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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SIL posting pictures of my children online without permission

114 replies

Biddymam · 20/06/2018 05:53

My SIL is always posting pictures on Facebook of my children. AIBU to think she should ask before posting? I’m off the opinion she does it for the likes on Facebook. My husband refuses to confront her on this and I know if I do I’ll be the worst in the world. How do you handle these situations without a major fall out

OP posts:
Chathamhouserules · 20/06/2018 09:55

My dd is getting to an age where she doesn't want photos of herself on fb. And especially not ones where she looks silly! But my sils both love to post loads of photos. I need to tell them 'do you mind checking with my dd' before you post a photo of her. But it is awkward!
Dd will probably have to get used to the bloomin constant posting of photos when she gets to teenage years.

Juells · 20/06/2018 09:58

@HunterHearstHelmsley

My BIL has complained about my putting pictures of my nephew on SM in the past. My DSis is fine with it and has said so herself.

So your BiL doesn't have any say in the matter? I'd have thought it would be enough for either parent to say they didn't like it, for somebody else not to do it. Common politeness.

letsallhaveanap · 20/06/2018 10:05

well I dont agree with the uptightness about pics of kids in general BUT they are your children so it is up to you how to feel about it... you just have to actually say something to her!!!! Like directly! 'I dont want you putting pics of my kids on facebook please'
Its not unreasonable to say that. Even if she doesnt agree with you it doesnt matter because they arent her children and your wishes should come first!

LuMarie · 20/06/2018 10:07

@ragingmentalist

Did you just suggest I read that crap. Projecting much?

Your argument was flawed. You said kids are people outside house, so will inevitably be in photos taken in public places and therefore it's wrong to complain about private photos specifically of the children and their lives often taken in private spaces being shared against the parent's wishes on a public forum.

No.

Kids happening to be in the background of photographs, mostly obscured or not identifiable, that may happen, although decent people try to avoid getting kids they don't know in photos of adult life as they understand it is an intrusion and inappropriate.

Kids having their photo taken, with someone specifically focusing in on them to make them the subject of the photo, not only would parent and every other adult nearby intervene, depending on the behaviour of the person the police may well be called. Child abusers are known to take what seems to be innocent images of unknown children in public spaces and then use them for their own purposes. So unless it was Annie Leibovitz, I would tell them to stop and if their behaviour and demeanour concerned me I would call the police and yes the police would follow up. It is illegal to take images of minors and then use them in certain ways, or to collect images of children in a way that gives evidence of untoward motives. It is also illegal if the person is on probation for offences relating to children and has a specific order banning them from taking photographs of children as this is a violation of probation and therefore they are not in prison when they should be.

If "urban life" focuses solely or largely on clear identifiable images of children with photos taken and used without knowledge or consent of parents, it is questionable behaviour and could easily be investigated. I would hope that any photography club would have responsible safeguarding rules for photographs and behaviour in place.

It's not child abductor or abuser paranoia, it is also intrusion, risk to safety revealing a child's whereabouts if the child happens to have difficult adults in their life,

Incredible images of humans, right. Yeah day to day kid playing in park, having lunch, walking down the street, no permission for photos from anyone, those are history shaping photos.

Go back to DM

hididdlyhoneighborino · 20/06/2018 10:13

However, if you post photos of them, you've kind of lost your argument.

No. The parent posts pictures with full knowledge of who is on their friends list. The parent also gets to decide how they use pictures of their children until they are old enough to say so for themselves.

Xenia · 20/06/2018 10:21

I just don't post any pictures on line of anyone and within the family we are all agreed you need consent which seems to work best.

ragingmentalist · 20/06/2018 10:31

Go back to DM

I think you just need to get back in your box and calm down.

Your argument has more holes than Swiss Cheese & you the way you contradict yourself is spectacular.

I suggest you step away from the keyboard.

muttleydosomething · 20/06/2018 10:59

For me, the issue is about respect for the children and consent. While they're underage it's not appropriate in my view for them to end up with a digital footprint they didn't ask for and couldn't have consented to because they didn't understand the implications of it. TBH, nobody understands the implications of it, apart from the fact that we have tons of evidence of companies like Facebook and Google using and selling our personal data, others sharing it legitimately with entities we know nothing of because we didn't read the small print when we posted, and we also know that the internet is populated by people who we also know nothing of other than their online profile. If I take those risks with my personal data, that's fine. I'm an adult and it's my potential loss. I don't do the same with my son's data just as I don't pass him around to be hugged by strangers.

I think many parents won't sympathise with this argument because they personally like having friendships on the internet and can't see the harm - but your SiL taking the argument down this street is irrelevant. Would she leave your kids in the houses of people she barely knew without your agreement? Doesn't she respect the policies of her kids' schools when they prohibit parents from posting photos of the kids on the internet? Why should she have no barriers when it comes to her nephews and nieces?

I think the idea of a family WhatsApp group is a great one because it shows you have no personal axe to grind if you want to smooth things over.

Lethaldrizzle · 20/06/2018 11:07

But is there any real difference to pics of your kids appearing in the local paper?

Sparklyshoes16 · 20/06/2018 11:08

Facebook recently had a glitch and I received an email telling me posts were public between 23-27th May. It was genuine as I looked back at those dates and luckily not much posted but they were indeed made public they were originally set to friends only! I don't post stuff on there anyway I wouldn't want someone to see and certainly wouldn't post stuff of someone else's kids without their permission!

