How do you deal with being obviously not the favoured sibling?

[Cheerbear23]

When I was younger I always knew my younger sister was the favoured sibling, it was just demonstrated in numerous ways throughout my childhood and teenage years. It has continued into adulthood ie their successes are celebrated and mine barely notes. I've managed to ignore this as much as I can, but it is noticeable and does hurt.
This weekend we had a family celebration, my 'favoured' sibling and her DH behaved very rudely, refused all food and hospitality as they had eaten en route, turned up late, gave mono syllabic answers etc etc, just generally acted as if didn't want to be there. This behaviour was noticed by all my in laws who were asking me what the problem with X and her DH was. I Mentioned this to my mother after everyone had left, and she flatly denied there had been any attitude problems, how it was fine to decline all hospitality, and in no way rude that they had they had eaten en route, they were friendly and chatty with everyone. I'm just bemused how my mum doesn't see it, or either lies about it not happening.
Why does this happen, what can I do, this last episode had irritated me disproportionately and I'm sick of ignoring this behaviour now

My darling sister was the favoured one. To an extent, I understand why. My Mum and dad separated when in was 14, Dear sis eleven. I'm the image of my father, Dear sis takes after my mum's side. I understand that it must have been v difficult for mum, having a constant reminder (me) of her unfaithful husband. And none of this was dear sis doing. She's never held it over me, or even acknowledged its existence (I'm not even sure she noticed as a were growing up. )
Now mum has died, it all seems irrelevant. It was what it was. Mum and Dad did what they could within their understanding at the time.

What good would holding a grudge do? As far far as I can see, it would just drive a wedge between those of us left.

I acknowledge that my feelings might be very different had my sister lorded it over me, but she never has

I wasn't the favoured one as well.

My brother is more than 5 years out of university, and has not been employed for a single hour of his life. I do not exaggerate. He looks down on people who work, while relying on my parents for all his living expenses. He doesn't claim benefits even, as it is too much effort. They pay for everything for him, and he lives with them, and has all his meals cooked for him. I think they were also doing his laundry until recently. They have now stopped and his room smells rotten as it is full of filthy clothes. He has no physical or mental illness.

He has always lives with my parents, and probably always will. Never cleaned or cooked for himself.

On the other hand I have not lived with my parents since I was 16. When I have visited them briefly to stay they have made it clear I wasn't welcome. They now won't allow me to stay over at all.

This included when my house wasnt safe, and I had a newborn baby. Apparently this is because they have 'no space'. This is despite them living in a mansion and my brother having 3 bedrooms for his sole use.

I realise I didn't answer the original question of how I deal with it.

I'm still pretty bitter to be honest, as the rejection hurts. All of my achievements are not celebrated (I have done very well academically and career wise), whereas my parents fawn over my brother's relatively very minor achievements.

My main focus to help me accept it is that I know they are not doing him any favours, as he is now unemployed and has no life skills. I do worry what will happen to my brother when my parents are no longer around to support him financially and otherwise. What is really frustrating is that he is able, but just bone idle. What he really needs is some tough love.

I don't mean to hijack this thread, but it's been awfully sad to read and a huge eye-opener for me about how I treat my children. I sometimes forget that whose hand I hold, or how birthday presents compare, could be important -- but of course it is emotionally meaningful and I need to be mindful of it. My eldest is a bit prickly and harder to show love to, but I really need to persist rather than just hugging the little one more, I think. So sad reading of how damaging some of the experiences on this thread have been :-(

Mum has created an alternate reality of doublethink in order to simultaneously hold on to the belief he is the nicest person ever whilst also excusing his very bad behaviour and obvious problems

Oh God this! My golden child brother could do the most horrible things and the only concession that could occasionally be dragged out of my mother was that "he can be a bit annoying sometimes".

It's painful being the least favoured. Humans are genetically wired to love their children unconditionally, and when they clearly don't it makes you wonder if you are fundamentally flawed.

I have deliberately chosen to have one child, as I do not want to risk repeating family dynamics.

That sounds really crap OP and is more a reflection of them than you.

I’m no contact with my severely abusive mother. However father and other siblings are very close knit with his new wife and children, whereas I’m rarely invited and generally unpopular with them. Apparently it embarrassed them when I was an emotional wreck of a teenager (mother allowed me to be sexually abused by her boyfriend, I ended up self-harming and attempting suicide). Thankfully my foster mother said to me in my 20s “the best revenge is living well”. I’m very low contact with them, moved away so I only see them a couple of times a year. In the meantime I’ve worked on building a solid “family” of friends, got married, had a child, have a job I love and am proud to do.

