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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your partner / husband isn't for conversation. This is what your friends are for. Aibu tojust find this so depressing?

113 replies

witchofzog · 19/06/2018 16:28

I am seriously considering whether dp and I have a future. I envisioned my partner being my best friend yet conversation with him often falls flat. I liken it to playing tennis with a statue. I will chat with him, ask him what he thinks about things, tell him snippets from my day (only IF it is funny or interesting) and he will often just give one sentence answers. He isn't a bad person. He just doesn't like to talk as much as I do

I read a thread on here a week or so ago and the general gist was that you should not really expect interesting conversation with your partner as this is what your friends are there for.

Is this really true? If it is then it is incredibly depressing. I always imagined I would end up with someone who I can just chat with while preparing dinner, going for a walk or over a glass of wine in the evening sometimes. Someone who is as interested in me and my thoughts as I am about theirs. Is this really so delusional? Or should I think that I have a good man albeit one who doesn't like to talk to me much, and seek that stimulation from my friends instead?

OP posts:
MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 19/06/2018 16:31

Christ that's bleak! I can and do chat to my DH about everything - as does he. We have incredibly wide ranging and interesting conversations. I get that not all men are like that but YANBU to find it depressing that so many people think their DPs aren't for for conversing with! It doesn't sound like you are super compatible with your DP - I would need more engagement than that too.

SoyDora · 19/06/2018 16:34

What thread was that? I read a similar one last week but the consensus was that in general, most people do enjoy conversation with the partners and talk about all sorts. Which is also my experience.

Pippylou · 19/06/2018 16:35

Wouldn't be able to stand it. I live with a quiet bloke but we have an endless conversation going, can be about all sorts of things and is often fairly random. I sound him out about all and sundry, as it's easier for me to think things through that way. I don't have loads of female friends tho, so wonder if this is the quid pro quo?

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 19/06/2018 16:37

How long have you been with your DP OP? Has it always been like this?

nowifi · 19/06/2018 16:38

I wouldn't be able to be with my OH if we weren't great friends too. It's so important to have a laugh together through all the ups and downs!

Mousefunky · 19/06/2018 16:39

For many people their partner is also their best friend or at least one of their best friends. It’s important to converse with one another and feel able to open up to each other about anything. I would also feel sad if DP didn’t seem interested in what I had to say and, like you, would greatly be reconsidering the future of the relationship.

mydogisthebest · 19/06/2018 16:39

My DH is my best friend as well as my husband. We talk about everything and anything.

I can't believe that people honestly think you don't have interesting conversations with your partner.

I just don't understand why you would marry (and hopefully intend to spend the rest of your life) with someone you don't get on really well with.

One of my friends said she couldn't wait to get back from her honeymoon as she found spending time just with her OH "boring". When I said DH is my best friend she said she found that odd.

Another friend posted on facebook that she hadn't been out of her house for almost a week so had only seen her husband. She said she had never been so lonely or bored! I just find that really sad

redexpat · 19/06/2018 16:40

Thats how it is between dh and I. Tbh we talk a lot at work so when we come home we just want to sit together. When we do talk the conversation is very different to that which I have with my friends. Someone once asked us why we didnt really have normal conversations and I replied that you cant expect one person to meet all your needs.

agnurse · 19/06/2018 16:41

Hubby is my best friend too! Part of the reason we fell in love is that we are interested in many of the same things. (We used to joke that we're the male and female versions of each other :-) ) Do NOT marry this man if you're not sure you'll be able to live with him. Hubby and I are both introverts so we don't have a large number of friends - not our thing. We enjoy each other's company and often watch TV shows together and discuss interesting topics.

redexpat · 19/06/2018 16:42

I just don't understand why you would marry (and hopefully intend to spend the rest of your life) with someone you don't get on really well with. We do get on well. We just dont need to talk as much.

Original poster
witchofzog · 19/06/2018 16:43

I can't seem to find the thread. It was one where the initial subject was different and it kind of derailed a bit.

I am just desperate for some conversation and I actually feel quite lonely a lot of the time. We went on holiday last year and there was a tremendous sea view which I was in absolute awe of. I told him how beautiful I thought it was. He barely looked at it. I am always asking him if He wants to crack open a beer and chat with me while I make dinner or in the evening for a bit but he never does. The answer is always no. I envy the couple's I see who seems to find this so effortless but was wondering whether they were the exception rather than the norm m. Jesus I hope not

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 19/06/2018 16:44

My XH was my best friend. We talked all day about anything and everything, had daft in jokes, were interested in the same things and chatted endlessly.

