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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do you deal with being obviously not the favoured sibling?

78 replies

Cheerbear23 · 20/06/2018 11:47

When I was younger I always knew my younger sister was the favoured sibling, it was just demonstrated in numerous ways throughout my childhood and teenage years. It has continued into adulthood ie their successes are celebrated and mine barely notes. I've managed to ignore this as much as I can, but it is noticeable and does hurt.
This weekend we had a family celebration, my 'favoured' sibling and her DH behaved very rudely, refused all food and hospitality as they had eaten en route, turned up late, gave mono syllabic answers etc etc, just generally acted as if didn't want to be there. This behaviour was noticed by all my in laws who were asking me what the problem with X and her DH was. I Mentioned this to my mother after everyone had left, and she flatly denied there had been any attitude problems, how it was fine to decline all hospitality, and in no way rude that they had they had eaten en route, they were friendly and chatty with everyone. I'm just bemused how my mum doesn't see it, or either lies about it not happening.
Why does this happen, what can I do, this last episode had irritated me disproportionately and I'm sick of ignoring this behaviour now Angry

OP posts:
BWrose · 20/06/2018 14:52

I have three brothers. My parents relationship was sour growing up and my mothers behavior and attitude towards my three brothers were different to her treatment of me and my sister. She absolutely clearly had resentment towards me and my sister.

All my siblings have branched out except for me and the younger brother. My sister doesn't speak to the family any more.

The relationship with my mother is somewhat better now. However the sexism still exists. My younger brother is a rude and disrespectful bum. My mother enables him, tolerates it and pitys him for being a lad.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 20/06/2018 14:53

I'm the oldest of three, and while none of us three siblings had great childhoods (alcohol abuse, neglect, emotional abuse), I was definitely the one who bore the brunt - something that played out right up to my mother's death, where it was particularly nasty.

I have dealt with it by acknowledging that we were treated differently. Being told this by someone who was very closely involved with the family, and with the lives in particular of the three of us, was wholly validating and rather life-changing: what I had suspected was proven to be true.

I have also learned that I do not need to share my successes with my siblings, who are just not interested. That has taken a whole lot of pressure off, surprisingly!

I have also dealt with it by understanding that I don't need to fix anything, least of all myself - including my anger and my propensity to distance myself from my siblings now. I don't have to feel rationally about it; and I certainly have nothing to apologise for. We are all grown-ass people now - each living with the effects of our upbringing - and we can be who we like, even if that is inherently un-likeable to any of us.

BWrose · 20/06/2018 15:00

My younger brother was out in Canada a few years ago for about 9 months. In the 9 months he was away, not once did he phone home to say he landed and settled or to day that he was ok. His friends were phoning home regularly because my mother met one of his friends mothers in the shop one day. It says a lot really from my brother. He only rang home when it got too tough for him and became broke and had to return home.

agnurse · 20/06/2018 15:10

Hubby's brother was the favourite son. Hubby is autistic so he was written off by his dad as "crippled" and his dad never expected anything of him. Due to that and some other reasons, FIL is now Granddad That We Don't See. (MIL and FIL divorced years ago. MIL and SFIL are lovely.)

AnnabelleLecter · 20/06/2018 15:15

My Dmum likes boys best!
Always favoured my brother and her grandsons.
Sadly because of gender DD is the least favourite grand child but hasn't missed out because Mil and the rest of DH's family adore her.
I've achieved loads more than my brother, annoyingly.

NotAnotherUserName5 · 20/06/2018 15:23

So sad to see everyone's stories here. Flowers
I too was the least favourite. I'm pretty much NC because of it.

It's certainly shaped me as a mother-I'm determined to be fair. I could never have a favourite Sad

HildaZelda · 20/06/2018 15:23

I'm NC with my parents now (due to abuse growing up) and I tried to have a relationship with my brother, but he turned his back on me and took their side. I know the whole reason is because my parents are quite well off and he knows he will inherit financially (there's only two of us)
However he was always the golden child as we grew up and it always hurt me. As we became adults it only got worse. I have a 'job'. He has a 'career'. Not anything that amazing, but permanent pensionable job and I spent over 10 years listening to how great he was and how amazing his career was. My mother brushed my job under the carpet to the neighbours, but boasted about brother constantly "Oh he's a .... you know".

My father owns business x, which was owned by his father and his father before him and will be passed onto the son in the family. I was the first born and quite clearly as far as they were concerned, was the 'wrong' sex. My brother was born a few years after me and if he had been born first, then I wouldn't be here because another child wouldn't have been 'needed'

TheLastNigel · 20/06/2018 15:40

My brother is the favourite in our family. He can do no wrong and I am constantly told all
About him and how well he is doing. His faults and those of his kids are overlooked.

