to our DC (even though the GC isn't even on the holiday!). We also do everything we can to show our DC that's not normal and to treat them differently but equally and ensure they know we love them the same so history doesn't repeat itself.

Mend the relationship with your sibling if you can - this kind of awful parenting can break down your sibling relationship really easily. My sibling and I didn’t speak for about 20 years but now we have been able to discuss what childhood was like for both of us and he has recognised what was going on and apologised. Now we are united in the face of any parental nonsense and it makes both of us stronger. I also discovered rather strangely that our parents praised each of us to the other so it wasn’t actually the one way attacks I thought it was!

This approach won’t change your parents’ behaviour but it makes it easier to cope with.

My sister has always been the favourite with my mother. It has been noticed over the years by friends and ex boyfriends.
My DD has even noticed it!
It's funny how it's the little things that hurt. I always remember, as a child, whenever we went shopping they'd always walk together and I'd be left to walk behind them.

I think that favouritism damages the favoured as much as the less regarded child. I too was not the favoured, but my favoured sibling has not had a very happy life: She was conditioned to think that the world would admire her. When the world was indifferent to her, she didn't really know how to cope.

cheerbear your description of your Mum's insistence that your sister's behaviour is fine really rings bells with me and is exactly what my Mum does about my brother. For ages I'd try and argue, but there really is no point as if they're determined to see things only one way they really just won't be persuaded.

If something comes up and/or it is going to affect my children I will tell my Mother what my opinion is and then leave it there. I never try to persuade her but I will tell her how I see things and I refuse to lie to my children about things. I will also have very firm boundaries. For example, recently my brother prevented my Mum from seeing her grandchildren as we'd planned as he desperately needed her with him, apparently (despite being well over 30). There were excuses galore. Then he wanted to send my DD a present in the post. I said no thanks. A present is not a consolation prize for not seeing her grandmother and I think it's emotionally abusive to be honest, smacks of trying to 'buy her off'. My DD hasn't seen her grandmother in over a year because every time we plan something brother has a 'crisis'. It's funny how they seem to coincide with our well pre-planned visits. I don't know if it's intentional or subconscious but that's just the way it is.

I don't sugarcoat it for DD, just tell her the truth. I don't think my Mum or brother are particularly happy and they don't really have a relationship anymore with my kids and I think that's sad but I don't let their problems become mine. The only thing you can control is your own behaviour and how you deal with the situation. This is what I try and do (and also I provide an emotional sounding board for Dad who desperately wants to see his grandkids but is always asked to go and help with the 'crisis'. My Dad has seen my kids several times in the past year, so we do have that.)

I was clearly the favoured sibling and it was also not easy. My mother made no secret of that, always rubbing my sisters face in it or playing us off against each other and sitting back and enjoying watching the resulting conflict
Sadly it ruined our sibling relationship, despite being NC with my mother for nearly 20 years now it did irreparable damage and my sister and I aren't close, although in contact.

Just wanted to put another side to it.

I have 4 siblings and I am bottom of the list.

I've dealt with it by not being very fond of the parent who so blatantly showed it and quite distant from all of my family.

My dh can see it perfectly, we talk about it from time to time.

If one of my children ever says to me that I am treating their sibling more favourably I always listen and check myself. I'll never dismiss their feelings if that's what they are telling me.

My younger sister is my parents golden child and her children are the favoured grandchildren.

It took one Christmas (equivalent) where they bought my sisters three children expensive gifts and nothing for my two. Not even pound shop crap.
They actually gave my nieces and nephew gifts in front of my children and gave my children nothing and when my eldest was admiring her cousins gift and asked where they got it from she was told she was a spoilt brat and that she had me dancing to her tune and they bet she’d get me to buy her the same. DD wasn’t interested and at the time my children and I were going thro the worst time.

I took my children from my parents house and haven’t seen them since. That was four years ago.

I hope my parents have organised who will wipe their arses when they hit that stage. As it won’t be me.

I was the invisible middle child. Mum used to go up and kiss my elder/younger sisters goodnight but not me. She used to walk past my bed to do so as well. Used to break my heart.

When I became a parent I vowed to be the best I could. Dd is 28 now and we have a lovely relationship. She knows I will always be there for her no matter what.

I went LC with mum, and she always wondered why. You can’t just always ignore a child and expect to have a good relationship hen they ar adults.

This happens to me, I have 3 sisters all of who share a better relationship with our DM than me. Prime example, at the moment they are all on a holiday in Cyprus, I chose not to go, was told it was "girls only, no husband's or kids", I would definitely have gone if my DH could have gone too. Got a text from DM last night saying that my younger sister's BF had flown out to join them and wasn't he lovely, I obviously replied with why is he allowed to go when I was told my DH couldn't?! She can't see the problem. And then she wonders why I distance myself from her when she makes me feel like shit all the time, I am not as good as any of my sisters despite, on paper, being the most successful.

My younger DSis was our DM's favourite. There are loads of examples I could give you regarding her favouritism, but here's one I remembered quite recently: I'm 8, DSis 6. Picked a swimsuit each from a catalogue. I love mine: red with a tie around the neck. DSis hates hers and wants one like mine. But it's sold out, but they do a horrible green one. DSis hates the green. So DM buys a green one and makes me have it and gives my red one to DSis. I hated the green too, but apparently I had to be 'grown up' about it. I was so hurt. I can still see my DSis prancing around in MY swimsuit! Even today DM can't see her treatment is skewed: for Mothers Day she gave me back my present - still half wrapped - in a sort of defiant mood as she 'wouldn't use it' and then added that the flowers DSis had sent had died 'but don't tell her as I don't want to upset her'.

This thread is heartbreaking. What on earth makes parents treat their children like this?

@agedknees that's so awful, I can't imagine treating my child like that. I too am determined that my DC will have a better relationship with me that I did with my DM x

Bloody hell agedknees how can anyone do that to a child? It's so cruel.

Db is my father's golden child. I pity him - it has totally destroyed both of them and caused huge misery. I now keep very low contact (no contact bw my kids and my brother) and I try very hard to detach myself from the situation.

A PP has nailed my own mums though process on this :
Mum has created an alternate reality of doublethink in order to simultaneously hold on to the belief he is the nicest person ever whilst also excusing his very bad behaviour and obvious problems

It's a complete unwillingness to ever believe could do anything wrong, even when it's glaringly obvious and third parties mention it!

I feel a bit if a fraud as my examples are nowhere near as bad as some on here thankfully it hasn't manifested with grandchildren yet- swimsuit example is upsetting though, as this has happened with toys !

for all as