My honest advice would be for you to build a life outside of family. You don’t need to have a big falling out or anything, but accept that the dynamics are unfair and draining. Then spend your time with people who make you feel good instead xx

You have to accept that your mother will never change. She is unlikely to admit any favourtism or wrong doing. You are not going to get a tearful confession and declaration of praise no matter how hard you try. So emotionally try to detach.

As others have said go lower contact and/or put some distance between you. Don't organise (or attend) family events if you think they will trigger and stress you.

I cut my parents and sister (whom they favoured) off 5 years ago and it was the best thing I could have done. I feel a million times better in terms of my mental health and self esteem.

It's not the right route for everyone in my situation but it was definitely the right route for me!

This thread couldn’t have been more timely for me as I’m considering going NC with my parents. I could sit here all day with stories as to how they favoured my sister but one that really hurts even now is when we were younger and I was desperate for a pet. I used to leave my dad notes asking him for one and promises that I would look after it. Then one Christmas my sister got a rabbit. She hadn’t asked for one. They also paid for her to go to uni whereas I have thousands of pounds of student debt. If I question them on this I’m just a money grabber. How do people deal with the flat out denial? It makes me doubt myself although I know it happened.

hibbledibble and everyone

I dealt with all the bullshit by going NC. My counsellor told me something interesting, that when the scapegoat child goes NC the parents often divorce within 18 months; and that's exactly what happened. They tried to drag me into the divorce as well.

Piecatcher They need the denial to keep up the pretence of perfection. Its better for your own sanity to go at least NC, and to prepare yourself for the inevitable 'last word' when they cut you out of their will. The scapegoat never inherits.

Piecatcher, going non contact was the only way I could deal with the denial, the unfairness and everything that went with it. It helped me to draw a line underneath their shitty behaviour and know that they couldn't do anything else to hurt me ever again.

LOL piecatcher my parents did the exact same last word thing and cut me out of their will. The thing is I know that even if I'd not have gone non contact they'd eventually have cut me out for some perceived slight or imagined misdemeanour that I'd done. You're so right that the scapegoat never inherits!

My siblings would say I'm the favourite and it's uncomfortable for me to admit that they're probably right. But it's not all a rosy picture from this side. My sister was a absolutely horrible to me growing up and I was terrified of her. In hindsight I can see she was probably jealous - I'm younger than her by 10 years with 2 siblings in between and in that time my parents had become a lot more comfortable financially so I daresay I got things she didn't and benefited from them having more time to give me. She's always had a difficult relationship with my parents and tends to contact them mainly when she needs something, and although we get along well now I'm always a bit wary around her as she's never acknowledged how terribly she treated me growing up. I do recognise that I had advantages she didn't but that wasn't anything I could control. I also make a lot more effort to contact my parents and do things for them, so if they do favour me there's a bit of context around it too.

It's a very complex and difficult topic. I can understand why my sister feels the way she does but being bullied by her has had a huge effect on my life. She also bullied my 2 brothers to a lesser extent and by all accounts was a very difficult child, but she wouldn't see any of this - she'd see herself as a victim only.

I was the scapegoat and my sister was the golden child and was vile to me, bullying me and telling lies about me to my parents so that I'd get smacked.

Are you sure, as the golden child, you weren't nasty to your sister?

I dealt with it by just sort of fading away and becoming the nothing they think I am.

I went nc with my mother for my own sake and the sake of my children. I'm lc with my sibling but we don't really have any relationship. They're unfortunately very like my mother in some ways, particularly that if they make contact it's to talk solely about themselves or to throw some "hilarious" insult. There isn't really any bit of me left to absorb the constant never ending sideswiping put-downs and not very veiled insults so I just stay away. Sibling's last contact was to insult one of my children and that's where my line is. I'm not good enough, I know I'm not good enough. I don't need to be told it all the time and hell will freeze over before I will see that visited on my children. The reality is that nc with the golden child is probably very close because I simply cannot cope with it. I don't want to have to cope with it. Normal people don't do that.

It's made me hard and isolated because I don't trust anyone or seek human contact. I'm happy to know people and I can do interaction not that badly but I don't seek anything else. But golden child has suffered as well. They heap enormous pressure on themselves to meet our mother's bottomless pit of needy expectation. They've been sold the idea that they're the most important person on the planet and that what they do is the most important thing ever and they believe it. It's caused them trouble and their own issues because they struggle to deal with the reality which is that they're just the same as everyone else. I wouldn't want to swap places with them.