I can just about accept that. What fucks me off is the 'why haven't you rung your brother?-he's just been promoted' 'it's your brothers Birthday why haven't you sent him a present' because I used to do all of the those things but they were never ever reciprocated. I don't even take that personally really-I have a cordial but not close relationship with my brother and I'm pretty sure he couldn't care less to not get a birthday card from me in the same way it doesn't bother me in the reverse-but my Mother uses it as a stick to beat me with all. The. Time.

Last time she started banging on because I hadn't rung him about something trivial I could take it no more and pointed out that in the two years since my marital breakdown my brother hadn't phoned me once. Dead silence from my Mother on the end of the phone for a Beat, then 'but you really should send him a card'.... I give up.

It sucks being the least favourite but I largely ignore it now. It probably has made me distance myself from my parents a bit more than is average I'd think. I don't confide in them a lot because I know whatever I do or say will be compared negatively with my brothers life and I can't be arsed with it.

Jozxyqk · 20/06/2018 15:59

Flowers to everyone here.

BWrose · 20/06/2018 16:12

Oh my goodness thelastnigel,

My mother is the same way with a card birthday.

My brother has been distant with me for about 18 months. He's just cold. He hardly speaks to me. He barely answers when I speak. He's a user. He's rude and disrespectful. He's clearly not happy living at home but it's convenient for him.

He threw a massive tantrum at Christmas time because some of his clothes were not washed. After that display, that was enough for me. His birthday was in February. I was just going to let it pass like any other day and not acknowledge it because he's fond of breezing in and out from home with just about grunting a hello. My mother bought me a card for him and pushed it under my nose. I wrote it out just for peace but I left it brief and cold. It was a quick job - To D, Happy Birthday, from Rose. My mother sat next to me - how about stick in a 50.

Jesus!

Needless to say, I didn't. He gets enough out from me and the family home being a bum.

TheFairyCaravan · 20/06/2018 16:28

My brother is the golden child but my sister has the golden grandchildren.

I’m the middle child. I was treated really horribly by my mother growing up. She was pissed off that I wasn’t a boy, that’s all she ever wanted, and I often got told she wished I’d never been born. She showed me no affection whatsoever, never told me she loved me or was proud of me. My dad worked 2 jobs and to this day I don’t think he realises the extent of it. She’d tell him I was “always naughty” when he wasn’t there so I’d get hit when he came back. The reality is so different.

Once my sister had her daughter she was placed on a pedestal so high that no one else could ever compete. They’d never come to visit us once DS1 was born without bringing her. Everything was about her. They’ve taken her, and her brothers, all over the U.K. and Europe on holidays but never took ours to the park. They, and my brother’s daughter, got cars for their 18th, mine got £20. DS1 didn’t get anything for his birthday this year, that’s fine, he’s 23 and earns a god wage. Facebook tells me they put on a party for my niece who was 27.

We don’t see them anymore. I speak to them 4 times a year, if that.

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 20/06/2018 16:29

As someone who was also a favoured sibling I can tell you it's not fun.

My sisters resented me and routinely excluded and bullied me.

My mothers sister is also often quite vicious to me, years later as her sympathies lay with one sibling, even though I actually did nothing.

My sister has a total blind spot when it comes to me and I literally only have to breath for her to express her disgust. I am as low contact as I can possibly be with her, but her routine bullying and exclusion of me, her manipulating scenarios were I look bad or scenarios were she can look good at my expense or somehow shit on me in some way has had a detrimental effect on my mental health. I actually hate her and feel a wave of incredible anger whenever I think of her

My relationship with my mother is very problematic now. I love her but she was very controlling and our relationship deteriorated from the moment I moved out of home and we have had periods of complete NC but I also feel guilt for pushing her away.

Ultimately she never protected me from the consequence of her favouritism, played us off against each other and would use time spent with her without me as a Carrot/Reward

One sibling sees through this now and we get on well if other sibling not present

Oldest sibling is extremely vindictive and bitter and though she has privately admitted her own wrong simply is incapable of not being a bitch to me, like a compulsion so ingrained in her she can't help it

Being the favourite ain't no fun

BWrose · 20/06/2018 16:49

The opening question is how do you deal with this?

If I had the means I would move out and I would apply distance. I know some replies here said 'no contact'. For me, I think that would be too severe and a very serious breach or serious abuse would have to occur for me to go full no contact.

I work on hobbies in my spare time. My hobbies feed me with happiness and Inmelt away into my own world of content.