It made me think about this and a friend who works for CEOP and warned us about how big the problem really is in the UK in addition to the rest of the world.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/news/world/australasia/paedophile-websites-steal-half-their-photos-from-social-media-sites-like-facebook-a6673191.html%3famp

They should respect and adhere to a simple do not put images of my child on the internet without my permission.

Lethaldrizzle · 20/06/2018 11:12

I don't use Facebook but I do use Google but either way I'm not sure that I really care what these big companies do with my personal data, despite the Cambridge analytica scandal. In real terms, in the scheme of things, does it really matter?

Shutupanddance1 · 20/06/2018 11:25

I don’t put many pics of my DDs on FB/SM but if I do, I’ve never put pics of her face up there. It’s shocking to me that as an adult, fb has in the past tagged me in pics that I previously had no notion about.

I live abroad and people constantly take pics of my DD (without my permission) cos she’s a different skin/hair color. It’s fucking horrifying as I’ve no notion who they are sending them pics to. One lady standing in an elevator got her phone out and just as she was about to exit the lift took a pic of my DD and walked out Shock. In what world is that ok?

Lethaldrizzle · 20/06/2018 11:29

'Fucking horrifying'! It may be many things but fucking horrifying it is not

ragingmentalist · 20/06/2018 11:48

I live abroad and people constantly take pics of my DD (without my permission) cos she’s a different skin/hair color. It’s fucking horrifying as I’ve no notion who they are sending them pics to. One lady standing in an elevator got her phone out and just as she was about to exit the lift took a pic of my DD and walked out . In what world is that ok?

I think you need to get a grip & have a bit of a reality check.

Shutupanddance1 · 20/06/2018 12:03

ragingmentalist - I will, when other people stop taking unwanted pics of my kids Hmm. I’m not the only person where I live to express the exact same sentiment - it’s very common here for people to lift kids, kiss them, video them etc without checking/asking first.

ragingmentalist · 20/06/2018 12:08

ragingmentalist - I will, when other people stop taking unwanted pics of my kids . I’m not the only person where I live to express the exact same sentiment - it’s very common here for people to lift kids, kiss them, video them etc without checking/asking first.

Different cultures. If you don't like it, move.

If people want to take pictures, they are going to take pictures. As we've gone round & round discussing, it's not illegal, hell to most people it's not even weird.

To some though, its an invasion of their rights (which actually don't exist in terms of the law) and they get a little bit hot under the collar.

The reality is, you can huff & puff about it, but all that's going to happen is you will wind yourself up.

Shutupanddance1 · 20/06/2018 12:14

If people want to take pictures, they are going to take pictures. As we've gone round & round discussing, it's not illegal, hell to most people it's not even weird.

When I lived at home - it would be considered exceptionally weird and I doubt any of my friends at home would be ok with randomers taking their kids pictures.

And yes, thanks for pointing out we can move - it’s our current plan Grin

tallulahwullah · 20/06/2018 12:15

I would just tell her directly to take them all down I tell friends & family I don't like ky children on facebook.

Some people call this being a drama llama but a few years back my daugter was in a dance show.....

One of the mums posted pictures in dressing room, the stage & a video of one of the dances. Another kid pushed mine during the show & the audience laughed & my daughter froze. It was very uncomfortable for DD & us. Then mothers started commenting on how hilarious it was.

I bet a million pounds it wouldn't be funny if it was there child freezing on stage after being pushed - so when a photo is published it encourages bitchy, judegemental comments all for a cheap laugh.

Toomanydecisions · 20/06/2018 12:20

I think it's bizarre that people can't see what is wrong/uncomfortable about a completely stranger walking up to your child and taking a photo. Makes me wonder if the people who agree with this even have kids?!

It's a shame that we are now in a world where everything needs to be photographed and shared on social media.

To the OP - sorry we all seem to have hijacked your thread. Hope you've found some advice somewhere.

GreenTulips · 20/06/2018 12:35

Let alone just say your mum finds a big box of familly photos and walks into your place of work and puts them up all over the walls for everyone to see

You'd think she was barking.

Now let's imagine those photos won't ever be taken down and any future friend or employer are free to see you albums - that's ok though isn't it? Because they were taken by a family member. All good

ragingmentalist · 20/06/2018 12:37

I think it's bizarre that people can't see what is wrong/uncomfortable about a completely stranger walking up to your child and taking a photo. Makes me wonder if the people who agree with this even have kids?!

Yes I do, and no I don't find it weird. I find it bizarre that not only people find it weird, they want to waste the police's time by reporting the 'criminal'.

It's a photo. Of a child. One of tens of billions in existence.

ragingmentalist · 20/06/2018 12:38

*Let alone just say your mum finds a big box of familly photos and walks into your place of work and puts them up all over the walls for everyone to see

You'd think she was barking.

Now let's imagine those photos won't ever be taken down and any future friend or employer are free to see you albums - that's ok though isn't it? Because they were taken by a family member. All good*

Yep, that's exactly the same scenario, isn't it Hmm

Toomanydecisions · 20/06/2018 12:46

*Yes I do, and no I don't find it weird. I find it bizarre that not only people find it weird, they want to waste the police's time by reporting the 'criminal'.

It's a photo. Of a child. One of tens of billions in existence.*

I didn't say report it as criminal. I just said that it's weird and uncomfortable.

I'm never going to agree with your way of thinking and you are never going to understand my stance on it. So it's a 'agree to disagree' scenario.

Lethaldrizzle · 20/06/2018 12:59

I really can't get too worked up about this sort of thing. Life is really too short

BIWI · 20/06/2018 13:28

Well this has got everyone frothing, hasn't it?! Don't think OP is coming back having wound us all up ... Hmm