Didn't stop him buggering off and leaving though. My DP now says almost nothing, has no opinions on anything much, doesn't do small talk and his sense of humour is verging on the puerile. I doubt he will dump me in the spectacular fashion XH did though.

i talk to my friends. DP isn't interested (unless I can chat about his aches, pains and football. I can't).

bunnyrabbit93 · 19/06/2018 16:46

My OH isn't a big talker. I always try and have a conversation and sometimes he is better than others. I believe your DP/DH should be your friend so that shouldn't make a difference.

SoyDora · 19/06/2018 16:47

This is a genuine question and I’m really interested... if you don’t talk to your partner, they don’t have opinions on anything etc then what do you get from the relationship?

Original poster
witchofzog · 19/06/2018 16:47

We have been together for 5 years. I guess he was like this in the beginning too though we used to talk more because we didn't live together. Now we do the tv always seems to be on (not always my preference) and although we go out for meals and on holiday together we rarely have chatty nights.

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 19/06/2018 16:48

I wouldn’t want to be with a man I couldn’t have good conversations with.

LeighaJ · 19/06/2018 16:49

I wouldn't have married him if he wasnt the person I most enjoy talking to.

MargaretCavendish · 19/06/2018 16:51

I would never, ever have married (or indeed fancied enough to shag) someone who I didn't have interesting, stimulating conversation with, who made me laugh and who wasn't willing to chat about both the big and the small stuff.

However, I do agree with you that some people do have a 'you can't expect your partner to also be your friend' attitude - I find that these tend to be people who are heavily invested in traditional gender roles, and so have a 'men are from Mars, women are from Venus' mindset where men and women can't be friends and genuine fun is only found in single-sex groups. In fact, I think it must be a necessary part of that belief to have no friends of the opposite sex in general, as I can see why you might believe (though I don't agree) that you can only really share interests and deep chats with other women, but not how you could do this with some men but not your partner (sorry for v heterocentric language, but I've never met a same sex couple who expressed this view that your partner isn't your friend, so I don't know how they would sustain it!).

Original poster
witchofzog · 19/06/2018 16:51

He IS my friend in the fact that he wants the best for me, is very tactile, is great in practical ways (for example he always gets up early to drive me to the train station) and we have great sex. But the conversation is sadly lacking. Is this enough? I really don't know

OP posts:
eightfacesofthemoon · 19/06/2018 16:51

Do you sit down and eat dinner together each night or do you sit in front of the telly. I only ask this, because sitting and eating together sort of makes you have to have a conversation. and it's a good starting point.
We can all get stuck in a rut.
have you talked to him about this ? was he always like this?
I couldnt live with it. but many people do.

Original poster
witchofzog · 19/06/2018 16:54

I have better conversations with my ex who is still one of my best friends. If you saw us together in the pub you would think we were one of those effortless couples. We split up because we were too much like good friends and the sex part was flat.

I would love a combination of the 2 men but I am not sure he exists

OP posts:
TheNoseyProject · 19/06/2018 16:54

Yanbu that is a weird attitude. If you don’t really talk what is home life like? Dh and I are both fairly anti-social but we talk each other’s legs off.

Trilllllian · 19/06/2018 16:54

Mine won’t stop talking. I quite like a bit of silence so I’m sometimes a bit overwhelmed. I wouldn’t have it any other way most of the time though. He’s currently trying to bring up our upcoming trip to a festival as a family into every conversation - I think he enjoys taking about it - I’m apprehensive and don’t intend to spend six weeks discussing tent location preferences!!

YANBU

HollowTalk · 19/06/2018 16:58

You're not married to him. If you don't have children together (I couldn't tell from your posts) do you have to stay with him?

Shame about your ex - it sounds like he was far more suitable for you.

TheFirstMrsDV · 19/06/2018 16:58

My OH doesn't chat much. We don't have many riveting conversations.
We have been together nearly 30 years and are very happy.

Its not bleak or boring. Its just what it is.
Different things suit different people. If it means that much to you then yes, you need to reconsider your options.