How do you deal with being obviously not the favoured sibling?

[Cheerbear23]

When I was younger I always knew my younger sister was the favoured sibling, it was just demonstrated in numerous ways throughout my childhood and teenage years. It has continued into adulthood ie their successes are celebrated and mine barely notes. I've managed to ignore this as much as I can, but it is noticeable and does hurt.
This weekend we had a family celebration, my 'favoured' sibling and her DH behaved very rudely, refused all food and hospitality as they had eaten en route, turned up late, gave mono syllabic answers etc etc, just generally acted as if didn't want to be there. This behaviour was noticed by all my in laws who were asking me what the problem with X and her DH was. I Mentioned this to my mother after everyone had left, and she flatly denied there had been any attitude problems, how it was fine to decline all hospitality, and in no way rude that they had they had eaten en route, they were friendly and chatty with everyone. I'm just bemused how my mum doesn't see it, or either lies about it not happening.
Why does this happen, what can I do, this last episode had irritated me disproportionately and I'm sick of ignoring this behaviour now

In my family, its sadly a generational thing which I aim to stop with my kids. Mum has two sisters, as the eldest, she was expected to care for the youngest and the middle one. The youngest was/is favoured and grew up into a narcissistic horrible person. Mum was regularly beaten for not being like the younger one. Mum and middle aunt are close.
so I;m one of 4-theres my older sister who is autistic, myself and my twin and my lil sis. My older sis was unable to cope with being the oldest, so my twin stepped in to the role of 'responsible' older sister, my lil sis was the spoiled baby, leaving me and older sis as the 'middle' children, mostly ignored.
We've grown up and dealt with it as best we can as we have all changed.
My older sis is cool, we always knew we were the black sheep but we had each other. The favoured two are fuckin horrid specimens of humanity. Their entitled, bolshy, spiteful behaviour has alienated them from family and friends and we are n/c with them after years of bullying and being treated like shit.
Interestingly though, my mum has changed too. she recognises what she did and has over the years tried to make amends. We are close now and talk things over. She sobs when she sees twin as shes so ashamed she created a person like her.

I have anxiety and depression as does older sis, but we both take anti-d's and have had counselling to help us. Mum also takes anti-d's.
Neither my twin nor younger have ever admitted to there being a 'problem' and have never sought help so their unhappiness is bottled up inside them, hence why they lash out at those closest to them.

DH is also the unfavoured sibling-his brother can do no wrong and his DD is absolutely the favoured grandchild. Its shit for our kids, but they do make some effort.
I am careful not to play favourites (hard when one is a stepchild) but I remind myself daily how lonely and deeply sad I felt when I was a child and saw favouring towards a sibling. I try my hardest to be a fair parent and see life from their level. I don't want mine to grow up feeling inadequate and not good enough like I did.

to the posters on this thread and OP-no contact is a good thing sometimes. I'm finally free to be me, not the fucked up failure my twin told me I was.

My DB is the golden child. My mother has always been cruel, unfair and vindictive when it comes to me. My lovely brother is well aware of her behaviour and we have an excellent relationship as it actually bonded us more. How I deal with it is being LC contact her not only for that but for all her treatment of me over the years. She has very little to do with DD as i wont allow it. Am expecting DC2 and i am acutely consicous of it. Will never ever allow myself to favour one child as I know how hurtful and confidence shattering it can be.

to all on this thread - thank you for sharing, whichever 'side' you found yourself on.

Compared to some, my story is not very extreme but has definitely shaped me as a person - far more independent and self reliant, much more thoughtful of others views and feelings and quite a people pleaser.

My DB (older than I) was the golden child but my childhood was still very happy - no out and out abuse or nastiness, just little things which looking back made me feel utter shit.

However, after I had DC (my parents only GC) it was rammed in my face - not sure if it's because I'd grown up or my parents were just more overt but I remember endless stories after DD was born about what DB was like as a baby, how he slept, what he ate, the funny things he did.. not one story of me and when I plucked up the courage to ask what I'd been like, my DM just stared at me blankly.

A couple of years later, I had DS and then my marriage broke down. I went to see them (they lived abroad) and DD who was only 4 was in such emotional turmoil and so insecure and unhappy. They turned to me one night and said DS was their favourite and after that, it all came flooding back - the little slights and digs, feeling second best despite doing my very hardest to excel. DD just wanted some love but they actually pushed her away when she went for cuddles. I swore then and there, I was never going to let my DD be exposed to such divisive behaviour.. it broke my heart, she was tiny and scared and her whole life had just been turned upside down and all my parents cared about was the smiley baby who was ignorant to the whole thing, not showing the slightest compassion to the GC who desperately needed it.

It was driven by DM - she had some sort of fixation on boys just being 'better' and really didn't hide how she felt once I was grown. I am closer to my DF, always have been, and think he was the reason I am here - I think my DM would have been happy with just one child.

Sadly, and I am sad, my DM died last year from very aggressive vascular dementia. She went downhill scarily fast - from being who she was to an empty shell and then death in 5 months. I will never tell my DB, but towards the end when her memory was practically gone - I was the child she remembered, she knew me from photos and could say my name, she had no idea who DB was. I don't know why but it brings me comfort - not because 'I got one over on my DB'... his life isn't great and some of the stories on here about Golden Children are very similar to his. But just because I finally felt like I mattered to her which is ridiculous - it was a quirk of the disease, not a conscious decision. But it still means so much to me.

I think a PP's post earlier was very moving - about acknowledging that the smallest thing can have huge impact on a child. As I said, I wasn't unhappy as a child at all - it's with hindsight that I see just how imbalanced my treatment was but at the time, I bought into the idea that my DB needed a bit more support, deserved the better presents, the world seemed out to get him a bit more and so my parents had to fight his battles that little bit harder for him. But he didn't - at all - and I think both his life and mine would've been very different if my parents had seen it that way.