Twombly · 20/06/2018 16:55

So many sad stories. Flowers

My family was like this. I have an older sister and brother who were my mother's golden children and a younger sister and I were scapegoats. I have a good relationship with my younger sister but I'm NC with the rest of them. My sister and I have talked a lot about the past and it has helped us both to move on. Tbf I see the golden children as victims too. They are actually more fucked up than my younger sister and I, because at least we could/can see fairly clearly what happened, whereas part of their role requires them to suspend disbelief and indulge DM's worldview. But I hate the person I become when I engage with them - petty and angry. I can't resist dealing with what happens on a blow-by-blow basis, which doesn't work and has me going round in circles getting angrier and more frustrated. I am happier and healthier and far less stressed since going NC, and am also a better parent myself. Agree with pp that the only real way to move on is to live your life well on your own terms. Going NC is the nuclear option, and depends on the scale of past abuse, I think, but you can still disengage from the stuff that winds you up even if you decide to maintain contact.

peachgreen · 20/06/2018 16:59

I look at how much of a monster my brother has become because he's the favoured child and give thanks that it's not me!

UpTheBumNoBabies · 20/06/2018 17:01

Went NC at 14yo and never looked back!

auditqueen · 20/06/2018 17:12

From the beginning of my life it was made clear to me that my brother as the favourite- the Heir to the estate and I was just a mistake. I was the last ditch attempt to save my parents marriage and, according to my mother was the biggest mistake she'd made, even though they were together until I was in my teenage years.

My brother and I were both sent to boarding school and it was paid for out of a family trust fund and that ensured that the schools were comparable. My grandfather was in charge and he despised how my mother treated me. If it was left to her I wouldn't have had any private education or allowed to go to university.

I was told I was useless, fat and ugly and would never amount to much. My brother got all the good birthday and Christmas presents and i got cheap tat. My grandmother had left me her jewellery, but my mother wouldn't let me have it - it eventually went to my sister in law.

I was married off at 21. It was very much an arranged marriage to someone suitable. As far as my mother was concerned that was it and I was off her hands. I went along with it because he was a very good looking, glamorous man and it meant I could access the trust fund that my great grandfather set up for all his great grandchildren. I have found out in recent years that my mother tried to keep some of the money from me saying that my brother needed it more.

Anyway, the marriage was a disaster. He spent all of his own money and all of mine and took out huge debts in my name. He was abusive and violent and when I went to leave him I asked my mother if I could stay with her for a few months until I was sorted financially. She refused as my brothers wife was pregnant and she didn't want me around (my sister in law is very much like my mother and the crap I've had from her could fill a thread) and she refused to upset her. So I was left homeless and had to sofa surf until i got enough money to rent a bedsit and find a new job in a different part of the country.

I was sent an invite to the baby's christening but my mother rung me to tell me not to bother coming as they had invited too many people and there wouldn't be room for everyone.

My relationship with my brother was great when we were kids because he was a kind and decent person who protected me. But as we got older and he met his wife, who didn't like me on spot, it's deteriorated. The last contact I had with him was when our mother was dying last year. He wanted to know if I would help with the funeral costs. I refused. She rang me and gave me a mouthful of abuse, calling me selfish and ignorant, ugly, fat and stupid and wishes that she'd aborted me. I hung up and three days later she'd died. Good riddance. I did go to her funeral, but only to ,ale sure the old bitch was actually dead.

auditqueen · 20/06/2018 17:14

Ooops, sorry for the mega long post

DoraJar · 20/06/2018 17:19

My DB is the golden child - not his fault and I like him and we get on pretty well. My ‘DM’ favours my younger DS over the elder - I have taught them (and myself) to find this funny! Drives my DH mad (particularly as DN is the real favoured GC - but luckily she is lovely (and again apart from DH) none of us care! My DD was lovely to both of us - no favourites and we all recognise how vile DM can be. Having read some heart breaking reads on here I consider myself very lucky!

Uyulala · 20/06/2018 17:28

Told my mother how I felt about her love for me. Got blocked.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/06/2018 18:10

@Hillarious - I do understand what you are saying about dsis getting a practical present that she needed (the oboe), and if it had been a one-off, in a childhood where I felt we were treated fairly, it wouldn’t have bothered me - but it wasn’t. When I think about her 18th and mine, it is just another, more glaring, example of how she was favoured over me, and that is why it hurts.

Takeoutyourhen · 20/06/2018 19:07

My sister has been the favoured child by our mother and narcissistic personalities run through some of the females.
I was made to wait for things, until I was a certain age but my sister wasn't. There was always an excuse.
It would all be heartily denied, of course!

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 20/06/2018 19:11

I wasn’t the favoured one. Db was and is quite frankly an unpleasant individual that only mum has contact with. When she goes no one will have contact again.
DH isn’t either. His brother is and can’t stand him. He’s a selfish individual that wants the world to revolve around his plans. I’m slowly pushing against this concept.

Kathulu · 20/06/2018 19:25

@auditqueen - I really feel for you. Sounds like your brother ended up marrying his mum and perpetuating the cycle. Does he have children himself?

burblish · 20/06/2018 19:28

These are heartbreaking. @agedknees, I had tears in my eyes reading your post. Flowers to you all.