I spend too much time trying to work out what it is that I did wrong or what it is that's wrong about me but, you know, that way madness lies. I'm not what they want so I'll just get on with being me, it's all I can do.

Are you sure as the golden child you weren't nasty to your sister

She was 10 years younger !

And?! My son is 10 years younger than my daughter but is perfectly capable of being mean to her....

Is that directed at me @WilsonPhillips? I was actually too scared to tell my parents and she'd usually do it when they weren't around - this was her pattern with bullying all my siblings which they have spoken about to varying degrees. Also I'm 10 years younger than her so I was very young and she was in her teens when it happened. But of course people's perception of events are different. I don't enjoy the feeling of being the favourite at all which I think a few people on this thread have also attested to.

Wilson I concur. I have a friend who lent his mother a 6 figure sum and gave up his job to look after her in her last year of life - she still left her estate to the golden child (who had already had the bulk of it over his life) and my friend was left jobless, almost divorced and with a big extension on his mortgage. He had severe MH issues after as he never got the praise or recognition and love he so craved. I could tell you several similar stories.

The favouritism was extreme in my family and only got more extreme as we got older. I put up with all kinds of abuse and I wish I'd got out earlier.

For the last 4 years I've had no contact with any family member at all and I feel so much better now. I needed to protect myself and DD from it. It turned out they were all bullies and hated me, I still don't know why though, I'm a good person. I've never had counselling, I probably should have, but I feel ok about myself most days now.

I feel very sad for anyone else going through this.

@WilsonPhillips I'm not talking about sibling meanness, what happened was bullying - calling me ugly, telling me I should never have been born etc. Even in my teen years I would always hide from her if I got dressed up because I knew she'd tell me I looked ugly and I'd just be shattered.

Anyway, back to the original point of the thread, just thought I'd give a different perspective.

My db is my mums golden child. She hated that dad and I were close. She got her own back when he died, only ringing him to tell him to get to hospital for a chance to say goodbye. I rang her an hour later to ask how he was that day to be told he had died. I tie myself in knots wondering if he thought I couldn’t be bothered.

It kills me that I have to be nice to her for my dc sake. Cow.

Yes to the alternate reality. Dm really can't see that my darling sister is the golden child

My sister is also the favoured child. What's worse is she's a CF and take the piss out of my mums generosity both financial and in other ways (childcare, lending her car out, doing her ironing, staying in waiting for tradesmen or parcels to name a few).

I don't care about not being the popular one but what annoys me even more is he being a CF and mum letting her.

I will never treat my girls like that.

It's kind of sad so many of you are saying the 'doublethink' works for your parents too. Feels good to know I'm not totally alone in this though.... (though I wouldn't wish it on anyone).

The thing is about my Mum, for her to see my point of view now she'd have to admit that her behaviour all these years has been wrong and not only that but actually damaging not only to me and my kids but to my brother too. She's never going to do that, it would break her heart. I can see that the way she's wrapped him in cotton wool all his life was from the best of intentions. She absolutely wasn't fair in the way she treated us but I'm a fully functioning adult (well, just about ) and he's not. He's always had her there propping him up.

At some point of course you have to say that he, too, is culpable. He goes out to work, he watches tv, surely he must know it's not normal for an almost middle-aged adult man to have his Mum still do his washing and pack his suitcase and pay some of his bills? He could just decide to be a responsible adult and not expect the world on a plate, but he doesn't. The cases of siblings who've acknowledged to the less favoured sibling that they got different treatment (and you know, it's not always better, not in the long term) are more likely to have a good relationship. Some, like my brother, perpetuate the dynamic.

But overall, I'm really the lucky one. I'm so, so sad that I'm effectively NC with my brother and LC with my Mum. I do miss her, but I can't change them. All I can change is my reaction and response to their behaviour and I've decided to take the high road (with very clear boundaries hence the NC/LC). This has given me some peace and doesn't perpetuate hurt and anger and arguments. Every now and again when there's a new shitty behaviour (particularly towards my children) I get annoyed of course and mouth off to my DH and sometimes to my DF.

I do also regularly tell my Mum I think both she and my brother need to see a counsellor because I don't think either of them is happy and the co-dependancy is just getting worse. I do get some anger back but I just say that that's what I think, and let's not discuss it further.

It has taken me a long time to accept I can't change the situation though.

Well my mum dropped in yesterday unexpectedly to 'check I was ok', but not another word on the subject was said and certainly no more than 'checking I was ok'. I guess that's as close as an admission I'm going to get that my DSis was in the wrong. No doubt this incident won't ever be mentioned again, the 'doublethink' is in force I think.